Adam was honestly thankful to be done recording ghost music for the shift. Sometimes selling the songs he'd made turned him bitter for a bit. He'd write these stellar, perfect songs that really showed who he was, and then some celebrity would slap their face and name all over it.

He wasn't looking for recognition, but sometimes it just hurt.

If Jacob were there he'd wrap his arms around him and tell him to mourn if it was something he really ached to not let go of. Adam never cried but he buried himself in Jacob's chest, comforted by the smell he emitted, like warm sandalwood but different. It was so strange that he just smelled safe, as safe as he was, but eventually the pain in his heart would lessen. The only person he truly needed recognition from was Jacob and he cheered him on like the world's best cheerleader. Getting him into the outfit wouldn't be an effort either.

He smiled to himself as he drove in silence, longing for his husband. Both had been a little busy with work: Jacob had to plan and coordinate places for his comedy, along with an impromptu photoshoot for billboards featuring that smirk with an actual price tag. Adam could never remember how much it cost net-worth wise, but it was a little ridiculous. He passed one and smiled. His husband was so freaking phenomenal he nearly couldn't believe it.

Then again, his life partner was a talented, hilarious and attractive man. His boyish qualities heightened at home, he loved to make Adam laugh. He was his rock and vice versa; there was nothing Adam wouldn't do to make Jacob even smile.

He pressed on the gas a little harder. He wanted to see Jacob now.

Finding Jacob in the living room by himself wasn't too out of the normal, but him being cocooned in a blanket and giggling at a cartoon hysterically was.

His sandy hair was as messy as usual, and some of it was even dangling in front of his eyes. Most of his freckles being hidden made Adam immediately disappointed, but that face couldn't obscure them. Dotted over his cheeks and under his eyes were the freckles that snatched the breath from his lungs. He was just so damn adorable.

Jacob shifted and sighed, unaware of Adam's presence, then poked out a hand to check his watch.

Adam raised a suspicious eyebrow and observed him. For one thing he was high as all hell, he could see it in his movements. The faint smile that stayed warmed his heart and he crossed over to kneel in front of him as commercials came on. "I'm home, Jack. How are you doing?"

Jacob's eyes drifted to him and he lifted a bit. "I missed you. I'm watching cartoons."

"I can see that." Adam couldn't help his full smile at Jacob when he shifted closer to the edge of the couch with those puppy dog eyes.

The burning in his chest got worse when his drowsy Jacob shyly muttered, "Can you come rub my head like you do sometimes? I miss you, I need cuddles."

He nodded and Jacob clumsily got up to give Adam his spot of honor. He laid his head sweetly on his thigh and mumbled he loved him so, so much. Adam nearly burst into confetti but rubbed under his ear instead with an adoring thumb. "I love taking care of you. I love you, Jacob."

As the cartoon turned back on, Jacob wrapped arms around his leg to lock him in place. "Mine."

Adam chuckled. That was a bit of a rumble, a declaration to the world as much as a warning. "Yours. No one else's, I promise."

He sniffled and buried in his head into his thigh restlessly, like he didn't believe him. He was a little whiny too. He just got like this sometimes. "Baby?"

Jacob sat up like he was possessed and crawled over Adam's lap to sit and bury his head into his chest. He was wearing his pajamas still at 4:45, with his "special" blanket tucked underneath the comforter.

Adam knew Jacob's horror story childhood: the 13 years of incestual rape from his father and the mother who had known and let it continue in favor of drugs... But Jacob had persevered. He'd gone to therapy, he'd gotten his degree at the same prestigious performing arts school Adam had been at when they'd met. When the romance blossomed Jacob had been so afraid to tell Adam he was distinctly not like himself.

*

Two and a half years earlier, Adam felt his insides brighten looking at the goofball headed his way he was sure that by now he was sincerely in love with. "Hey, Handsome."

Jacob smiled weakly, a small blush appearing. "Hey, yourself. I..." He swallowed and tugged him closer by hand. "I have to tell you something before I fall completely in love with you."

It was so blunt for the jokester Adam let himself be led until they reached his dorm. Jacob locked it and pressed his forehead against the door for a moment, drawing in a shaky breath. "Adam..."

He was concerned. "Jacob, what's the matter? Talk to me."

