Songs for this chapter are:

Black roses: Clare Bowen (from the show Nashville)

You- The 1975

Hundred- The Fray

(Some people were confused about the Valentine's Day chapter, it was a flashback. I wrote that on the author's note, they only take a second to read and it clears it up for you! There is another one at the end of this chapter, I know they drive some people crazy but a lot of my readers like them so if you can, read them please:)  

Hardin's POV.

"I can't believe I lost all my clothes in one hand of poker!" Janine comes tumbling into the kitchen, a cigarette in one hand and a red cup in the other.

"Well you could put something on now," an unfamiliar brunette says to her.

"I'm fine really." Janine snaps back to the girl. Women are so catty.

It takes me a moment to realize that Janine is topless, well topless and completely naked except a tiny string that I suppose could pass for a thong on a good day.

I can't really make out much of anything right now. The smoke from too many cigarettes, countless joints, and bong hits has transformed this apartment into a house of horrors. Naked chicks, cocaine, and booze are flowing in abundance. Everyone is behaving carelessly, just how I want to be. I need to be careless too. I need to get her face out of my fucking mind. 

When I look at Janine again, she's pulling a jersey over her head. "Happy?' She roll her eyes at the brunette, flipping her black hair in the most dramatic way.

Janine turns too quickly and her foot hits the leg of the table in the kitchen. She stumbles forward and knocks into me and my drink spills all over the jersey she just put on less than a minute ago.

"Damn it, Hardin!" She complains, removing the jersey and allowing her chest to be exposed again. Not that she gives a damn about being naked in front of an apartment full of people, but the brunette girl huffs in annoyance and storms out of the kitchen, making sure to take a bottle of tequila with her.

"What's her problem?" James turns to Janine.

"She doesn't like me because I fucked her boyfriend, well ex boyfriend." She smiles. It's a proud smile.

"Give me your shirt." Janine holds her hand out to James and he shakes his head.

"No way, Carla will be here in the morning and she will hang me by my balls if she sees you wearing my shit again." He raises his hands and leaves the kitchen.

"Give me your sweater." She turns to me.  I shake my head, denying her. "Come on, it's cold and I don't have any clothes." She shakes her barely existent chest at me to prove her point.

"What did you wear here then?" I raise a brow at Mark's sister.

"Someone hid my clothes. It was probably that jealous whore." Her thin arms cross in front of her chest, "come on, my brother is in the other room. Just give me your jumper, you have a shirt underneath anyway."

"Your brother has seen you naked many times I'm sure." I close my eyes and let the smoke fill my lungs, enjoying the potent taste of marijuana on my tongue.

"Ha-ha. Now give me your shirt and I'll share some of the good shit with you. Mark has some new dro that he just got and it's better than that shit," she pulls the joint from my fingers and takes a drag.

"Fine. Fuck you are annoying," I grumble and take off my sweatshirt. I don't give it to her, instead I toss the black t-shirt toward her. Tessa always loves the way I look in my oversized sweatshirt, she complements me every time I wear the thing.

Fuck.

I almost got away with not thinking of her.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

A few minutes later Janine joins me in the kitchen again. My t-shirt hangs off of her like a damn curtain. She doesn't fill it the way Tessa-

"Hurry up," I rush her. I need to erase her name from my mind.

"I am. It's already rolled, here." She places the drug into my hand and lifts herself on to the counter behind me.

"Scott! Give me the damn vodka, I need to make my new friend Bambi here a drink." Mark says as he walks into the kitchen.

"God, he's so annoying. Remember that time when you guys broke into that liquor store?" Janine asks into my ear. Her legs tighten around my waist but I don't care enough to brush them off again. She already got my damn t-shirt.

Instead of fighting her, I smile at the memory of trying to outrun the police. Janine's laugh dissolves into the empty space surrounding me, everything dissolves and shifts and focuses on Tessa. Why.. how?

"What.. what are you.." I fumble the words. Janine told me this weed is good shit, but damn, I didn't think she meant hallucination causing good.

