The songs for this chapter are:

Demons- Imagine dragons

Cough Syrup- young the giant

Hardin's POV.

"I don't know why I'm here but I don't know where else to go." I lay my head in my hands and my father takes a seat on the edge of his mahogany desk.

"I'm glad you came to me." He says quietly, gaging my reaction.

"I wouldn't exactly say I came to you." I remind him. I did in fact come to him but I don't want him thinking this is some big revelation or some shit.

I watch as he gulps and nods slowly, his eyes moving everywhere in the room except to me.

"You don't have to be nervous, I'm not going to throw a fit or break anything. I don't have the energy." I sigh when he doesn't respond.

"Do you want to tell me what happened?"

"No I don't," I sigh.

"Okay,"

"I don't want to but I'm going to, I guess."

He looks puzzled for a moment and his brown eyes widen, taking me in, watching me carefully, waiting for the catch, I'm sure.

"Believe me, if I had anyone else to go to I wouldn't be here but Landon is a biased asshole and always takes her side." I groan, knowing that isn't even half true but I don't want Landon's advice right now. More than that, I don't want to admit to him what a dick I have been and the shit I have said to Tessa over the last few days. His opinion doesn't matter to me but for some reason it matters more than anyone else's, except Tess of course.

"I know that son."

"Good," I don't know where to start and honestly, I'm still not sure what brought me here. I had every intention on going to a bar to have a drink but somehow I ended up pulling into my father's, no, my dad's driveway. The way Tessa only says 'mother' and 'father' instead of 'mum' and 'dad' used to drive me insane but now it's almost become a habit for me too. He's lucky I'm even referring to him as father or dad instead of Ken or "asshole" which I have done most of my life.

"Well, as you have probably guessed Tessa finally left me." I admit and look up at my father. He does his best to keep a neutral expression while he waits for me to continue, "And I didn't stop her."

"You're sure she won't be back?" He asks.

"Yes I'm sure, she gave me multiple opportunities to stop her and she hasn't tried to call or text in," I glance at the clock on the wall, "almost twenty-eight hours and I don't have the slightest clue where she is." I was expecting her car to be in the driveway when I arrived here but it wasn't. Where else could she even be? I hope she didn't drive all the way to her mum's house.

"You've done this before though, the two of you always seem to find a way.."

"Are you listening to me? I said she isn't coming back." I huff, interrupting him.

"I'm listening, I'm just curious as to what makes this time any different." When I glare at him he's staring impassively at me and I resist the urge to get up and leave his over-decorated office.

"It just is. I don't know how I know that and you probably think I'm a dumbass for even coming here but I'm tired dad, I'm so fucking tired of being this way and I don't know what to do about it." Fuck I sound so desperate and fucking pathetic.

"I blame you, I really do blame you because if you would have been there for me maybe you could have shown me how to.. I don't know, how to not treat people like shit. If I had a man in the house while growing up maybe I wouldn't be such a shitty person. If I don't find some resolve between us I will end up just like you. Well you before you became this." I gesture to his sweater vest and perfectly pressed dress slacks.

"If I can't find a way to stop hating you, I will never be able to.." I don't want to finish the sentence in front of him. What I want to say is that if I can't stop hating him, I'll never be able to show her how much I love her and treat her the way I should, the way she deserves.

"You're right." He surprises me by agreeing.

"I am?"

"Yes, you are. If you had a father to guide you and show you how to be a man, you would be better equipped to handle these things and life in general. I have blamed myself for your.." I watch as he struggles for the words, "behavior, the way you are is my fault. It all stems from me and my mistakes. I will carry the guilt of my sins for the entirety of my life and for those sins, I am so sorry." His voice catches at the end and I feel incredibly nauseous.

"What am I supposed to do about it now? There has to be something." I pick at the torn skin around my finger nails. My knuckles are surprisingly not busted. I haven't taken my frustration out on a wall, yet.

"I think you should talk to someone." He suggests.

No shit, you don't fucking say?

"What are we doing right now? We're talking." I wave my hand into the open space between us.