The Brit turned and blinked tears out of his eyes. "Hold me one more time."

"I'm going to be holding you for the rest of my life if you let me," Adam protested, bringing him close.

Jacob shook his head and broke down. "You're gonna l-leave me. I-I know-w it."

Adam picked him up bridal style, mentally preparing himself to do it for real because there was nothing that could be revealed that would make him hate his boyfriend. "Let's cuddle."

"I don't know how you lift me." Jacob laughed tearfully as he was set down on the bed. "I'm a whole six inches and at least 80 pounds heavier than you."

Adam ignored him in favor of a kiss, tasting the tears on his tongue. "It's okay, I'm here."

Jacob's eyes welled with more as he stood abruptly. "I need to pace."

Adam took his spot and watched him work himself up. He'd never seen Jacob so distressed and upset, but quietly he was thankful for the experience. Not only did he now need to know, Jacob wanted him to. He wanted to share something so personal that he had to bring him into his bedroom and was now re-locking the door. "I have to tell you what happened to me."

Adam's heart dropped. "Today? Who? What happened?!"

Miserably he shook his head. "Years ago. I should be over it."

"Over what?" Suddenly he felt cold and horrified. His mind was thinking the worst and the more he thought about it, the more he tried to make it not make sense. "Jacob?"

"One time, when I was little— i-it was after school..." He swallowed and stopped for a moment as the memory played behind his eyes, or tried to. "I think I had won an award? I-I don't remember. But... my mom left and my dad came into my room... to read me a bedtime story." Adam saw him become embarrassed even though he knew where this was going now and he had no reason to be embarrassed. "I picked out a Madeline book,.. and he read it... but—," He paused and clenched his fists so hard he was sure it hurt. "He touched me the whole time."

He dove into the story like the visualizer he was. Jacob spoke with an air of intelligence now, he knew which parts to describe and which didn't need as much exposition. When he did describe parts, it was disjointed, only meant to move the story along through stages while he struggled a battle of wills to tell someone. Adam thought maybe he was the first person Jacob had told.

The story was graphic. It was downright wretched, gut-wrenching, nauseating. Adam hurt so badly for Jacob, especially when he went from voice cracks and trembling to numb. Halfway through his lively, ardent, candor having boyfriend just shut down entirely.

His green eyes went dark like a screen cutting off. Bags appeared under his eyes as if telling the story was sucking the very marrow from his bones. He stopped pacing and just leaned against the door, speaking in a monotone and dead voice. "I had to leave London or... I'm afraid he would've never stopped. He's... disgusting when it comes to reappearing in my life either in person or calls. Sometimes I think... I think he still wants to try, but— I just wanted you to know that I'm damaged. I know we've already done stuff, but I wanted you to know I'm broken."

Adam was paralyzed for a moment. With the way his mind worked, he couldn't unsee the movie as it was laid out for him in front of his eyes. How could someone be so cruel to a child? The emotional abuse, the mental abuse... Bile rose in his throat at the insane extent of the sexual abuse his boyfriend had suffered. He hated that he thought maybe it made sense with the way he acted about sex. Sometimes Adam could tell it was less about wanting to be intimate and more like he was looking for comfort in a form he was used to.

But he'd had no idea.

His fingers moved against the quilt, searching for a sensation outside of his body. He needed to ground himself, and finally something more clever than 'I'm sorry' fell from him. "Jacob, you know it's not your fault, right?"

The man looked at him with surprise. "What?"

Adam stood and approached him carefully, aware that he might be touch-averse after such a traumatic trip down memory lane. "I said it's not your fault. None of that was your fault, you're told the whole story like it is."

His lip trembled and he pressed a hand to his mouth to stop the sob that wanted to erupt. "I- How is it not my fault?" Adam stared and he continued heartbrokenly, "I had to have been doing something for him to do it so long. Why else would it have been me?" Now he was holding back tears so hard his face was bright red, he looked like he was in pain and Adam had no trouble believing that. He'd just had a 'Why me?' moment out loud. He couldn't relate but he could try.

Wrapping a gentle hug around him and tightening it, he murmured against his neck, "Jacob, it's not your fault. Nothing that happened, happened because you provoked or deserved it."