"You two know each other?" Mark says through the cloud of smoke. She really is here. Tessa is here, in this apartment. How the fuck did she know where I am?

Tessa steps closer. How could she have possibly known how to get here? The joint between my fingers feels heavy as Tessa's eyes focus on it. Janine takes it back from me and Tessa's eyes move to Janine.

I'll take that as a yes," Mark laughs and pulls the bottle of liquor from my hand. I want to say something to her but what is there to say? I've already said goodbye, in my own way, and now she's here and I'm drunk and high and I don't want to talk anymore. I don't want to hear a list of shit I've done and am still doing wrong.

Her seeing me this way, with the crowd I belong in should give her the push to go home and never come back.

My silence and Janine's' presence at my back works to get her to leave. She disappears from the kitchen just as quickly as she arrived. My natural instinct is to go after her, to make sure she's okay and tell her I'm sorry, but I don't give in. Over time those instincts will go away, they have to.

"Who the hell was that?" Mark turns to me. I don't really know what to tell him, I don't even know what to tell myself. I think a few minutes pass, or maybe less, I haven't a damn clue but Mark keeps asking me the same fucking question over and over.

"Dude, tell us who that crazy chick was!" He asks again.

"No one, man. She's just some random-" I start to answer him when Tessa storms into the kitchen again. God damn it.

I can barely see straight, I am so high. The bottle of vodka is ripped from my hand and thrown against wall before I can stop her.

"What the fuck, Bambi?" Mark shouts.

I should tell him to stop fucking calling her that but I know it won't change anything and really, it's a pretty clever nickname. She really is like a baby deer, afraid, and sweet, and naïve. She's proving true to her nickname as she stands alone in a circle of lions.

"My name is Tessa!" She yells, I close my eyes, trying to talk myself through the veil of cannabis and liquor that has slowed and tainted my mind.

"You didn't have to break the vodka!" Mark says to her. I know he could give a fuck less about the mess, he only cares about the vodka. There are at least ten more bottles of vodka between the counter and the freezer.

"I learned how to smash bottles against walls from the best." Tessa glares at me. Her words sting, only fractionally. I've got myself to the point of intoxication where I'm nearly untouchable. A few more sips, a few more hits, and I'll nothing will phase me.

"You didn't tell me you had a girlfriend now," Janine slurs in my ear. I know what Tessa must think is going on here but I won't even try to clear it up. She can think what she wants, it will help her in the end.

"Leave it to Scott to bring a crazy ass American chick into my flat, throwing bottles and shit," Mark eyes Tessa, clearly interested in her.

"Don't," I step toward the two of them. I don't know if I'm warning him not to call her crazy, or if I'm warning her not to go near him.

"Who is this chick?" Mark asks for the thousandth fucking time.

"I already told you." I look at him then back to Janine. Tessa's breathing is echoing through the room and through my fucked up mind. She's close to losing it and I just need her to fucking leave.

I can see the anger in her eyes and I know she's getting ready to blow. "What the hell is wrong with you? You think you can slum it here and smoke pot all day long to forget about your problems?" She screams at me.

Tessa doesn't give me a chance to answer before she goes on, "you are so selfish! You think pushing me away and closing yourself off is good for me? You know damn well how this goes by now! You can't last without me, you'll be miserable and so will I. You aren't doing me any good by hurting me yet I find you like this?"

Of course I know what she's saying but none of that matters. Misery loves company and I've got an apartment full of lonely souls to drink the pain away with.

"You don't know what you're even talking about," I spit. She needs to get out of here and stop trying to convince me to stay with her. This is exactly why I left the key and the ticket without a word, to avoid a proper goodbye.

"I don't?" her hands fly through the air, "she is wearing your fucking shirt!' Tessa is screaming again and Janine finally gets a damn clue and jumps down from the counter, my shirt on her back.

"Why are you even here?" I ask her. She's lost in thought, probably still trying to come up with reasons why I should leave with her.

