The drive to my childhood home is familiar and easy, despite the snow falling down. I force myself to let out every scream, literal scream, as in screaming as loud as I possibly can in my small car before I arrive in my hometown.  Screaming is much harder to do than I thought it would be, especially since I don't feel like screaming. I feel like crying and disappearing. I would give anything to rewind my life to my first day of college, I would have taken my mother's advice and changed rooms. My mother was worried about Steph being a bad influence, if only we had both known it was the rude curly haired boy that would be the problem. That he would take everything in me and spin it around, tearing it into tiny pieces and blowing on the pile instead of stitching the pieces back together.

I have only been two hours away this whole time but it feels like I have been much further. I haven't been home since I left, because of Harry. If I wouldn't have broken up with Noah I would have been back many times. I force myself to stop thinking about Noah before I lose it again. My eyes stay focused on the road as I pass Noah's house and pull into my mother's driveway.

When I get to the door I am not sure if I should knock or not, it feels strange to knock but I don't feel comfortable just walking inside either. How has so much changed since I left for college?

I decide to just walk inside and my mother is standing by the brown leather couch in full makeup, a dress and heels. Everything looks the same, clean and perfectly organized. The only difference is that is seems smaller, maybe because I stayed at Ken's house last night. The house is warm and the familiar smell of cinnamon fills my senses. My mother obsesses over wax burners and has one in every room. I take my shoes off at the door, knowing that my mother will not want snow on her polished hard wood floors. The house is small and not the most appealing from the outside but the inside is decorated nicely and she did her best to mask the chaos inside her marriage by adding paint and flowers.

'Would you like some coffee Theresa?" She asks before hugging me. I get my coffee addiction from my mother. 

"Yes please." I say through chattering teeth.

I follow her into the kitchen, unsure how to begin conversation.

"So are you going to tell me what happened?" She asks and sits down at the small kitchen table.

I take a deep breath and a drink of my coffee before answering. "Harry and I broke up."

"Why?" She asks.

"Well, he didn't turn out to be who I thought he was." I say. I wrap my hands around the scolding cup of coffee in an attempt to distract myself from the pain and prepare myself for my mothers response.

"And who did you think he was?"

"Someone who loved me." I am not sure who I thought Harry was.

"And now you don't think he does?"

"No, I know he doesn't"

"What makes you so sure?" She asks cooly.

"Because I trusted him and he betrayed me, in a terrible way." I know I am leaving out the details but I feel the strange need to protect Harry from my mother's judgment. I scold myself for being so stupid, for even considering him when he clearly wouldn't do the same for me.

"Don't you think you should have thought about this before living with him?"

"Yes, I know. Go ahead and tell me how stupid I am, tell me that you told me so." I say.

"I did tell you, I warned you about guys like him. I have dated guys like him before, it never ends well. I am just glad it is over with before it really even began. People make mistakes Tessa, not usually mistakes this big but I am sure he will forgive you." She takes a drink from her mug, leaving a pink lipstick ring.

"Who?"

"Noah of course."

"Just because things didn't work out with Harry doesn't mean I am going to date Noah again." I snap. How does she not get this? I just need to talk to her, for her to comfort me not for her to push me to be with Noah again.

"Why doesn't it? You should be grateful that he is willing to give you another chance."

"What? Why can't you just stop? I don't need to be with anyone right now, especially not Noah." I want to rip my hair out, or hers.

"What do you mean especially not Noah, how can  you say that about him? He has been nothing but great to you since you were kids."

"I know mother, I care about Noah so much. Just not in that way."

"You don't know what you're even talking about." She stands up and pours her coffee down the drain.

"It's not always about love Theresa, its about stability and security."

"I'm only eighteen." I tell her. I don't want to think that I would be with someone without loving them just for the stability. I want to be my own stability and security.

"Almost nineteen and if you don't be careful now no one will want you. Now go fix your makeup because Noah will be here any minute." She announces and walks out of the kitchen.

I should have known better than to come here for comfort. I would have been better off sitting in my car all day. Just as she said Noah arrives less than five minutes later but I don't bother to fix my appearance. Seeing Noah walk into the small kitchen makes me feel even lower than I did moments ago, I didn't think it was possible.

"Hey." He smiles his warm crooked smile.

"Hey." I respond. He walks closer and I stand up to hug him. He is warm and his sweatshirt smells so good, just like I remember.

"Your mom called me." He says,

"I know she did." I try to smile. "I'm sorry that she keeps bringing you into this. I don't know what her problem is."

"I do, she wants you to be happy." He defends.

"Noah.." I warn.

"She just doesn't know what really makes you happy, she just wants it to be me even though its not."

"I'm sorry." I say.

"Tess, stop apologizing. I just want to make sure you are okay." He assures me and hugs me again.

"I'm not." I admit.

"I can tell. Do you want to talk about it?"

"I don't know, are you sure that's okay?" I can't bear to hurt him again by talking about the guy I left him for.

"Yea, I'm sure." He says and pours himself a glass of water before sitting across from me at the table.

"Okay..." I say and tell him basically everything. I leave out all of the details of our sexual experiences, those are private. Well they aren't, but to me they are. I still can't believe that Harry told his friends everything that we did, that is the worst part. Even worse than showing the sheets, its the fact that while he was telling me he loved me he and making love to me he would turn around and tell everyone.

