(Nic's POV)

The whole concept still feels so strange to me.

I can feel the judgment of the higher ranks within the rebellion as we walk through the street. In their eyes, I'd done what had been expected of me; I'd knelt to a higher power than my own. 

Glancing at Haryek, I frowned. 

I could feel it in my chest that I loved him, yet he wished for that to be kept a secret. An entire portion of our lives together was vacant, an empty void of voices and nothing more. The familiarity of this emotional connection would surely come from years of companionship, yet I could remember nothing.

Visions of our one night together flicker before my mind, I stabilize myself, pressing my palm to my temple as I try and make sense of the jumbled emotions. There's a veil over the memory, shimmering as my body reacts to the thought, yet it feels incomplete. I shake my head, focusing on the object of my obsession as Haryek explains to the Chief of Police that I'd be removing the order to force him from these homes.

"What do we tell the civilians who used to live here? We rounded them up as Your Highness requested, they're ready to move back into their homes...?" The man asks, looking at me past Haryek as I knead my temple.

"I umm.. send them to the castle." I wave him off, only to hesitate when I spot their looks of concern. "What?"

"The castle where the lycans are? We heard rumor that you ended your lycan alliance...?" 

My lips part, and yet nothing comes out. 

I had?

"Tell the civilians to take in the refugees for a few more nights. We will need the help of the police and our finest men to begin removing the aggressors from the castle," Haryek commands, earning a look of complete shock from the Chief of Police. 

"Excuse me? You want us...?"

"Haryek, we would have to declare another war to get them out of that castle. We have no army," I remind him under my breath; I feel nauseous as I turn my attention to the concerned man. "Tell the civilians they can come home but must house soldiers. They're not going to like it, but it's better than being on the street."

As the officer leaves, I can feel Haryek's eyes on me, and looking up at him is like a dose of morphine to my system. Moving to slip my arm around his, he quickly shakes me off, "Are you out of your mind? Speak with me before you offer such high-value goods! Share their homes? The men will beside themselves; how are they supposed to rest with civilians crowding the streets?" 

The discomfort of disappointing him makes my chest throb. "I just thought-"

Pulling me off to the side, we settle in the alleyway between two homes, and he collects my face in his soft palms. I find myself missing the callouses. "That's the thing, you don't have to think anymore. You just have to stand at my side and look pretty; you're confused and traumatized from your time with the lycans. Don't think, don't speak, just look pretty. Can you do that for me?" 

Each period of his sentence causes me to blink as if he'd lashed me. As my head swims, I lean on him for comfort, sighing as he captures my lips with his own. Yet this kiss feels foreign to me. It lacks depth and meaning, only reminding me that men disliked kissing.

"Not in public, we're making an impression." Haryek insists, straightening as we step back onto the street, and I'm left to walk in his shadow.

The conversation lull leads us to the dining hall, and I sit quietly beside the object of my affection. Reminded not to sit too close, I nibble on fruit and avoid any of the meat products; I watch wearily as metalsmiths forge new weapons in the hollowed-out buildings that were once homes. 

Haryek didn't want to give them back because some of these homes were to damaged to ever be returned. My pulse feels weak; I check it with two fingers to my throat, noting the high temperature of my skin that threatens to melt out any attempt at ice. 

What should enrage me only makes me feel exhausted, and I sag down onto my elbow. Weapons. We were going to evict the lycans from my home, and then what? While I could feel the sense of pride and joy that Haryek would defend me and my home, the nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach ceased to end. 

I shoved my plate away, pressing the back of my hand to my lips as I stifled a heave of my stomach. As a prince, I've been taught to conduct myself. I feel like I'm in the middle of war negotiations, not talking to the man I'm so desperately in love with and avoiding eye contact with anyone who might ask me a question I might not know the answer to.

It was as if my youth was on replay before me, the bastard Prince trapped at the adult table where he wasn't wanted. 

They speak about what to do with my land as if I wasn't even there, elf leaders talking amongst themselves as if the lycan horde was already dead and gone. Yet, when my gaze follows the faces of the table, I can see that only those in charge are the ones who are smiling. The men who would be used as fodder, who would be sent into those gates to their deaths, looked as though we were laughing over their graves. 

"What will we do with Alpha once we have a hold of him? How do you plan to capture him." I insist, "Please, I'd truly like to hear your plan of brilliance?" Perhaps hearing it, fresh from his lips, would give me the sense of security I desperately sought.  

"Well, the details are in the works, but I'll have him executed for the murder of your family." He shrugs as he bites an apple. The crisp sound of the bite into the fruit snaps into me, and all over again, I'm watching my father's death. His voice fades into the background as he prattles on about meaningless facts, none of which hold any context in battle.

