When I unfold the paper my eyes widen in surprise. The entirety of the sheet is covered with black scribbles, both front and back. I immediately recognize Hardin's handwriting and examine the page. It's a letter, a hand written letter from Hardin. I am almost afraid to read it but I know that I must.

Tess,

Since I am not good with words, I may have stolen some from Darcy whom you fancy so much.

I write without any intention of paining you, or humbling myself, by dwelling on wishes which, for the happiness of both, cannot be too soon forgotten: and the effort which the formation and the perusal of this letter must occasion, should have been spared had not my character required it to be written and read. You must, therefore, pardon the freedom with which I demand your attention; your feelings, I know, will bestow it unwillingly, but I demand it of your justice. ..

I know that I have done so many fucked up things to you and I in no way deserve you but I am asking, no begging you to please look past the things that I have done. I know I ask too much of you, always and I am sorry for that. If I could take it all back I would. I know you are angry and disappointed by my actions and that kills me. Instead of making excuses for the way I am, I am going to tell you about me, the me that you never knew. I am going to start with the shit I remember, I am sure there is more but I swear not to purposely hide anything else from you from this day forth. When I was around nine, I stole my neighbors bike and broke the wheel, then lied about it. That same year I threw a baseball through the living room window and lied about it.  My father left shortly after and I was glad when he did. I didn't have many friends because I was an asshole. I picked on kids in my year, a lot. Every day basically. I was a dick to my mum, that was the last year I told her I love her. The teasing and being a dick to everyone continued until now, so I can't name all the times but just know it was a lot. Around thirteen me and some friends broke into the drug store down the road from my house and stole a bunch of random shit, I don't know why we did it but when one of my friends got caught I threatened him to take the blame for it and he did. I smoked my first cigarette when I was thirteen, it tasted like shit and I coughed for ten minutes, I never smoked again until I started smoking pot but I will get to that soon.  When I was fourteen I lost my virginity to my friend Mark's older sister. She was a whore and seventeen at the time, it was an awkward experience but I liked it. She slept with all of our friends, not just me. After I had sex the first time I didn't do it again until months later and then I kept doing after that. I would hook up with random girls at parties, I always lied about my age and the girls were easy. None of them cared about me, and I didn't give a fuck about them. I started smoking pot this same year and did it often. I started drinking around this time, me and my friends would steal liquor from their parents or from that same drug store that I mentioned already. I started fighting a lot too. I got my ass beat a few times but most of the time I won. I was always pissed off, always, and it felt good to hurt someone else. I would pick fights with people all the time for fun. The worst one was this boy named Tucker who came from a poor family, he wore the oldest rattiest clothes and I fucking tortured him for it. I would mark on his shirt with a pen just to prove how many times he wore it without washing it. Fucked up, I know. So anyway, one day I saw him walking and I knocked him in the shoulder just to be dick, he got angry and called me a dick so I beat the shit out of him. His nose was broken and his mum couldn't afford to even have him see a doctor, I still kept fucking with him afterwards. A few months later his mum died and he went into a foster home, a rich one luckily and he drove by me one day, it was my sixteenth birthday and he was in a brand new car. I was pissed at the time and wanted to find him just to break his nose again but now that I think about it I am happy for him. I will skip the rest of my sixteenth year because all I did was drink, get high, and fight. Actually that goes for seventeen too. I keyed a few cars, busted some windows as well. When I was eighteen is when I met James, he was cool because he didn't give a fuck about anything, like me. We drank every day, our group. I would come home drunk every night and I would puke on the floor and my mum would have to clean it up. I would break something new almost every night.. We had our own little gang of friends and no one fucked with us. They knew better. The games started, the one's I told you about, and you know what happened with Natalie. That was the worst I swear.I know you are disgusted by me not caring about what happened to her. I don't know why I didn't care but I didn't. Just now, when I was driving here to this empty hotel room I was thinking about Natalie. I still don't feel as bad as I should but I was thinking, what if someone did that to you? I nearly had to pull over to get sick even thinking about you being in Natalie's place. I was wrong, so wrong for doing that to her. One of the other girl's named Melissa got attached to me as well but nothing came of it. She was obnoxious and loud. I told everyone that she had hygiene problems, down there... so everyone gave her shit about it and she never bothered me again. I got arrested once for being drunk in public and my mum was pissed, she left me there all night. Then when everyone found out about the Natalie shit she had enough. I threw a fit when she mentioned sending me to America , I didn't want to leave my life back home no matter how fucked up it was, I was. But when I beat the shit out of someone in front of a crowd during a festival, she was done. I applied for WSU and got in. When I got here to America I fucking hated it. I hated everything. I was so pissed that I had to be near my father so I rebelled even further drinking and partying all the time. I met Steph first, I hooked up with her at a party and she introduced me.to the rest of her friends. Nate and I hit it off the best. Dan and Jace were dicks, Jace was the worst. You already know about Dan's sister so I will skip that. There were a few girls that I fucked since then but not as many as you think. I did sleep with Molly once after we kissed but the only reason I did it was because I couldn't stop thinking about you. I couldn't get you out of my head Tess. I kept thinking it was you the entire time, I had hoped that would help but it didn't. I knew it wasn't you, you would have been better. I kept telling myself, if I only see Tessa one more time I will realize this is just a ridiculous fascination, nothing more. Purely lust. But every time I saw you I wanted more and more.  I would think of ways to annoy you just so I could hear you say my name. I wanted to know what you were thinking of in class that made you stare at your book with a frown, I wanted to smooth the crease between your brows, I wanted to know what you and Landon whispered about. I wanted to know what you were writing in that damned planner of yours. I actually almost took it from you once, that day when you dropped it and I handed it to you, you probably don't remember but you were wearing a purple shirt and that hideous gray skirt you used to wear almost every other day. After that day in your dorm when I fucked up your notes and kissed you against the wall I was in too deep to stay away. I thought about you constantly. My every thought was consumed by you. I didn't know what it was at first, I didn't know why I had become so obsessed with you. The first night that you stayed the night with me is when I knew, I knew that I loved you. I knew that I would do anything for you. I know that sounds like bullshit now after all that I have put you through but it's true. I swear it.  I found myself daydreaming, me daydreaming.. about the life that I could have with you. I pictured you sitting on the couch with a pen between your teeth and a novel on your lap, your feet on my lap. I don't know why but I couldn't get the image out of my head. it tortured me, wanting you the way that I did and knowing you would never feel the same. I threatened anyone who tried to sit in that seat next to you and Landon to make sure that I could sit there, just to be near you. I would tell myself over and over that I was only doing all of this weird shit to win the bet. I knew that I was lying to myself, I just wasn't ready to admit it. I would do shit, like crazy shit to fuel my obsession with you. I would mark lines in my novels that reminded me of you. Do you want to know the first one? It was,

