Don't you worry child
Swedish House Mafia ft John Martin

Matthew Gray

I woke up to the sound of my doorbell ringing. I slowly tried to get up while groaning and walked towards my front door, not caring that I looked like a complete mess right now.

My dark hair was messy, I had huge bags under my dull gray eyes and my face was probably either red or sweaty. I was also wearing some sweatpants and a simple t-shirt, that had to mean something for someone who always wore sweaters.

When I opened my door, my eyes instantly widened in surprise as I saw Justin and Ryan stand in front of me.

"W-wha-?" My voice came out raspy since my throat was burning like a bitch.

I tried to speak but couldn't really say anything any further. Not only just because I was surprised by the both of them. But also because I had a killer headache and so my throat was also still hurting a lot, making me have trouble with speaking.

"Hey Matt, we-"

"Matz? What's wrong, you look horrible" Justin interrupted Ryan and rushed towards me.

"Well thanks.." I sighed, rolling my eyes.

"Hey, I didn't mean it like that! You're gorgeous. You just look exhausted and so.. sad? Did something happen? Who hurt you? I will kill them! You worry me a lot right now Matz, what's going on?" He rambled in a cute way.

My eyes fell on Ryan then, mentally begging him that he would make up some excuse for me. He probably already noticed what was up with me. I just hoped that he agreed on playing along.

"He- uh- Justin, you need to leave" He said without an explanation.

I didn't blame him for it though. What could he be possibly saying to explain this.

I nodded in agreement and looked at Justin. He had a frown on his face and I actually felt my heart jump at that. And not in a good way this time.

"Do you.. Do you really want me to leave?" He asked me in a soft tone.

My heart clenched right after that, knowing he felt rejected and confused. I just didn't have a choice but to lie to him right now. I know he'll be asking about this later on again.

"I'll see you at school okay?" I whispered, not looking into those beautiful eyes anymore.

This is what I meant when I said that my depression keeps me away from people. I can't tell anyone because either they will be freaked out or think I'm insane when they do know or I have to lie and make up silly excuses like right now.

But Justin really couldn't know about this. I wasn't ready to lose him too, not after everything.

I'm mentally ill and I know it'll make him leave me when he finds out. I'd be devastated if he'd leave me too.

This was what was best for now and I couldn't change that. I just really didn't want to lose Justin, even though we weren't official boyfriends or anything just yet, I liked spending time with him as much as I liked it with Ryan.

"I don't understand..? You know what, nevermind I'll just go" He said while shaking his head before leaving me standing there speechless.

For some reason that touched me in many more ways than it should and I suddenly couldn't make him leave like this.

"Justin wait!" I yelled for him, but he kept on walking.

Walking away from me, just like the rest.

"You have to tell him some time you know.." Ryan started and looked at me with a guilty expression.

"What do you mean?" I asked him as our eyes crossed each other.

"I can see that there's something going on between the two of you. He's starting to become an important part of your life. So be honest with him like you did with Rain and tell him about your bipolar disorder" He explained and slightly frowned.

Justin and I weren't even a thing. He only promised me to take me out on dates and see how it goes from there. We aren't boyfriends. That doesn't mean that I should immediately tell him my life story. Plus, I couldn't lose anyone at this point in my life or else I'd go crazy. I would only regret telling him the truth about myself.

"No? I don't need t-"

"I know that you like Justin, Matty. Don't even try to deny this and go tell him about your disorder. You can't lie to him all the time when it comes to stuff like this?" He started to argue with me.

Somehow I felt that he was getting pissed at me too and for what reason? I wasn't doing anything wrong. Sure, I lied to Justin. But I can't just tell him about something this personal. He's not my boyfriend or best friend so he doesn't need to know yet.

I wish Ryan would understand my situation: how it feels like to be depressed and what comes along with it. Of course I didn't wish him a depression. But couldn't he try and imagine how it is to be in my footsteps?

It isn't as easy as all of you think it is. It takes so much courage and self confidence to do something like that, because not everyone takes it as well as you think they would.

No, this is the hard and real world. People either leave you, hurt you or use this against you. I know it, because I've been there.

But just hearing this stuff from Ryan, had me standing there silently like an idiot. What was I supposed to answer with? That he was right?

"You know what? You've been negative all of the time and I'm seriously starting to get sick of it! Then to think that Justin and I would come over to bring this to you from our friends. I am so sick of you Matthew Gray! You are really wasting my time here!" He gritted through his teeth and pushed a small box into my hands without even letting me talk for once.

"Here, take the stupid present. I'm leaving" He huffed and started to walk away, leaving me dumbfounded in my doorstep.

For some reason I couldn't bring myself to call him back. He was right, I was always too negative and I shouldn't let them waste their time for me. I'm only just a bother to them and they definitely didn't deserve all of the shit that I brought along with me.

The fact that Ryan was the one who just said all those words, broke me the most. He barely lied to me and knowing he didn't want me, struck me right into my heart.

I was meant to be on my own.

After standing there, thinking about what just happened and staring into the distance for god knows how long, I went back inside.
The only difference this time was that I felt this void inside of me. A dangerous kind of void making me feel nothing but empty.

I felt like a disappointment to everyone. My dad was never around probably because I am gay. My mom is pitying me for being a failure. Justin thinks I'm a pathetic dick and Ryan finds me a huge egoistical prick who can't move on.

My hands were shaking and I knew this time there actually was something wrong. There was something different compared to all the other times. I grabbed my phone and tried to call Ryan.

"Come on.. Pick up, pick up" I muttered to myself and held the phone against my ears as my hands were violently shaking.

After three other attempts I knew he was really done with me. Then my finger lingered above Justin his name. I never called him and wasn't even sure how I would explain that I needed this.

That this was an emergency.

But even after calling him twice, he wouldn't pick up his phone for me.

Describing to you how I was feeling, would probably be; angry, sad, disappointed and lost. Even though it was still hard to express my feelings.

I was angry, because I was a fucking failure to everyone. I couldn't fight my demons for shit and I was never able to make someone proud. I tried, but I knew it would never be enough.

Disappointed, because I really wished that I was a normal boy. The ideal straight boy who was nice, had everyone on his side, was confident, believed in himself and didn't quit playing basketbal like I did. I hoped that I could have been beautiful from the inside and out, but I wasn't all of that and would never be that.

Lost, because I didn't know what I was supposed to do or where to go. Everyone despised me, I couldn't go anywhere and the only solution there was left, was for me to go.

Sad, because I thought everything was actually going to be okay for once. But of course it wouldn't be okay. My head always told me that it would all be okay when I was gone. Gone for good. And this time I was actually debating it.

Was everyone really so sick of me? Just like Ryan said..

Everyone was done with me.

I desperately tried to call my mom and after five times of no response, I knew the answers to my questions as I heard Ryan his painfull words replaying in my head.

You've been negative all the time.

I walked to my bathroom as my eyes and hands rapidly searched through my drawers.

I needed something to make me feel better. Something, anything. I didn't deserve to have a good life, I had to suffer and feel pain.

I'm the one who makes everyone else' life worse.

Maybe it was just better to disappear for good.

I'm seriously starting to get sick of it!

All along they were acting. Of course they did not care about me. It was just pity.

I am so sick of you Matthew Gray.

I searched for anything to get lost: to free myself from all the misery I made.

''Bingo'' I muttered sad when I found what I was looking for.

"Rain.. Here I come baby" Were my last words before I closed my eyes.

From that moment Matthew brought himself in danger, serious danger.

What happened..?

Well,

He gave up.