Chapter 38: Unraveling (Nathan's POV)

We just sat in silence for around 20 minutes after that. She's either processing what I've told her, or she's trying to guess what happened, or she's already guessed it. She may know that Chloe is dead. 

"It's really hard to transition out of that with a witty remark, um," she cleared her throat. I let out a snort, smacking my hand over my mouth. I shook my head, turning to face her. "I don't know what to tell you," she chuckled awkwardly. 

"You don't have to tell me anything." 

"I'll just... kiss you." She reached up, grabbing my shirt in a fist, and then smashed her lips on mine. 

She's kissing me after I tell her about my ex-girlfriend. 

That doesn't sound about right. She knows. She definitely knows. 

But we're both going to act like she doesn't. 

I don't even know what to tell her. The truth is just pouring right on out for her to see. It's just unraveling like I knew it would at some point, but it's scaring the hell out of me. She may see me differently after all this after she knows about that night. And she may hate me. 

Please don't hate me, Emma. 

And she may leave me. 

Please don't leave me, Emma. 

"What?" she looked up at me in confusion. 

"What?" I asked. 

"You just said... you said 'please don't leave me.'" 

"I did?" She nodded slowly. "I was thinking it," I cleared my throat. 

"Why would I leave you?" 

"You might. When you find out what happened. All of it." 

She shook her head, "I won't." 

"But you might." 

"No, I won't. I promise. I'll be here when you need me. Always." 

"You can't promise me something without knowing all of it." 

She sighed, "Nathan. I don't even think you were completely at fault. Whatever it was that happened." 

She knows. 

"I think maybe you were involved, maybe some of it was your fault, but not as much as you think. I think people had you believing you were guilty. So, there is no way in hell that I will turn my back on you and leave." 

"You sound like you're in love with me," I chuckled, rubbing my eyes.

"I might be," she whispered. My head snapped up and my eyes met hers. "I think I'm getting there," she clarified. 

"Y-you... you think..." I cleared my throat, "You think you're falling i-in love? You think you're falling in love with me?" 

"It's too soon to be in love with you. But I think I'm falling, yeah," she nodded. 

"That's really quick," I mumbled. 

"Yeah," she forced out a chuckle. 

"But I just... I don't know what it is, but I feel safe with you. I've technically known you since preschool, we just never spoke, I guess. But with you, I'm home. That makes no sense," she sighed, leaning her head back. 

"It makes total sense," I reasoned. 

"It does?" she asked, looking at me with confusion and surprise. 

"Yes." 

"Whoa, that is really fast. At least I'm not head over heels in love with you yet," she scoffed. 

"At least," I said sarcastically. 

"I just care about you, Nathan. A lot." 

"I know you do." I grabbed her hand, locking our fingers together. 

"How long have we been together?" she asked. 

"Give or take... a week." 

"That so fast, Nathan," she whispered breathlessly. 

"I know." 

"We should slow down. Taking things fast is never good." 

"Emma, whatever we say, whatever we feel, it doesn't mean things have to change between us. We'll just tell each other how we feel when we feel it. But we won't let it ruin things between us, okay? We'll continue taking things as slow as possible. I promise," I said, looking down at her. 

I meant it. If she loves me and she decides to tell me that, then that's just that. Her telling me she loves me. It doesn't have to complicate things between us or push them a level up. No. I think people can fall in love really quickly and that's okay, confessing it is okay as well, it's just not okay when because of that you feel obligated to act a certain way with them. 

That is not okay. And that is exactly what happened with Chloe. I'm thinking about Chloe again, I need to stop. As soon as possible, I mean that. 

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"I'm sorry. I'm really sorry." 

"Nathan?" 

"I'm sorry." 

"Nathan." 

"I'm so sorry, Chlo." 

"Nathan!" 

"Chloe." 

"Nath-" 

"Chloe!" 

"Nathan!" 

I gasped, sitting upright, panting, breathing heavy, my clothes were clinging onto my body in sheer sweat. 

"Nathan! Nathan, look at me." 

I coughed, trying to catch my breath as my throat closed up and my mouth dried out. I turned to my left, seeing Emma sitting up beside me, holding onto me. "Chloe..." 

