Chapter 170.
Nine days.
Nine days have went by without hearing a single word from Hardin. I didn't think it was possible for me to go a single day without speaking to him, let alone nine. It feels like one hundred honestly but each second hurts less than the prior. It hasn't been easy, not even close to that. Ken made a call to Mr. Vance asking for me to take off until Monday, meaning I would only miss one day anyway. I would have toughed it out, tried my hardest to get through the day without cracking.
I know I am the one who left, the one who walked away but it kills me that he hasn't even tried. I have always given more in the relationship and this was his chance to show me how he truly feels. I guess in a way he is, it's just the opposite of what I had thought and desperately wanted. Needed.
I know that Hardin loves me, I do. However, I also know that if he loves me as much as I thought he does he would have made it a point to show me by now. He said he wasn't going to let this go, but he did. He let it go, and he let me go. The part that scares me the most is that the first week I was walking around completely lost. I was lost without Hardin. Lost without his witty comments. Lost without his crude remarks. Lost without his assurance and his confidence. Lost without the way he would sometimes draw circles on my hand while holding it between his, the way he would kiss me for no reason and smile at me when he thought I wasn't looking. I don't want to be lost without him, I want to be strong. I want my days and nights to be just the same whether I am alone or not. I am beginning to suspect I may always be alone, as dramatic as the thought seems, I wasn't happy with Noah yet Hardin and I didn't work. Maybe I am like my mother in that way, I am better off alone.
I didn't want to be over this way, so cut and dry. I wanted to talk about everything, I wanted him to answer my calls so we could come to some sort of mutual agreement. I just needed space, I needed a break from him to show him that I am not his door mat and that I won't put up with him treating me this way and lying to me repeatedly. It backfired on me because he obviously doesn't care as much as I thought he did. Maybe this was his plan all along.
During the first day I did expect a call, text, or hell I really expected Hardin to come bursting through the door screaming at the top of his lungs and causing a scene while we were sitting in the dining room in silence, no one quite sure what to say to me. When that didn't happen, I lost it. Not crying in the corner, feeling sorry for myself lost it. I mean I lost myself. Every second was lived in anticipation of Hardin coming back to grovel for my forgiveness. I almost gave in that day, I almost went back to the apartment. I was ready to tell him to hell with marriage, I don't care if he lies to me every day and doesn't respect me, as long as he never leaves me. Thankfully, I snapped out of that and had some respect for myself.
Day three was the worst. Day three was when the realization really began to hit me. Day three was when I finally spoke after three days of near silence, only muttering a simple yes or no to Landon or Karen during the previous days. The only sounds that actually came out were a strangled sob and choppy explanation through tears of why my life will be better, easier, without him that even I didn't believe. Day three was when I finally looked in the mirror at my dirty and bruised face, my eyes swollen to the point of barely opening. Day three was when I fell to the floor finally praying to God to make the pain disappear. No one can handle this pain, I told him. Not even me. Day three I called him, I couldn't help myself. I told myself that if he answers we will work it out and both come to a compromise, apologizing profusely and promising to never leave one another again. Instead, I got his voice mail after two rings, proving that he ignored the call.
Day four, I slipped and called him again. This time he had the courtesy to let it ring to voice mail instead of pressing ignore. Day four was when I realized how much more I actually care for him than he does me. Day four was when I spent the entire day in bed reliving the few times he actually told me how he felt about me. I began to realize that most of our relationship and how I portrayed his feelings for me in my mind, was just that, in my mind. I began to realize that while I was thinking we could do this, we could make this work forever, he wasn't thinking about me at all.
This is the day I decide to join the ranks of normal teenagers and had Landon show me how to download music onto my phone. Once I started, I couldn't stop. Over one hundred songs were added and headphones were put in my ears and barely removed for almost twenty four hours and every time I felt weak after that. The music helps a lot. To hear about other people's pain reminds me that I am not the only one to suffer in life. I'm not the only one who loved someone who didn't love them enough to fight for them.
Day five was when I finally showered and attempted to go to class. I got myself back in yoga, hoping that I could handle the memories it would produce. I felt strange walking around in a sea of cheery college students. I used all the energy I had to hope that I wouldn't run into Hardin on campus. I was past the stage of wanting him to call. I managed to drink half of my coffee that morning and Landon told me I was gaining the color back into my cheeks. No one seemed to notice me and that was exactly what I wanted. Professor Soto assigned us to write down our biggest fears when it comes to life and how they relate to faith and God.
"Are you afraid to die?" He asked us.
"Aren't I already?" I answered silently.
