Jacob rolled over to rest his head on Adam's chest and he was gone.

His eyes shot open in a panic, there was always worry that something bad had happened, that his mental health had dropped out of nowhere and as he looked around the concern grew. He stopped testosterone around three months ago due to health problems, but he was just about ready to start up again and had been excited even last night about it. "Adam?"

Shuffling, somewhere across the house but muffled. Thank the stars the air conditioning wasn't on so he could hear through the dead silence.

He rushed out and paused. "Adam, talk to me. What's going on?"

"Please just..." Jacob could nearly imagine him clenching his fists as his upset reached levels he couldn't fit into his body anymore. "Don't perceive me."

"I'm going to perceive the fuck out of my husband, Adam," Jacob tried to joke lightly. "Come on, at least let me mope with you. I've been working on more reasons to hate myself."

There, a closet door in the guest room opened and Jacob slowly approached it. He felt a flicker of guilt because when he couldn't see Adam sometimes he worried he must have been hiding because he was self harming. Over and over he begged the universe,

"Please don't let me find my husband covered in blood."

Jacob braced himself and kicked the door open a little bit further. "Room for one more?"

Adam wouldn't look at him, and for someone who liked to casually stare at Jacob that was a little disturbing. His knees were tucked up to his chest, he looked like he'd been sobbing for hours under his breath. "I look like a mess."

He wiggled in next to him anyways, he liked the empty closets for different reasons than to cry. Sometimes he needed to be surrounded by nothing when he did morning puzzles and arithmetic to keep his mind sharp, or just to wait for Adam to come home. "You look like my husband. Give me your wrists, luv."

He felt the hostility before Adam growled, "Why? Abyss is under your pillow."

Hurt but insistent, Jacob moved to sit in front of him and snap his fingers. "Hey, I don't fuck with your tone. Give me your wrists."

For a split second Adam took in a deep and tumultuous breath like he was ready to have a meltdown, but they caught eyes and he saw how terrified Jacob was. He let him see how scared he was because he hated the idea of putting him in a hospital with allowed mealtimes and hostile people. His husband wasn't delusional, he was just depressed and maybe dysphoric but he loved him so much.

Jacob dropped his fingers to the hand Adam had displayed with an upturned wrist. He'd been fooled a couple of times before, he had to double check with touch when Adam had so many years of experience doing it just right. He was 3 years self harm free but like Jacob had relapsed with cocaine, he couldn't hold it against Adam if he did too.

Fingers ran down them to check for extra warmth, indentations, any injury at all, but his eyes stayed locked with Adam's in a tense silence.

He then checked the other side and choked up. He didn't need to look, he just pulled Adam into a hug. "I'm so proud of you," He sobbed. "I'm so proud of my strong man."

Adam, undoubtedly numb so he could handle the demeaning task of being checked for cutting, mumbled, "Come on, be serious. I... I'm still trans. I could never—,"

Jacob pushed him back and pinned him. "No, no, go on. Look me in my eyes and tell me you're not my husband." He was crying more now but he didn't care. "It's on our marriage certificate. We get benefits for being a gay couple. But lie to me then, if it will make you feel better. All it does is make me feel like you don't want me anymore." Adam sniffled too, eyes growing glassy as he tried to think of anything to say. "I'm sorry I just..." Jacob got up to pace outside of the closet, it was too small to fit his thoughts into. "I don't understand it like you do but... you are the most handsome man inside and out I've ever met. Really, you're not pretty like a woman, you're handsome and pretty like a man. You can bench more than I can, you eat better, you..."

A chill swept over him and he stopped to crawl back into his arms. Adam needed him closer, it was almost like he'd asked him to slow down and be held. Even when he was the most broken and depressed he could get he hated when Jacob got upset.

Jacob turned his head to smell him, not the cologne or faint body wash but Adam as a person, and felt obsessed about it. Adam smelled like his home, like safety to the furthest extent and just generally like the man Jacob trusted with his soul. "You know having a dick doesn't make you a man, right?"

"No."

"Do you consider Oliver a man?" Jacob sat up and grabbed his shoulders to shake when he didn't answer. "Hey, darling, answer me."

He shook his head. "Of course not. I'd kill him if he so much as looked at you again."

Jacob needed to be held so he brought his arms around himself. "You protect me. When I need you, you're there. You support me, you love and cherish me and we can't hardly even fight." He huffed and kissed at his neck when he didn't respond. "At least let me make you food for Daddy's Day."

It hit Jacob like a fucking train: so hard he was paralyzed and speechless.

He pulled back and Adam's eyes were a little brighter watching his expression take form. What exactly was today called? Father's day, right, but it was such a random day for his husband to be this upset. He had a great father. And... he'd been getting so much better with dysphoria, and to be dysphoric today of all days to the point of tears?
"...Adam?"