He hugged him back and started bawling. "I'm s-sorry!"

"For what?! You didn't ask for any of that, you could not have consented even if you did and you didn't! You were a baby!" Adam exclaimed fiercely, feeling a protective surge he knew he'd be feeling for the rest of his life. In that moment the only thing he was sure of was that he would love Jacob forever. "What can I do for you?"

His murmur seemed to calm him a little. "C-Can you rub under my ear?"

He reached up a tender hand to rub and Jacob let out a sound of release, even as he cried. "Come cuddle me." They laid down with Jacob on top of him, clinging desperately. "You're not broken, you're colorful."

Jacob shifted. "Colorful?"

Adam nodded quickly. "When I was going through my shit, I kept thinking of myself as broken. I think I gaslit myself until it was true. It's why it's hard for me to... emote." Back when he was 9, they thought he was just depressed. They were right, he was also just autistic. It was just so hard to express much out loud, so he expressed it with his heart when he was able. "Then one night on acid I started thinking about babies like blank canvases. When you're born, your canvas is pure white. The more experiences you have, the more colors you get. Red for things that make you angry, black for when you feel lost, green for trauma, etc."

Jacob coughed out a laugh. "Why is trauma green? That's my favorite color!"

"I guess I think of it like fertility," Adam mused, rubbing under his ear again. "How much green you have makes you susceptible, or fertile, to becoming someone really fucking terrible..." He lifted Jacob's head to look into his eyes. "Or someone like you."

Jacob sniffled and nuzzled into his hand further. "I only moved on because it was destroying me. Or I'm trying to anyways."

"That ended only five years ago and spanned over most of the rest of your childhood! That's way more than half of your life. That's not enough time to expect yourself to get over it." Adam frowned deeply, kissing over Jacob's nose and then moving to his cheeks and finally, those pretty lips. "I don't expect you to be perfect. I don't want you to. I wish... I wish it didn't happen and I wish I could fix it. But your canvas is so beautiful. I want to see all the colors. I love all the colors."

"But—,"

"But nothing." Adam kissed him again with so much passion that by the time they pulled apart, neither could open their eyes for a moment. "I love you, Jacob. Not in spite. Not because I feel obligated. Just because I do. You're so brave. I don't know if I could've survived what you have and still ended up such a strong, precious, loyal man."

Jacob smiled microscopically, but his eyes were practically glowing. He let out a tumultuous breath and mumbled, "I don't think I can describe the depths of how much I love you. I want no one else, I can't even look. I'm yours until you throw me in the rubbish."

He really was loyal. More than once Adam would be in between classes and seeing some girl flirting with his man while he awkwardly rejected their advances. Adam had never felt jealous until he had Jacob, sometimes it was unbearable though he never spoke much of it out loud. He was attractive in a youthful, fun kind of way, but under that there was a mature and highly intelligent man. It felt like everyone wanted a piece. But the envy was always dashed to pieces when Jacob would see him watching and his smile would reach his eyes. He'd brighten so much and straight up end the conversation to grab his hand and thank him for getting him away. "You're so handsome, can I walk you to class?"

It was more than Adam could handle. Jacob just couldn't look at anyone else. No matter how beautiful or attractive the man or woman, Jacob only had eyes for Adam. He felt the same way. There was no one like this man in the world.

"I won't throw you in the trash, I need you," Adam teased with a kiss to his nose and up the bridge.

He sparkled and shined up at him, the praise lifting his spirits. "You mean it? You won't leave me?"

"Never."

*

Now he sat on Adam's lap and kissed at his neck lovingly, mumbling he loved him again. Jacob had a habit of saying it constantly, and Adam had a habit of saying it back constantly. Jacob often mused that being abandoned by his parents meant he'd never had anyone to love on and now he was detoxing.

Adam just thought Jacob was the most loving person he'd ever met.

Adam grinned and tugged out the blanket to rub against Jacob's cheek. It was ridiculously soft, and Jacob dripped sweetness that gave him tooth rot at the happy giggle he made. He laughed like a man, but he wasn't fooling anyone. "Baby, you're so sweet. I think I'm gonna die from how precious you are."

He pulled up and turned a deep crimson. Adam loved making him blush so hard, so he allowed himself to blush right back. "You're blushing," Jacob pointed out softly. "I've still got it."

