AILANI DIAZ

"don't tell me you need a trip that involves the grippy socks," noah colon flatly jokes as stops in the doorway of my office.

i slant my lips to the side before leaning back into my chair. a document was displayed across my computer screen, and files filled with documented photos and biopsy description papers sprawled all over my desk. "i just need five more minutes."

he tilts his head while taking a step inside. "ailani,-"

"i have to present this to the courts in three weeks. plus the girls called me and told me they're home, safe and sound," i eagerly reason, but he continues to make his way over to my desk until he's standing right in front of it.

"remember when you first started and told me to pull you out before you dive into the deep end?" he mentions with a raised brow.

i smirk at him as i gather the photos into one collected pile. "that was also back when i was flirting and liked having a good distraction."

he points a finger at me. "also true."

i worked in a manhatten district attorney office as a crime scene investigator. not only do i take a look at the actual crime scenes, i have to asses the collected data from forensics and organize all evidence into a appropriate presentation for the court rooms for assigned defence attorney's.

one of the attorney's that is always within my rotation is none other than noah colon.

"speaking of, want a distraction right now?" he asks with a sly smirk playing on his lips as he watches me organizes the papers back into a pile.

i look up with a gasp and a playful smile creeping. "now? do you see the time? i have a family to get home to!"

i couldn't help the giggle that fell from my lips as he lets out a dry, "haha."

i stand up from my chair and reach for the power button for my desktop. "are we still on for our date this friday?"

"unless the earth decides to blow up then."

i roll my eyes.

"did you eat today?" he asks, still watching me as i gather my belongings.

"i had half a subway sandwich," i sheepishly admit with the shrug of my shoulders, but by the look on his face he was not pleased with my answer.

"you try looking at blood all day and see how hungry you get," i defend.

"i'm gonna zelle you some money, order out tonight."

i stop all movements and lull my head to the side. "noah,-"

"you had a long day, let me treat you and the girls."

i couldn't help the small smile that formed. i've been working here for seven years now. noah and i were friends for years, the kind that flirted and made it blatantly obvious one liked another, but had so many outside obstacles that stopped us from having the courage to act on it. eventually, noah made his move and we've been dating for a year now.

a story for another time.

i slung my purse over my shoulder and walk around the desk and up to him. we had kissed, my lips only meters away from his as i mumble a soft, "thank you."

"you know i got you."

...

it was around seven by the time i pulled up into the driveway. my phone went off. i answered the facetime call to my best friends, brianna hart and selena guzman.

"hey guys," i greet as a gather my belongings with my free hand.

"i need a debrief," brianna instantly lets out followed by the sound of her car door slamming shut.

"i'm bringing the wine," selena claims.

"dinners on noah," i mention.

"ooh," the girls drawl at once.

"what are we feeling?" brianna asks.

"i don't know, gotta ask the girls first and see what we don't agree with," i say jokingly. sort of.

i let out a sigh as i slam the drivers door behind me, locking the car as soon as i do.

"evans is watching the kids tonight?" selena asks. evan hart was friends with brianna since their time in high school and later on developed a friends with benefit sort of relationship. after years of messing around with each other and other people, something had changed between them that, i guess made them realize they were it for each other. the rest was history.

"he doesn't have a choice," brianna flatly lets out.

i couldn't help but laugh. "you're coming straight from work aren't you?"

"i had to!" she exclaims. "if i went home, he would've ditched me to meet up with q."

i laugh again as i walk towards my front door. selena then says, "you know, q can always just come over and not stay for more than thirty minutes."

"nope," brianna instantly shuts down. "y'all know the rules, he gets q on the weekends. every time he comes over he ends up breaking something."

"that tv was a group effort," i comment while unlocking the door.

"influenced by q!" she exclaims once again.

my laughter was cut short by the sight in my living room.

"oh my god," i mumble.

"what happened?" brianna asks.

"oh my god!" i yell.

"mom," yaleah brooks calls warningly. "before you react-"

"i'm gonna have to call you guys back," i tell the girls before hanging up the call without another word from them. "how the hell-"

"lani," jalen brooks calls as he stands up. "don't be mad at the girls, i should've reached out to you first as soon as they reached out."

i blinked rapidly. "excuse me, who reached out to who and how?"

yaleah and raelynn brooks stared at one another with a fearsome expression before turning back to me. silence.

i nod my head. "jalen, you need to leave."

"ailani,-"

"now, jalen," i said sternly.

"they're my daughters too," he attempts to argue.

"now, jalen!" i yell.

his shoulders drop. he reaches down on the couch to grab his jacket before turning to the girls. "i'll see you girls later, okay?"

"don't hold your breath," i remark, standing by the opened door still.

i watched as my daughters gave him a hug before he made his way over to me. we avoided eye contact all the way till he walked past me and outside. that's when i closed the front door.

"mom," raelynn calls softly.

"go to your room," i say.

"but-" she starts up, but i couldn't take another moment of back and forth.

