Habits (Stay High) - Tove Lo

HARRY

The drive back to London from Manchester was long. Too fucking long. If I had to drive in my car for another minute, I was about to lose my shit. I guess that's what happens when I decide to leave the day after Christmas. Everyone and their dog is out on the road, getting to their next destination. A car ride that should have taken me four hours turned into six. I was fucking ready to run my car into a tree.

I pull up in front of Ben's apartment. The lights are off throughout the whole building. I make my way up to our floor. The moment I walk inside, I am hit with a cold breeze. Who the hell left the window open? It's a good thing we're on the seventeenth floor, or I'd be fucking worried that someone broke into this place. But, to be sure, I do a quick walk through of the apartment, making sure nobody was in the place and that nothing was stolen.

After making sure all was well, I make my way over to the kitchen. I open up the top cupboard and grab a mug. The water begins to boil in the kettle. A low grumbling sound emits from the pit of my empty stomach and cuts the silence in the kitchen. To my luck, there is no food in the fridge.

Of fucking course. No food. Where is my fucking phone. Opening up my duffle bag, I search through the mess of black t-shirts and sweaters in hopes that my phone is somewhere inside. Thankfully, I retrieve it from the bottom of the bag and begin to dial the number for a local pizzeria.

Forty-five minutes later, I am sat in only my boxers on the couch with a gooey slice of pizza in my hand and the remote in the other. I flick through the channels, getting increasingly more annoyed with each passing rerun of some overplayed Christmas movie. The holiday was over. I didn't understand why TV networks felt the need to play A Christmas Carol every fucking hour. The movie was shit in comparison to the book anyways. Granted, every movie was relatively more shitty than the book. You just couldn't beat a novel. As much as those snobby Hollywood directors try, it's impossible to emulate the same story, emotions, and characters that an author does with his or her novel.

Granted, Peter Jackson didn't fuck up too bad with The Lord Of The Rings. I'd give him that.

Becoming increasingly more bored by the minute, I grab my cell phone. Opening up a brand new message, I type in a simple text.

You should come here. To my apartment. I'm home.

Seconds later, my phone begins to buzz.

Are you alone?

I quickly respond, Yup. Come now.

Okay. xx

Patiently, I sit and wait for her to come. I grab another slice of pizza, eating it quickly. My I look down at my half naked body, but don't bother to put on clothes. I know for a fact that would be a waste of time. My clothes would be off of me the moment she comes here anyways.

Minutes go by. Fifteen minutes later my door beeps. I buzz her in and wait for the soft knock to come from the door. I open it up and I am met with the familiar head of blonde hair. "Hey," I smirk down at her. She blushes automatically but doesn't hesitate to smash her lips against mine.

Hanna's fingers dig into my scalp as she fists a head full of curls. "I've missed you," she whispers against my lips. I don't say anything back before I crash my lips against hers again.

I ignore the nagging feeling that kicks me in the gut. This is fucked up man. You're leading the poor girl on. Ignoring the words that my snarky subconscious speaks, I continue to kiss her. I wrap my hands around her body and lift her up while managing to shut and lock the door behind her.

Kissing Hanna was different than kissing Izzy. There wasn't that initial spark or any growing passion with each minute that our lips met. It was full of lust - and lust only. It was a physical attraction that we shared for one another. Nothing more. Even though she has tried may times to try and talk to me about other things, I find myself not responding to her attempts. The feelings that I felt for Hanna were strictly physical. That was it. I knew I was using her and I did feel a bit guilty, but at the same time I could care less. I had needs and she was willing to fulfill them for me. That was it.

Sure, that made me an asshole, but I never claimed to be anything different.

Being with Hanna - that was something that I could enjoy. The lustful passion that we seemed to light up when our bodies became one, was good enough to satisfy my needs. There was still that "one thing missing", but was what it was. My hands roamed her bare body. Our movements are quick and to the point, quickly bringing us to our brink.

-

The sheets are cold like the morning dew. Any traces of last nights heated activities gone. My body is bare; the white sheet thrown loosely across my hips.

I stretch my sore muscles. A loud yawn escapes my lips. I bring my hand up and run it through my messed up curls. Reaching over, I open up the top drawer of my bedside table. I pull out a half-empty carton of cigarettes, picking one up, and lighting it. I take in a drag, letting the smoke engulf my mind and sanity. The room becomes a haze of nicotine. My mind begins to drift off, my body slowly growing numb to the outside world.

My phone is silent with no incoming text messages; not one word from her. My mind begins to go off into its own world. The picture that has been sewn into my thoughts resurface with each drag that I inhale. Her brown eyes that hold wisdom beyond years yet manage to hold a child-like innocence are embedded into my memory. My senses crave the smell of her rose shampoo. My lips desperately desire the soft touch of her lips on mine.

Isabella Maxwell has seemingly taken over my mind, heart, and sanity.