"I knew he was going to hurt you, I just had no idea how bad." Noah says. I can tell how angry he is, it's strange to see because he is usually so calm and collected.

"You are too good for him Tessa, he is scum." He adds.

"I can't believe how stupid I was, I gave up everything for him and now I have nothing. The worst feeling in the world is loving someone who doesn't love you."

"Tell me about it." Noah says and I want to smack myself for saying that to him.

"It's okay." He says and rubs his thumb over my hand.

I wish I did love Noah, I wish I could love him the way I love Harry. I would be much happier with Noah, he would never do something like this to me.

We talk about everything that I have missed since I left, which isn't much. He tells me how he has decided to go San Francisco for college instead of WSU and I am grateful. At least one good thing came out of my hurting him, he has the push he needed to get out of Washington. My mother stays in her room the entire time and by the time Noah leaves it is almost seven. I decide to go out to the backyard to the greenhouse that I spent most of my childhood in. All the plants and flowers are dead and the area is a mess, an exact reflection of myself at the moment.

I have so many things to do, to figure out. I need to find somewhere to live and find a way to get all of my stuff from Harry's apartment. I was seriously considering just leaving everything there but I can't. I have no clothes expect the clothes there and most importantly my books are there. I will have to find a way to get everything when Harry isn't there. I reach into my pocket and turn my phone on, within seconds my inbox is full and the voicemail symbol appears. I ignore the voicemails and quickly scan the messages, only looking at the sender. All except one are from Harry.

*Christian said to tell you to stay home tomorrow, everyone will be leaving at noon anyway so stay home. Let me know if you need anything.xx* Kimberly sent.

Having the day off tomorrow is a huge relief. I am so glad Mr. Vance is such an amazing boss and is being so understanding about this even though he doesn't know what is going on. I love my internship so much, but I am beginning to think I should transfer out of WSU, maybe even leave Washington. The campus isn't big enough to be able to avoid Harry and all of his friends and I don't want the constant reminder of what I had with Harry. Well, what I thought I had with Harry.

By the time I go back inside the house, my hands and face are numb from the cold. My mother is sitting in the chair reading a magazine.

"Can I stay tonight?" I ask her.

"Yea, we will figure out how to get you back into the dorms tomorrow." She says and goes back to her magazine.

My old room is exactly the way that I left it. I pull out sweats and a tshirt from my old dresser and change. I don't bother taking my makeup off before bed, I just want to sleep to escape the pain for a little while.

I force myself to sleep, dreaming of when my life was much better. Before I met Harry.

...

 My phone rings in the middle of the night but I ignore it. I hope Harry can sleep tonight. I wonder if that was all part of his plan, to make that whole thing up to make me feel closer to him. Somehow, I know it wasn't.

The next morning, I leave while my mom is at work. She told me she will call and force them to let me back into the dorms and she assures me it will be a different building, far from my old one.

By the time I get near campus, my mind is racing. I need to get my stuff from that apartment even though I have no where to take it. I will keep it in my car until I figure out where I will be going. I turn the car around and make my way to the apartment before I can change my mind. Harry should be at class anyway and if his car is in the lot, I will leave immediately.

When I get to the apartment I scan the lot for Harry's car, twice just to be sure he isn't here. Once I am sure he isn't, I park my car and hurry through the snowy parking lot to the door. The bottoms of my jeans are soaked and I am freezing when I get to the elevator. I try to think of anything except Harry but it is impossible. I had been so clueless just a week ago, taking this same elevator ride up to our new apartment.

Harry must have really hated me to go to this extreme to ruin my life, to have me move into an apartment with him just so he could win. He must be pretty proud of himself right now for the extent of the pain he has caused me. I don't understand why he keeps trying to get ahold of me, probably just to verify his winning. To remind me how stupid I was, to build his already overflowing ego.

I fumble with my keys before unlocking the door. A new wave, a tidal wave of pain crashes over me nearly knocking me the ground. When will it stop? Or at least decrease? I go straight to the room and grab my bags from the closet, hastily shoving all my clothes inside without folding them. I will fix them later. My eyes flicker to the bedside table. There is now a small frame with the picture of Harry and I before the wedding. We are both smiling and love genuinely happy. Too bad it was all fake. I reach across and grab it, throwing it against the concrete. It shatters into pieces and I reach down to grab the photo, ripping it into as many pieces as I can. I don't realize that I am sobbing until I choke on my own breath.

I grab my books and Harry's copy of Wuthering Heights, he won't miss it and honestly he owes it to me after what he has taken from me.

I stop by the kitchen on my way out and grab a glass of water. I sit down at the table and allow myself a few minutes to pretend that none of this happened. To pretend that Harry will be home from class anytime and smile at me when he walks through the door, that he will tell me he loves me and he missed me all day. He will lift me onto the counter and kiss me with longing and love. The clicking of the door startles me out of my pathetic daydream. I jump to my feet as Harry walks through the door.

"So this is it." He says and looks behind him. What?

My already broken heart shatters again when a brunette in a black sweater dress walks in behind him.

"It's nice." She smiles.

I am frozen as his eyes widen in shock at my standing in the kitchen holding my bags.

"Tess?" He says as if he's not sure if I am actually there.