I sit in my window sill because I hope I'll see him but I don't.

I watch them out there; they're so busy, reminding me of ants. The cool air is beginning to change the colors of the leaves; their multi-colored coats are starting to blend with the trees. I watch their formations, the way they travel like one unit. It would be optimal if I could do that, but I try to envision it, and I can't.

 I've never been able to fall in line, follow the flow, and do what was expected of me. Before I knew the purpose of my genetics, I'd figured the reason my father had sent me away was that I was a lousy soldier.

My brothers were the golden children, the good sons, mainly my eldest brother, who was next to the throne. He was a good 'ant' who could follow orders and make hard calls. I was used to failure, and while I hated disappointing people, I hated how I felt when I honestly tried and came up short even more. 

My body had never done what I wanted it to, and my father felt no reason to help me hone my magic.

Resting my cheek on the glass, it's cool to the touch. I think about falling, sailing to the ground, wondering if it'd hurt and if life would continue to march on without me. I suppose that question had been answered; my family ceased to exist, and the world hardly even spared a glance. It all felt so insignificant.

My mind drifts to Alpha and Adriam's words, and I wonder why it took the most 'evil' man my people knew to help me find some worth in myself. He was my opposite—someone who knew with absolute certainty who he was and his purpose. 

Why was it that the villain of my story had become the first step to my salvation?

Staying away is probably best for all of us, yet when I emerged from the veil, he was the first person I wanted to see.

Beyond it all, I find that I'm left feeling impossibly lonely. My arms wrap around my knees as I bring them to my chest; there were moments when I allowed my mind to go to the dark regions of my subconscious, and I was relieved they were dead. I wouldn't have to watch these beings suffer at the hands of my depraved father. 

But then, I also missed them. I missed the mundane, the nativity of wondering where the punished souls went, and the moments when it felt like I could belong if only I would change just a bit more. Yet, I only needed to dwell there for a moment to remember the misery that came with such an existence, that it was a veil of its own and that those moments were fleeting, that I fit in the mold these lycans had built for me so much better than my role as the 'bastard prince.'

I sniffle and crane my head back, "I miss you." I tell my mother silently. "I'm glad you haven't had to see what I've become, for I don't think we'd get along in this new world." The thought brings a sad laugh to my lips.

My mother never offered me great words of wisdom or guidance; she just loved me unconditionally, and I wonder if that would have extended into freeing our slaves. To give up our vast wealth and march across our country on a tour to free those my father had wronged.

 Would she have come around as I had?

 I allow myself, for the first time since the first few days, to break down for the loss of my previous life. To embrace the loneliness and accept that my death had only been narrowly avoided. The only ones who wanted to save me were those my family had cursed, and I needed to atone for that. 

I have to try, and maybe I can finally start healing from this.

With new gusto, I grab a new set of clothes—simple articles that wouldn't draw attention beyond my prominent hair color. I head down to the servants' quarters and use the showers, which are operated by a pump and much easier than hauling buckets. 

I scrub the grit and grime from my hair and cringe at my sore muscles. The running water feels fantastic on my stiff body, coupled with the near-scalding water. Allowing myself to stand there as long as I can take the heat, I force myself out and buff my hair dry with one of the plush towels. Pulling on my clothes, I set my robes in my room to clean them later. 

I rarely get to look like a civilian, yet I'm finding comfort in this identity more and more.

Heading outside, I glance around first to ensure Adriam isn't around before cautiously approaching the trail to the city, avoiding anyone from the trio and trying to seek Alpha. But everyone seems to be evading me, or they're too busy to talk to the Alpha's servant when I've been nothing but trouble. In the back of my mind, they look like they fear punishment from Sota rather than being put off by my inconvenience. 

 I visit the bakery and nab a loaf of bread, disturbed by the similar notion the city holds. A lycan usually accompanies me, so the civilians who notice my identity steer clear; the streets are surprisingly vacant, and I envision a dragon flying overhead have the people of my city remembering the days of my father. 

They would be none the wiser that I almost died; in their minds, a dragon had appeared from the lake and flown a red-headed man directly to my castle, followed by fire and explosions. Running a hand through my hair, I take a bite of bread with a heavy exhale; it was a wonder they didn't run away from me screaming. 

The sparks flying off the anvil surprised me; I cock my head as I spy a new shop, unable to fathom what had been built without my knowledge. The clinking of metal gets louder and louder until I'm standing in front of the workshop, only to realize they are doing metalworking. 

