I force myself to go and have dinner; even though I'm not hungry, my body is pleading for energy. My staff find me, alone in the dining hall, and proceed with their long lost duty of caring for me. Primping, stroking, dusting, my appearance leaves much to be desired and they express their deep concern that I had not agreed to leave.

 They blame themselves, something that makes little sense to me. 

"Oh yes, I promise I'm fine. This is all actually from negotiating with the other side!" I try to show some humor, but they are horrified. It dawns on me that I've been dealing with brutes for far too long; I'm not suitable for polite company anymore, and Haryek might be correct that my people will have a hard time accepting who I've become. "Can I scavenge some dinner?"

Drumming my fingers on the counter top, my focus shifts to my bedroom, and I know where my body wants me to go.

"Make that enough for two," I correct. 

For once, I'm pleased that it's a simple chicken sandwich, for I stand a chance of him actually eating this. As someone who lives outside, he sure is picky about what 'human' food he will touch. The thought makes me shudder as I turn down the sandwich for something more leafy and less 'flesh'. 

My diet grew more and more vegetarian by the day.

Hugging the woman who once was my nanny, I take the plates and depart to try to find my captor.

Thankfully, it doesn't take me long, for he resides in my bedroom. Entering, I shut the door behind me, glad to see that he was awake, perched on the window sill. Alpha no longer feels the need to defend himself from me, he doesn't move, resting his back against the stone wall. I admire the way the dimming light of sunset plays on his collar bone, how his eyes almost appear translucent. 

"You're awake." I try not to sound too surprised. 

"Adriam has me on lockdown until the evening run. He has prescribed a 'break,' though I don't know how restful he believes it is to have me sitting here watching the day progress without me."

The mention of Adriam threatens to lose my appetite as I walk over to sit on the bed, putting the plates down with a heavy exhale of defeat. I'm to tired to reason with him, to beg him through a meal when I have nothing left to convince myself to eat.

"Are you alright?" Alpha asks, not yet looking at me. 

"Not now.. please just eat." I respond, vacant, hollow, my body feels as if it doesn't belong to me.  

Brushing at some of the horse hair on my pants, I wonder if the scent would offend him. "It's hard to conquer the world on an empty stomach."

"I asked if you're alright." Alpha insists, his voice a little louder. 

There will be no escaping, and I can't help but retreat into myself. "Does it matter..?" I retort, defeated, as I cross my legs, picking at my apple. "Does any of it really matter?"

"Of course, it matters—why wouldn't it matter?" He doesn't look at me. We are cautious of each other, and I find myself retreating, wondering why he even bothered to check on me.

 Why were we torturing ourselves? Why the formalities? 

 I had passed on my chance to escape; I didn't do it to come back and remember that I was a political pawn. In fact, I wasn't totally sure why I came back at all. 

"Drop it!" I tell him sternly, "Or I can leave, and let me remind you, there's nothing you can do about it. I'm not on lockdown, I came here on my own choice because I wanted to forget. Isn't that what we do? Use each other to forget? To blow off steam?"

Slowly, he stands, approaching me as if he were afraid I would bolt. The broad man looms over me, yet the weight of his gaze does not threaten to snuff me out. My chest aches; I feel as though I might come apart at the seams, for he appears to be waiting for me to crack. 

 Forcing a smile at him that doesn't touch my eyes, I finally dare to look up. Gingerly, his fingers brushed over my bruises. His hand is hot, an inferno under his skin, and slowly, he closes his fist as he forces himself not to touch me. "That's what you want? Sex?" He speaks through his teeth; I can't handle the tone of disappointment. "That's not what you want."

I feel like I'll break; how would he know what I wanted? How I cope? 

"This is why I don't want to talk about it." I whisper, "I can't stand for you to look at me this way. Adriam already thinks I did it on purpose. Is that what this is? Do you think that I-"

Alpha inhales sharply, and for only a moment, animalistic rage burns in his eyes. Yet, he forces the beast back under the surface because he must see that his expression terrifies me almost as severely as what had nearly occurred in that garden. 

