The car ride is awkward, I hold my clothes on my lap and stare out the window waiting to see if Noah is going to break the silence that hangs between us. He makes no move to speak so I pull my phone out of my purse. It's off, it must have died last night. I try to turn it on anyway and the screen comes to life. I am relieved to find that I have no new voicemails or texts. The only noise in the car is the light drizzle of rain and the slow screech of the windshield wipers.

"Are you still mad?" He finally asks as he pulls onto campus.

"No" I lie. I am not exactly mad, just hurt.

"It sure seems like you are. Don't act like a child."

"Well I am not. I could care less if you want to drop me off so you can go hook up with Nessa" the words tumble from my mouth before I can stop them. I hate the way I feel about him and Nessa. It makes me sick to my stomach to think of them together. What is it about her anyway? Her pink hair? Her tattoos?

"That's not what I am doing. Not that it is your business anyway." he scoffs.

"Yea, well you jumped to answer your phone when I was about to.. well you know" I mutter. I should have just stayed quiet. I don't want to fight with Noah right now. Especially when I don't know when I will see him again. I really wish he wouldn't have dropped Literature. He just pushes my buttons, every single one

"It isn't like that, Jane." he defends. So we are back to Jane?

"Really Noah? It seems like it is to me. I don't really give a crap anyway. I knew it wouldn't last." I finally admit to him and myself. The reason I didn't want to leave his father's house is because I knew once it wasn't just Noah and I, it would go back to this. It always does.

"What wouldn't last?"

"This.. us. You being decent to me for once." I don't dare to look at him, that's how he gets me to turn to putty every time.

"So what then? You're going to avoid me for another week? We both know that by this weekend you will be back in my bed." he snaps. My jaw drops open. He surely did not just say that?

"Excuse me?" I shout. I am at a loss for words. No one has ever talked to me the way he has, no one has ever been so disrespectful. Tears brim over my eyes as the car slows to park. Before he can respond, I open the door, grab my things and bolt towards my room. I cut across the soaking grass and curse at myself for not taking the sidewalk, I just need to get as far away from Noah as I possibly can. When he said he wants me he meant sexually, I knew this but it hurts to let it soak in.

"Dixie!" I hear him call, followed by the sound of his car door slamming. One of Sab's heels drop and clamber to the ground but I keep running, I will get her a new pair.

"Damn it Dixie! Stop!" He yells again. I hadn't expected him to follow me. I push myself to run faster, finally I reach my building and run down the hall. By the time I reach my dorm room I am full on sobbing, and yank the door open, slamming it shut behind me. My tears mix with the rain and I furiously wipe my face.

I am frozen in place when I see Nick sitting on my bed. Oh god, not now. Noah will be crashing through the door any second.

"Dixie, what is wrong? Where have you been?" He gets up and rushes towards me. He tires to cup my cheek in his hand but I turn my head. Pain flashes in his eyes as if he is asking why I am turning away from his touch.

"It's..I am so sorry Nick." I cry as Noah yanks the door open, the hinges squeak and crack against his pull. Nick's eyes widen and narrow as his gaze meets Noah's. He backs away from me with a horrified expression.

Noah tosses the high heel that I dropped onto the floor and walks further into the room. He doesn't acknowledge Nick's presence at all.

"I didn't mean that, what I just said." Noah steps towards me.

"That's where you were? You were with him all night? Are those his clothes? I tried to call you and text you all night and all morning, I left you countless voicemails and you were with him?" Hatred is laced in his voice.

"You went through my phone didn't you? You deleted the messages!" I shout at Noah.

My head tells me to answer Nick but my heart is only focused on Noah.

"Yea.. I did." He admits.

"Why the hell would you do that? You can answer Noah's calls but you delete my messages from my boyfriend?!" He winces as I say call Nick my boyfriend.

"How dare you play these games with me Noan!" I scream, sobbing again. Nick grabs my wrist and turns me to face him, then Noah shoves Nick back by his shoulders.

"Do not touch her" Noah growls at Nick. This isn't happening. I watch as the daytime soap opera that has become my life unfolds in front of me.

"You don't tell me what to do with my girlfriend you prick." Nick spits back and shoves Noah back. Noah advances towards Nick once more but I grab his shirt and pull him back. Maybe I should let them fight each other, Noah deserves a good punch in the jaw.

