Eat shit, drink piss, and go get yo self some candy bros

Groggily sitting up, you moved your hand up to rub your eyes. Yawning before half heartedly grumbling, "Hey, Illu.."

"Ah, good you are not fighting." Illumi's eyes never left you. Observing your every movement, "I was afraid I would have to subdue you."

You just shrugged your shoulders. Letting your arm fall back down to your side. Glancing at the black cat sleeping peacefully next to Illumi.

The traitor.

"I'm not dumb enough to try and fight a Zoldyck."

"That is debatable, Y/n."

"Are you attempting to joke, or is this a direct insult?"

Illumi just stared.

So, logically, you stared back.

Eventually, you had to blink—a feature he seems not to possess.

"You're just as quiet as you were in the chat." You noted, tilting your head at him. "If not more so."

"Is that an issue, Y/n?"

You shook your head, "Not at all. A good contrast to Hisoka's constant blabbering."

Talking about Hisoka, you're glad he did continue blabbering. If you had waited any longer to get information from him, you would've been screwed.

But, even if unreliable, he did give you some advice on Illumi. Better than nothing, right?

Unsurprisingly, Illumi took that as allowance to not respond.

The silence wasn't as awkward as you assumed it'd be. Instead rather.. comforting, almost? Chrollo was always talking to you, or having you talk to him. Hisoka was the same.

God, it's felt like forever since you were first captured. Which, while logical since you first officially met Hisoka in chapter 26, and it's been ten chapters, it hadn't even been a month.

Chrollo only had you since chapter 30, or four to five days. And you were unconscious for two of those days.

Now you felt a bit bad for leaving so soon. But the feeling quickly passed.

"Can I touch your cat?" You asked, well aware that the Zoldyck's rules would be far stricter than Chrollo's.

"He will most likely consume your hand whole." A risk you were willing take, "You may touch me though."

You blinked a few times, looking up at him before laughing softly. Leaning your head back against his chest.

"You're so awkward, I love you."

"Awkward?" Illumi asked, blinking for what was likely the first time this year, "How so?"

"It's not an issue, Illumi. I find it endearing." You would've said cute, but he would've questioned that more.

You welcomed the following silence. Letting your eyes slip shut as you rested against his chest. He was surprisingly warm, compared to his cold demeanor.

Plus, the discreet way he took your hand in his, rubbing your wrist with his thumb, was kind of cute. As if he were scared someone would see, despite the empty room.

Perhaps that's just the Zoldyck mindset.

"We have to speak with my mother and father." He informed, staring down at you. Not bothering to ease it into a conversation.

Lifting your head slightly, you smiled up at him, "May I assume that my continued existence may be.. debated, in this meeting."

"That is the topic of discussion, yes."

He's so comforting. And empathetic.

"Lovely." You grumbled, sitting up once more. Slipping off the bed.

"I wouldn't consider it lovely, as you may die. Though your preferences are none of my concern-"

"Sarcasm, Lulu. I will not gain any positive feeling from this."

"Ah."

Sometimes you wonder if there's actually thoughts behind the large black eyes of his. Or if he was controlled by fifty sewer rats who were trying their best to imitate human behavior.

Perhaps, if you're allowed to live, you can consider this theory further.

"Clothes have already been chosen for you." Illumi added, "You're welcome to get changed."

"In front of you, or..?"

"Is that an issue?"

Well, you're going to die anyways so supposedly not.

—

"Mother, Father, please meet Y/n L/n." Illumi introduced. Their eyes boring into yours. How comforting.

You couldn't tell if you were supposed to speak, or be seen and not heard. So you just stared. Hopefully they'll think you have a mental defect like Illumi, and assume you're soulmates or something.

"Oh, how lovely." Illumi's mother clasped her hands together, "My baby is finally getting himself a wife!"

Considering you might be a man, depending who's reading this, this might have been seen as offensive. But manipulate, mansplain, malewife I guess.

"And look how perfect they look next to each other," She tugged on Illumi's father's sleeve, who still didn't look pleased, "I can't believe you hide something like this from us, Illu!"

Okay, so the mother's more emotional. Easier to manipulate, if you want any chance of survival-

"Yes, why did you hide this from us, Illumi?" The man—god you really need to learn these people's names—asked gruffly.

You felt bad for getting Illumi in trouble. But you didn't ask him to kidnap you, so..

Before Illumi could respond, another voice from across the room cut in, "Because his new 'wife' is a slu-"

"Whore I will kick you." You replied instinctually as your eyes landed on Killua. Who was slung over a chair, eyes focused on his hand-held game console.

You easily forgot all about presenting yourself well in front of Illumi's parents.