"I'm uncertain how it started or your intentions when you went to him.. but I know how it ended. The way you were looking at him when I pulled him off of you-" Alpha slowly lowers himself to a kneel, "You begged him to let you go; I heard you. Nicolas, I don't believe what was happening is what you wanted."

Like a madman, I laugh, shaking my head, and move to stand. Yet he carefully places his hands on my knees, insisting I stay before him as he tilts his head to meet my gaze. 

Had anyone ever believed me?

"Nic-"

"Stop!" I shout, lifting my hands, wanting space, needing space. "Please stop. Don't do this, don't act as if this is anything but sex because, damn it, I can't take it." Everything in me wants to go to him, to cling to the pyre and convince myself that this man was my savior. But, I knew better to believe in a fairy tale, to let myself be convinced that this person before me would stay when he had no reason to. 

"There won't be anything left of me to put back together after you're done. Please Verando... Alpha.. whoever you are, I can't do this."

With a sob, I push his hands away as he gathers my face, and reluctantly, he concedes. "I'm not going to let him get away with this. I'm not going to stand by while he walks free after forcing himself on you!"

"You're going to leave," I shout, finally. "You're not staying, right? You're going to march with your army to Ziduri. I'm intelligent enough to notice when a race chases death. You don't intend to live through that battle; this is a suicide march, and you know it! You crave it!" I practically spit, "How dare you pretend to care about me."

"I'm not-"

Unable to take it, I put my hand over his mouth, on the verge of hyperventilating, my eyes brimming with tears because I'd never been so relieved to be seen and yet so devastated. Why him, of all people? Why did it have to be this way?

"How could you possibly, after what my father has done to you? Why? Why me? Neither of us has any right to want anything more of this than sex, so why can't we give in to the expectation and move on when it's over? Verando, it will end, it must. What I want from you, right now, is sex."

I watch as he sets his stubbled jaw and runs his fingers roughly through his hair in frustration with the situation as he pushes my hand back down into my lap. Alpha's eyes locked onto my reddened cheek and my bruised throat, his hands closed to the point that his knuckles whitened. "Can I speak?" He finally commands, and I'm unsure I want to hear what he says. 

"I feel as though you'll insist upon it," I mutter, earning what is becoming my favorite look.

"I don't know." The warlord confesses, "I don't know why Alpha picked you, but he did."

"The wolf? You're tormenting me because the wolf likes me?" I demand, sagging my shoulders, moving to stand as he pushes me back down again, his expression menacing, a warning to not be disobedient.

"Yes. The wolf." Verando confirms, considering this for a moment as he smooths out the material of my pants, and for a moment, he almost appears embarrassed. "Just because it will end doesn't mean what happens during our time together is meaningless. If you must, consider it protecting my investment, but it is even simpler than that. He touched what was mine; he hurt you, and for that, it's all I can do to not march back to that city and slaughter him. You think I don't want you? That I'm not fighting every instinct to take you right now?"

There it was again. "Mine."

I'd never heard a man speak so frankly and be so willing to say things I'd only read in stories. I couldn't fathom it. Any way I spun the situation, it didn't make sense, and it would be turning my back on my family even to consider accepting that there could be feelings beyond resentment. A friendship was a slap in the face to the people he killed, yet this was the closest I'd been to happy in as long as I could remember. 

"Mincing words leave things unsaid when they matter the most. There's no room for misunderstandings in war. What would you rather I say?"

Examining every inch of his face, I reach to collect his cheek, trailing my fingers up to brush the silvery strands back into their tangled alignment. "I'd rather you reject me," I tell him bluntly, "It would be easier to stomach than this. This doesn't make sense; this has no business being spoken about between us. What I'd rather you do is give me a memory to replace this one, fulfill your role as the master, and allow me to be the pawn because that is what is the safest for both of us. I want you to take me, to savage me because that's the only way I can cope with this."

Feeling anything for me would give me leverage and the push I needed to secure this alliance, I'm sure, but it would also strip away the last slivers of humanity I held dear. The men I manipulated, the instructors I slept with, none of them dared to feel for me. I worried that caring for me would be the death of him, that I truly would be the one who killed him. 

"You're making a fatal flaw," I murmur, gripping his shirt and pulling him toward me as I focus on his mouth.