"He stepped down, trying not to look long at her, as if she were the sun, yet he saw her, like the sun, even without looking."

I knew I loved you when I was highlighting fucking Tolstoy. When I told you I loved you in front of everyone I meant it, I was just too much of a prick to admit it once you dismissed me. The day that you told me you loved me was the first time I felt like there was hope, hope for me. Hope for us. I don't know why I kept hurting you and treating you the way that I did. I won't waste your time with an excuse because I don't have one. All I know is that you make me happy Tess. You love me when you shouldn't and I need you. I have always needed you and always will. When you left me just last week it nearly killed me, I was lost. So completely lost without you. I went on a date with someone last week, I wasn't going to tell you but I can't stand to chance losing you again. I wouldn't even call it a date really. Nothing happened between us, I almost kissed her but I stopped myself. I couldn't kiss her, I couldn't kiss anyone but you. She was boring and nothing compared to you. No one is, no one ever will be. I know it's probably too late for this, especially now that you know all of the fucked up shit I have done. I can only pray that you will love me the same after reading this, if not that's okay. I will understand. I know you can do better than me, I am not romantic, I won't ever write you poetry or sing you a song, I am not even kind. I can not promise that I will not hurt you again, but I can swear that I will love you until the day that I die. I am a terrible person and I don't deserve you but I hope that you will allow me the chance to restore your faith in me. I am sorry for all the pain I have caused you and I understand if you can not forgive me. Sorry this letter wasn't supposed to be this long, I guess I have fucked up more than I thought.

I love you. Always.

Hardin.

I sit and stare at the paper for an unknown amount of time before re-reading it twice. This is not what I expected to read. I had no idea what I expected but this was not it. How can he say he isn't romantic? The charm bracelet on my wrist and this beautiful, somewhat disturbing, but mostly beautiful letter shows how romantic he can be. He even used the first paragraph of Darcy's letter to Elizabeth. Now that I know everything he has done I can't help but love him more. He has done a lot of things that I would never do, terrible things that hurt many people but the thing that matters most to me is that he doesn't do them anymore.  He has just written a long letter to me explaining every discretion that he can remember committing. I know he hasn't always done the right thing, the video is terrible but I can't ignore the amount of effort he has made to show me that he loves me.  I hate to admit it but there is a sort of poetry to him never caring for anyone except me.

I stare at the letter once more and there is a knock at the bedroom door. I fold the page up and put it in the bottom drawer of the dresser.  I do not want Hardin to try to make me throw it away or tear it up now that I have read it.

"Tessa?" Hardin's voice calls from the other side of the door.

"Come in." I walk over to the door to meet him.

"Did you.." He stares at the ground.

"I did.." I reach up and lift his chin to look at me, the way he usually does to me.

"it was stupid... I knew I shouldn't have.." He begins.

"No, it wasn't. It wasn't stupid at all." I move my hand from under his chin but he keeps his red eyes on mine.

"Hardin it was everything that I have been wanting you to say to me for so long."

"I am sorry that I took so long, and that I wrote it down.. It was just easier, I am not good at saying things."

"I know you aren't."

"Did you... do you have anything to say about it? Do you need more time now that you know how fucked up I truly am?"

"You aren't. You were.. you have done a lot of things.. bad things Hardin."

"I know." He frowns and looks at the floor again.

I can't stand to see him feel so bad about himself even though he has done wrong.

"But that doesn't mean you are a bad person. You have done bad things but you aren't a bad person anymore."

"What?" He takes my face between his large hands.

"I said you aren't a bad person Hardin."

"You really think that? Did you read what I wrote?"

"Yes, and the fact that you wrote it proves that you aren't."

"How can you say that? I don't understand, you wanted me to give you space and now you read all that shit and you still say that? I don't understand." The confusion is clear on his perfect face.

"I read it, and now that I know everything that you have done, my mind has not changed."

"Oh.." His eyes become glossy.

The idea of him crying again, especially in front of me pains me. He is obviously not getting what I am trying to say.

"I already made my mind up while you were gone to stay and after reading what you wrote, I want to stay more than ever. I love you Hardin."  I say.

"Really? You're sure?" He smiles.

"Yes. Positive." I assure him.