"I'm referring to a professional, you are holding onto a lot of anger from your childhood and unless you find some way to let that go, or at least deal with it in a healthy way I'm afraid you won't progress at all."

"So coming here was a waste of my time then? There's nothing you can do?" I knew I shouldn't have come here. I could be on my second whiskey and coke by now.

"It wasn't a waste of time, it's a really good step in trying to be a better person." He makes eye contact with me again and I can literally taste the whiskey that I should be drinking right now instead of having this conversation. "She will be so proud of you." He adds.

Proud? Why the hell would anyone be proud of me? Shocked that I'm here maybe, but proud.. no.

"She called me a drunk." I confess without thinking.

"Is she right?" He asks me, concern clear on his face.

"I don't know. I don't think I am but I don't know."

"If you don't know if you are a drunk, you may want to find an answer before it becomes too late."

"Why did you start drinking in the first place?" I've always wanted to know the answer to this question but I have never been around him enough to ask.

He sighs and his hand moves up to smooth over his short hair. "Well, your mum and I weren't at the best place at the time and the spiral started when I left one night and got drunk. By drunk I mean I couldn't even walk home and I found that I liked the way I felt, immobile or not, it numbed me to all the pain I was feeling and it became a habit after that. I spent more time at that damned bar across the street than I did with you and her. It got to the point where I couldn't function without the liquor but I couldn't function with it either, it was a losing battle."

"What was so painful that you were trying to escape?" I don't remember anything before my father became a drunk, I had always assumed he was like that since before I was born.

"That's not important, what's important is that I finally woke up one day and got sober."

"After you left us." I remind him.

"You both were better off without me, I was in no position to be a father or a husband. Your mum did an excellent job raising you, I wish she wouldn't have had to do it alone but I was no good for you two."

Anger churns and heats inside me and I press my fingers into the armrests of the chair in an attempt to control it. "But you can be a husband to Karen and a father to Landon."

There I said it. I have so much fucking resentment toward this man who was a drunk asshole my entire life but remarries and takes on a new son and new wife. Not to mention he's rich now and we didn't have shit while I was growing up. Karen and Landon have everything that my mum and I should have instead.

"I know it seems that way Hardin but that's not true. I met Karen two years after I stopped drinking. Landon was already sixteen and I wasn't trying to be father figure to him, he didn't grow up with a man in the house either so he was quick to embrace me. It wasn't my intention to have a new family and replace you, I could never replace you. You never wanted anything to do with me and I don't blame you for that but son I spent most of my life living in the dark, a blinding desolate darkness and Karen was my light, the way Tessa is for you." My heart nearly stops at the mention of Tessa, I was so lost in reliving my shitty childhood that I was able to stop thinking about her for a moment.

"I couldn't help but be happy and grateful that she came into my life, Landon included. I would give anything to have a relationship with you the way I do with him, maybe one day that could happen." He is out of breath after his long confession and I'm left speechless. I've never had this type of conversation with him, nor anyone in my life except Tessa, she always seems to be the exception.

I don't know what to say to him, I don't forgive for fucking up my life and choosing liquor over my mum and I but I meant what I said about trying to forgive him. If I don't, I'll never be able to be normal. I'm not even sure I will ever be able to be "normal" but I want to be able to go a week without breaking something, or someone.

The humiliation on Tessa's face when I told her to leave the apartment is clear in my mind but instead of fighting it like I always do, I embrace it. I need to be reminded of what I did to her, no more hiding.

"You haven't said anything." My dad interrupts my thoughts, making Tessa's face fade and I try to hang onto the image as it slips away. The only comfort I have is knowing that it will be back to haunt me soon enough.

"I don't really know what the hell to say, this has been a lot for me. I don't know what to think." I admit. The honesty in my words terrifies me and I wait for him to make shit awkward but he doesn't. He just nods in agreement and stands to his feet.

"Karen is making a late dinner if you want to stay."

"No, I'll pass." I groan, I want to go home. The only problem with home is Tessa isn't there. That's my own damn fault though. I am finally beginning to see that now, now that it's too late of course.

