I stared into the silence as I waited for Ryan's car. The wind danced around and so I closed my eyes to feel it more. My bench squeaked drawing a smile on my face. I never knew I missed him so much until now. 'You came.'

He didn't reply for a long time. 'I thought you won't.' I said again. When he didn't respond the second time, I opened my eyes only to gasped at the sight of a drunk man sitting with me. His hand crawled up to my knees and I pushed it away standing up immediately.

'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I tried to walk away but he gripped my elbow.

'I know, everyone assumes so.' A sad look appear on his face. 'Stay with me won't you?'

'No, I'm sorry.' I squatted his arm away again. 'I need to go.'

'Everyone does.' He stepped closer. 'Just talk to me.'

'You have mistaken me for someone else sir.'

'No, I haven't.' Just as he held my hand, I raised my hand and slapped him hard across his cheek. He groaned and began walking towards me with long strides.

Before he could reach me, he fell on the floor with a thud. I looked behind to see Ryan picking the man up with his shirt and giving him another punch. The man already gave up, his drunken mind couldn't deal with such working but Ryan didn't. 'How dare you even touch her.' He punched him on his cheek then another and another.

The man's lip busted and bloody marks covered his cheeks. Ryan's till didn't stop, punching him more and more. The man spat blood and that's when I get to know if I won't stop Ryan, he'll kill him. 'Ryan, stop.' I pushed Ryan back but he didn't budge. 'Ryan stop it.' Another punch. 'Ryan you need to stop this. You'll kill him.' Another one. The man wasn't even moving now. 'Ryan stop it!' I used my all force and pushed Ryan away.

He caught off guard as his eyes were darken to the shade of black but the fire of rage burned in his eyes. His nostrils flared up and the corners of his mouth twitched. He clenched his jaw and stood up, walking towards me with angry steps. 'You don't get to stop me.'

'You would've killed him other wise.'

'He touched you. He deserve to die.' He eyes the man and Ryan's bruised knuckles cracked, preparing to lay another punch.

'Are you out of your mind? You would've murdered someone. What were you even thinking?'

His eyes snapped up to mine causing me to take a step back out of fear. 'Me? What the fuck were you thinking to be here at this hour? If you couldn't sleep then do something else instead of walking here all the way to do nothing!'

'I couldn't sleep because of the mean things you just said to me!' Ryan's eyes softened just a bit. 'and because of Logan with his stupid knives and by the way, I handled him just fine.'

'Yeah, I saw how you did. If I wouldn't have come here, he could've done something to you.'

'He would've done nothing either. You're not my saviour Ryan. I can defend myself just fine.' I crossed my arms over my chest.

'You rang me up.' Ryan's pointed out.

'That was a mistake.' I lost it. I couldn't even remember what was I expecting from him at the first place. 'I'm sorry I called you. You can go back.'

'What the hell are you doing Jane?' Ryan ran his hand through his hair. 'Why are you messing with both of us?'

'I wish I knew. I just expected you to ... ' I trailed off.

'To come back? To restart everything?'Exactly. He cocked his eyebrow. 'You should know it can't happen. We both are better off each other.'

'Are you really?'

'Yes.' He immediately answered that my stomach churned but his eyes spoke some other words.

'No you're not.' I argued. 'You're lying.'

'Even if I am, don't forget you are the one who pushed me away.' Ryan clenched his teeth.

'I did cause you left me alone when I needed you the most! Do you know how much it hurts?'

'And do you know how much it hurts when someone you trust the most doesn't even listen to you?! You are not the noble one Jane. You made mistakes too.'

'I know I did but ... ' I trailed off again. I couldn't finish the sentence, I want him to finish it but he didn't.

He shook his head. 'But what?'

'Can we not ... ?'

'I can't give you enough Jane.' Ryan answered. 'If I won't win, I'd have to earn the money hard way possible and if we go back, you'd have to suffer so much and things won't be easier anymore.'

'I can bear it.'

'You can't. You don't even know what it takes just to get one meal of a day. I have strong opponents, my votes are messed up and my chances of winning are less than even thirty.'

'Why do I always come after winning?' 

'Cause I want to give you so much Jane but I don't want to take risks either.'

'Cause you are a coward.' I claimed.

