A/N: COMEBACK!
It's been three weeks and as first I'd really wanna apologize to all of you for abandoning all of you like that.

I was caught up in my school work: homework, projects, tests and exams. It was so much that I couldn't keep up with writing and editing. I also saw that I pushed myself to keep my promise on updating every week and that isn't a good sign so this break was good for many more things. But now I'm back and I'm sorry!

Thank you for waiting if you did, I appreciate all the love, votes and comments (I love spams and all those sweet or funny words).

I wish you a nice day and again: thank you!

Scared to be lonely
Dua Lipa x Martin Garrix

Matthew Gray

Today was another day of school.

Actually I was almost done with my classes today. Luckily it was Friday, which meant spending some more time with my friends.

And Justin.

Ryan and I haven't been talking nor making any eye contact ever since our argument. All of my past negative feelings came back on the surface when I thought of the possibility of losing Ryan, even though I had no idea what I did wrong.

I've been texting and calling him all the time yet he never responded to me. I also haven't seen him wandering around the halls today, he was most likely trying to avoid me just like he did before our argument and it bothered me a lot.

Because I wasn't sure why and what I possibly could have done wrong.

I tried everything in my power to walk up to him and talk with him yesterday, but he made up some silly excuse and left me behind.

His excuse was that he really needed to go to the gym.

Ryan his psychical condition was the worst, so he never went to the gym!

I've never slept this bad in a very long time and it only reminded me of all the bad that happened. About how happiness wasn't meant for me and that I deserved to suffer, because I wasn't worth it.

Maybe Ryan realized that and that's why he acted this way.

I let out a deep sigh once I walked back into the school hallways.

"Hey Matthew" I heard West say as he walked besides me to walk me to my locker.

"Hey.." I greeted back, not in the mood to have a conversation with anyone.

"Oh no.. I recognize that face, is it about Ryan?" He asked while watching me.

"Yeah.." I simply admitted.

I couldn't pretend like everything was fine anymore especially now that something bad happened between me and my best friend. I couldn't lose someone again.

Not that I would blame them for walking away from me.

I grabbed the books that I needed for my last classes and looked at him.

"I need to go to the bathroom for a second. I'll see you in the canteen okay? Tell Justin I'll be right there" I smiled a bit at him.

And maybe, just maybe, I was thinking about the fucker Justin.

"Sure, but if you're gone longer than 5 minutes I will have to check up on you" He warned me.

"Yeah yeah" I yelled back at him and walked into the bathrooms, but abruptly stopped when I saw something that I wish I'd never seen.

Ryan, who is kissing my ex-bestfriend Jack.

"R-Ry?" I whispered softly, not believing what my eyes were seeing right now.

Both of them broke off of each other in a hurry and looked with widened eyes at me, because I had caught them.

"M-Matthew I can explain!" Ryan pleaded and walked to stand in front of me.

The feelings that were running through my body were unexplainable.

I was frozen in my place, basically stared like a fool at them and it felt like my heart was being torn out of my chest in this hurtful moment. My hands were practically shaking from all the anger and sadness.

"Seriously?! Him from all people?! Him? You know what he did to me!" I started to yell in hurt.

I could only see red from them on and glared at Jack then. They stabbed me in the back and made me feel bad for this whole situation, letting me think that I was the one who did something wrong again.

"And you!" I pointed a shaky finger at Jack as the anger possessed over me.

"Matthew.. listen I know that you probably hate me now, but-"

"That you did all the shit to me, fine. But don't go after Ryan!" I yelled loudly through the silent bathroom, not listening to what any of them had to say.

I was about to throw a punch at Jack until Ryan grabbed my arm, making me calm down in the slightest until I remember what he did to me.

"Matty I-I can e-explain. I'm sorry.." He looked up at me with his big watery eyes.

"Don't.. Don't call me like that" I whispered low as I ripped my arm from his grip and walked out of the bathroom, ignoring their calls for me.

I felt more than just betrayed. I was mad, sad and mostly disappointed, because not only he went behind my back, he was aware of what Jack did to me in the past and it seemed like Ryan didn't care for that anymore.

He was acting all grumpy towards me these days while I didn't even do a thing wrong and then he just went behind my back so he could lock his lips with Jake. Jake was the one who he had been texting with all along.

I've been hurt by many people, but Ryan was always the only one who didn't. He was the one who made me feel like I mattered after Rain. That's why it hurt me so much, all of my trust was broken.

And I've always been scared to be lonely, but this might be my night mare that just came true.

Eventually I arrived at the canteen to see my friends and Justin sitting at a table.

"Hey babe- wait, what's wrong?" He instantly asked once he saw my face expression.

I simply shook my head and desperately grabbed him by his arm.

"Can we go home? Please.. Take me home" I begged him, not meeting anyone's eyes.

"Sure baby, but we will talk about it at home then okay?" He answered and we said it our goodbyes to the rest before we fastly went to his car so Ryan wouldn't find me.

-

"So.. What happened?" Justin asked me while playing with my hair.

Currently we were laying on my bed in each other arms as I buried my head in his chest. I tried to focus on all the warm tingly feelings that he gave me, but the negative ones were too strong.

The feelings that I tried to cover so hard, the sadness that I kept pushing away and all the cracks within my protection seem to break down.

"I-" I tried to speak up, but my throat felt dry and closed.

No no no.
I wasn't allowed to cry.

The tears prickled in my eyes and I shook my head fast when I felt my heartbeat sped up. I broke away from Justin and sat up as I started to feel nauseous.

Fucking Matthew! Don't cry you loser, don't you dare to fucking cry.
You don't deserve it! You're a piece of trash, nobody likes you.

"Hey hey, it's okay Matz.. I'm here! What's wrong?" Justin's voice sounded worried, he also sat up and tried to make eye contact.

You don't deserve to be here Matthew Gray.

His calls for me where fading away in the background. My eyesight went black and the only sounds left were the poundings of my shattered heart.

I kept looking away from him and tried to press everything back, but the darkness in me was too strong.

I kept it away for too long.

"Matz, look at me. You're having a panic attack!" I suddenly heard when his hands cupped my cheeks to make me look at his forest eyes.

And that's when I cried my rivers.

The boy kept crying loud and clear, soft whimpers left his mouth as he let all the pain flow out of him, that he's been keeping in ever since the death of his beloved Rain Stanford.