-

ISABELLA

"When are you coming home," Chase asks me. I look out the window and watch the snow fall down gently outside.

"Um, next week. Before New Years."

"You'll be back in time for Jaz's party?" He asks me. I can tell from the sound of his voice that he is hopeful for my soon return. The excitement in clear even through the phone.

"Yeah. She'd have my head if I didn't." I laugh lightly.

"Good. Good." Silence takes over the line, both lost in our own thoughts. My mind drifts back to London and the people that I will see once I return. I look down at the lined piece of paper that sits on my desk. Harry's name sits on the top line, the rest of the lines left blank. "I miss you, Bella."

"What?" I am broken from my thoughts. Chase lets out a low chuckle.

"I said, I miss you. Bel - are you okay?"

"Yeah. I'm fine, sorry." I straighten up in my seat even though I know that he can't physically see me. "I should get going. It's late here."

"Right. Time zones. I keep forgetting." He laughs once again. His go-lucky attitude never faltering. "I'll talk to you later then. I love you, Bella."

"Yeah. See you soon." With that, I hang up the call and throw my phone across the room and on top of my bed.

Sitting at my desk, I pick up my pen. I look at the blank spaces, studying each line. Harry. Without a moment of hesitation, I crumple the sheet of paper, throwing it in the trash can. I can't be writing to Harry.

A week goes by full of last goodbyes and pre-New Years parties. The morning sun hits my bedroom causing my eyes to flutter open. My heart begins to pound to the loud sounds of (ironically) Beyonce's Flawless. In a loud, out of tune singing, I can hear someone shouting along. "...woke up like this. Flawless."

Grumbling incoherent profanities, I pull a sweater over top of my tank top and walk out of my room. I look around the empty hallway and walk towards the music. Making my way downstairs, I follow the music that lead me to the kitchen. Dancing around with a mop is Zoe. Her brown hair is flinging around as she sways back and forth, singing along to the words. "Zoe," I yell. She lets out a loud scream and drops the mop on the floor. I bite down on my lip to stifle the laughs that want to escape.

"Shit. Isabella, you scared me!" She holds her hand to her heart. A giggle escapes her lips in which turn into full blown laughter. I can't help but join in.

"I'm so sorry," I manage to say in between fits of laughter.

"It's okay," she laughs, "I was under the impression that nobody was home. It's noon." I gasp, not realizing how late I had slept in.

"No way," I shake my head but still laughing at everything that happened. I walk over to where she is standing and head towards the cupboard. I grab a glass and pour myself some apple juice. "I can't believe I slept in so late," I say in between sips.

"It's the holidays. You're allowed to sleep in. I'm sure you're also still jet legged. Good thing you're going back tomorrow, get back to your usual sleeping patter." Zoe says to me as she opens the fridge and grabs some leftovers.

"True." I take seat at the breakfast bar while continuing to drink my juice. "I'm ready to go back."

Zoe looks at the clock, before taking a seat beside me. She hands me a plate of food while eating placing her own in front of her. "Break time," she explains before taking a bite from the leftover alfredo. "Now, tell me. Are you excited to see your boyfriend?" She asks me. I choke on my food - not expecting to hear the question from her.

"How did you know that I-"

"Natalia." She explains with a small smile.

"Figures." I roll my eyes at my sisters inability to keep things to herself. "I'm uh - I guess so. Yeah."

"You guess?" Zoe laughs as she furrows her brows. "Wouldn't you be excited to see your boyfriend?"

"I should yeah, but - I don't know. I'm not as excited to see him as I should be." I don't know why I am opening up so easily to her. This wasn't like me to open up about my thoughts and personal issues. But, Zoe was an outside person. I felt like there was an unwritten understanding that she wouldn't judge me and would listen.

Zoe takes another bite from her plate. She looks over at me, her brows still furrowed as she thinks. "Nat was mentioning that there was someone else?"

Damn Nat and her big mouth. "How do you define someone else?" I ask tentatively before taking a bite from my own plate.

"I think she said his name was Henry? Or, Hunter? I know that it started with an H and that he is apparently sex on legs," she giggles to herself.

My stomach tightens at his name. The butterflies that I have seemingly lost my battle against breaking free from it's metal confines. "Harry. His name's Harry."

Zoe gasps in excitement, "Harry! Right, that's it! What's going on there?" She asks me, her eyes glistening with curiosity.

"Nothing."

"Really?"

"No," I admit.

"I'm a psychology major. Talk to me!" She turns so that her body is now facing me fully, her hand gripping on the plate while her other hand holds on to the fork, bringing her food to her mouth every few seconds.

"I don't really know where to start," I tell her.

"Well, have you done anything with him?"

"We've kissed." I answer flatly. The guilt beginning to eat up inside of me as well as the confusion that I feel.

"Scandalous." She laughs but is quick to shake her head. "And, how do you feel about that?"

"Guilty."

"That you kissed him? Or that you want to do it again."

