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I love the way you lie
Rihanna x Eminem

Matthew Gray

Hatred.

Another emotion that people don't want to experience and if so, run away from it and as far as possible. It only caused you more unnecessary aggression and sadness.

There was this strong passion, almost feeling like a burning fire inside of you for something or someone that could play with your feelings and easily hit your strongest yet weakest points whenever they wanted to.

It wasn't always for some reason. Sometimes it was unknown or just part of who you were. And sometimes it was intentionally, because that something or someone hurt you and reminded you of the bad memories that you tried so hard to push away, to never find it back ever again.

Or maybe it was because of a fight, rumor or they hurt someone else you deeply cared about. Because wouldn't you hurt those that hurt the people that you deeply cared about, if so even loved them?

Just remember, there's a very thin line between hatred and love.

So when Justin seemed to be distant again, Matthew knew that something was up and he wanted, no needed, to find out whatever the hell it was.

They were actually making progress together. Sure, they weren't friends yet. But they were at least acting normal and caring towards each other instead of calling each other some weird names, threatening and laughing at each other to nothing but embarrass the other one.

I sighed the moment I heard the bell ring which made me snap out of the day dream I was currently having and started to get up from my seat.

Lately I somehow couldn't and haven't been paying attention in class. Sure my grades were still okay, yet I couldn't take it anymore.

It started to annoy me that I was being tortured by my own thoughts lately, making me not want to eat anymore and stay awake at night. It was unfair, because I knew that I could never escape from my thoughts and I still hadn't really control over them, over my feelings.

I made my way towards the cafeteria, but I'm being stopped from walking by my old friend Alex which made me frown curiously.

"Hey, I wanted to invite you at my party tonight. I know you haven't been feeling okay lately so I think you really need this. It's at my home around 8" Alex told me, waiting for an answer.

"No sorry, I can't" I lied straight to him and bit my lip, hoping he wouldn't notice what kind of bad liar I was.

"Oh.. That's okay. If anything changes, you're still invited" He said and walked away from me probably to his friends, the gang where I used to go and hang out with.

I honestly don't know what exactly changed between us. Or well, I do. It was him. He made me realize that they weren't exactly the best friends that I had and they didn't exactly had a good influence on me either. I haven't gone to a party in ages.

I made my way towards the cafeteria, searching for my friends until I ran into someone instead, while feeling this slight familiar shock that I haven't been able to feel for months. I look up to see Justin standing right there in front of me.

Why did he make me feel some type of way? It felt familiar and safe, yet scary and it felt like it was Rai-

"H-hey" I just said so I wouldn't think any further about it yet I stuttered looking like a idiot, causing me to frown in confusion.

Why was I so nervous all of a sudden?

"Oh, Matt.. Hey" He said sounding as if he didn't want to talk to me.

It actually made me switch from feeling pretty much okay to feeling this sudden sadness. I also felt really nervous at the same time as I was about to ask him something. I don't know what this will mean for us and if he even likes me, as a friend of course.

"T-There is this party tonight at Cams' and since w-we're f-friends now, I thought maybe you would want to go with m-me?" I held my breath after rambling about the party, waiting for his answer what seemed to be like ages.

"I don't think that's a good idea" Justin answered and was about to leave, but I stopped him by gripping his arm.

"What? What do you mean? I thought we-"

"Look, we aren't friends okay? I don't know what the hell suddenly made you think that we ever were friends or whatever. I was just feeling sorry for you these past few days. The only thing we had in common was Rain. I still hate you just as much as you dislike me. Let's just keep it that way, okay?" He said emotionless and didn't even try to look at me, he didn't even let me speak or gave me the chance to.

Maybe he was right. We hated each other and never liked one another. Then why now? We weren't meant to be friends and shouldn't hang out. He didn't need me and I didn't need him.

I wanted to answer so badly, but he already left me standing there like a complete fool before I could bring out another word.

Did I do something wrong? Was I not good enough to be friends with? I knew everyone didn't like me.

I tried to push all those thoughts away and made my way to the cafeteria. A long sigh left my mouth as I sat next to Ryan.

"Hi Matty!" Ryan already sprung out of his seat and hugged me with his little fragile body.

"Hey RyRy" I threw my arms around the smaller kid.

"Are you okay? You look a bit out of it" He immediately noticed as he whispered that in my shoulder.

I tried so hard to put on this straight face.

Nobody ever seemed to notice if there was something wrong and I always tried to hide it, but Ryan always seemed to see right through me.

