I was going to change into jeans before going to Canal Street Tavern but I decide against it. I like the way I feel in my yellow dress. I pull a cardigan over it and almost wear tights underneath to mask my legs from the cold January air but I put them back. I have come a long way fashion-wise since my first month at WSU. I won't ever be a trendsetter but I don't dress the way that I used to. I'm right in the middle of my old style and the normal nineteen year old style.

The moment Karen leaves to take Landon to the airport I instantly feel it. I feel the loneliness creeping in but I have to ignore it. I have to. I am fine by myself. After re-lining my eyes I walk downstairs to get a glass of water before I leave to meet everyone at Canal Street.

Ken is leaning against the kitchen counter tearing back the foil wrapper on a light blue frosted cupcake.

"Hey Tessa." He smiles, taking a small bite.

"Grab one." He says to me and I do just that.

"Cupcakes are good for the soul." My grandmother used to tell me. If I need anything, it's something for my soul.

"Thank you." I smile before licking a strip across the top.

"Don't thank me, thank Karen."

"I will." This cupcake tastes incredible. Maybe it's because I have barely eaten in the last nine days, or maybe it's because cupcakes truly are good for the soul, regardless of the reason I finish it in less than two minutes.

"Are you going somewhere?" Ken asks.

"Yeah, I'm going to watch ..someone I know play with his band." I have no idea why I just lied to Ken and I instantly feel terrible but I can't backtrack now and admit that I just lied.

I didn't lie, I just didn't tell him. There's a difference. Right?

Ken is the chancellor at the college, he is literally the highest person in charge at this campus so he's technically Professor Soto's boss but there is nothing wrong with going to watch his band play so I should have just told him. But I didn't. I'm overthinking this.

"That's fun. I was in a band once." He tells me.

"You were?" I gape, for a moment I look next to me and expect a sarcastic comment from Hardin.

The pain is still present, steady as my heartbeat but it is no longer overtaking me, no longer pulling me under.

"Yeah, back in college. Christian and I, along with a few of our other friends formed a band. We only lasted for a week, no one liked our style I suppose." He laughs and I smile at the thought of Ken and Christian in a band, it doesn't seem possible.

"Your style?" I ask.

"We were sort cheesy and dorky." He laughs before taking a drink of milk to wash down the cake.

"You?" I tease and he laughs again.

I almost join him in laughter but I can't. I don't have it in me to laugh. I feel as if I may never laugh again.

"I hope you have a nice time tonight, you deserve to." Hardin's father tells me.

"Thank you, I really hope so too."

"It will get easier, and you will find someone that is capable of loving another person besides themselves." He speaks and my stomach churns.

I don't want to back track, I want to move forward.

"I treated Hardin's mum terribly. I know I did, I would leave for days at a time, I would lie, I would drink until I couldn't see straight. If it weren't for Christian I don't know how Anne and Hardin would have even made it through..."

I remember my anger towards Ken when I heard the origin of Hardin's nightmares. I remember wanting to slap him right across his face for ever letting anything hurt Hardin in that way, so when he says this it stirs my stored anger.

"I will never be able to take any of that back no matter how hard I wish that I could. I wasn't good for her and I knew it. She was too good for me and I knew that too, so did everyone else. Now she has Robin who I know will treat her the way she deserves to be treated. There is a Robin for you too, I know it." He tells me.

"My son hopefully will be lucky enough to find his Karen later in life when he grows and stops fighting everything and everyone along the way."

At the mention of Hardin with 'his Karen' I swallow and look away, I don't want to imagine Hardin with anyone else. It's way too soon. I do wish that for him though, I would never wish for him to be alone for the rest of his life. I just hope he finds someone who he loves as much as Ken loves Karen so that he can have a second chance to love someone more than he loved me.

"I hope he does too." I finally say.

"I'm sorry that he hasn't contacted you." Ken says quietly.

"It's okay.. I stopped expecting it a few days ago."

"Anyway, I better get upstairs to my office I have some phone calls to make." I'm glad he's excusing himself before we get any deeper into the conversation. I don't want to talk about Hardin anymore.

"Be careful tonight and if you need anything give us a call." He smiles before walking out of the kitchen.

I close my eyes and take a few breaths but it doesn't calm my racing mind so I reach for my phone and dig my headphones out of the pockets of my sweater. The Fray blasts through the small buds and I am calm by the chorus and I check my text messages while I walk upstairs to grab my purse.

*Tristan's sick we can't come, sorry babe!* Steph sent.

Great. I hope Zed and Nate can come. Maybe they will bring other people too so I am not the only girl, just not Molly I hope.

*Can you still come tonight?* I send to Zed and wait for a reply.

"I will be your guardian when all is crumbling, I'll steady your hand.." The lyrics pour into my ears and I skip the rest of the song.

*Yea, can I catch a ride with you? Truck won't start* Zed replies.

I text him back and tell him that's fine and I will be there at six. It's five thirty now so I may as well make my way to Zed's place. If he needs to ride with me does that mean it will only be him and I tonight? I'm not sure how I feel about that but I don't want to overthink it, the way I do with every aspect of my life.