"Nathan, are you okay?" 

"Emma," I said. 

I just... oh shit. 

"Are you okay? What happened? You've been screaming for about 5 minutes, are you okay? What's wrong?" she asked, brushing my hair that kind of plastered to my forehead from the sweat back. 

"I had a... dream, um, a nightmare, I..." 

"It's okay," she nodded. 

"No, it's not. I haven't had one of these since the accident," I groaned, resting my elbows on my knees and holding my head in my hands. 

"I need to leave." 

"Nathan." She grabbed my arm. 

"I have to go." 

"Nathan!" She snapped. I stopped fighting her off and turned to her. "You are not in the state of mind to be going anywhere. Sit down," she said sternly, pulling me back onto the bed. 

The truth is once again unraveling. It's all coming undone. I tried so hard to keep this part of me and my past hidden. 

"Nathan, what happened to you?" she asked, one hand on my shoulder, the other holding mine. 

"Nothing," I lied. Very horribly. We fell into a short silence. 

She rested her chin on my shoulder, looking at me. "She was in the car when you crashed, wasn't she?" Emma whispered. 

"Yes," I groaned, running a hand through my hair in frustration. I can't escape her. I couldn't when she was alive and I can't now that she's dead either. 

"And she... she died then?" 

"Yes," I huffed. 

"Do you want to talk about it?" 

"No," I scoffed. 

"Okay, okay. We won't talk about it." 

"God," I sighed. "What time is it?" 

"It's 3 AM." More brooding silence. "Nathan, go back to sleep, please. You look like you could use it," she said, rubbing her own tired eyes. 

"I woke you up. I'm really sorry," I sighed, looking down at her. 

"It's okay," she shrugged. 

"How is that okay?" 

"I care about you, I'd wake up in the middle of the night to make sure you're all right any day. Come on, just... let's go back to bed." She slowly lay down on her side so she was still facing me. 

"You hate me," I stated. 

"What?" She sat up in utter confusion. 

"You know that I was driving when we crashed and it killed her. Now you hate me." 

"Nathan, I-" 

"You hate me. You think it's my fault, don't you?" I started breathing heavily again, in no time, I was panting, nearly gasping for air, still accusing her of hating me. It's what always happens. Someone finds out about what happened and they hate me. It's all suddenly my fault. 

I'm the bad guy. I'm guilty. 

"You're gonna leave me. You-" 

She kissed me. She really just silenced me with a kiss. 

I held my breath, kissing her back instinctively. I felt her grabbing my shirt in her fist, pulling me closer to her, kissing me harder. Kissing her then, I knew she was angry with me. Not for the accident but because I thought she hated me. She was scared. So scared. I felt it all in her kiss. She pulled away after a while and stared straight at me. 

"You hate me," I mumbled. 

She clenched her jaw and then slapped me right in the face. Hard. My hand twitched to go grab my cheek but I didn't do it. I deserved that. 

I have this beautiful girl sitting in front of me, telling me she loves me, that she doesn't blame me for killing someone in an accident, and I'm here accusing her of hating me, saying she's gonna leave me, even though just a few hours ago she said she never would. 

"I don't hate you! Don't you fucking get it?" she snapped. "I don't hate you and I'm not leaving you!" She quite literally shook some sense into me. To put it bluntly, I had a nightmare and then freaked out. "If you say that one more fucking time, if you even think it, Nathan. Then get out of here. Grab your shit and go to the guest room. You're not sleeping here." 

"Emma-" 

"No. You either believe me or you don't and if you don't, then leave. Please," she said. She's fuming at me. 

"Emma," I grabbed her arm but she pulled it away. "Emma, I..." I sighed, yanking her arm, forcing her to look at me. "I believe you. I'm sorry, I just... I freaked out, I don't know what happened," I explained. That's just a pathetic excuse but it's true. 

"I'm not leaving you. Ever. Get that through your head." She spoke in a scolding manner all while glaring at me. 

"I'm sorry," I whispered. 

"Fuck off," she groaned before straddling me and pulling me into a tight hug.

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Chapter 38

I'm tired 

and sleep-deprived

someone help me with IGCSE art

please

next chapter: appreciated

I just wanna be.......... appreciated.