"don't make me repeat myself."

they looked at each other and then made their way towards the hallway.

"as a matter of fact," i let out with a change of mind. "come back here and explain to me how the hell you ended up finding his contact and what actually made you ungrateful shits decide to call him and invite him here behind my back?!"

"wanting to know our dad makes us ungrateful?" yaleah argues.

"extremely!" i exclaimed.

"we went through your stuff and found his full name and what college he went to. the rest was google," yaleah explains, apparently pleased.

"i told you when you were eighteen," i prompted.

"why don't you trust us now to understand?" raelynn asked furiously.

"why don't you trust me?!" i yelled. "did you ever think for a second there was a reason why i'm waiting to tell you? did it cross your mind if i was ready? did you take a moment to consider the wound you opened by bringing him here? he knows where we live now for fuck sake!"

the look on their faces that was once twisted with rage soften with guilt. for as long as the girls could talk, they've always wondered about their father. it started off as a simple lie, like he's a superhero and he's not allowed to be with his family because of how important he is. but the older they got, the smarter they got. eventually, i made an agreement with them that on their eighteen birthday, i would sit them down and tell them the infamous and terrible love story of ailani diaz and jalen brooks.

"mom,-" raelynn starts, but i've heard enough.

"give me your phones and laptops."

"what?!" they exclaimed in unison.

"you're grounded. you don't go making decisions like that behind my back and until further notice, you won't be having any extra contact with anybody until i say so. give it to me, now!"

they handed me their phones before making their way back towards the hallway where the set of stairs are.

"i'm ordering food, i'll call you back down when it's here."

"don't bother, dad got us food earlier."

my jaw clenched. it took every ounce in me to not throw their phones on the floor, including my own.

...

an hour had passed and i was in comfortable lounge wear in the kitchen, sitting at the island with a teriyaki chicken bento box in front of me and a glass of rose next to it. brianna and selena sat on either side of the island with the same bento box and glass of wine.

"i can't believe it, after all these years," selena comments lowly.

"he looks the same," i point out. "the same exact guy i left."

"what are you going to do?" brianna asks.

i shrugged my shoulders as i bring the wine glass towards my lips. "what do you mean?"

"i mean, what are you going to do about the girls? the cats out the bag lani. it's natural that the girls wanted to know about their father, it was only a matter of time."

i flatten my lips into a thin line and stared down at my bento box. "i know, but.."

i felt my throat tighten as i tried to hold back the tears. "what if they hate me? i was only trying to protect them."

"we know," selena assures.

"but what if they don't get that?" i ask.

"they will," brianna assures.

"what if he hurts them?" i ask.

"then we'll hurt him," they assure at once.

"i'm not ready," i admit.

"we know," they say at the same time once again.

"i know this going to open a whole lot of baggage, but you always have us," selena assures once more.

"do you want us here when you explain it to them?" brianna suggests.

i shake my head. "no, i think i need to do this alone."

...

what once read nine forty five on the clock soon changed to three in the morning on an early wednesday morning. i was pacing around the living room, biting on my thumbnail. brianna and selena had left hours ago and i was left alone with my thoughts.

once i tell them the truth behind their father, what he's done, what we done, there's no going back. the thought of this gave the most nauseating feeling.

i guess i was going to have to handle this like a band aid. i turned from my pacing and head towards the hallway and up the stairs. i barged into their room and turned on the lights.

"guys," i gently call out. they began to stir in their beds.

"guys," i call again.

"mom?" yaleah asks with squinted eyes. "what time is it?"

"come downstairs," i say, ignoring her question.

after about ten minutes, we were all downstairs in the living room sitting on the couch.

"i'm sorry that i called you guys ungrateful earlier," i began.

"you didn't just call us ungrateful, you specifically called us ungrateful shits," yaleah corrected matter of factly.

"not now," i sternly say. i then sigh. "guys, i'm just sorry how i reacted overall. it's just, um.."

they furrow their brows as i trailed off. i could feel the tears swelling up already. "your dad and i have horrible history.. so horrible that truth be told, i was not and i'm still not ready to revisit it honestly. but, a girl should know their father. i just.."

i swallowed the lump that was in my throat, but it was already too late. my dad was never really in my life. constantly in and out, and it always made me wonder why he never stayed in. and the the wondering is exactly what i didn't want for my kids. unfortunately, i couldn't give that to them.

"i was just trying to protect you guys. when you're dating a guy, you get to a point where you can't help but wonder if this is the kind of guy i would want my daughters to date? and if that answer is no, he sure as hell shouldn't father your kids."

they just stare at me with soften features. i couldn't tell what they were thinking. i guess they were just digesting this.

"well, um.." i clear my throat. "i recorded this for you guys. the same day i got the confirmation from the doctor that i was pregnant. so, just watch."

i reached for my phone and pressed play. the tv was set up as a screen share, a video from my gallery loaded onto the screen.

the video begins, displaying my phone already set up.

