*trigger warning*

This might get...dark. A little.

And personal, a bit or a lot I guess.

Remember this is my own personal experience.

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Education system needs to change. For many teens, it's like going through a battlefield.

Including me. I'm losing my will to even continue my studies. My anxiety has gone worse ever since I started high school, to the point I had panic attacks in school and I 'developed' (idk how to describe it properly) suicidal thoughts. My insomnia got worse, that I still use sleeping pills to help me go to sleep earlier and wake up with some sort of energy.

I might have seasonal depression, but that's a might(Very strong one. Don't self diagnose).

I don't like the person I'm becoming. I had a week where I felt good, motived and joyful, but it felt so weird, foreign and unusual. I thought that state isn't natural for me anymore and that's.........awful. I felt like I should be anxious all the time, because that's what I'm use to. I even had thoughts that tried to convince me (more I tried to convince myself) that I shouldn't be this happy, something is wrong.

And I knew it was absurd. I deserved to be happy, but those words didn't leave or budge at all.

Then I had few episodes that I call 'emotionless moments'.

That was the point where I didn't want to end up with.

And when I got to it, I was literally being tortured inside my head,my body, to the point where I got scared of myself.

I finally understood what is it like to have suicidal thoughts, to feel worthless and empty.

I understood how hard it is to ask for help, to get out of bed, because it's not about living anymore, it's about trying to survive the day.

I finally understood the pain, the immense torture inside your head.

In those emotionless moments I hung on onto my anxiety, because I was forgetting that I have people around that care and love me.

I forgot the reasons why I'm trying to survive this.

I forgot.  (That was and still is terrifying)

And I finally understood why people don't speak about this.

The stigma that people who speak about this 'just want attention' should be broken.

To peaces and never repaired, because OF COURSE THEY WANT ATTENTION.

They want people or SOMEONE TO LISTEN! They want help without seeming of waste of time or trying to look like they want attention just for...attention.

We want to be understood.

And I use 'we', because I know I'm not alone.

It is a nice reminder that I seem to forget more than remember.

After all that (and more that i Didn't mention) I'm breathing.

I have good and bad day's.

And I keep fighting, no matter how many time's I'm bringed down. I always try to get back up, stronger than before.

I'll just end it on that.

~