"I'm fine, don't worry so much about me okay? I'm starting to feel guilty" I grinned, completely lying.

"Are you sure Matt? You don't have to hide it from me, I know you" He asked me.

"It's not important, I promise" I whispered back.

Ryan and I were totally opposites and that's why I liked him as my best friend. He was short, I was tall. He was smart, I was not so smart. He was giggly and cute, I was mostly annoyed and rough. He was fragile and small, I was muscled and tough. But somehow we always found our way to each other.

I unconsciously hugged him tighter, getting afraid that he was about to leave me one day or another.

He immediately made me forget about all my problems and worries. He never judged me for anything, I really appreciated that and I haven't felt so accepted since-

"Aw, friendship goals right there" I heard Cam cough which made me laugh.

"So I heard that there was this party and that you declined the offer, but please go with me Matt" Ryan whined as soon as he broke out of our embrace.

"No, god no" I furiously shook my head the moment I thought about what just happened with Justin.

"Please?"

"No!"

"Please"

"Nope"

"Please"

"Nah"

"Pleeeeeaaaaaaseeeeeeeeeeee, for me?" He pouted at me and looked with these massive puppy eyes as if he was about to cry.

Don't say yes Matthew.

Don't give in.

You can do this.

Don't lose.

Be harsh and just say no.

You're not ready for this yet.

"Okay fine!" I gave in so he wouldn't look at me like that anymore.

He knew I couldn't stand it, it made me feel guilty right then and there. Just looking at such a sad innocent face that I caused. He was too cute to say no to and he knew that.

"Yay! Thank you" He said happily and continued eating his food as if he was the happiest boy alive.

The rest of the school day was boring and just like every other kind of day.

-

Stepping into a house full of dancing drunk teenagers made me realize again why I didn't like parties anymore. It made me wonder how I ever liked parties back in the days.

Everyone was just sweaty and drunk, acting as if they didn't know what shame meant. There was this annoying heat and smell lingering around the house that you couldn't escape from no matter how long you stayed there, unless you went outside.

I immediately started to regret saying yes to Ryan, but I promised him and I always keep my word. He helped me to choose a basic white shirt and a pear of dark jeans with some Adidas shoes, not that I cared.

Ryan was really hyped about this and since we were going together, he asked me if he could pick me a outfit.

Dang puppy eyes.

It wasn't until an hour later that I lost everyone including Ryan. They were all probably getting drunk and dancing, maybe even hooking up with someone as if there was no tomorrow.

Lucky for me, I wasn't allowed to drink alcohol right now. Yes, I felt as normal again. I wasn't manic nor depressed. But I still needed to take my medication for a while and even though XTC was a whole other thing, I couldn't risk doing it again. I can't even risk drinking alcohol on a normal basis with this stupid disorder. The hangover would feel way worse anyways. I couldn't go back to being that depressed again.

Plus it would only make things worse. After what happened with Justin I was a bit out of it. The moment I started to take alcohol I would talk and complain about him or I would act crazy and dance like a maniac, which with both of the situations would leave me having a hangover and feeling depressed all at once.

The thing about alcohol was that I would feel extra worse the next day. It was something that came with the bipolar disorder. I couldn't do anything about that either. It would be more depressing than a normal episode of my disorder.

Suddenly everything around me stopped, I couldn't think about anything and I forgot everything when I saw something, or should I say someone, who caught my eyes.

There he was,

Justin.

Heavily making out with another girl.

And there was another type of feeling that I haven't felt in a while and it started to annoy the hell out of me, because I couldn't quite pinpoint what it was again and why I felt that towards him.

One of those feelings were bothering me and I think it was because of the fact that he kissed another girl.

The other feeling was saddening me, probably because I clearly did something wrong, because he went to this party without me or he wanted to get away from me just like everyone else. Maybe he knew.

And there was this other feeling that utterly hurt me. This hatred towards myself, because everything I did was so wrong and nobody could ever like someone like me. I was a sin.

He left me too.

It was in that certain moment that I realized that he lied to me, telling me he is gay and suddenly hanging out with me acting all nice and caring, almost being worried about me.

But let's face it, he ran away from me. He clearly liked this girl, because he wouldn't just push his tongue into her throat. And he pushed me away, because he always hated me. That's what he said anyways.

But the truth was that I never hated him.

Everything about him fascinated me. It was almost as if he was perfect and that was the thing that I always hated about him, not him.

I even loved the way he lie.