Adam snorted and poked at his side. "You have your blankie. Did you just wanna be babied for today?"

Jacob rolled his eyes as more blood rushed to his face. "N-not funny. I'm not a Little," He lied. He pressed his lips to Adam's cheek in bunny kisses that made him swoon. "I just am a little high and sleepy... And I wanna be babied."

Holding back a laugh and a complaint, Adam intercepted his lips. "Come let me bathe you."

"I'm gonna pass out if you don't stop teasing me," Jacob grumbled.

Adam shook his hair out of his eyes, then deciding that wasn't enough and brushing it aside so Jacob could clearly see the infatuation in them. "I'm not kidding. You're tense all over, let me give you a bubble bath and a nice rub down."

Jacob's eyes glassed over at his tone, he could see the tendrils of the spell he'd put on him just by showing him his eyes. Adam only let a select few see his eyes in full view, and it was a seldom occasion as it is. "Can I bring my blanket?"

"Not in the tub, goofy," Adam laughed. "I'll have it tossed in the drier with some dryer sheets so the second you're done it'll be warm."

Jacob nodded and laid back down to rest. "Okay."

That blanket was also on his mind lately. It wasn't a baby blanket, not really. Not technically. But it had a name, Nugget, or Brian for formal. Jacob's humor edged on deadpan sometimes, he was so ridiculous. It was a comfort item and it shared the bed with them every night. Adam fucking loved that blanket, and it was precious to see it tucked into his belt when he'd be home for the day.

The rich, lush fabric was Adam's doing, he'd brought him to a craft store and the way Jacob reacted when his fingers brushed over it stole a bit of Adam's lack of feeling. He paused, brows furrowed but rising into a gentle smile, and then he rubbed his full hand on it.

*

"Could I use you for curtains and become a curtain-twitcher like my old Nan?" He'd mumbled with his British cantor, a sign he was taken off guard.

Adam had been across the aisle, lost in his thoughts as he stared at various chains and then the mirror next to them showing his partner. A very small few knew he made his own accessories, he was good at it. But Jacob's voice caught his ear and he walked impulsively to wrap an arm around him and stare down at the sample. "It's green."

Jacob chuckled. "What would I even use it for? I don't want to use it for curtains."

"Do you want some, Jacob? I can find a use." He also happened to be good with sewing machines. "I can make you something."

Jacob shook his head but he didn't stop stroking it. "I don't need it."

Adam watched as he struggled to leave it behind. It broke his heart, the happy flush was disappearing into a longing stare that eventually turned into a wistful sigh.

When he finally walked away, Adam bought the entire thing and asked them if he could bring it out of the back for a surprise. They weren't supposed to but they let him anyways when he pointed out the famous comedian as his fiancé.

Being a ghost singer was great in that aspect: People didn't recognize that their favorite song was not sung by who they thought, but in fact by the brooding goth in the corner of the party it was playing at. People did however more often than not recognize his husband enough to get perks.

At home he'd asked Jacob to go look at his oil with a tiny fib that he was planning on getting it changed soon. The second he disappeared Adam raced to the trunk and ran it inside.

When he'd brought it freshly done to Jacob while he was sick, the man had opened his eyes as the soft fibers coddled and warmed him from his chills. He bunched it up in his hands and brought it to his cheek to rub, then wearily shooting up to bury his head in Adam's shoulder and cry his thank you. He was having such a rough time during that period, and the comfort the texture provided had lifted some of the burden.

Adam had also gotten a silk lining for it, to make it like a baby blanket. If he was being honest, he loved when Jacob got dependent and needy. He loved taking care of him, he loved when he stumbled around after him tiredly to follow him wherever he went. Like a lost puppy, he'd accompany him into the kitchen to watch him cook and sit on the island stool ready for taste testing, he'd follow him into the bathroom and rub his blanket against his cheek as he dozed against the wall, he'd tug on his arm at the computer to please come hold him while it was clutched in his other hand. An ever present pout and an ever present sleepy breed of Jacob that just wanted to relax and snuggle fed the part of Adam that yearned to take care of someone.

An incredibly rare breed of Sleepy Little was what he was, no matter what excuse Jacob used.

