AILANI DIAZ

i was sitting on the second to bottom row of the bleachers. i kept leaning forward, and back, forward to back as i scanned around for jalen through the crowd of parents and teenagers.

it was a cool tuesday night in october. the first volleyball game of the season was gonna start any minute and i was anxious. for the most part, i've done my part to keep our conversations brief and strictly about the girls. the best part about how brief they were was that not only was i the one to always end it, i was the one to always walk away.

but an hour long volleyball game? the thought of cheering along with him made me light headed.

it's only for an hour.

"hey," jalen greets loudly in the busy gymnasium, bringing me out from my thoughts.

"hey," i greet back as loud.

"i didn't miss anything right?" he asks, as he reveals the poster he was carrying from behind his back.

"no, you-" i furrow my brows. "you made them a sign?"

he looks down at the poster before looking at me with a sheepish smile. "too corny?"

i couldn't the wide grin that erupted as i leaned over on my left side the reveal a poster i too took the time to create for the girls.

"not unless you think i'm corny?"

he laughs while taking a seat next to me. "then we must be the corniest parents in the world."

i nod along, my smile fading.

"whats your sign say?" he asks.

i turn to him with a raised brow. "nope."

he looks at me confused. "what?"

i shrug my shoulders. "no peeking. i don't wanna hurt your ego just yet with how awesome it looks."

an amused grin instantly appears. "yeah, right."

i chuckle lightly. "don't believe me then."

he shrugs his shoulders. "i can't when i already know that i made the better poster."

i look at him meekly. "someone whose confident enough to know they made the better poster wouldn't ask the competition to show them their poster."

"i was just trying to make conversation," he laughs lightly, but that sentence alone brought me back to the reality to whatever it is that is of our situation.

"yeah well," i slant my lips to the side as i look towards the scoreboard across the gym. "don't."

he sighs.

i could feel his eyes on me but i couldn't meet his. i don't know if things are always so easy going for us, or it's because i always make them easy going.

"lani,-"

the sight of raelynn running out with the rest of the cheer team brought me to my feet. "it's starting."

...

"mom, dad!" the girls cheered as they swerved through the crowd to us. yaleah and i hugged as raelynn hugged her father.

"you guys were amazing," i complimented, giving yaleahs shoulders an extra squeeze.

"you always say that," yaleah remarks, but her smile shows how appreciative it was to hear.

"no, you really were," jalen chimes in. "most cheer teams in the city are really dance teams, you guys are the real thing," he compliments raelynn before looking at yaleah. "and that spike you did at the end? you ate the other girls up."

i watched as yaleah looked at raelynn, their smiles going from ear to ear. they were over the moon.

"thanks dad," raelynn speaks, her arms squeezing around his waist tighter.

"yeah, thanks," yaleah nods. she then looks up at me and asks, "so what are we doing now?"

i shrug my shoulders. "home, it's a school night."

"i was thinking of taking you guys out for ice cream," jalen suggests abruptly.

the idea had the girls ready to shoot through the ceiling the way they were bouncing in place.

"oh, can we?" raelynn pleads.

i smile and shrug. "yeah, why not? you guys deserve it."

"can mom come with us?" yaleah asks, facing her father.

and that's when the air changed. tension had fallen, and heavy around the four of us. it's only been a week since jalen's been back in our lives, for god knows how long. we've barely manage to hold up a conversation only about the girls, and the thought of being alone with him or having to talk to him makes my heart race.

and once again, everything felt like it was moving so fast.

everything feels like it's going fast when jalen's around.

"yeah," he nods. "that's fine. as long as your mother doesn't mind."

i shake my head. "nope."

of course i did. but i couldn't let it show.

...

"this has to be your doing," jalen remarks with the shake of his head as he takes a bite out of his ice cream. we found a chicken spot near by and got four small cups. i had gotten cookie dough, jalen chose strawberry, yaleah got chocolate chocolate chip and raelynn got mint chocolate chip.

i scoffed, a smile formed without a doubt. "excuse me? she's just as much my dna as much as she is yours. seriously strawberry ice cream?"

"shes eating chocolate toothpaste, ailani," he states flatly, making me and the girls laugh.

"what does that have to do with me?!" i exclaim. "i don't even like that flavor, i have and always will be a cookie dough girl."

he tilts his head to the side. "let me ask you girls something. your mother conditioned you to like deer ankles- sorry, white castle?"

i threw my head back and laughed uncontrollably while the girls gasped.

"what?!" they exclaimed at once.

"oh god," he breathes out with the shake of his head.

"dad, the chicken rings are so good," yaleah comments.

he points a finger at me. "you conditioned our daughters to prison food!"

"have you even tried their chicken rings yet?" i asked.

"no!" he exclaims again. "the sliders were enough. what is wrong with you?"

i couldn't help but laugh more with a memory that popped into my head. i looked at my small cup of ice cream and began to play with it as i asked, "do you remember that time i told you what i use to do with my popeyes?"

his face expressed him lost in thought before realization hit him, quickly replaced by disgust.

"what did mom do to popeyes?" yaleah asks as her eyes dance back and forth between me and jalen.