I see, before me, the wolf, and as the sting of juice runs down Haryek's chin, all I can envision is blood. 

I hear my father laughing. 

Dying.

 My mother screaming and crying.

He takes another bite, and I register that he's talking, but it sounds like I'm underwater. Instinctively, I slip closer to him, wanting the warmth in my chilled form. My body refuses to warm itself, and I feel like a reanimated corpse.

"Nicolas." She's speaking to me, but I know this isn't real, it's simply an illusion of grief.

"Nicolas!" I hear it louder this time; I'm being pulled out of the water. Someone is gasping for air; is someone drowning with me? 

The breathing sounds like a snarl; the wolf is before me, and his fangs are bared. They drip blood. 

Red everywhere. 

He pulls air through his teeth and poises to strike. 

"Nicolas!" Someone yells. 

I blink. Haryek is in front of me, embarrassed by my reaction; I'm floundering like a man who can't hold his liquor, yet I know for a fact I'm not intoxicated. 

"What was that?" he asks. My chest heaves as my body fights for air. "You were completely gone; you looked like you'd seen a ghost." 

"I'm hallucinating," I murmur, shaking my head, hoping to clear it as I pinch the bridge of my nose. It was like I was back on the cusp of purgatory when I touched my father's book. 

"Sorry, gentlemen. You know how the Prince is fond of his wine..." Haryek excuses me, though I make no move to leave, for I'm not sure I could walk away even if I tried. 

Vacant, my hands travel over my body like I might find answers in my shivering form. I don't want to highlight my lack of control; trying to focus on the task at hand, I clear my throat to intrude on the conversation. 

"Execute the man your father failed to contain? The man who killed Lord Darius?  Do you truly believe it will be so simple that you only need to walk in with a sword and ask for his head? Haryek, I am fond of my wine, but I'm also growing increasingly fond of my life. I'm just trying to capture your vision?"

"Vision." Haryek chuckles, encouraging a symphony of pitying chuckles behind him, but the enthusiasm had been wavering since my outburst. I was not the same Prince who had come here the day before. I was unwell, and alarm bells were rising within their ranks. "Well, Your Highness, you've found your father's book, haven't you? Crack the earth, rain fire from the sky, burn their lungs. I don't care what you do, but perhaps if you have all the answers, we should look towards you. After all, you were the one who said they couldn't be trusted."

His presence, with his arm around me, brings on a level of sedation that makes me feel uncomfortably drowsy. I wish to sleep; my eyelids droop as I lean into him, despite how I want to fight back on his promise that I would bring them victory. 

"Details, gentlemen, details. We will figure that out tomorrow. Much as I'm enjoying our time together, I think His Highness needs to rest; he seems flushed from the day's stress. Tomorrow, we shall prepare to take back the capitol and end this travesty."

My world begins to brighten; I don't feel quite so nauseous as he pays me this crucial piece of attention, feeding my starved self-esteem. "Come, I think it's time we go to bed. We have a long day in the morning. Send the medic with a sleep aid for His Highness; he needs his rest."

Heavy-footed, I follow him back to his cabin, my arm wrapped around his waist, his around my shoulders; I hesitate at the door. Everything within me wanted me to turn around, reminding me that this was not where I truly belonged, that what had happened today was a nightmare I couldn't find a way out of.

Haryek pauses and offers me a sweet smile, another dose of sedation to my sense. "Coming?"

I close my eyes as my head pounds, thrumming loudly against my aching skull.

"Mhm." My body is at war with itself, fighting with some imaginary beast that keeps pulling me from these segments of numb contentment. Clinging to him, I could plead for relief if I knew what I was asking for. Pressed firmly against the elf, it eases the ache. 

"I love you," I tell him, testing the words, hoping they would hold power to soothe my turmoil. "Did something happen to me? I feel like... I don't know how to describe it. My memory.. I feel as though my head isn't right."

Slipping out of my grasp, he drifts into the kitchen to pour himself a glass of wine; he grabs a bottle off the counter with a snarl to himself in Elvish. "You are certainly making things awkward; it's quite confusing." Offering me the glass tempts me, but I refuse. Haryek shrugs, taking a sip as he reads the label to himself. "Maybe we're not doing enough, you're still fighting me. Should we consummate this victory?" 
  
Fighting him?

Someone who loved me would want me to speak, not sit quietly and meek. "I'm not trying to be difficult," I reassure him, only to sigh at the suggestion. In my current state, sex was the last thing on my mind. "Haryek, I don't think I can." My limbs feel too heavy even to carry me to bed, let alone perform any sort of duty.

