It's been a long day, without you my friend.

And I tell you all about it, when I see you again.

We've come a long way from where we began

I'll tell you all about it when I see you again

When I see you again

Matthew Gray

This morning I felt the bliss and warming happiness flying around inside of my stomach. My smile was almost just as bright as the sunlight. I became giggly, thrilled and excited, because of last night.

Justin McCall made love to me.

This time was different since he was the second boy I had done this with and I wasn't the dominant one. But it honestly felt easing to me, this boy had been so gentle with me and I loved every second of what he did to me; his magnetizing touch, his soft kisses and the warmth his body gave off.

My heart raced just from the thought of him, my legs weakened with every minute that passed by and I was longing for his lips or at least a simple hug from him.

As long as I knew he was right there with me, that was all I needed to know.

His yesterday's love fulfilled me, his caring touch healed me in every which way and all of him gave me the strength I needed to move on. I wasn't the boy who shattered into sad pieces anymore.

He even changed me for the better.

An automatic smile came up my face and my stomach made some happy backflips once I saw my gorgeous green-eyed boyfriend walking down the stairs with his perfectly styled hair.

Why did everything turn into slow motion?

"Babe let's go, we have someone to visit" He smiled, grabbing my hand for comfort and to tell me that it would all be okay now.

-

The urge to run away from this, to run away from the truth that I feared was high, but I couldn't and the fact that I had been powerless over this entire situation made me feel worse and guiltier towards him.

My heart anxiously beat faster against my chest along with my shaky hands that I couldn't seem to get control of. I could feel the same old knife, piercing through my heart and every of my past scars. That made me notice the familiar heavy dark clouds that made its appearance into my imaginary view.

But I had nothing to worry about, I was out of that dark tunnel and found my light sources which showed me the way out; to see the bright sun along with birds flying around and the white clouds hanging into the sky.

One of those sources was called Justin McCall.

For a short second I closed my eyes as I slowly breathed in and out.

Currently the sunlight reflected onto my face and clearly showed itself, having a way to make me feel at ease and calm my nerves down. My eyes decided in that moment to wandered to it as I slowly sat in front of it.

The soft gray stone illuminated as if it had never been touched.

Our beloved friend, son and boyfriend Rain Stanford.

29-08-2000| 15-01-2018

"Hey baby Rainbow.." I murmured soft with a shaky voice, scared of falling apart in pieces.

Sad tears formed in my eyes and my throat dried up as a long sigh left my mouth, but I tried to contain my feelings. I focused on the comforting circles that Justin drew on the back of my hand and I examined the stone; it was beautifully made, just like he deserved.

Rain Stanford deserved the world.

"I m-miss you.." I whispered at him.

If I could wrap my arms around the small blue eyed boy, drown in his ocean eyes whilst playing with his brown curls or kiss his adorable freckles on his face, telling him that he genuinely was beautiful. Only if I had the opportunity; I would have.

But unfortunately I can't, not anymore.

And I missed that. Because it felt like this boy was gone before I knew it. Once I finally had him, he got this dark disease that killed him.

He didn't deserve to be gone.

Back then I would have sacrificed myself for him and I still would have, because nobody deserved to die especially not at such a young age.

I couldn't imagine the half of how he must have been feeling so I tried to support him through it all, as much as I could.

Now I hope he was in peace.

"The beginning without you was a rollercoaster and one huge mess. There were times that I laid in the h-hospital or when I fell right off of my path. But I d-don't hurt myself anymore, I'm c-clean now and I don't hallucinate no m-more. Justin here helped me. J-Justin is my b-boyfriend and h-he is really good to me baby. Ryan h-helped me too, we became best friends and he s-sticked with me. I'm finally happy. I'm free Rain.." I told him, feeling my tears running down my cheeks as I sniffed.

Why did he have to die?

After a while I cried louder, but it was being muffled once Justin pulled me to his chest.

"I'm so s-sorry I didn't visit you sooner. For some r-reason I couldn't and I needed time to accept your death first. But I really d-do hope that you're doing okay up there and that you are watching over all of us.." I explained furthermore, sniffing softly.

We hugged one another there in silence as my head clouded with many thoughts yet it was kinda peaceful to sit here like this.

"I love you Rainbow.. Thank you for everything" I tried to smile at the stone.

To describe my feelings; thunderstorms were being heard in the distance, the lightening showed itself and the already broken pieces fell apart in even tinier pieces.

Being back here was hard, but it had to be done. In the end I knew I'd be relieved and could close this chapter for real.

Yet somehow my patience lowered and in some magical way, I desperately wanted him back in that moment.

"Please, please give me a s-sign that you're still h-here. Let something move around here or make it rain. I don't care?! Just p-please!" I begged, hearing my own voice crack in sadness.

But nothing happened. He didn't show me a sign, he was gone for good. I accepted that earlier these days.

My breathing picked up as I slightly panicked at that thought, but Justin held me tight against his chest while whispering comforting stuff in my ear like telling me that I was doing great and that I could be proud of myself. It meant a lot to me that he wanted to go with me. That was actually the first thing that he said after I told him I'd be going here.

After a while of sitting like that, trying to enjoy the stunning view and talking to Rain about everything that happened while he was gone, both of us decided to go back home.

"Come on beautiful boy.. Let's walk back home. I am so proud of you. I bet Rain is proud of you too" Justin smiled, kissing my forehead, knowing that this entire moment also touched him.

"Bye Rain, tease Matthew from up there for me" Justin said with a soft grin as I pushed him, smiling a bit from that.

"Bye little Rainbow, I'll be visiting next week to tell you some more about my days. See you soon" I placed a sunflower on his shiny gray grave stone, before standing up and slowly walking next to my boyfriend.

Justin was right; it was all okay now.

I conquered my fears on the entire way, fought through the darkness and stopped running away.

Even without Rain here, I would survive and keep visiting him at his grave since it was relieving to me, besides that I would still send him texts in our phone conversation, because that's where it all started. Even though it will be hard just like today, I could do this and I would.

Now I could say that I was finally genuinely happy after everything that came onto my way.

I could close this chapter and rewrite it into a good part of my life instead of a bad one, I thought as I walked.

Without Matthew his knowing, a small teardrop fell onto his shoulder.

The end.