When I pull up in front of Zed's apartment building he is waiting outside with a cigarette behind his ear.

"You smoke?" I ask and crinkle my nose.

He seems puzzled as he climbs into my small car.

"Oh, yeah. Well sometimes, I haven't smoked in a while but I found this one in my room."

"So not only do you plan to smoke, you plan to smoke an old cigarette?"

"I guess so. You don't like cigarettes?"

"No, not at all. But hey, if you want to smoke you can. Well, not in my car obviously." I tell him.

His fingers move to the door and he presses one of the small buttons. When the window is half down he takes the cigarette from behind his ear and tosses it out the window.

"Then I won't smoke." He smiles and rolls it back up.

As much as I despise smoking I have to admit there was something about the way he looked with his hair styled nearly straight up, his dark sunglasses, and leather jacket that made that cigarette look stylish.

"Nate isn't coming?" I ask him and pull out of the parking lot.

"Nah, he has a date or something. What about Steph? I heard Tristan's sick or something?"

"Yeah, they aren't coming."

"Is that okay with you? I mean.. that it's just us?"

I think about his question for a moment, is it okay with me? It is. Should it be okay with me?

"Yeah, it's okay." I answer and he smiles.

"You sure because if not that's fine, I don't want you to feel like.."

"It's fine, it really is." I assure him.

"So what time does it start seven?" Zed asks me.

"Nine." I inform him.

"Nine? Why'd you come so early?"

"I don't know.. I just didn't want to sit in the house. I'm sorry." I tell him.

"Don't apologize, it's cool. You hungry?"

"A little."

"Do you want to get dinner or something?"

"Sure. We do have two hours and forty five minutes to kill." I smile, glad that he isn't annoyed with me for picking him up so early.

"Where do you want to go, you're the driver." He asks me.

"I don't know.. what's close?"

"Applebee's?"

"I've never been there." It was Noah's favorite restaurant and he always talked about how great the food was but I never went out to eat much.

"What do you mean you've never been there? Everyone has been there."

"Not me." I smile and stop at the red light.

"Well we have to go then because you'll love it. It's my favorite place to eat." Zed tells me.

"Well it's settled then."

He gives me directions, well he attempts to. He is terrible with directions and we have to turn around a few times before we finally see the big apple shaped sign just after seven.

Hardin's POV.

"Here you go." My mum says when she walks into my old bedroom.

She hands me a small porcelain cup on a saucer and I sit up from the bed.

"What is it?" I ask, my voice hoarse.

"Warm milk and honey. Remember when you were little and I used to make it when you were sick?" She asks as I take a sip.

"Yeah."

"She will forgive you Hardin." She tells me and I close my eyes.

I finally moved on from sobbing to dry heaving to numbness. That's all it is, is numb.

"I don't think so.."

"She will, I saw the way she looked at you. She forgave you for much worse remember?" She brushes the matted hair away from my forehead and I don't flinch away for once.

"I know but this time isn't like that mum. I ruined everything that I spent months building with her."

"She loves you."

"I can't do it anymore, I can't. I can't be who she wants me to be. I always fuck everything up. That's who I am and always will be, the guy who fucks everything up."

"That's not true and I happen to know you are exactly what she wants."

"I know you are only trying to help but please.. just stop mum." The cup shakes in my hand and I nearly drop it.

"So what then? You are just going to let her go and move on?" I sit the cup down on the side table before answering.

"No, I couldn't move on if I wanted to but she has to. I have to let her move on before I do anymore damage." I sigh.

I have to let her end up like Natalie. Happy, happy after everything I did to her. Happy with someone like Elijah.

"Fine Hardin. I don't know what else to say to convince you to step up and apologize." She snaps.

"Just go. Please." I beg.

"I will. But only because I have faith in you that you will do the right thing and fight for her."

The small cup and platter are thrown against the wall and shattered into small pieces as soon as she closes the door behind her.

Tessa's POV.

"It was good huh?" Zed asks after he pays for our dinner.

I offered to split it but he wasn't having it, sort of like Hardin.. Don't go there Tessa.

"Yes, very. It may just be my favorite place now too." I smile.

When we arrive at Canal Street Tavern it's only eight thirty so we take a seat near the front.

"Do you want a drink?" He asks.

"No, thank you though." The last thing I need is to drink right now. I have just come back to sanity today and alcohol makes me too emotional, this would be a terrible mix.

I spot Professor Soto on stage and he waves to Zed and I. He is wearing a light blue shirt and black jeans, I can't get over how young and casual he looks.

"I still think it's weird that your professor is in a band." Zed says, pulling me from my thoughts.

"I do too." I agree with a smile.

"Does anyone else in your class come?"

"I don't know, I would think so but I haven't seen any of them." I have no idea if he invited the rest of the class, or anyone else in the class for that matter.

I'm glad the two of us are making more conversation now. Zed seemed incredibly nervous during dinner and neither of us spoke much, except to praise the delicious food.