A blacksmith shop. 

I'm surprised to see some of my people engaging in such physical labor; minimalistic magic users who hadn't lifted a finger to do anything other than a farm in generations were using heavy hammers and forging from steel. They were developing fundamental skills; life would go on beyond my father's rule if I would only let it. 

I blink with each strike of the hammer hitting the anvil, my ears ringing with each impact.

"Prince Nicolas." He greets me with a bow. 

I try not to wince at the noise."Hello. What is it, exactly, that you're doing?" I ask curiously.

"Well, currently, I'm making a knife, Your Highness. Not doing a good job of it, but I haven't been at it long." He laughs; I smile despite my confusion with the idea of knife-making for common citizens.

"That's great. I er- who is doing this? We never had a metal worker in Denza before." I wonder what wolf knows about metalwork, examining their coal forges as the man cranks the handle, causing the flame to roar to life. 

"That gray-haired lycan? Looks a lot younger than he is, tall.. scars?" He suggests, grumbling about the blade's heat as he curses at his forge. "Didn't even know the city had coal forges! Thank you, Your Highness, for providing them."

"Alpha? Is he here?"

 "Did you call me-?" Alpha appears from the rear of the shop, only to hesitate when his eyes meet mine. The sword in his hand lowers, and I shrug half heartedly in a silent apology for my absence. 

Alpha allows an exhale; it would appear we had both been holding our breath. He gives the sword to another man with instructions to finish grinding it to polish, that light gaze never leaving me, and I feel we share the same emotion as he approaches me.

We'd treaded beyond the facade of two men using each other for sex; he had used pack resources to save me, the faint memory of insults spoken to him lingered in the back of my mind, and I had not yet proven those false. Beyond that, I had sought him out from under the veil; we could no longer pretend that what we shared was a simple fancy for each other. 

 We both knew the other was dangerous, yet we felt a draw to each other that I couldn't quite explain.

He smells like coal, foreign since I'm so used to the smell of the woods on him. His skin is tarnished in inky, dark streaks of grit, yet I can sense the exhaustion under it.

"Can we talk-"

"That would be best." Alpha mutters, guarded as I gesture for him to follow. We round the building to the back of the workshop. I slip into one of the alleyways, pressing my back against the cool brick as I wrap my arms around myself. 

 As I come to a halt, I take him in just as he regards me, and when his lips part, I almost will him to kiss me. Alpha curses under his breath, stepping back with a grimace of discomfort.

"You're alive." He sounds relieved, but he keeps his distance. I recognized the look as restraint, cocking my head to the side at the wave of heat emanating from him. 

 "The table worked, the plan worked. You.. saved me."

"Is everyone ok?" Alpha asks with concern, pressing his lips together, his arms crossed over his chest like mine. It was as if he were trying to hold himself together, much as I was at war between what I wanted and what I could allow. 

Everyone else must come first.  

"Yes, for the most part. Victor even got to keep a fang. Hayek's broken his leg, but I didn't figure it would upset you to learn that." My voice is slow; I bite my lower lip; he averts his gaze as I scan over his jaw, down the line of his throat, and rest on his collarbone.

Tension builds in the stirring air between us, his warmth drawing me as my body seeks out the comfort of what is now familiar to me. Ever the professional, he is not my charming 'Randy' today; he boasts an unreadable expression of indifference that I know too well as a front. 

"We should end this." Alpha offers me, with each word strained. "You and I caused this, endangered the pack and each other with something the gods warned us shouldn't be so."

I know it's foolish to expect anything other than dismissal.

Dragging my tongue over my teeth to fight back my disbelief, I can't help the scoff that bubbles to the surface. But my feet won't move, and I can't imagine allowing him to reject me with so little reason. I deserved better; after all I had been through, I deserved more. 

"Cowardly, not really what I pegged you for. Am I to assume you've been here, then? Hiding?" I press, attempting to steady my pounding heart, resenting how much such a statement wounded me. Even covered in grit and soot, he tempted me. The silver of his hair tangled in disorder; I wished to rearrange those messy, loose twists to the tune of my pleasure.