I drive straight to the apartment from my father's house. I ran into Landon in the hallway as I was leaving but I ignored him and left before he could try to force his unwarranted advice onto me. I do wish I would have asked him where Tessa is, I am desperate to know but I know myself and I know I would show up wherever it is that she is and drag her out. Listening to my dad's explanation of why he was such a shitty father to me was a step in the right direction but I'm not miraculously going to be able to stop being a controlling bastard all the sudden and if Tessa is somewhere that I don't want her to be, like with Zed for example..

Is she with Zed? Holy shit, would she be with him? I don't think so but it's not like I've given her the option of having many friends and if she isn't with Landon.. ..

No, she's not with Zed.

She's not.

I continue to convince myself this as I ride the elevator up to our apartment. Half of me hopes that whoever the asshole is that came into our apartment is back now, I could really use them as an outlet for my growing paranoia and anger.

A chill runs down my back and over my entire body at the thought of an intruder coming inside while Tessa was home. What if she would have been home alone? Tessa's flushed, tear-stained face from my nightmares flashes in front of me and my body goes rigid at the thought. If anyone ever tried to hurt her physically, it would be the last thing they ever fucking did, that's for damn sure.  

I'm such a fucking hypocrite! Here I am threatening to kill someone for hurting her but that's all I seem to be capable of doing. To keep myself busy I sort through Tessa's book collection. She left too many behind and I know it killed her to do so but she didn't want to make a second trip to retrieve them. I don't blame her.

A leather notebook hidden between two copies of Emma catches my eye and I run my fingers along the clasp. What the hell is this? I sift through the pages to find that Tessa's handwriting fills each page. Is this some sort of diary that I didn't know she was keeping?

'Introduction to Religion' is written neatly on the first page. I sit down on the bed with the book in my hands and begin to read.

Tessa's POV.

"It was cool of you to come, I wasn't sure if you were going to!" Logan calls from the other side of the kitchen as he walks over to me.

"I wouldn't miss my own going away party." I smile, holding a red cup between my shaky hands.

"I've missed you around here, no one has choked Molly in a while." He laughs and tips his head back, letting clear liquor fill his mouth, straight from the bottle. He swallows it down, blinks, and clears his throat, shaking his head in the process and I cringe at the thought of how bad that had to burn.

"You'll always be my hero for that." He teases and offers the bottle to me. I shake my head and hold up the half-empty cup in my hand.

"I'm sure it won't be long until someone else comes along and does it again." I smile at the thought.

"Uh-oh! Speak of the devil," Logan' eyes are focused behind me and I don't want to turn around.

"Why!" I quietly groan, leaning one elbow on the counter and Logan playfully offers me the bottle again. This time I accept his offer.

"Drink up." He smiles and walks away leaving me with the bottle.

"As sad as I am that you are moving away, I'm glad I won't have to see you again. I will miss Hardin though, the things that boy can do with his tongue.." Molly's voice is sweet and soft and I roll my eyes at her while I try to think of a comeback but fail.

Jealousy runs like ice through my veins and I contemplate choking her again, right here, right now.

"Go away," I eventually say and she laughs. It's a hideous noise really.

"Oh come on Tessa, I was your first enemy at college that counts for something right?" She winks and bumps her hip into mine as she walks past me.

This was a terrible idea, I knew better than to come here, especially without Hardin. Steph has disappeared and Logan has been nice enough to keep me company for a while but he has since found interest in a girl who appears to be wholesome from one side but when she turns, half of her face is tattooed. Ouch. I begin to wonder if it's actually permanent as I pour a little more liquor into my cup. I plan to nurse this cup all night and drink very slowly, otherwise the façade that I've been struggling to hold up will diminish and I'll end up being that annoying drunk girl who cries every time someone looks at her.

I force myself to walk a slow lap around the house in search for Steph's crimson hair but she's nowhere to be found. When I finally spot Nate's familiar face, he too has found company in a female and I don't want to interrupt. I feel oddly out of place here, not because I don't exactly fit in with this crowd, but because I have this feeling that even though this party was labeled as my "going away party", I don't think anyone here actually cares that Hardin and I are going away. Perhaps they would show more interest if Hardin would have come along, he is their friend after all.