Blocking out the disappointment on his face, I seek out the bed as I wriggle out of pieces of my clothes, leaving a trail of fatigue behind me. Grateful for the opportunity, I follow him to bed and watch as he undresses, only to cringe when I see his bruised ribs marring his beautiful skin.

Alpha had kicked him. Defending me.

Everything inside of me twists, throbbing, taking my breath away as I fight for relief. "Does it hurt?" I ask with a frown.

 His expression turns sour, slighted by my rejection, "Only when I breathe."

Feigning humor, I attempt a smile. Surely, he was joking with me? When he's speaking, I feel better; when we're close, I feel almost normal. "Doesn't seem to have slowed you down."

"It is excruciating, Nicolas." Haryek's harsh tone takes me back, returning me firmly to my place.

Haryek loved me; I needed to be kinder to him. "I'm sorry," I breathe.

 His arms curl around me, yet I receive little comfort. There's not enough warmth between us for the chill that overtakes me. Even under the heavy blanket, I'm at the mercy of the cold.

"If you are truly sorry, Nicolas, you will help me access your book tomorrow, and we will remove the scourge that is keeping me from the throne. That would be pleasing to me." 

I surrender to what sleep I can manage; the medic never arrived with the sleeping aid, and my rest is fitful. 

____________________________________________________

In the morning, I feel chilled and wonder if Alpha has gone on his run before sitting up to see Haryek beside me. My stomach sinks, and I almost feel as if I could be sick once more. The headache betrays me; I leap out of bed to rush out the back door of the small cottage. Though there is little to expel, it doesn't stop my body from violently trying.

When I come back inside, I settle for a glass of water. Swishing it in my mouth, I spit in the sink to banish the taste from my lips, followed by a shot of whiskey.

 Haryek stumbles his way into the kitchen. 

 "Don't look at me. I'm feeling a little ill this morning." 

When he first wakes up, he looks more human, despite his ears. Scrutinizing him, I accept his flaws much better than his attributes. My head swims for my obsession with this being, yet my pulse murmurs at a slow roll, the fire inside me seemed to be lacking anything to feed it beyond the embers that kept me alive. 

"Enjoying the view?" Haryek hums, wrapping his arms around me from behind. "You're my muse, baby. I don't care if you're feeling ill; I wish to adore you for today; you will reclaim that castle."

The feeling of his arms around me brings a breath back into this husk of a body; I stare down at my palms, wondering what could cause me to feel so depleted. "Right. Reclaim the castle. I'm going to go get breakfast, maybe visit the medic."

Kissing my cheek, the elf nuzzles my unkept hair, "You're so cute when you walk around like a civilian. Don't dottle; I'd like to arrange a meeting with the generals before lunch."

Leaving Haryek gives me a strange feeling of relief and deep longing. Entering the dining hall once more, I grab a plate of warm pancakes and fruit waiting for me. I instinctively get enough for two, but I make a point to sit by myself.

The heavy hands rest on my shoulders. Instantly, I know better than to suspect it could be Haryek from the weight of the large palms. Tonic sits beside me, and I feel my first true spark of happiness since yesterday. "What're you doing here? Did you not see the posted notice? Haryek wants to ban all lycans. It's not safe for you here."

He chuckles, eyeing my pancakes. I pass him the plate, an apology for what we were about to do. With the vigor of a young boy, he eats the pancakes with great appreciation. 

"I'm not afraid of Haryek or the police force; I have bigger things to worry about."

"Oh, excuse me, Your Highness," I respond sarcastically, leaning my cheek into my palm. "Enjoying Stefan?" I ask hopefully.

 He nods, taking another few bites. His appetite is contagious, and I also take a few bites. My headache feels pity for me and ebbs just enough to be bearable, Tonic offers me a small vile from his pocket as if my vigor had spurred brilliance in him. 

"From.. err.. the medic!" He tells me half-heartedly, offering me a small smile as I down the vile with little consideration for its contents. I wrinkle my nose at the bitter flavor and glance down at the glass. 

"A magic blocker? Are you sabotaging me?" I demand.

"I'm just trying to help you get some rest. Are you truly siding with the rebellion?" He asks me timidly.

I don't know what to say to him; the words form without my permission, yet I can feel the truth within them."The lycans will never accept us as equals, not after all that has happened. I need to reclaim my home to move forward and keep my people safe. You've seen how dangerous these wolves are; what am I supposed to do?" I explain, but it doesn't sound much better than admitting that I'd switched sides. 