Even with the awkward silence at times, I am having a nice time. If I would have stayed home.. well not home, at Landon's house, alone I would be miserable. This is what I should be doing, I am a nineteen year old college student. I should be having fun and going out with my friends.

Is Zed my friend?

I think he is, I don't know what else he could be. We have kissed, a few times actually, but only one of those times wasn't a dare. The kiss was nice, until I moaned Hardin's name into his mouth.

"What?" He says and I blink.

"Nothing." I was just remembering the way your mouth always tastes like cherry vodka sour.

"Okay.." He chuckles and I sit up straight, adjusting my cardigan that has begun to fall from my shoulders.

"How's Rebecca?" I blurt.

"Oh.. uh, she's good."

"She seems..nice." I say, wishing I had a drink now.

"Yeah, she's really nice. We get on really well."

"You guys have already had sex?" I say, way too loud.

"What? Yes..but I meant we get along really well." He looks horrified and I know I wear the same expression.

"Oh. Sorry. I didn't mean to.." I stutter.

"It's okay." He chuckles.

"She thinks you don't like her." Zed adds.

"What? Why does she think that? I'm always nice to her." It's true though, that I don't like her.

I can't put my finger on an exact reason but there is just something about her that I don't like.

"She has this idea in her head that you're a threat to her or something. She really wants you to like her though."

"I do like her." I lie.

"No you don't. I can tell!" He laughs, it's a wonderful sound really.

"Okay! Okay, I don't but I really tried to!" I laugh.

I laugh for the first time in nine days and it feels great. It feels refreshing and I feel free, no longer pains prisoner.

"Well at least she isn't here tonight." He says before correcting himself.

"I mean since you don't like her."

"I will still be nice to her, I won't ever make anything awkward, promise. Where is she again? California?"

"Yeah, she's on a ski trip."

"Oh. Well I hope she's having fun."

"She is, well last time I talked to her she was, it's been a day or so since we've talked but I know she's busy there."

"Yeah, Noah.. my ex boyfriend, his family goes to California every year to ski and he always got terrible reception." I tell him as the music starts.

The Reckless Few's performance is even better tonight than it was the last time. He really should look into making this a full time thing, they could surely do it.

Zed and I leave before he can approach us, I don't want to explain who Zed is or seem like I am easy, hanging out with someone so soon after a breakup. Is this a breakup? It has to be, I have went through the stages of it. The sadness, the crying, the hole in my chest, the vomiting, the phone calls, the hours of staring at the phone waiting for him to call, the prayers that the pain will end, and finally the healing. I am not, and most likely never will be over him, over this, but I can't live in that state of sadness.

"Thanks for inviting me tonight, the music was awesome." Zed shivers and places his hands over the vent to warm them.

"Thanks for coming, I really needed to get out of the house."

"Where are you staying? You don't have to answer."

"It's okay... I'm staying at Landon's house for now but I am going to look at apartments next week. I found a few that I can afford."

"Oh..so you and Hardin are.."

"Yeah, we are."

"For good?"

"I think so." I sigh.

"Does he know this?"

"Yeah, he watched me leave and didn't even try to come after me. He hasn't even tried to call me and he ignored my calls. We haven't spoken in nine days. He knows, he just doesn't care." I bite the inside of my cheek to avoid having a breakdown.

I am past this, past the darkness that threatens to pull me back under.

"I'm really sorry Tessa." I can tell by the sympathy in his eyes that he means it.

"Don't be. It's for the best." At least that's what I am telling myself.

"Can I ask you something?" I break the silence a few minutes later when we pull up to his apartment building.

"Yeah sure."

"What do you think would have happened if you would have won?" I finally ask the question that I have always wanted to.

"I don't know, I've thought about that a lot."

"You have?" I turn to look at him and his caramel eyes meet mine.

"Of course I have."

"What did you come up with?" I tuck my hair behind my ear, waiting for his answer.

"Well..I know I would've told you about it before I let it get that far. I always wanted to tell you. Every time I saw the two of you together I wanted you to, you have to know that." He gulps.

"I do." I barely whisper and he continues.

"I think that you could have forgiven me since I would have told you first and I think that I would have taken you out on dates, proper dates. Like the movies or something and we would have had fun. You would have smiled and laughed, and I wouldn't have taken advantage of you. And I like to think that you would have eventually fallen for me, the way you did him and when it was right we would have.. and I wouldn't have told anyone. I wouldn't have shown anyone anything or even given them a single detail about it. Hell, I wouldn't have even hung around any of them anymore because I would have wanted to spend every second with you, making you giggle the way you do when you think something is really funny, it's different than your regular laugh. That's how I know when I'm really entertaining you or you're faking it to be polite." He smiles and my heart begins to race.

"And I would have appreciated you and not lied to you. I wouldn't have mocked you behind your back or called you names. I wouldn't have cared about my reputation and.. and.. I think we could have been happy. You could have been happy, all the time, not just sometimes. I would like to think.." I cut him off by grabbing the collar of his jacket and bringing my lips to his.

(Please remember what I said last time about being mean in the comments :) Be mad at the characters, not me:) love you!! xoxo please vote and comment.)