"disrespect it is what she did," he remarks before looking at me with raised brows. "do you wanna tell them or should i?"

i couldn't help but giggle. "i use to get a tender meal with mac and cheese, and i would always always always ask for the grape jelly and it had to be grape jelly. i would break the tenders up in pieces, and mix that, the jelly and mac and cheese together."

their faces dropped in horror.

"thank you!" he yells.

"jalen," i scolded ever so slightly, but failed because of my laughter.

"she said it was like thanksgiving dinner," he adds.

"how?!" raelynn asks.

"oh, like the cranberry sauce?" yaleah asks, her features not mirroring disgusts in comparison to her sister and father.

it was now my turn to yell, "yes!"

she nods her head. "i could get that."

jalen shakes his head. "oh my god. now we see who takes after who."

while the girls smiled out of endearment, mine began to fade again. i hate this. i hate him. he ruined things so badly between us that it doesn't matter how many years passed, i could never fully enjoy a moment with him without remembering the pain he's caused, the damage he's done.

"so," jalen starts. "what are you guys doing this weekend?"

i stared at my cup with furrowed brows.

raelynn perks in her seat as she thinks out loud. "saturday, we go to abuela's in the morning and then afterwards, i'm going to my friends house, i think yaleah is gonna hang out with her teammates but that's it really. sunday we have a project to finish for our english class."

"whats the project?" he asks.

yaleah sits up in her seat, now eager. "we have to remix the ending of romeo and juliet and perform it. we're thinking about modernizing it."

"give us a sneak peek," i encourage. the girls look at each other with a smirk that i've seen one too many times.

they both pick up their phones and press it against their ears.

"hey girl, whats up?" yaleah asks.

"girl, i'm depressed. tell me why my parents trying to find me a new man cause they don't like romeo, and instead of romeo trying to make a better impression, he ghosted me. i haven't heard from him in two days."

"do they even know romeo?"

"no!" raelynn exclaims. "they just don't like him because he's from the bronx."

"ha!" jalen laughs.

"i can't believe my own kids are out here slandering the bronx," i said, but was instantly shushed by yaleah. she looks back at raelynn, getting back into character. "you know your dad's from harlem right?" i got shushed again.

"what that gotta do with anything?" yaleah asks.

"i don't know," raelynn shrugs. "why did he have to ghost me?"

"i don't know but it sounds like everybody's playing with you. i'd kill myself, nothing would be sweet then."

in synced, jalen and my jaws dropped.

i could tell raelynn was suppressing her laughter by the smile that etched on her face. "you know that guy carlos from school whose always selling dope? i heard he got a strand that's so heavy, it'll put you in the heaviest weed coma. no heartbeat and all."

"you're trying to fake your death?" yaleah asked, pretending to be in disbelief.

raelynn shrugs. "it gets my parents off my back and romeo might show up."

"girl you're crazy. i say go for it. and scene," yaleah says before the two turned to us. our jaws were still dropped.

"you're performing this?" jalen asked incredulously.

yaleah shrugs with a prideful grin. "it's still a work in progress."

"your conditioning," jalen comments while looking at me with a smirk.

i shoot him a playful glare.

"well, how about you come to your grandparents this sunday in the morning before you get back into your project?" he asks.

there it goes again. the tension. the good moment out the window as fast as it came. because as always, everything has to move fast with jalen.

i look at him with a stern look as the girls look at each other with their own expressions of concern.

"can mom come with us?" yaleah asks.

he furrows his brows at her before looking at me, and then back to her. "i'll be there, i won't be dropping you guys off and leaving."

"no, we figured," raelynn assures. "it's just, i think we'd be more-"

"i'll come," i interject. i smile softly at yaleah and raelynn before looking at jalen.

...

i slam my divers door shut as i walk into the street towards jalens car. he stood outside of it with the girls, the three involved in a group hug. "go ahead inside guys, i need to talk to your father for a second."

they only respond in a nod before heading off.

i fold my arms across my chest and drop my weight on my left leg. "what's your problem?"

"no, what's your problem?" he asked, evidently upset.

taken back, i ask, "excuse me?"

"you know i'm trying to spend more time with the girls, why'd you have to include yourself like that?"

i shake my head at him. "okay, you need to listen to me for real. the only way this co parenting is going to work is and only when you listen to me. i raised those girls-"

"i'm tired of you and this fucking narrative!" he yells. "you kept them from me!"

"doesn't change the fact that i know them better than you!" i hissed. "i told you to not rush things. do you know why they asked me to come along?"

"no, ailani, i really don't know why," he breathes out.

"because they aren't comfortable enough with you," i explained. "i was the exact same way with my dad, i use to beg my mom to come so i could have my comfort with me. only difference is my mom made me go through that alone, i'm not doing that with those girls. if they need me, i'm there."

"when are you going to let them need me?" he asks. "how are they going to wanna reach out to me when you won't allow me that space?"

"it's only been a week, jalen," i prompt. "i told you not to spring this on them and you did it anyways, now you're mad because everything that i told you was gonna happen if you did is true? take my advice and for once and slow the fuck down. this isn't another girl you're just trying to fuck quick before the summers over and the semester starts, these are your daughters, your life investments."

"that's not fair, you meant more to me then and you know that," he argues.

"no, i don't," i admit. i turned around and walked away. on my way to my front door, i call out, "see you sunday!"