His body was scrawny and tall but built, the muscle under his skin rose and fell with Adam's fingers as he undressed him. The bath was near too hot, but not quite. Bubbles foamed over the top because Adam had a habit of zoning out when he poured in the soap. Something about watching the bubbles foaming into existence called to his mind. He wanted to equate the bubbles being born, to life somehow, to trauma. Turmoil, maybe.

Jacob slid into the bath and a soft huff of content made Adam smile. "You comfy, baby boy?"

He nodded weakly. "I was having flashbacks today. You make everything better."

He scooted forward and Adam slipped in behind him, his cold body causing sharp prinpricks of shock over his feet especially as he sat. "I'm so glad. That's all I wanna do."

They napped for a tiny bit, really more like a snooze. His arm draped over Jacob's shoulder and Jacob leaned on his side against him comfortably, legs tucked close to his chest. They'd gotten a big bath by happenstance and thus a new habit was born: they bathed together.

Adam kissed the top of his head and he turned, bringing cool air to his chest. Sometimes they just liked to make out in the tub. Jacob would meet his lips gently, again and again until both were caught in them and each other. The love flowed between them smoothly and tongues slipped out to taste it. Adam's mouth supposedly always felt cool to Jacob's. He assumed it must when Jacob's felt so hot.

His lips wandered down Adam's cheek and to his neck. Not trying to start anything, but worshipping him. "I'm sorry, I have to say it again: I love you."

"I'll say it back every time. I love you, too." Adam chuffed as Jacob's tongue found him there. "I love being gay. This is awesome."

Jacob broke into quiet laughter, his tenor buzzing against the porcelain. "Me too."

Adam brought him up for another kiss and indulged. He took his time, he cherished Jacob and everything that he was. Teeth lightly bit his lip before he moved on, he had just wanted to hear his breathing go shaky and it worked. He pulled away only to flick his tongue against his bottom lip again in a quick apology.

Jacob opened bright green eyes to stare at him in a haze. "Holy shit."

He grinned. "Yeah? That good?" When he nodded he giggled and did it one more time, this time rubbing under his ears on both side and slowing down even more. The sound of their lips meeting was his second favorite sound. "I've still got it," He teased, smiling as Jacob produced his favorite sound, his laughter. "Now sit still."

The water was now just warm enough that he could wet Jacob's skin further without discomfort as he worked. His hands lathered the soap against him and he breathed out a little sound when he grazed his neck. Now he was soapy and pretty, bubbles lightly coating his chest up to those nearly elvish ears. Even with the lather he could see freckles poking out on his arms and it made his heart stutter.

Jacob glanced away bashfully. "You're staring at me."

"I can't help it, I'm in love with you," Adam professed achingly.

His brows nearly shot off his head. "Whoa. That was... so romantic. What's gotten into you?"

Adam shushed him softly, working water into his hair until he purred and his eyes slipped shut with one last amused look. Shampoo was next, and Adam giggled when Jacob sniffled and sneezed. "You're using way too much soap, man."

"I'm sorry! I like the sensory," Adam chuckled. "Lean back so I can rinse it out."

"It'll take eons to wash it out. We need a fire hydrant." An eye opened. "I'll just have to seduce my favorite little fire hydrant."

Adam ignored him in favor of shaping his hair into a mohawk and laughing at him. "This is a good look for you. I should put you on the catwalk like this next time."

Jacob grumbled that he was an asshole, but couldn't resist the skilled hands that were washing him down. The moment was intimate and he knew Jacob was already getting sleepy again.

A nice and fluffy towel rubbing him dry had him lifting into the touch and panting softly. Jacob was just touch sensitive due to his trauma, he'd possibly be that way forever. His blanket being returned brought his eyes to a starkly colorful, very happy hazel. "I like these PJ's but I have no idea why I let you dress me like I'm two..." Adam turned to watch him curl into himself tighter. "I don't know why I like it."

Sensing a minor panic, Adam wrapped him in his arms. "You deserve to regain the sense of comfort you lacked as a child, with no strings attached. I'm more than happy to give it to you."

Jacob practically tried to climb inside of him he was pressing so hard into him, then giggled airily. "No more thinking. Lie with me."

"Anything you want."