Winner of the "LMAO: Laugh My Adventure Off" contest

"I now pronounce you husband and w - " the priest began to say. He was interrupted, however by the doors to the church being kicked down.

"Oh, you've gotta be friggin' kidding me," I muttered disbelievingly as what looked like the entire population of the Wasp gang swarmed the building. Our wedding guests began to scream and dash every which way in an attempt to escape the men holding semi-automatics.

I hiked up my wedding dress and grabbed the gun strapped to my thigh. "I thought you said they didn't know where we were!" I screamed at my husband-to-be, Carl.

Looking shocked, he shrugged like, I don't know what to tell you. "Listen, I cut off all connections with them weeks ago. I thought - "

"Weeks?" I screeched, making him wince guiltily. "You were supposed to quit months ago!"

A gunshot sounded and I glanced over, slapping a hand to my forehead in disbelief. "Now your grandmother's dead," I told Carl exasperatedly, racking my gun. As he began attempting to defend himself, I held up one hand. "Save your stupid excuses. I've got some people to kill."

I stepped down off of the access floor and began shooting. For the next twenty minutes or so, I was engaged in a deadly gunfight with the members of my fiance's ex-gang. Every time a blood splatter hit my previously pristine white wedding gown, my fury heightened. Soon, my hair was loosened from its braid and flying around my shoulders, my ripped dress was granting me increased mobility, and all of the gang members were either dead or wounded.

I returned to the access floor, breathing heavily. Most of our wedding guests had either fled the building entirely or were cowering in the corners of the church, hiding behind status of Jesus and Mary or in the long curtains outlining the stained glass windows. "Sorry about that," I called out. "We'll get this wedding thing over real quick and then you can all go home."

Turning to the priest, I continued, "I'm gonna have to get a confession after this is over."

"This isn't a Roman Catholic church - " he sputtered.

"Let's just pick up where we left off." I waved my hand in a hurry up motion, shifting from foot to foot as I stared at the door worriedly.

"I - I now pronounce you husband and wife?"

"Perfect." I pulled Carl in, gave him a quick, fierce kiss, and then turned back to the priest. "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned - "

"I'm not Catholic!"

"Right. Sorry." I turned and dragged Carl down from the access floor and out of the church. "We have to find a Catholic church while fleeing the city," I told him distractedly.

He was watching me with wide, slightly dazed eyes. "I can't decide whether to be terrified or even more in love," he murmured.

I stopped and pulled him closer for a deeper kiss. "Let's go with both," I decided. Then, I continued strolling from the church. "For the record, this is all your fault!" I called over my shoulder as Carl watched me leave in shock. He hurried to catch up with me.

"So let me get this straight," I began as we hurried down the street, my dress billowing along behind me and the bloodstains upon it attracting many stares. "You were part of the Wasp gang when we began dating. You told me about the situation after we were engaged, and you promised you would sever all connections with them within that month." I turned to him, stopping in the middle of the sidewalk and placing my hands on my hips. "That was five months ago."

"I know, I know." He mustered up a grin. "I guess I was lucky I got engaged to an army woman, huh?"

"What if I was an - an accountant or something?" I spluttered indignantly. "You and everyone else at our wedding would have died!"

He was able to look ashamed at this, at least. "I know. I'm so sorry."

"Whatever." I moved closer to the edge of the sidewalk and began attempting to hail a taxi. "We're going back to our apartment. If I find it ransacked, so help me - "

A taxi pulled over and we both climbed into the backseat. I gave the driver our address and made sure my gun was well adjusted against my thigh.

"Are - are you okay?" the man asked hesitantly, his voice thick with an accent that I didn't recognize.

"I got in a little gang fight, I'll be fine," I replied, waving him off to show that it was no big deal.

The driver knew better than to ask any more questions as we traveled, which I was thankful for, and we were at our apartment building in minutes.