"What, you thought I would let you get away with being a coward?"

Yes. I did.

"I'll give you one last chance to leave with me now and go back home but if I walk out of this door without you, that will be it." She threatens.

She's threatening me? She chased after me after all this shit and she thinks she can threaten me?

"Thought so," her eyes roll. "You know what you can have all of this, you can drink and smoke your fucking life away," she steps closer to me and I force myself not to flinch at her words. "But this is all you will ever have so enjoy it while it lasts."

"I will," I calmly respond. I know this is all I will ever have and I'm sick of trying to fight against it. I was fine before she showed up here trying to make me feel like shit.

"So, if she isn't your girlfriend.." Mark begins, his bloodshot eyes search mine.

"I am no one's girlfriend," Tessa snaps and Mark smiles at her. Fuck no.

"Good, it's settled then." His hand is on her back and red beams through the cloud covering my mind.

"Get off of her!" I push him. This is exactly why she shouldn't be here!

"Outside, now." I tell her. She needs to leave, now. I know Mark and I know how he is with girls, especially innocent girls like Tess. I know better than anyone because I'm the same way. I hear her following behind me as I enter the hall and slam the door.

"What the fuck was that?" I walk into her, corning her.

"What was what? Me calling you out on your shit? You think you can just shove a plane ticket and a keychain into a suitcase and I'll go away?" Her hands shove at my chest, pushing me against the wall.

What does she want from me? I already told her that I'm done with her, how does she not get that?

Did I tell her? The liquor is catching up with me now, layering another sheet of confusion over my sense of reality.

"I'm so fucking lost in my own head right now that I can't think straight, let alone give you a fucking explanation for the thousandth god damn time!" I don't feel anything as my fist cuts through the drywall. The only evidence of the assault is Tessa's expression and clean hole in the wall behind her.

"You didn't even try! I did nothing wrong!" She tries to defend herself. She doesn't need to defend herself against me. I know how perfect she is.

I tug at my hair, ready to rip it from my scalp, wanting to feel something, but no physical pain comes from it.

"What more do you need Tessa? Do you need me to fucking spell it for you? Get out of here, go back where you belong! You have no business here, you don't fit in here," I lower my voice, maybe she will finally listen.

"Are you happy now? You win Hardin. You win yet again. You always do though, don't you?"

I turn to face her, making sure she is looking directly into my eyes when I deliver my final blow, "you know that better than anyone, wouldn't you say?" I can literally see the defeat behind her eyes and I know she finally gets it.

She finally sees me for who I really am, a lost cause.

......

"I still don't get why you didn't just tell her that you spilled a drink on me," Janine says, handing me a cup full of liquor. "Would have saved her from acting all fucking crazy."

"No more bottles for you!" Mark laughs next to me, trying to make a joke about Tessa breaking the bottle of vodka against the wall.

I don't feel like joking. I don't feel anything.

She was so angry. I have never seen her as angry as she was just now. I know what she thought about me and Janine. It's not like I said or did anything to change her mind.

The fact that Tessa saw Janine in my shirt is how I know she's on that plane right now.

Yesterday, I would have spent hours doing whatever shit I could to make her believe me but not today. Today I am going to drink more, smoke more, and erase her completely.

"Drop it. I already told you I wasn't going to fucking discuss her so leave it alone." I lay my head back against the couch and close my eyes. The apartment is still full, too many drunk and doped up fucking idiots in one space.

Metallica rambles about puppets and I smile at the thought of never having to listen to bullshit music again.

I can feel multiple eyes on me and it's making me paranoid. Obviously, the attention was drawn to me after Tessa's arrival and questions about the fiery American girl have been thrown at me for the last four hours.

"We get it. We shouldn't be talking about her tits then, right? Because holy fucking-"

"Enough!" I slam my battered hand against the heavy wooden table. I am on my last fucking nerve with these fuckers and it's taking everything in me not to react, I know if I do they will never let it go.

