Coping mechanisms.

You know, I've been happy. Yes I, the broken mess have been happy since some days but that was probably a cover. I am the type of person who likes attention but doesn't ask for it of someone doesn't give me attention. If someone doesn't care for me I still care for them and just hope that someday they'll return the it but many times they don't and it really doesn't bother me that much but sometimes I break and when I do I am way to vulnerable.

Vulnerable as in? Vulnerable as I could either drown myself in music and overwork myself OR I could throw shade and ignore it and then the worst one of them all, I use pain as the coping mechanism.

Let me explain what all of them mean and just why it's important to care, For yourself and others.

My first coping mechanism is overworking myself. I take part in contests and edit my books and Start judging and reviewing and those things are normal right? Many times they are but sometimes people overwork to hide their feelings and what results in is that they pop and everything goes down after it and the period when they've finally broken down is a really difficult time because any type of comment can be taken in the wrong way at that.

Maybe you said something about their book like "Hey it's amazing but work on your grammar a bit :)" Could be their breaking point and it feels like you are actually drowning when you've had an outburst. Everything feels sad, You feel like you cannot breathe and it's hard to open up because you think that no one cares enough and that you shouldn't burden them with it. But it gets better after some time, After you've spent time googling "Buzz feed how to feel better" And after just shutting down for some time and watching some YouTube videos and hearing some music it gets a bit better but that's not always the case.

Sometimes it doesn't get better. Sometimes it drowns you to a point where you can't get up. Sometimes nothing anyone says or does makes you feel worthy. That's the dangerous part. Sometimes you hide it all in and pretend it's okay but you are lying to yourself. What helps me when I feel like my boat is sinking? I write it all out. I take a page and I write predictions for the next 4 or 2 years and I write it in third person like I am someone totally else and am really predicting what might happen. Then I spend time with myself, I read my old written out story drafts that I wrote when I was ten, I listen to the songs I used to love and I think of the time when the only concern I had was will my crush notice me. It calms me down.

Take some time with yourself, Whether it be you taking a break from social media or you walking around or just you thinking about something new, It'll help. And like once Jessica hart said, "Just because something is different and new doesn't mean it's wrong and look at the bigger picture all the time. Oh and remember, When you'll be rich famous and filled with happiness and success you won't even remember those idiots who made you worry and sad,"

Then there's the second type of mechanism. This one is something that I do and you might do when you aren't worried but filled with anger and hate someone so much that you'll seriously delete their existence from earth if you could. This one is something that I do when I am filled with the idea of vengeance.

What I do? I delete the fact that I was ever present in their lives. I delete the conversations, Un vote from some book of theirs that I read, Delete their comments and my comments, Delete literally everything about them from my life. And then I mute them and control my urge to go to their message board and see if they noticed or if they regret what they did. But here's the thing, I end up forgetting that how much ever I try to delete them from my life they still lurk in my mind and all I want to do at times is go back and say that I am sorry but It wasn't my fault and that's what you guys have to remember.

Screw the sentence "If you love someone then let them go, If they come back then they're yours." If they truly did love or like you then they wouldn't leave and that's how it works. If you love of like someone then you do everything possible to not leave and if they see that you tried to stay and did everything you could do then they are truly yours.

Throw shade at them, Rant and vent and stream the best songs about revenge and those will make you feel better for sometime but that won't heal it because the sentence time heals is true. If you ask me if I am feeling the same as I was when I woke up and saw that someone important to me just left with no explanation and didn't even say goodbye (That's what I mean by shade lol) then I'll reply with a no because now yes I still am mad and upset about it but I am not still sad and sulking about it.

The third way is something that I've talked about before and it's harmful and really dangerous but many still go to it because it's the one thing that distracts them. Pain. Pain is something that tells us that we are only Human and that we can feel things but pain acts as a distraction as well. And the bad thing is that even though I've been clean since 3 months and haven't touched the blade I still go to pain when my parents blame me for disappointing them.

I go to pain when I blame myself for everything bad that happens to me and pain isn't just cutting yourself, Pain could be hitting yourself or keeping your hand on a really hot cup of coffee till the point where it's actually burnt a bit while your mother or father of someone said something that you couldn't take.

Trust me when I say this, If pain is the one thing that makes you feel something and if you think that you deserve pain then unfortunately you are wrong. When your mind is focusing on the fact that your hand is bleeding Instead of thinking about the fact that it's bleeding because of something that happened it makes you think that pain will distract you.

But distractions won't help you get better, What will help you get better is thinking about something that you like. What will help you is you understanding the fact that you are beautiful and lovely and one day you'll forget whatever your parents did and not care about them. Start your day by telling yourself something positive about yourself, Have some time for your thoughts, If you want to do something that you can do then go on and do it. Want to make a BuzzFeed article about giraffes? Do it. Want to write a fanfic? Go ahead. Want to do absolutely nothing but watch YouTube videos and eat something? Do it without a care in the world.

Another small coping mechanism of mine is writing it out. No not chapters but I take a page and write out predictions for the next year's to come. And I get my focus back after writing it. For example I actually wrote one two years ago and I'll give you the picture of it.

What it says:

Future predictions :- 2024

TOG (Throne of Glass) will be finished. (first book only). It will be famous. Jessica hart will be happy (I used to talk to myself in third person thinking that it was cool lmao) her life will get better pain won't be a problem. And some other stuff that isn't important.

What I meant by all of that is after a few years it will be amazing to read the little predictions that you wrote and someday you'll think of your past and not be affected by it because your past shapes you but it can't break you.

Note: These are my coping mechanisms and if you have the same or different mechanisms and want it to be featured or a confession or just anything then feel free to PM me. I always respond and unlike some people don't leave. (again, Shade.) Just remember that you are amazing and wonderful and I am sure that everyone who is your friend loves you and everyone who isn't wants to be your friend :)