Day six was a Tuesday. I began to speak in sentences, broken sentences that usually didn't relate to the subject at hand but no one had the heart to call me out on it. I returned to Vance, Kimberly couldn't meet my eyes for the first part of the day but finally attempted to have a conversation which I couldn't bring myself to participate in. She mentioned a dinner and I remind myself to ask her again when I can think straight. The day was spent staring at the first page of a manuscript that no matter how many times I read and re-read the first page, it wouldn't soak in. I ate this day, more than rice or a banana like the days before. Karen made a ham, I only noticed because it reminded me she made one for the dinner Hardin and I had here in the beginning. The images from that night, the picture of him sitting next to me and holding my hand under the table send me back into my tragic state, making me spend the night in the bathroom vomiting up the small bit of food I consumed.
Day seven my car was ready to be picked up. I signed a few pages and was handed the keys. If I were them I would have been concerned to give car keys to the zombie girl with matted hair on top of her head and a ratty t-shirt from the drawer in her lovers old bedroom that he never spent time in.
As Landon followed me out of the mechanic's parking lot I began to imagine what would have happened if I had been hurt worse in the accident. If I had died perhaps..wouldn't that have been easier? The thought terrified me, not of my death but that my mind was capable of going to such a dark place. That thought snapped me out of my downward spiral and brought me to the closest thing to reality my mind can handle. I changed my shirt and vowed to never step foot in that bedroom again, no matter what happens. I began to look up apartments that I can afford close to Vance and online classes at WSU. I enjoy academics too much to close myself off and take online classes so I decided against it, but I found a few apartments to look into.
Day eight I smiled, briefly, but everyone noticed. day eight was the first morning that I grabbed my usual donut and coffee when I arrived at Vance. I kept it down and even went back for more. I saw Trevor that day, he told me I looked beautiful despite my wrinkled clothes and hollow eyes. Day eight was the shift, day eight was the first day that only half of my time was spent wishing that things had went differently between Hardin and I. I heard Ken and Karen discussing Hardin's birthday in a few days and I was surprised to only feel a slight burn in my chest at the sound of his name.
Day nine is today.
'I'll be downstairs!" Landon calls through the door of 'my' bedroom.
No one has made a point to discuss or even mention me leaving or where I will go after. I am grateful for it but at the same time I have no idea where to go and my presence will eventually be a burden. Landon keeps assuring me that I can stay as long as I need to and Karen reminds me how much she enjoys my company multiple times a day, but at the end of the day, they are Hardin's family. I want to make a move forward, decide where I should go and where I should live and I am no longer afraid.
I can not, and refuse to, spend another day crying over a boy with tattoos who doesn't love me anymore.
When I meet Landon downstairs he is taking a large bite of a bagel, a dab of cream cheese rests in the corner of his mouth and his tongue darts out to retrieve it.
"Morning." He smiles, his cheek full and eyes wide.
"Morning." I repeat and pour a glass of water.
He continues to stare at me while I sip my water.
"What?" I finally ask him.
"You.. well.. you look beautiful." He says.
"Thank you, I decided to shower and come back from the dead." I joke and he smiles slowly as if he's unsure of my mental state.
"Really, it's fine." I assure him and he takes another bite of his bagel, finishing it.
I decide to put one in the toaster for myself and try not to notice Landon staring at me like I am an animal in a zoo.
"I'm ready when you are." I tell him after finishing my breakfast.
"Tessa you look so gorgeous today!" Karen praises when she enters the kitchen.
"Thank you." I smile at her.
Today's the first day that I have taken the time to get ready, really ready and presentable. The last eight days I have gone far away from my usual neat appearance. Today I feel like myself. My new self. My After Hardin-self. Day nine is my day.
"That dress is flattering." She compliments again.
The yellow dress that Anne got me for Christmas fits well and it's very casual. I'm not going to make the same mistake as last time and attempt to wear heels to classes so I wear my toms of course. Half of my hair is pinned back away from my face with a few loose curls tapered over my face. My makeup I subtle but flattering as well. My eyes burned slightly as I drug the brown liner underneath my eye, makeup surely wasn't on my list of priorities during my spiral.
"Thank you so much." I smile again.
"Do you need me to do anything before we go?" I ask Karen and she shakes her head.
"No dear, just have a great day." She smiles, clearly surprised but very pleased at my return to the real world.
This must be what it's like to have a caring mother, someone to send you off to school with kind and encouraging words. Unlike my mother's, "Your hair is a bit sloppy, you need to iron that dress Theresa."
My mother, I have dodged all calls from her and thankfully so. She was the last person I wanted to speak to but now that I can breath without wanting to rip my heart from my chest, I actually want to call her. She was tolerable, if not actually pleasant the day I saw her, nine days ago.