"okay," younger me starts, letting out a breath. "today's january twenty third, twenty twenty three. right now, i'm twenty two years old. can you believe how hot your mom is? anyways, today, um, i went to the doctor and it's confirmed. i'm pregnant. i'm so excited, i am. i've always wanted to be a mom more than anything, especially with everything. hopefully, by the time you see this you're twenty one, or at least eighteen. reason being, i need you to have lived life enough to understand every aspect of my decision to completely cut your father out of our lives. when i was born, your abuela had to give birth early because they saw something was wrong. normally, you're born with two kidneys. i was born with only one, the other one was a cluster of cysts. stick with me here, there's a reason why i'm bringing this story so far back.." younger me sighs again. "i didn't get my period normally like other girls. i ended up finding out i had polycistic ovarian syndrome. that just means i have a hormone imbalance, so, as you can imagine, my fertility is already decreased compared to someone normal. then i found out four years ago, that i have a split uterus. apparently, when i was developing into a wittle baby, that one kidney affected how my uterus was made. sounds made up, i know, but i truly can't make this up. my fertility has now went from what somewhat possible to damn near impossible. they told me i had to completely plan out a pregnancy, take medication just to help my chances of getting pregnant, and when i do, i would not only be high risk, but i would always have to get a c-section."

younger me took a moment to clear her throat. "what does all this have to do with dad? don't worry, we're getting there. there was this guy, not your dad, that i fell in love with when i was sixteen. we were together for going five years when i met your dad. by the time i met your dad, i was falling out of love with this guy. your father was the freshest breath of air. he had me seeing the world in brighter colors. until he didn't. he went back to school in connetticut while i was down here in the city. he left in agreement of giving us a try, exclusively, which then turned to us being friends, before it turned to us never speaking again. after he finished that one year in school, he got his masters and came back. when he came back, he tried to reach out to me again, but i was so guarded from how badly he hurt me, i couldn't trust him. he tried consistently for six months before i let my guard down. even when i let my guard down, i was still dating other guys because i was so afraid of him randomly deciding he didn't like me anymore the way he did when he went back to school.-"

younger me chuckles. "one night, he was parked in front of abuela's when i was coming back home from a date. the guy drove me home, so he caught me with another guy. he was so angry. i was almost relieved, because if seeing me with other men would end things, then i wouldn't have to worry about being hurt by him anymore, he'd just leave me alone. but he didn't, he actually admitted that night he's wanted to make things official, and that he only wants to be with me."

younger me started to tear up in the video. "i'm so stupid. he kept saying how serious he wanted to be with me like moving in and start the process on having a baby, he even proposed. i didn't move in with him, but i was engaged, and so deep into the process of getting pregnant. last month, it was a friday, i had packed for the weekend at his place. i was literally two stops away from his house when he told me not to come over. he never did that before. someone who didn't have any trust issues would trust that he said that with good reasons. it's a great thing i have trust issues, because i still went and.."

we watched as younger me swallowed the lump in her throat, the same lump i can feel sitting in mine at this very moment. "there was another girl there. she was pregnant. he was seeing this girl since he came back to school. the same girl that was the reason why he got distant with me. he tried to tell me that he didn't know what he wanted, but he does only want my baby. i didn't care though, i called it quits on him, blocked him on everything. he showed up to my house a week after that to tell me that girl voluntarily got an abortion. then, at my job last week, the same place where we met. followed me straight into the visitor service office of the museum, where a pre-shift meeting was starting, and completely embarrassed me in front of everyone. apparently i was so unappreciative of his efforts to win me back that he admits along the lists of things he's done like give me some bullshit apology, but also convinced that girl to get an abortion. which really only translates to manipulation. this isn't the kind of man i want around me, and i never want him around you. you deserve a male role model in your life that knows how to treat and respect woman. i regret a lot of things with him, but having you? is the best result that's come out of this."

with that, the video came to it's end. i wiped away the tears that made a mess on my cheeks. a few weeks after i made this video, that's when i found out i was pregnant with twins. two beautiful girls that i concluded to name yaleah marie brooks and raelynn marie brooks. now here we are, sixteen years later. with me in the middle, yaleah on my right and raelynn on my left.

"we're so sorry mom," raelynn apologizes.

"we didn't mean to hurt you," yaleah adds on.

"it's okay," i nod.

raelynn shakes her head. "no it's not. that wasn't considerate of us at all."

i tuck a strand of hair behind raelynns ear. "a girl should get to know her father."

she furrows her brows at me. "what?"

i nod my head again and turn to yaleah, who also shared a puzzled look with her sister. "the plan was to wait till you turn eighteen, show the video, and accept your decision on whether or not you want to know your father. we're two years early, but it was bound to happen. what do you say?"

they sat there staring at me unsure. "the choice is completely up to you, and whatever you decide is what i'll respect."

"really?" yaleah asks.

i nod my head.

"we love you more than anything in this world mom," yaleah says.

i smile at her. my sweet girl. "i love you more than life itself."