'Yes I am and let me be.'

I lowered my voice. 'You are going to give up?'

'If I have to, I will.' Determination ravelled in his eyes sending hurt down my chest.

'You'll leave me if you'd have to?' I questioned him. 'Like leaving leaving?'

He didn't reply rather swallowed. 'Let me drop you home. It's late enough.'

'Ryan, you won't even try?' Tears welled up in my eyes. 'That's it?'

'Let's go home now.' He walked toward his car and opened the passenger door. 'You have school tomorrow.' I sat in the car without even glaring at him.

He started the car and drove away.

I lowered my eyes and saw the tears on my lap one by one and I thought things would get better. He couldn't even fight for me. He said he would, he said he would do just about anything.

Liar.

'Jane ... ' he opened his mouth to say something but no words came out. He ran his hand through his hair and murmured incoherent curses.

'What?'

'Stop crying, please.'

I scoffed. 'I do whatever I want.' I snapped and he gritted his teeth. He was having a hard time stopping the car and yell on me.

I ignored him and looked out of the window. The sheer hope I had taken with me all these years that someday, things would be so good that I won't even believe them—was drowned now.

The life had won and I lost, again.

The weight made me fall down as my eyes closed. I only heard my heart that beat from the millions pieces it was shattered into. The world, too big, seemed to be suffocated. It all had ended now.

I didn't even look back on Ryan as I entered the apartment building but he didn't call me too.

The next morning, with ghostly eyes, I readied myself and climbed downstairs. Ian was no where but I still went on the jog. The running made it easy to not to cry.

I came back to Ian's to see up stricken to his laptop and grinning ear to ear. 'What is it?'

He looked at me, then at the laptop, then at me and squealed like a child. 'I got it Elle! I got it!'

'You got what?'

'My story! My manuscript is accepted and it's soon going to be published. I can't believe it Elle.' He shoved me the laptop with the editor's remarks on it. I smiled as I read each word with only positivity.

"When you first came to me, I thought I'll be just wasting my time on you. I kept your book in stocks for weeks only I was mistaking. Just opening the first page made me ride your world. A good adventure and mystery is all I was looking for. Thank you Ian, I didn't want to sleep for a week anyways."

'That's so great!' I laughed as he jumped up and down all around the house. I had never seen him this happy before.

'Isn't it right?' He hugged me tightly. 'Like, oh my God,' he rubbed his face. 'I had a dream of it Elle, I can't believe it. It's fulfilled now.'

'That is so nice to hear. I knew you could do that. Did you submitted the dragon one?'

'Yeah, That one. You said it was good.'

'It really was.' I smiled at him. He finally did it and I couldn't be more happier. Ian treated me to a large pizza, a movie and loads of matches of Tekken where he got beaten the most. We both laughed throughout and for a night, I actually forgot about everyone else.

The next day, Ian was the one to wake me up for the jog. When I didn't, he threw the water on my face causing me to yell at him. 'Ian! You bastard!'

I narrowed my eyes in slits as I made a run for him. Passing by the kitchen, I took the frosting can in my hand and hid it behind my back so he won't know it. 'I know Elle!' He yelled back as he ran across the coach. 'But being a good brother, I won't call you bitch.'

I made an attempt to catch him and got his shirt in my hand. He tried to run away but I climbed up the couch and jumped on his back. 'Oh my God, you are heavy.' He groaned before I covered his face with frosting. 'And nasty.'

I laughed hard but Ian didn't waste a single second taking the can from me and covering me with frosting too. My hair stuck. I jumped to him and threw him on the floor. Suddenly the door opened and Henry and Mom stepped in.

Henry wore a amusing expression while Mom, well, she was clearly disgusted. 'I should check if we are in the right apartment but I also know my children.' Mom stated as she took a handkerchief out.

'Well, that seems an interesting morning.' Henry commented. He walked up to the couch and picked up some pillows. 'Care to make it more interesting?'

And then happened what I never expected to.

Ian, Henry and Me had a giant pillow fight while mom sat in the kitchen, as far as possible but I caught her smiling at us. Me and Ian paired against Henry and ripped apart the pillows into feathers.