"Please explain how you're going to do that." He asked with a laugh, his eyes never leaving the screen.

"You're like three inches off the ground, hoe." You countered, despite everyone's stares, "I'd barely need to raise my foot."

"Oh you wanna go?" Killua set his game console down on the table.

"I have rabies, don't test me." You stared at him, Illumi and his parents easily fading out of your mind.

"I will leap across this table."

"Do. It."

Before Killua could actually attack you, Illumi cut in.

"Both of you, down."

"They started it." You and Killua said in unison, pointing at each other.

"Oh my." Their mother fanned herself, taking a step back.

That's one way to insure your death. Surely she was heavily disappointed by now.

"They're already getting along!"

Huh?

Even Killua looked confused. Which debunked the theory that this was what 'getting along' was in the Zoldyck household.

You and Killua made eye contact, looking between each other and her, before both of you spoke at the same time.

"I hate the brat-"

"Why would I get along with that slut-"

"He's the bane of my existence-"

"I'd rather get tortured-"

"I'd rather break my own fingers over and over for years-"

"I'd rather have my eyeballs sucked out of my sockets-"

"We get it." Illumi's dad finally cut in. Immediately shutting you and Killua up.

"Illumi, why did you choose.." The older man glanced over at you, "..this one."

Illumi, again didn't get a chance to respond.

"Because they're actually cool, not deranged, and might give him some sense of humor?" Killua answered as if it were obvious, "And they're obviously way out of his league?"

"I thought you hated me?" You taunted, sticking your tongue out at the white haired boy.

"I don't recall saying that? Do you need to get your head checked?" Killua asked with faux concern, before suddenly leaping over the table.

You barely saw him move, instinctively screaming and jumping back as he landed where you just were.

"Illumi get your brother- Illumi!" You screamed, pointing at Killua like he was witch on trial, "He is crawling at me- Illumi- Illumi!"

Killua, acting much like a spider, sped towards you, not even bother to stand back up straight.

You, logically, jumped back onto the nearest coffee table, climbing up the wall.

"Illumi! It's gonna take my teeth! They always do!" You cried, kicking at Killua as he moved closer. Climbing further up the wall. Nails digging into the wall.

"Killua may be right about them giving you a sense of humor." Zeno noted from the doorway, his hands folded behind his back.

Before Illumi could say anything, he was yet again interrupted. This time by you.

"Zeno!?" You squinted, staring at him.

Zeno stared at you, as did everyone else.

"Have we met?"

"You're a cheating lying bitch who should be burned at the stake. I will take pleasure in knowing you will soon have to justify your existence as you stand before god-"

"Ah, L/n. I remember now."

"I'm sorry, what the fuck is going on?" Killua asked. Being the only lacking enough manners to interrupt.

Since Killua didn't seem to be a threat, you slowly slid down the wall. Hopping back onto the ground.

"What's going on is that your grandfather needs to be punished for his sins."

"Still upset?"

"I made you a friendship bracelet!"

"You did not, nor would I want it."

"We could've matched, been together forever, but you cheated!"

"You were the only one cheating."

"Liar liar pants on fire-"

"Stop." Illumi's dad's voice cut through the room shutting you up.

Right. You were supposed to be behaving.

"Father, please explain how you two met. So we may get this over with."

"Ah, we played chess once."

"You cheated." You grumbled under your breath. Knowing full well everyone noticed.

"I won." Zeno explained, "They were runner up."

"Because you cheated."

"You ate three pieces while the judges weren't looking." Zeno barely even glanced at you while he spoke.

"Giants rule. It's a unique rule that allowed you to remove pieces off your opponent's team if you consume them immediately-"

"You turned the board and claimed you were now white side after I started winning."

"I had an uno reverse card, which allowed one player to-"

"You bribed the judges."

"You could've out bribed them, but you didn't. A losing strategy on your part."

"You lost your king and kept playing."

"The ArticaAnt is a nation led entirely by anarchists and thrives to this day, no monarchy can chain me-"

"You had your king 'knight' one of your pawns and switched it out with a knight mid game."

"Sir Bartholomew Bartholdi the III had earned his title and-"

"You revived your queen from the dead."

"Nen."

The way Illumi's eyes shifted towards you made you realized you may have slipped a little too much.

Word Count: 1804

Fun Facts:

• Silva and Kikyo: I can't believe you kept this important secret from us-
Killua and Zeno: wait I know this bitch!:0

• Guys I realized the book lost all its crackfic-ness so I had to add some back. More Y/n-Zeno lore next chapter cuz this is genuinely a hilarious duo and you all deserve some crack before I start shooting the main characters.

• Y/n has no idea that Hisoka helped with your new kidnapping. And therefore is still operating off the information he gave them.