"Stop it! Noahjust go!" I wipe my tears. Noahglares at Nick again and moves to stand in front of me

"No, I am not leaving this time Dixie, I have already done that too many times." He sighs and runs his fingers through his hair.

"Dixie, make him leave!"" Nick begs but I ignore him. I have to know what Noah will say.

"I didn't mean what I said in the car, and I don't know why I took Nessa's phone call. It's a habit I guess, please just give me chance. I know you have already given me too many chances but I just need one more. Please Dixie." he breaths. He sounds exhausted.

"Why should I Noah? I have continued to give you chances to be my friend over and over, I don't think I have it in me to try again." I tell him. I am faintly aware of Nick gaping at us but at the moment I don't care.

"I don't just want to be friends.. I want more." His words knock the breath right out of me.

"No you don't." Noah doesn't date.

"Yes, I do. I do."

"You said you don't date and that I wasn't your type." I remind him. My mind still can't wrap itself around the fact that I am having this conversation with Noah, in front of Nick at that.

"You aren't my type, just the way that I am not yours. But that's why we are good for each other, we are so different yet we are the same. You told me once that I bring out the worst in you, well you bring out the best in me. I know you feel it too Dixie. And yes, I don't date, until you. You make me want to date, you make me want to be better. I want you to think I am worthy of you, I want you to want me the way I do you. I want to fight with you, even scream at each other until one of us admits we are wrong. I want to make you laugh, and listen to you ramble about classic novels, I just.. I need you. I know I am cruel at times.. well all the time, that is only because I don't know how else to be. This has been me for so long, I have never wanted to be any other way. Until now, until you." his voice is half a whisper and his eyes are wild. This Is so unlike him, but the way his words came out in a rushed string and the heavy breathing that accompanied them somehow make it seem natural. I am dumbfounded.

I am not sure how I am still standing after his declaration.

"What the hell? Dixie?" Nick says frantically.

"You should go." I whisper, not breaking eye contact with Nian.

"Thank you! I thought that was never going to end." Nick says.

Noah looks heartbroken, absolutely crushed.

"Nick I said you should go." I repeat. I hear Noah and Nick both suck in a sharp breath. Relief washes over Noah and I reach for his hands, threading my small fingers through his trembling ones.

"What?" Nick shouts. "You can't be serious Dixie, we have known each other so long, this guy is just using you. He will toss you aside as soon as he is done with you, and I love you. Don't make this mistake Dixie." He begs. I feel for him, and it hurts me to do this to him but I know I can't be with Nick, I want Noah. And Noah wants more. More with me. My heart flutters again and I look at Nick.

"I would stop talking. Now." Noah warns Nick.

"I am so sorry that it happened this way, I really am." I tell him. He doesn't say anything else, he looks broken as he leaves my room. I know he left because he didn't want to cry in front of Noah.

"Dixie.. I.. you really do feel the same way?" Noah gasps and I nod. How could he not know this by now? I had thought I seemed desperate and obvious with my feelings.

"No nodding, please say it." desperation fuels his words.

'Yea, Hardin I do." I say. I don't have a beautiful or meaningful speech like him but those simple words seem to be enough for him.

The smile I receive from him heals some of the pain I feel from breaking Nick's heart just moments ago. I am still reeling from what Noah has just said. It is everything I wanted him to say, but never imagined that he actually would.

"So what do we do now?" He asks. "I'm new at this." he flushes. This feels like a dream.

"Kiss me." I say and he pulls me to his chest, his hand fisting the loose fabric of his shirt on my back. His lips are cool and his tongue is warm as it slips into my mouth. Despite the chaos that just occurred in my small room, I feel calm. I somehow know it is the calm before the storm but right now Hardin is my anchor. I just pray that he doesn't pull me under.

~~
so I have covid!
It's the worst but I'm taking advantage of the fact that I have nothing to do and I'm writing. *cue clapping*
I am currently sitting in a make shift steam room cause it helps with like congestion or whatever. My parents stand by steam like if i say i'm sick they always respond with "go do steam"
honestly it's great way to start off 2022 so hopefully i won't get it again. so y'all stay safe cause this is the worst.