"There you are!" I finally hear Steph's voice after sitting alone at the kitchen counter for nearly an hour. I've eaten an entire bowl of pretzels and I'm up to two drinks. I have been debating whether to call a cab or not but now that Steph has finally reappeared I will try to hang in a little longer. Tristan, Molly, and Dan are behind Steph and I do my best to keep a neutral expression.

I miss Hardin.

"I thought you left or something!" I call over the music, distracting myself from thoughts of Hardin and how wrong it feels to be here without him. I have been battling myself to stay away from Hardin's old bedroom upstairs, I want to go in there so badly, to hide from the uncomfortable mass of people, to reminisce, I don't know but I keep finding myself gravitating towards the stairs and it's killing me slowly.

"No way! I got you a drink." Steph smiles and takes the drink from my hand. She replaces it with an identical red cup filled with pink liquid.

"Cherry vodka sour, duh!" She squeals at my confusion and I force myself to laugh awkwardly while I raise the cup to my lips.

"To your last party with us!" Steph cheers and multiple strangers clap along. Molly looks away as I tilt my head back and allow the sweet cherry flavoring to take over my senses.

"Talk about good timing." Molly says to Steph and I turn around quickly. I can't decide if I want it to be Hardin or not, but my dilemma is silenced when Zed walks into the kitchen dressed in all black.

My mouth falls open slightly and I turn back to Steph, "You said he wouldn't be here."

The last thing I need right now is another reminder of the mess I made of my life. I said my goodbyes to Zed in my office and I wasn't prepared to reopen that wound.

"Sorry, he just showed up. I didn't know." She shrugs and leans into Tristan.

"Are you sure this party is even for me?" I know I sound ungrateful but for Steph to have Zed and Molly here really bothers me. If Hardin would have came he would have lost it when Zed entered the kitchen.

"Of course it is! I'm sorry he's here. I'll tell him to stay away from you." She assures me and begins to walk toward him but I grab her arm.

"No, don't. I don't want to be mean. It's fine."

Zed is in conversation with a blonde girl as he walks further into the kitchen. He's smiling down at her as she laughs but when he looks up and notices my presence his smile fades. His eyes dart to Steph and Tristan but they both avoid him and leave the room with Molly and Dan following behind them. Once again I'm left alone.

I watch as Zed leans down and says something in the blonde's ear, she smiles and walks away from him.

"Hey," he smiles awkwardly and shifts on his feet when he reaches me.

"Hey," I take another drink.

"I didn't know you would be here," we say in unison and laugh uncomfortably.

"You first," he grins. I'm relieved that he doesn't seem to be holding a grudge toward me.

"I was just saying that I had no idea you were coming."

"Me either,"

"I thought so. Steph keeps saying that this is some going away party for me but I'm positive now that she was just saying that to be nice." Another drink.

The cherry vodka sour is much stronger than the other two drinks I had.

"You.. you're here with Steph?" He asks, closing the space between us.

"Yeah. Hardin isn't here if that's what you're wondering."

"No, I .. " his eyes move to my hand as I place the empty cup on the counter.

"What is that?"

"Cherry vodka sour, ironic isn't it?" I say and he doesn't laugh. His face twists in confusion as he looks from my face, back down to the cup, and to my face again.

"Did Steph give you that drink?" His tone is serious, too serious and my mind is slow. Too slow.

"Yeah, so?"

"Fuck." He snaps and snatches the cup from the counter. "Stay here." He commands and I nod slowly, my head feels heavy. I try to focus on him as he disappears from the kitchen but I find myself distracted by the way the lights above my head seem to be spinning round and round.

(I hope everyone had an amazing Halloween, mine was pretty uneventful! Wattpad had a Halloween party and some of the team dressed as the characters from After, I got a kick out of that! The picture is on my ig and twitter, most of you have seen it I think, if not you should check it out! ily all! xoxo)