"Oh Tessa, will you be riding with us to Christian's house on Sunday?" Karen asks just as I reach the door.
"Sunday?"
"The dinner they are having to celebrate their move to Seattle?" She tells me as if I should know what she is talking about.
"Kimberly said she told you about it? If you don't want to come I know they will understand." She assures me.
"No, no. I want to go. I will ride with you." I smile.
I am ready for this. I can be in public in a social setting without cracking. My subconscious is mute for the first time in nine days and I thank her before following Landon outside.
The weather mirrors my mood, sunny and somewhat warm for the end of January.
"Are you going on Sunday?" I ask him once we get in the car.
"No, I'm leaving tonight remember?" He replies.
"What?"
"I'm going to New York for the weekend, Dakota is moving in her apartment there. I told you a few days ago."
"I'm so sorry, I should have paid more attention to you instead of making it all about me." I tell him and mean it.
I can't believe how selfish I have been to not even pay attention to him telling me about Dakota's move to New York.
"No, its okay. I only briefly mentioned it anyway, I didn't want to rub it in your face when you were... well you know."
"A zombie?" I finish for him.
"Yes, a very scary zombie." He jokes and I smile for the fifth time in nine days. It feels nice.
"When will you be back?" I ask Landon.
"Monday morning, I will miss religion but I'll be there right after."
"Wow, that is exciting. New York will be incredible." I would love to escape, to get our of here for a while.
"I was worried to go and leave you here." He tells me and guilt fills me.
"Don't be! You already do way too much for me, it's time I do things for myself. I don't want you to ever think about not doing something for yourself because of me. I'm so sorry that I made you feel that way." I tell him.
"It's not your fault, it's his." He reminds me and I nod.
My headphones go back into my ears and Landon smiles.
"You look like an actual college student." He told me on day seven when I walked down to get some water with music blasting in my ears.
In religion Professor Soto chooses the subject of pain. For a moment I swear he did it on my behalf, to torture me, but when I begin to write about how pain can cause people to turn to or away from their faith and God, I am thankful for his torture. My entry ends up being filled with how pain can change you, how pain can make you much stronger and in the end you don't need faith as much. You need yourself. You need to be strong and not allow pain to push you or pull you into anything.
"Ms. Young?" My professor calls my name as I pack my things to leave.
Landon watches carefully as I approach his desk.
"I'm glad you decided to join us today." He smiles.
So he had noticed my lack of participation in everyday life.
"Yeah, I had enough of solitary." I reply.
"I'm glad to hear it, there is no good that can come from solitary." He reaches for his tie and loosens it, tugging the checkered print and my mind travels to him in loose jeans while singing on a small stage.
"Anyway, we are playing again tonight if you want to come out and bring your friends."
I take a second to think over my response. My friends are Hardin's friends so they most likely won't come and Landon is leaving right after classes today.
"Sure. I will come. I don't know how many friends I can bring but I would love to come." I finally answer.
If I'm going to go to that dinner on Sunday, I need to refresh my memory on how to behave in social settings, not that that has ever been a comfortable place for me.
"Great! I will see you tonight." He beams and I walk back to Landon.
"What did he want?" Landon asks.
"He invited me back to Canal Street." I tell him, slinging my bag over my shoulder.
"Tessa.."
"I will be fine."
"I don't think you should go alone, it's so inappropriate."
"I'm going to ask Steph to come." I tell him and take out my phone to do just that.
I end up going to back to the coffee house before yoga in hopes to acquire more energy. On my way back to yoga I pass the environmental studies building and my mind goes to Zed. I wonder if he's in there now? I assume he will be but I don't have a clue about his schedule.
Before I can over think it, I go inside. I have a little time before my class begins and it's less than a five minute walk from here.
I look around the large lobby of the building. Just like I had expected large trees fill most of the room, and sticking to the theme, the ceiling is constructed of sky lights giving the appearance that the ceiling is none existent.
"Tessa?" I hear him.
When I turn to look at him he is wearing a lab coat and has thick safety goggles on top of his head, pushing his hair back.
"Hey.."
"What are you doing in here? Did you change your major?" He smiles.
I adore the way his tongue hides behind his teeth when he smiles, I always have.
"I was looking for you actually."
"You were?" He seems astounded.
"Yeah, I was wondering if you wanted to go to Canal Street again tonight. My professor invited me again and like last time, I said I would bring friends." I explain.
"Rebecca can come too of course." I add.
"Yeah, sure I'll come. Rebecca's in California for the week but I'll bring Nate with me or something." He says.
"Cool." I shift back and forth on my toes.
"Cool." He repeats.
"Well, I better go." I say and we both attempt to walk away and end up bumping into each other.
"Sorry." We say in unison before parting ways.
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