"A bit of both," I admit once again. "I feel guilty for going around Chase's back and kissing another guy. I also feel so guilty for wanting to do it again. I'm so confused. I really like Chase and the stability that he has, but with Harry. God, with Harry it's so different. He lights something up inside of me that I can't quite explain. I just- feel almost alive when I'm with him, but also challenged and infuriated and a school girl."

"Then why the hell are you with Chase still" She asks me as if it's an easy question to answer.

"I don't want to hurt him."

"You're hurting him still by going around and kissing Harry and not fully being in this relationship."

I mull over what she says, letting it resinate inside of me. She had a point - what I was doing was going to hurt him regardless. I knew that I wasn't in this relationship anymore. It was in that moment that I made up my mind, "I'm going to break up with him when I get home." I declare, my hurt speeding up at the idea but the excitement racing inside of me.

"That's a smart idea."

"Is it though?" I ask her. "Maybe what I'm feeling with Harry is just a phase. What if he doesn't even want to be with me?"

"It's a risk that you should take. Honestly, Izzy - I can call you that right?" I giggle and nod my head. "Okay," she laughs with me before continuing. "Izzy, I think that you've been leading Chase on for months now. It'd only be fair to him if you make a change and end things."

"I guess you're right." Was I really going to do this? Was I going to tell Chase that I was no longer emotionally in this relationship? This was going to be a massive risk and I didn't know if I was emotionally ready for this. But I knew that I had to be. I couldn't keep living on like this, lying to him. He was too great of a guy to be treated this way.

-

The flight back to London was long. Not as long as going back to New York, but still grueling. Saying goodbye was harder this time than it was last. I didn't know when I would be home next, and that thought scared me the most.

Walking off the plane, I search the airport for anyone that I knew. My eyes search the crowded airport. I look around and see Jaz standing with the same sign she held up for me when I first moved here. I laugh at her as she jumps up and down excitedly. "Izzy!" She squeals, dropping the sign and running towards me. Her small body engulfs me into a bone crushing hug. "Oh god, I missed you."

"I missed you too!" I smile at her as we let go of our welcoming embrace. "I'm starving. Can we go get food?" As I ask this, my stomach makes a loud grumbling sound. This earns a chuckle from Jaz, who in return nods her head yes.

We make our way out of the airport and towards her car. We drive through the city and towards Brerin's. I was excited to see Erin and to have a hot mug of coffee. As we enter the diner, I absentmindedly look around for the familiar curly brown hair and piercing green eyes that I have grown to adore, but he is nowhere to be seen.

We walk over to our usual side table. An unknown teenaged boy walks up to us, asking for our orders and setting two mugs of steaming java. "That's Brad and Erin's kid." Jaz explains as the boy walks away. I nod my head and look down at my phone when I hear the jingling sound of the front door.

A blonde girl walks in with her hair thrown up into a messy bun. She is wearing a tight mini skirt with black tights on underneath with boots and a green anorak jacket. I watch her as she walks up to the front counter. The next thing that I see takes me off guard. I can feel my stomach twisting in knots. The strong taste of bile rises to my tongue, burning as it makes its way up.

Harry enters the front of the diner from the back door, not noticing me siting and walks up to the blonde girl. He leans her up against the counter, locking his lips with hers. She wraps her arms around his body and his hands slipping inside of her jacket. "What the fuck," I whisper as I watch the whole scene unfold.

Jaz looks up from her phone giving me a quizzical look. She turns her head and follows my gaze towards the indecent display of affection that is taking place only meters away from where we stand. "The hell," she half yells as her eyes grow wide. She looks over at me and looks back at Harry and the whore that he is kissing.

"Who is she?" Jaz asks me but I only give her an annoyed look.

"I don't know. God, it's like they are starving children who just seen food before. Geez, get a fucking room." I grunt as I watch them completely ignore us.

"Wait, are you jealous?" Jaz asks me, her eyes widening.

"What? No! God, no. Why the hell would I be jealous of - of that?" I ask while flailing my arms towards them.

"I don't know! You tell me! You seem like you're ready to kick the girl in the face." She chuckles humorously but I only grunt back at her.

"I'm not fucking jealous. He can date whoever he wants. Oh wait, he doesn't date. I mean - he can get a disease from whoever he wants. Or kiss. Whatever. I don't care."

I continue to watch as Harry pulls away from her lips. She giggles, an annoying high pitched giggle. God that has got to get annoying after a while. Her fingers tangle with his curls. I couldn't take this anymore. I got up from my seat, throwing some notes onto the table and walk out of the diner. I can sense his eyes on me as I walk past him but ignore him. I didn't need this.

I didn't need him.

I pull out my phone and dial Chase's number. "Babe!" He cheers on the other line.

"Where are you?" I ask him quickly, the words rushing out of my mouth in a desperate hurry.

"My place."

"I'm coming over." I quickly say before hanging up the phone and rushing over to the closest cab that I could fine.