"Seeing me triggered you to fight back against the potion; returning to the castle wasn't an option if you were to be there." His response is short, almost accusing. "I'm not hiding, Nicolas. "

"Right." I wrinkle my nose, "Did you know Adriam is acting without your council?" I welcome anything other than the deadpan expression of a man concealing himself from me. A man who had seen some of my ugliest parts now pulled away as if none mattered—Alpha scowls, unimpressed with my desire to bait him. "I'm only alive because of your people, and now you wish to turn me away? To cast me aside? Why even bother to save me?"

"Saving you has nothing to do with our current situation-" He tells me firmly. 

I cut him off, not convinced. "Do you regret it? Do you wish you'd let me die? Then this would all be over? You could have my damned city, my nation, and march on to your death-"

"Nic." Alpha snaps; he moves as if he would touch me and yet thinks better of it, his hands clenching into fists. "I went against everything I believe in and stand for to find that table. I turned on my own for something that I didn't even understand. If this-" He gestures between us, looming over me as I insist on nearing him, only for him to place his hand on my shoulder to force me at arm's length.

 It's as if my presence were uncomfortable for him. "Don't tell me you've suddenly decided fucking men is not to your taste?" I nearly whisper, unable to hide my disappointment. 

"If this is a test from Odin, then I've failed. To choose lust over my people, my men are questioning their loyalty as they should. They have questions I can't answer, and to put distance between you and me would benefit your cause should they overthrow me. I am a leader on borrowed time and-" 

Shaking my head, I shove his hand off my shoulder. "So it's for my benefit, which is what you'd like me to believe? Can you not give me the decency of the truth? That you wish you had let Haryek have me?"

Grinding his teeth, he snatches my wrist, and I pull roughly against him, grunting as my back hits the cool stone of the building behind me. Magic flashes to my palm, glowing against my fingertips, and to my surprise, he does not shy away. The glow of the ice illuminates against his skin, casting a sheen against his cheekbone and throat. 

"Do not dare question my intent for saving you. I knew the risk, and I chose to take it." It's the first time I've heard him raise his voice, making me flinch as I sink back into my coat. "I'm telling you I don't have a choice in this matter."

 "Odin.. that's one of your damned gods that has you on this death march. To think there is such a thing as fate is laughable, given how hard you push back against our circumstances. If they were to stand against you, it's because you're here in the dark rather than there to confront the obvious coup forming! 

Call it the fates, Verando. Something has drawn us together, and you are running from me because there was no logic in saving me!"

"Fuckin' hell, Nic." Alpha snarls. 

My breath catches as I realize how close he has gotten, yet the vibration of his wolf makes me wish for distance. His body was unstable, blazing under his skin, his hands marking my skin with his harsh grasp. 

"The lack of regret frightens me; I don't know myself when I'm with you. Alpha has.. turned.. on me, yet you continue to push and defy me at every opportunity. None of this is as simple as you claim; my men have every right to unseat me for how I've acted."

Caught off guard by the thought of Alpha siding against me, I release him, and we pant collectively as he backs away to press his back against the stone on the other side of the alley. Only feet from each other, I was trapped with a lycan on the brink. 

"Alpha turned on you," I repeat slowly. "That doesn't make any sense; you said Alpha chose me before you did, so why would he interfere now?"

"The wolf struggles with remorse, with mistakes and false claims. The words you spoke, even though you prevented Haryek from shooting me, you sided with him-"

"I was poisoned!" I shout back, my throat thickening. Cursing under my breath, I pull my coat a little more closely around my body, shuddering at the chill of the breeze. "I get it; it's easier this way, isn't it?"

To fight against the wolf would be like fighting against himself; I couldn't understand how a man could be controlled so entirely by the creature within him, though I supposed it had always been that way for werewolves and now lycans. I struggled to imagine that it wasn't his own bias, that this wasn't a convenient way to break away from me, and it hurt even more that I couldn't quite shake the itch I had for him.

I had never cared for a suitor to leave before; men were fickle; they came and went with their perversion, and I loathed myself for feeling any sorrow at this man's exit from my life. We hardly knew each other, but his pull over me ached like a bruise at the thought of turning away.

"Like hell is it easier." Alpha murmurs, taking inventory of every inch of me, "To see you back away from me, to know that at any moment, a beast that I can't control could rip out of my body and kill you? Even being this close to you is excruciating, yet I can't force my own damned feet to move because of something I can't even begin to explain. A bullet would be easier, Nicolas. 

This will keep everyone safe until my pack deems otherwise. You might not believe in the gods, but I can't help but feel this is punishment."