I laughed hard as Ian and Henry still fought, this time with pizza boxes as the cushions were deflated. I walked in the kitchen to grab a glass of water waiting for mom to say how disgusted I look but she didn't. 'You looked happy out there.'

'It was fun.'

'And good too.' I blinked twice as I processed what she just said. Did she just called me good? Like, seriously? I bit back my smile that won't stop crawling up to my mouth.

For the breakfast, Henry showed off his cooking skills that turned out to be pretty good. We all ate together after we all had showered. 'How's it?' He asked out of curiosity.

'It's pretty good actually. I'm surprised you can cook.' I answered him.

'I can do actually more things like baking, choosing dresses, painting nails , singing, gard—'

'Did you just say singing?' Ian pointed out. 'Like actual singing?'

'Hell yeah boy! You don't believe me?' He hit a note and his voice cracked so bad that we covered our ears as we laughed.

'That's Henry for you.' Mom said.

'Darling, you were supposed to appreciate me.' He furrowed and Mom rolled her eyes. The most expressions I had ever seen on her face.

'I'm sorry sweetie, but it was really bad. Just ask Jane and she'll tell you so many mistakes that you won't even speak again.' Ian and I looked at each other before we cracked up. We had never seen mom in such a good mood and I knew it was because of Henry.

For just one second, I took in the scene. We were laughing, with Henry, the man I thought was so bad, with mom I thought I'll never her smile and with Ian, whom I almost lost.

After the silence settled down, Henry spoke. 'We were actually here to discuss with you our wedding.'

'She already did.'

'Well she did but I didn't get the required answers.' Henry sliced his egg and put it in his mouth. 'I'm shifting the wedding here so you guys can attend too.'

'What?' Even Mom seemed surprised. Didn't Henry tell her?

'But England's your homeland.' Ian furrowed.

'I get it boy, but you're my kids and home is where happiness is.'

'But ... '

'No but's. Right after Jane's graduation, we'll arrange the wedding.' Ian and I looked at each other and shrugged.

'If you say so.' Henry grinned and seemed pleased with herself unlike Mom, she seemed a little ... nervous?

We didn't talk anymore as we got ready for school and his college.

In school, Ryan was nowhere to be seen so I third wheeled Mia and Yang keeping my profile as low as possible. Abigail, with her taunts, stayed away from me as I heard from Mia that Ryan threatened her to. I didn't tell them about me and Ryan cause just thinking about him made me angry now.

Back in my room, I opened my laptop to see I have been called for interviews for a waitress and as a vocal coach. I didn't even think and replied that I'll be glad to come as a vocal coach.

The next day, Ian and I jogged. When we came back, Molly was waiting outside to proceed with Ian's health. I did the breakfast and rushed to the school where Ryan was no where to be seen, again.

Just as I reached home, Mia texted me to meet her at Noah's. I did some studying and  went to Noah's with the address she sent.

His house was not big rather I found it much smaller and shabbier. His is mom greeted me and when I entered, his dad, on a wheel chair, smiled at me. 'Hello. I'm a friend of Noah's. Can I see him?'

'Sure my darling. He's upstairs.' I smiled kindly at him and made my way upstairs.

Laughs sounded from outside that died as soon as I entered. 'Hey guys.'

'Jennie's here!' Noah yelled almost too loudly. 'We missed you so much.'

Noah say on the bed with a chit and a pen while Yang sat on the chair and Mia on the bed. I joined Yang on another chair. Ryan wasn't here.  'What are you guys doing?' The table in front of me was full of papers shaped and cut like envelops, hearts and stars.

'We are motivating.' Noah answered.

'Who?'

'Ryan.' Mia said. 'We're writing him some motivational letters so that he could perform well.'

'I don't think so he need any,' I picked up a letter. 'I mean, he would've enough text messages and calls and stuff you know.'

'Yeah but it could do some good to him.' Noah said. 'You know he has to prepare for two finals.'

I looked at Yang who gave me a don't-ask-me-this-was-one-of-Noah's-stupid-idea-look. 'Yeah but still.'

'It's some leisure activity Jane. He has a lot of pressure right now,' Mia wrote down some thing on the paper. 'he could use some.' Sure he can.

'Would you help us?' I blinked at Noah.

No, I'd like to leave you guys to do this ridiculous thing. I wanted to say but rather my tongue rolled out. 'Yeah okay, I'll help.'