 He makes a face and straightens. "But you've lived among us; you know that nobody is working harder than-" Tonic hesitates, letting his shoulders sag as he rests his hands on the table. I take in every inch of his face; he looks so much like Alpha that it hurts, and I'm unsure why it pains me to envision that. 

"Alpha is a good man. I don't want him to die. I need him to... stay.. here.." My body aches for something that I can't place, I want to be away from this place, even if it means leaving Haryek for a short time. Everything in me screams that I must warn the pack that the rebellion is planning to invade my home, that they weren't safe from us, that I couldn't be trusted.

"Stay?" He looks guarded.

"Alpha wants to leave. I can't let him- if he leaves then-" Covering my mouth with my hand, I feel sick, and Tonic quickly rubs my back, offering me some water. 

My consciousness feels like a wave, drifting in and out of reality. I almost wilt; observing my hands, I realize how pale I'd grown, and Tonic grabs my arm to stabilize me. "Nic, you've used a lot of magic; maybe you should go back to Haryek's and lay down for a while?" he offers. 

Without willing it, my eyes drift in the direction of my home, and I will the gray-haired man appear.

We leave the dining hall, his arm around my waist, and instead of the warlord, I see a man who looks just like me. With his deep red hair, we even share the same Roman-style nose. His skin has a deeper complexion than mine, and his eyes are more golden than deep brown; I admire how clean his robes look.

 This solomonari looks alive, while I feel like a walking corpse. I'd turn on my heel and leave if I could, for I know him because we went to school together. 

"Loan?" I ask, attempting to hide my irritation. Tonic looks appalled; as if he weren't supposed to be here.

"Loan, you're early." Tonic's voice is strained.

"Well, when I heard there was another Solomonari around, I had to come and see!" His voice is so smooth; he could almost be attractive if I didn't remember him being such an arrogant ass.

"Did Stefan invite you?" I'm instantly annoyed. It was no mystery to me that Stefan and Loan had entertained each other on a physical level. 

"He thought having more friends would do you some good." Loan gives me his best smile, and I roll my eyes.

"I have plenty of friends."

"C'mon Nicolas," He complains, and I scowl.

As if on cue, Haryek appears, slapping Tonic's hand away from my body as he replaces the man's arm with his own. "Who's this?"

Loan extends his hand. "Loan, I went to school with the Royal Peach here." 

"Don't call me that." I snap. They exchange casual glances, sizing each other up. I feel as though I'm losing connection with my thoughts; they flicker in and out in a disconnect.

"Nicolas, don't be rude to our guest." Haryek scolds, giving me a firm squeeze, only to release my side as he spies the approaching higher ranks. I try not to let it wound me; a man who loved me would have to hide our relationship, no matter the depth of that love. 

"He's not our guest. He came here unannounced, and I feel he should be going. Please, Haryek, I wish to rest. Away from Loan." I insist, my voice hard.

 Tonic quickly grabs me, allowing me to lean on him as he supports me with his arm.

"Same old Nic." Loan shakes his head, and Haryek tsks at my lack of manners. 

"Nicolas, think of the victory we shall have with two solomonari! Those Lycan's don't stand a chance!"

"Ah, so the rumors are true.. this place is overrun by Lycans." Loan frowns, shuddering at the thought.

"Haryek, do something." Tonic hisses, pleading.

My chest begins to heave; I feel like I can't breathe. 

"Do what? What's wrong with him?" He reaches for me, the first hint of uncertainty crossing his expression. 

 The funnel of my vision spirals rapidly; its shapes threaten to mix as my body sways under the weight of my conscious thoughts. Voices swirl, a life I can't remember leading flashing before my eyes, and I'm with another man.

Not Haryek.

I want to push away, to be anywhere but here. "I want to go home, Haryek," It's hardly a whisper.

"We will be there this afternoon, pet. Just get your father's book and-"

Loan gapes, wide-eyed, "What? Lord Darius's book?! Nic has it?"

I shake my head, pressing my hands against him to shove away. "No. I want to go home. Take me home." 

Tonic grabs my arm. "Nicolas, you have to stay here. The alliance is over; you can't go home." 

Somethings not right, I've been poisoned. I can feel it now, tasting it on my tongue as the spell tries desperately to regain control. Blood seeps from my lips, and I reach up to touch my lower lip, inspecting the deep red on my pale fingers. "What... did you do to me... Haryek?" I finally manage to stammer out.

"Uh oh. It looks like this party is about to start early," I hear Loan's voice.

"No, it can't happen now! We are over 16 hours ahead of schedule! – Not even awake!" Tonic's desperation drags me to the surface. 

"Nic!" The words sound like an echo

"Stay awake, Nicolas." I hear Haryek, and I focus on that. "Stay awake."