Speaking was getting us nowhere, and I needed a release; it was the only way I knew how.

"And here I am, bending to your will." The man before me exhales, seemingly in disbelief, as I bend to kiss him, claiming his mouth, pulling him closer by my hands fisted against the collar of his shirt. 

I shove our plates off the edge of the bed and throw myself at him. My lips meet his, and my jaw protests as I deepen the kiss, tilting my head to gain access to his mouth. 

I'm going to miss him. 

He's not even gone yet; they had no exit date, yet the thought of him leaving makes my chest tighten. We'd hardly known each other for a few months, and he was under my skin worse than any man before him. 

Caught off guard, Alpha had no defense for my mood swings and no ability to reject me. After a long moment, he breaks the kiss, pressing his forehead against mine. We were compatible in more ways than one, yet neither of us was willing to accept that reality. 

A low growl rumbles in his throat, and Alpha curses under his breath; I feel the heat of his body ignite under my fingers. "I'm going to kill him. I know you don't want to hear it, but I intend to finish what I started when we return to the rebellion." 

I rake my teeth over his jaw, knotting my fingers in his hair with a hard pull. "You're not going anywhere," I tell him roughly as he crushes his lips against mine. My nails drag over his chest through his shirt, answered by a frustrated moan as he pushes me back onto the bed; I hook my leg over his hip, coaxing him to me as I arch to kiss him.

 "Promise me you're not going anywhere." The plea comes out before I can stop it; he pants against my lips, brushing his nose against mine as he skirts over my lips with his own. 

 Alpah couldn't do that, nor would he be willing to; no amount of hope would keep him here. It'd be suicide to stay; the pack would turn on him, and I knew that all too well after the ranking ceremony. 

Directing him to my neck, I seal my hand over my mouth as I fight with myself, feeling his stubble against my skin, his teeth grazing my throat as he threatens to devour me.

I savor it, dragging him back to me, tasting him, relishing in an experience I'd only fantasized about. 

Men didn't kiss. 

My fingers move on their own as I trail down to his belt, and he grips my hand, pinning it over my head, only to groan as I grind my hips against him in protest. "You're driving me insane." Alpha mutters, hot against my ear.

"Wait.." I plead, biting my lower lip, struggling to form a coherent thought, impossibly hard against my leggings as I strain against the desire to rush towards my completion. The voice in my head urged me to do more, to take advantage for myself if he was willing to offer it. "I wish to take the lead."

Cocking an eyebrow, I'm met with a look that makes me grin, rolling my eyes at the disapproval. "If you're asking for me to play your role, you will be vastly disappointed-"

Scoffing, I kiss him, dragging my tongue over his lower lip, enticing him back to me. "Don't be absurd. I.. I want to take off my shirt, but you can't touch me..." I tell him, considering his expression as he regards me. "I need for you to lay on your back."

 I pull my pants off, followed by my overshirt, leaving my silk undershirt, hurriedly kissing him as Alpha kicks out of his leggings, surprisingly obedient with the way he lays before me on his back. His hands folded behind his head; seeing him makes my mouth water. 

The idea that this large man was able to fit within me continued to make me question my mental state as I pushed his shirt up to expose his chest and stomach. A work of art before me, I no longer saw the scars, but only the sculpture beneath my fingertips. I began kissing down his abdomen, taking my time, licking, sucking, and biting as I went. The way his chest rises hastily, the way he squirms as I near his waist, I'm shocked at just how turned on I am. 

Finally, when I glance up, to see him gazing at me with desire is enough to be my undoing. Foreplay was never my strong suit, but he had willed me to try, and I kissed the tip of his erection before taking him in my mouth with a slow appreciation for him. 

"You're a wicked little thing." Verando scolds me; his arms flexed in protest as he forces himself to be obedient, to keep his hands behind his head and allow me to go untouched. 

"Do you trust me?" I ask, running my tongue up the length of him, unsatisfied with how little of him I can fit in my mouth. 

In silence, we regard each other, ''You ask me that with my cock in your mouth?' He protests, and I shrug innocently, kissing the base and stroking slowly with my hand. With a low groan, he nods, "Yes, damn it. You're a bloody loon, but I trust you."