"Alright! Don't break my glass, dick." Mark points to the glass between my fingers. I imagine my fists connecting with his jaw over and over and over and over while finishing the rest of my drink.

"I'm going to bed. I haven't slept in two days," James stands from his spot on the opposite end of the couch.

"Stop snorting shit then," Janine taunts him. James rolls his eyes and wipes the excess powder from under his nose.

"You're one to talk. You're the one who got me on the shit," he takes another drag from a joint being passed around the room. I can barely keep my eyes open at this point. I don't want to. I only want to fade away until tomorrow and repeat what I did today, minus the interruption.

The higher I can get, the better. The more I smoke, the more I drink, the more her image fades from behind my eyes. Every time I fucking close them, there she is, well was. Now I see a vision of her that's clouded with smoke and fading with each exhale of smoke and swallow of vodka.

....

"I'll keep you company out here," Mark's sister says to me when the apartment finally clears out. It's nearly four in the morning now and I'm so fucking high that I can't feel anything, not even her fingers drawing circles on my leg.

 "Yeah," I hear myself respond.

Jolene.. Janine.. is straddling me now but I can barely feel her weight on me. She's a tiny thing anyway but I should be able to feel something. I don't know why I'm complaining because this was the goal, to be numb.

"Remember your first time?" She breathes into my ear.

"Mhm," I don't actually, not right now anyway. I don't remember anything.

"Me too. You were so sure of yourself and cocky. It was a major turn on for me," her tongue should feel warm against my neck but I can't feel shit. "Your dick was huge then, I can't imagine what it looks like now."

Her hands cover mine and she pushes them under her shirt, up to her chest. Her mouth tastes like stale cigarettes and vodka, a disgusting mix. I turn my head away and her mouth latches onto my neck again. Her hands are still using mine to grope her small tits.

 "Here, I'll  make it easier for you," she takes off her shirt and moves her hand down to zipper. She grips me but again, I feel nothing.

"Wait," I manage to slur.

"Don't worry, I'm on the pill." I think she says.

I let my hands fall to the couch cushion after she pulls my sweatshirt over my head and tosses it somewhere behind her.

"So many tattoos," she says, her mouth trailing along my chest. "I can fuck like a porn star now. James says I should really look into making a career of it." She sounds proud of herself as she continues to rub her hand over my nonresponsive dick.

"Jeez, what are you, dead down there?" She rubs harder but nothing happens.

I stare at the wall and she climbs off of me, moving to her knees in front of me. "This will help, it always does," she smiles and I'm appalled by what I see in front of me. The gray eyes that I'm used to looking into are full of life and love. This girl's dark eyes are dead, void of anything remotely living and I can't stand to look at her any longer.

I'm off of the couch and pushing the bathroom door open before she scrambles to her feet. "Are you okay?" I hear her ask me as I wrap my arms around the toilet bowl and empty my stomach into it.

"Are you okay?" She says again, her high pitched voice is louder this time.

"Get out," I groan, closing my eyes. The smell of urine is making it easier to be sick in the filthy bathroom.

"I'm just making-" she continues to pester me.

"I said get the fuck out," I say again, louder this time.

"Fine!" The naked girl shrieks and slams the door, not even bothering to turn the light on before doing so.

I'm left in the dark and alone, the way it should be.  

Tessa's POV.

I'm so relieved to see Landon that I can't help but throw my arms around his neck the moment he opens the front door of Ken's house.

"How was the drive? I wish you would have let me pick you up in Seattle." If he wasn't hugging me so tightly I would look up and see a frown, I'm sure.

"It wasn't so bad," I lie. "I had to bring Hardin's car back anyway. I didn't want to leave it sitting there for God knows how long." I cringe away from the use of his name.

During the eight hour flight and six hour drive, I vowed that I wouldn't say his name anymore. I can't help it if others around me do, it's unavoidable, but I won't put myself through the pain that comes along with the taste of his name on my tongue. Not anymore.