A laugh leaves my throat, shaking my head once more as I come to terms with the fact that it took a murderous warlord for me to find a man who would admit he had feelings for me. "So many emotions," I mutter, dragging my fingers through my hair. 

I can't. I can't absorb this. 

I knew it would end, but to end in such a dissatisfying way was unacceptable. "I can't believe you are giving up."

"What choice do I have, Nicolas?" Alpha turns it on me, his tone harsh. "I don't want to hurt you." 

With a flick of my hand, his wrists flew over his head, forming an ice cuff around them to secure him to the wall. While I see the moment of fear in his eyes, I also note how much I affect him as I cross the short space to stand before him. My palms hovered over his chest, my fingers skirting over the blazing pectoral muscles; I knew if I could find a way past this barrier, he would see reason.

"I think you'll find I'm more than capable of defending myself." I remind him, frowning at the thin layer of sweat forming over his skin. "And right now... I'm hurting you."

When I glance up, his restraint causes him to tremble, and seeing him so out of control disturbed me more than I'd like to admit. 

"You need to go. Right now." Alpha manages, flinching at the ice cuffs, which start to crack. "Nicolas, if Alpha gets ahold of you, he will kill you."

My face pales, I stretch onto my toes, hardly able to reach as I press my lips against his. "This is not me giving up." I remind him, gasping as the cuffs crack, and I narrowly escape his grasp. Alpha falls to his hands and knees, crying out in agony as I run from the alleyway. 

The silver beast lurches out of the small space, narrowly avoiding me as I throw ice across the ground and cause him to slip. With a yelp, he guards his shoulder, snapping his jaws at my feet as I bolt down the back street. 

Why had I done that? Why did I provoke him?

I can hear the paws gaining, counting the strides as he nears me; I wheel around and lift my palms in defense. Would I have it in me to kill him before he killed me? Could I do what I'd been planning to do?

The jaws snap shut, and I hear a yelp, only to realize those fangs had sunk into Swift's shoulder. Fleet bumps me with his nose, lowering himself in front of me.

"Get on." He barks as I scramble to climb onto the wolf's back.

"Get him back home," Swift says through clenched teeth as Alpha shoves past him to get to me. I blow him back with a gust of wind, and Swift sweeps his bad shoulder, knocking him to the ground. 

The snarl that follows makes the twin look like he regrets his decisions.

"He'll change back soon, Swift. Don't get caught." Fleet bolts, leaving his brother behind to act as the only line of defense to keep the silver wolf from following us, and I feel as though I single-handedly provoked him into such a change. 

"I'm.. I'm sorry." That is all I can manage, looking over my shoulder as the city begins to shrink around us. He was heading back towards the castle but taking a less obvious route, perhaps to throw Alpha off our scent. "Will he follow us?"

"I hope not, Swift pissed him off, and Alpha holds a grudge. I'm sure he'll be chasing my brother for quite some time."

"I was hoping he would change back," I mutter as if somehow that might help my defense. 

In silence, we bound across the cobblestones until his paws hit the packed earth of the track that would take us home; he never offered to slow despite leaving the brutal snarling behind. "Alpha has never had great control over his wolf, but these past two days, he's been on a hair-trigger."

I say nothing, racking my brain for the answers as to what in me made me want to torment the man. I shut my eyes tightly, focusing on balancing myself, and before long, I feel him start to slow. When I open my eyes, I see Sota standing before me, Swift almost looks apologetic as I slide off his back and the white haired man dismisses him. 

"I'll be ok." I reassure him, though I'm not sure it's for my benefit that he looks so conflicted. As the wolf departs, Sota clears his throat; I tilt my chin up in defiance while waiting for him to speak. 

"Did you see him?" Sota asks, his voice stern.

"I did. He tried to kill me." I admit. "Alpha is displeased with my behavior, it would seem. "

"Was it Verando or Alpha?" Sota raises an eyebrow.

"Alpha." I sigh, shaking my head as I move to push past him. "So go yell at him, making him train. Do what you need to do, but fix this, Sota. We can't let him get overthrown."

With a chuckle, the large hand grabs my bicep, halting me before I can pass him. I jerk away, cursing in my mother tongue, and Sota shakes the frost off his fingers. "Oh I think I have an idea on how to fix this, but it's going to involve your spoiled self. How badly do you want him fixed?"