I wish he'd said no, yet one of my fractured pieces finds firm ground to stand on. I wanted to be worthy of that trust. 

Grabbing the oil, I set it beside him, straddling his hips as I bear witness to my work. The impressive erection, the flexed abdominals leading into the full pectorals, and the rigid biceps, would this sinful man still find me serviceable once he saw?

Cautiously, I remove my shirt. My torso is revealed, its olive patchwork standing out against his sun-kissed skin, but we aren't so different. My body is covered in scars, gashes, and bite marks. Each one tells a story, lines over the top of lines from claws and teeth. My body had been ravaged by every being I'd given myself to, each a painful reminder of why I couldn't let go. 

I was ruined.

 I was broken; there was no fixing me. I couldn't be put back together; the pieces wouldn't fit. I wrapped my arms around myself with a ragged exhale of regret.

"You're incredible," I hear him say, and I steal a glance. The arctic gaze of the most dangerous man in my country settles on me with a look I can't place. 

Taking the oil, I applied a generous amount to his length and my fingers, applying the lubricant to myself as I shudder at the thought of Haryek attempting to force himself on me. 

"Hey. Look at me, don't close your eyes." Verando commands, "Let me see you."

Swallowing back the uncertainty, I mount him, sliding him within me as I place my hands on his stomach to balance myself. Had I ever had a man allow me to take my pleasure? Bowing my head at the sensation, I groan low in my throat, only to yelp as he bucks his hips against me. 

"Nic..." He insists, making me look up as I struggle to stay coherent. 

I was already close; the kissing, the foreplay, and seeing this man stretched out before me had brought me painfully near the edge. "Not.. not yet; if I look at you, I'm going to-"

Alpha moves against me, chasing my release, refusing to allow me to teeter on the edge when my pleasure is at his fingertips. I finish at his command, a shivering, trembling mess of afterglow as I lay on his chest in an attempt to come to my senses. 

I glance at him, but he's not looking at me; he's looking at the ceiling. "Are you upset?"

"Not at all, darling; I'm waiting for you to catch your breath as I fully intend to have you again."

Flushing, I shake my head, hiding my expression against his chest as I draw circles on his tanned skin while he trails his fingers up and down my side. I hadn't even noticed he'd begun to touch me, but I relaxed into the warmth of his palm, marveling at how good it felt on my chilled skin. "You're absurd," I tell him, coining the phrase I've heard him use. 

With a smirk, he rolls his shoulders, slowly stroking my side. "Oh please, if you were satisfied by vanilla sex and coming like a virgin, we wouldn't be in this mess now, would we?"

While I'd like to argue, the thought of a second round appeals to me, and I concede that he can occasionally be correct. As my fingers trail over the scars on his chest, I feel the question form and glance up at him once more. 

 "Does it hurt? Turning into a wolf? You were practically screaming back at the rebellion." 

While I worry he might not answer, I gaze up to see it's his turn to be guarded. The topic was uncomfortable for him; his expression couldn't hide the exhaustion that came with such a task.

 "Yes. Adriam has done some dissections on the dead. Our bones must fracture and re-bond to create the wolf. It happens so instantaneously it's not a prolonged thing, though it feels like your entire body is being ripped apart and then shoved back together. It is worse when it is not happening willingly because then it happens from the inside out. Your ribs start cracking, your pelvis, your collarbone..." He trails off and sighs, brushing his lips against the top of my head.

 How horrible. I've got to fix this.

 "It's about on par with the change when we were actual werewolves, only this happens so often you kind of get used to it after a while, there are some who even think it feels good. My wolf really wants out, so that can be problematic. It rushes the change and can make it more painful."

 "I'm sorry."  I manage. For everything. 

"Yeah, me too. But don't apologize yet, we've got to go visit Haryek tomorrow, and you're not going to like it."

With the prospect of more sex, I struggle to care about Haryek's lot in life. "Bring this up again tomorrow, right now, all I can think about is this body pressing against mine. Are you sure you can go another round? You are older..."

Unimpressed, he rolls me onto my back, hiking my leg up onto his hips as he fills me. "Spoiled brat." Alpha growls, making me chuckle as I wrap my arms around his neck.