'Cool.' Noah passed me a paper. 'All you have to do is to write something like a fan would. Don't write your name or say some code words he'll understand. Just fun.'

I nodded as I took the paper. I looked over Mia to see what she wrote. It was a simple message for him to keep singing because she loved his voice. I kept on looking at their papers to find some inspiration. I didn't want to motivate him. He officially mentioned how much he doesn't want me. I felt anger towards him but more anger towards myself. How much I believed in him. How much I trusted him and all I got was a shitty no.

I took a deep breath. I needed to divert my thoughts. 'Hey Yang,' I called him. 'Thanks for helping me.'

He smiled. 'No problem. I'm glad that brat is down now.'

I tried to smile.

'Noah sweetie,' Noah's Mom entered with a tray of nuggets and some fruit. I stood up to help her with the tray.

'You shouldn't've bothered.'

'You kids came for the first time. I'm glad he has finally made himself some good friends.' His Mom said. 'Last time he said he's bringing in friends were two punks who left knocking his front teeth out.'

I laughed. 'Mom! Not now.'

'Don't worry bud, we don't expect anything humanly either.' Yang placed his hand on Noah's knee.

'Oh I've done so much humanly things.' Noah argued

'Like peeing on your bed until you were thirteen.' Her mom added and we all bursted into another pit of laughter. 'That was humanly enough.'

'Mom, please. There are girls.'

'They should know.' Her mom shrugged. 'I'll leave you guys to enjoy now.' She left and Noah heaved a sigh. Now I knew from where Noah earned his humour.

'Let's forget like it didn't happen.' Noah's face tensed.

'Like peeing on your bed until you were thirteen.' Yang played the recording on his mobile horrifying Noah's face. 'Nope bud, we won't be forgetting.'

Noah groaned, 'You just did not Yang.'

'I'm fulfilling Ryan's absence.' Yang said and I almost shivered. Mia registered me tensing up.

'Let's finish this as soon as possible.' Mia said and we all delved into work.

I finally uncapped my pen and wrote:

I don't give a single damn if you win or not. If you don't believe in your own self, no one else would.

T.A

I used "T" to be closest to "J" and "A" to be the initial of name he called me.

I folded the paper into an envelope and threw it into the bag of envelopes. I told them I had to leave and left Noah's house.

I got back to home and studied until I received an email from the Vocal Coaching Centre asking me to come at 8:30 am on Saturday. The exact day of Ryan's Finals which was tomorrow.

I studied as much as I could. The finals would be on Monday and I won't have enough days. It was important for me, to pass with good grades.

I stretched my back as I tiredness took over me. Walking out of my room, I found Ian playing Tekken in the living room with Henry who seemed to be visiting us more and I wasn't complaining. I joined them and surprised Henry as I beat the heck out of him.

That night, Ian decided to show off his cooking skills by cooking his Deluxe Pasta. Mom didn't visit us after Henry's announcement and I was fine by it. I ate and walked up to my room. I showered and changed into my pyjamas. When I came out of the shower, a envelope with Janelle Margot etched on it, laid on my dresser.

I picked it up and opened it. Three pieces of paper fell down from them. Two were the tickets to The Forbes Finals and one was a letter.

I opened it and it read:

I bought these tickets about two months ago, when I got my three yeses. I decided to work harder but at the mean time, I never expected anything. I thought I'll take you to the final round as a little gift for your trust and for believing me that I could make it. I thought I could be sitting on the front seats with your hand in mine and we laughing to each other like everything is perfect but like you said, perfection is not good.

I don't know what will happen tomorrow, Jane but I won't say I'm not scared, knowing we won't be able to sit on the front seats like I expected to. Knowing whether I'll ever have you or lose you forever. I still miss you on my couch and I can't sleep at nights either.

I remember my promise Jane, of fighting for you until I get you back and I'm working on that promise since then. I'm bad with words, I mess up, like Yang said but I'm not bad with singing.

I'll fight as hard as I can and if I'll lose you then know I'll lose a part of myself too.

P.S I know you don't care if I win but I care. Either I'll win everything tonight or lose everything and I don't think so anything could be more scary.

Hopefully I'll see you tonight.

Yours, Ryan