I don't want to tell Landon that I slept in Hardin's car in the parking lot of the airport. My flight landed at ten last night and I couldn't bring myself to make the long drive back to Pullman and I don't feel comfortable staying at Christian's home right now.

Yet again, I had no where to go.

"I still don't understand what happened. What made him stay in London?" Landon asks, pulling away from the hug all too soon.

He picks up my suitcase and bag from the floor and leads me into the kitchen. I don't answer him, I also vowed to keep Hardin's secrets to myself. If he wants them revealed, he will do so himself. It's not my place, not anymore, well truthfully, it never was I just couldn't see past the illusion that I had created.

"Muffin?" He asks, his smile wary but so warm.

"I'm not really hungry," I begin to tell him but quickly change my mind when my stomach grumbles at the smell of the strawberry dough.

"Where's your mother and Ken?" I ask him, looking around the tidy kitchen for a sign of Karen's strawberry printed apron.

"My mom had some appointments this morning." Landon's back is facing me as he opens the refrigerator and pulls out a carton of milk. "I made coffee too, it's fresh."

"Thank you. You really didn't have to go through all this trouble."

"You're not trouble." He assures me. A fresh cup of steaming coffee is placed in front of me before I can get it for myself. "You know I won't ask too many questions but will you at least tell me why you can't stay at Christian Vance's house anymore?"

"It's not that I can't," I went over every possible answer to every possible question I knew that I would be asked when I returned alone from London. I have all my answers memorized, rehearsed, and ready to recite. An eight hour flight can do wonders after your world comes crashing down around you.

"I'm deciding where I want to go from here. I don't think Seattle is the best fit for me."

"Really? But you've always wanted to go there,"

"I know. I'm most likely going to stay there, I'm just speaking in general. But either way, I need my own place. If I keep my internship at Vance I can afford to live on my own."

"Are you sure about this? I know you two have a rocky relationship sometimes but it always works out and I don't want you to make any hasty choices," Landon's sure expression begins to chip away at the barrier between myself and the pain. It's a newly constructed, very fragile barrier that I am desperate to keep up until the pain is so dull that I can allow myself to be exposed again. 

"You know I will support whatever you decide though," he adds.

"I know I've said it before, too many times to count, but Landon," I dig my fingernails into my palm to distract myself from the stinging in my chest, "Hardin did something that I can't go back from. You won't believe me now, I wouldn't if I were you but you'll see. This time it's final."

I don't know if it was something I said or my tone of voice, but Landon's expression changes instantly. "What did he do?"

"Nothing that I can repeat without being dragged back to that place," I shudder at the image of Janine in Hardin's t-shirt. "Don't worry about me, I'll be fine this time. I've felt this before and I know from experience that eventually it will stop feeling this way." I know I'm trying to convince myself with the words just as much as my best friend, but I can only pray they will be true.

"Okay. I won't pry but just know that I'm here, okay?" He puts his hand on mine and I nod. I don't know what I did in life to deserve someone as pure and loyal as Landon, but I am so thankful for him.

"I don't know what I will do without you when you leave," I tell him, wishing I wouldn't have allowed the thought into my mind, let alone the air.

"I have to sign my lease in two weeks but I can push it back again if you need me here. I-"

"No! No, I'm okay. I just meant that I will miss you. Don't go moving your schedule around because I finally got the ending that I should have saw coming." I look away from his stare, embarrassed by my outburst. That sentence is the type of thing I spent an eight hour flight promising myself that I wouldn't say.

"Move to New York with me."

I across the counter at him and laugh, it's a genuine laugh. It has come much sooner than I could have expected. "Yeah, okay."

"I'm serious!" He smiles and takes the coffee mug from my hands. "I mean it, why not? Your GPA will get you into NYU, Ken could write a recommendation letter and call some people, you could start with me next month. Worst case scenario  you could go to another, smaller college until you are accepted."

He isn't serious. He couldn't be. "I rely on you for your common sense and calculated decisions, Landon. You are ruining that right now," I tease him.