By some strange twist of luck, our apartment remained untouched. "Do they not know where I live?" I asked Carl. "It would be relatively easy to figure out. I'm beginning to think your gang is a bit lazy."

Carl raised his eyebrows and shrugged. Returning the gesture, I strode into our bedroom, stripping out of my wedding dress and entering the bathroom to wash off the blood that was slowly drying on my arms and legs, as well as fix my atrocious hairstyle.

Once I had brushed my hair back into a semi-decent ponytail and my skin was raw from my vigorous cleaning, I dressed myself in a comfortable T-shirt and shorts.

Carl was packing a suitcase full of clothes on the bed. "Where will we go?" he asked, a nte of desperation entering his voice.

"I was thinking my mom's," I replied as I grabbed my suitcase and began to pack it as well. "She lives a couple of hours outside of New York City, to the east. Out in the country, where the Wasps can't find us."

"Are you sure? I don't want to put your mother in danger..."

"You haven't met my mother, right?" When he shook his head, I let out a short laugh. "Oh, you'll understand once you do. Now let's go rent a car and get out of here."

*

Aside from the fact that we were being chased by a dangerous gang, the two hour trip to my mother's house with my new husband was utterly enjoyable. We sang along to random songs on the radio, texted apologies to the guests of our wedding (most of which were only received somewhat horribly), and stopped to get candy from nearly every gas station we passed.

Finally, we were at my mother's. I knocked on the door, using a special knock that we had invented roughly a decade earlier to ensure that she would always know it was me and vice versa.

She swung open the door with alarming speed, and I noticed Carl flinch out of the corner of my eye.

"Are you two married yet?" was the first question out of her lips.

"Yes, but there were slight complications," I replied. "We're going to need to stay here for the foreseeable future."

"Come on in," she ordered after a second, ushering us inside and glancing around to make sure we hadn't been followed.

*

After I was done relaying the story to my mother, she sat in silence for several seconds before breaking into hysterical laughter. Carl glanced at me concernedly, but I just watched her calmly until she had settled down.

"Trust my daughter to go and cause something like that," she gasped, wiping at her eyes with one final chuckle. "You two are more than welcome to stay here for as long as you need - provided you help with the chores."

"Great. Thanks." I led Carl upstairs and into my childhood bedroom so we could get set up.

"I thought your mother didn't like me," he whispered, glancing furtively over his shoulder. He seemed more scared of my mother than he did of the Wasps - probably a smart decision.

"No, she's fine with you. She just found our relationship...sickening."

"Oh, that's so much better," Carl replied sarcastically.

"I'm sure she'll warm up to you once you get to know her. She'll practically love you if you tell her stories of your gang life."

"I don't want to remember that time."

I shrugged. "Your loss."

*

We were woken an hour or two after midnight by someone banging furiously at the front door.

"Well, would you look at that," I muttered unconcernedly, rolling over and adjusting my pillow. "They found us."

Carl leapt to his feet in terror. I sat up, yawning and stretching my arms towards the ceiling. "Don't worry about it," I assured him.

"Why not?!"

My mom entered the doorway, blocking much of the hallway light so that she looked like a silhouette of the fearsome demon she was. She held a rifle in her hands, pointed towards the ceiling. "Don't get up, kids," she said grimly. "I got this." She racked the rifle and stormed downstairs.

"Told you," I murmured as Carl moved to the doorway and glanced down the hallway, as if this would somehow permit him to see the events happening downstairs. Several gunshots sounded and then my mother's roaring laugh. "Just come back to bed."

"I'm beginning to question my choice to not delve a little more into your past before marrying you," he muttered as he lay down next to me, stiff as a board.

"Yeah, that was a dumb move on your part," I murmured, kissing his forehead. "At least you know you'll always be protected. We won't let the Wasps get you." I snuggled into him. "You're mine now."

He stroked my hair. "That's strangely comforting."

"Goodnight, Carl."

"'Night."

And I drifted back into a world of violent dreams.