"Tessa, I'm serious. Name one reason why you shouldn't. Unless you and Hardin are going to work this out.."

"No. We aren't." I tell him, meaning it this time. I'm reminded by the pesky voice of my subconscious that I've said that one hundred times before. "You'll see." I tell Landon and her.

"I understand if you don't want to leave Seattle because it's your dream city but you said yourself, it isn't what you thought it would be. So why not come to New York with me? I've been doubting myself lately too. I almost cancelled my meeting with the leasing officer."

"I couldn't move to New York with you. Dakota would probably feel uncomfortable with me being there all the time and I could never afford a lease in New York City."

Landon's eyes turn soft again and I know he's trying to soften whatever words will follow those puppy dog eyes of his, "Dakota broke up with me. I was going to tell you but you had so much going on with your dad and Seattle, I didn't want you to worry about me."

The barrier is knocked down. Only for Landon, only for my best friend's pain, not my own. "I'm so sorry, I would have been here for you. I can't believe I was so focused on myself that I didn't notice you were going through a break-up. I really am so sorry,"

"It's okay. Don't apologize, I knew it was coming for a while. I just wasn't ready to face it." He really does look fine, a little sad, but fine. Much better than me, I'm sure.

"I know how that is. If you want to talk about it we can. Are you sure you still want to go New York?" I ask him.

"Yeah I'm sure. My mom really wants me to go and if I'm being honest, I would much rather graduate from NYU than WSU. Nothing against WSU but NYU is just.. well, NYU." He says and we share a smile. "I can make friends there, not that I had any here anyway. If I don't like it there I can always come back here next semester."

Landon's positivity is contagious. "You're right. You should go, you'll love it there. NYU is such an amazing school."

"You could stay with me in my apartment. I know Hardin won't like that-" he stops midsentence. "Sorry, it's going to be hard to break that habit," he frowns.

I know Landon, I know.

"I couldn't afford to help you enough and my student loans will be too high at NYU." I talk myself down from the excitement of the idea. I couldn't possibly just move to New York City on a whim. That would be too chaotic and unplanned.

"You could apply for more grants. I could help you. You wouldn't have to pay anything for tuition if you applied for enough scholarships and grants."

"I don't know," I really don't know. It sounds good, especially now when I want a clean break from him.

"Well just think about it. Sophia lives there too." He says.

"Sophia?" I know the name but I'm drawing a blank. "Oh! Yeah, the chef right?" I liked her, she was very sweet and her baking skills were superb.

"Yeah, the chef." Landon's cheeks flush. "So will you think about it at least? It's a rational decision if you really think about it." He explains. It feels irrational and completely insane to even consider his offer but maybe irrational and completely insane is what I need right now.

"I'll think about it." I promise him. "Let's start with baby steps first. Will you go with me to get a new phone?"

"You're getting a new phone?" He raises a brow at me and stares like I've grown another head.

"I think it's finally time," a new phone was another thing I decided while on the plane. "Mine is on it's last leg and I need a new phone number." I push against the threatening pull of my thoughts. They keep trying to go back to him. A new phone number is the first step in accepting all of this. Not that he will bother calling me anyway.

(Hey guys! I am nominated for a Shorty Award for author on twitter! (It doesn't mean I'm the best author, it just means I use social media a lot for my book related things) I just was entered yesterday and the voting ends on the 18th but I'm in second place already. The winner isn't based on voting alone but it helps so if you have any free time, could you please vote for me?   It only takes a moment and if you don't have a twitter you can make one in less than a few minutes. If you can't, don't worry about it but I would really appreciate it if you could. If I was to win, I promise I will reward you all for voting, I could write and post three chapters in a row or something! (Yes, I'm bribing you) but I love you all and this would really mean a lot to me. The website is shortyawards.com and it's under Author, I've shared the link on my  wattpad profile , twitter account and in the bio of my ig page! love you all and thank you in advance!)