Adam broke eye contact and the tiniest anxious smile broke out. "I have something to tell you."

His voice was scratchy but his cheeks went red. He looked scared. He looked nervous and excited and shocked. Jacob searched his face harder and squeezed his shoulders. "What?" He started to smile too, he couldn't help it. "You know you can tell me anything. Even if it's a surprise..."

He tipped his head this way and that, avoiding Jacob's eyes. "Don't get too excited, you're gonna grow a tail."

The callback was so deeply rooted in Jacob a fireworks display went off inside of him. Jacob wanted to hug tackle him, but his hands ran over his chest down to his stomach instead.

Adam swallowed and stared behind him. He'd never seen Adam this avoidant and never had Jacob ever been able to shut up for this long. Actually it was really hard, Jacob had to tap his stomach again to get him out of his head.

The moment grew unbearably heavy for a split second that lasted an eon.

Finally, his husband nodded very slowly. "Yeah."

Oh stars, Jacob had to put a hand over his chest to see if his heart would stop suddenly. When it didn't, he looked up at him and smiled so big his cheeks hurt. "Okay," He started cautiously, brows tenting with effort to act normally. "Now what?"

Adam raised his eyebrows and his smirk was fully released. "Come on, now. Be serious."

Jacob growled and pretended to strangle him until Adam laughed. "You have to tell me what's next so I can act accordingly! Stop dragging it out!" He shouted over more laughter.

"We said we didn't need kids... but I'm already in love," Adam whispered achingly.

So was Jacob. "We're having a goth comedian baby!" He cried at the top of his lungs.

Adam burst out laughing and fell backwards, and like any good husband, Jacob followed him down to start getting to know his new baby on the way. "Hello, darling. You're about to be born into greatness." Then up to Adam, "Holy shit, you're gonna be a father."

He choked up and groaned, "Goddamnit, that was s-so sweet!"

Jacob couldn't agree more but he climbed on top of him anyways to snuggle. "Are we really keeping the baby?"

Adam rubbed his hair and kissed his head. "You'll always be my baby," He answered instead humorously. "If you're okay with being a dad just this one time while we're young and have already done so much, I want this baby. I didn't think I would but I do."

His husband slipped out of his arms and out of the closet without another word. Adam sighed and banged his head against the wall. He didn't not expect Jacob to get a little jealous at the idea of having someone else to take up Adam's free time and babying, but he did expect his excitement to be longer lived before that set in.

His hand slipped under his shirt to imagine a microscopic zygote being built cell by cell into something that would one day be in his arms and depend on him for their life. He was fascinated by the process.

But if Jacob wasn't as intrigued as he was...

He heard running and then sliding as Jacob grabbed the knob again and used his hip to bustle in with his arms full. "Okay, the idea of a baby only makes me uncomfortable because of... my childhood. But I could be a better father than Oliver in my sleep, and dammit, I'm already in love too."

Adam watched in awe, noticing tears streaming down his face that he was either too hyper to acknowledge or didn't notice while he rambled on. "You're crying."

"Baby books, I may have been hoarding baby books," He revealed, dropping a massive baby name bible onto Adam's lap. "And I happened to get my hands on a What To Expect When You're Expecting book, but the trans version! I got baby fever like, a few months ago because I saw a baby on an ad on Pinterest for those cute diaper commercials and thought he looked like us and I just filled with all these feelings, b-but! But I went to therapy about it in case it happened. I'm..."

Adam caught him before he fell over sobbing. "There you go, Jack. Cry it out." He kissed under his ear and pulled him onto his lap animatedly. "You're gonna be such a good Dad, baby. I promise."

Eyes still full of tears he grabbed his hand to trap so he could cuddle it. "What if I'm not?"

"Well then I'll kill you."

They both started laughing at Jacob's immediate sigh of relief and then tore into everything Jacob had laid out.

When Jacob handed Adam the baby name bible he pushed it away carefully. "I wanted to know if your grandfathers name was Jacob."

The Brit grew downcast. "He's still alive, and yes but Jack for short." Then he brightened. "Why?"

Adam couldn't control his smiles today. "Then we already have a name."

He tried to hide his blush with a disgusted look. "Ugh then people are going to call him Jr and as a gay man I hate that for him."

"Jack The Second would be his name, legally." Brushing his dark hair aside, he gave Jacob his full eyes. "Jack II is a perfect name because he'll be ours, and I can only hope he'll be just like you. I want him to love like you and laugh like you."

Jacob nosed down to kiss his stomach thoughtfully. "Jack The Second. Very British." His green eyes sparkled up at Adam's. "I... I approve."

*

It took Jacob four weeks of riding a high to realize one big issue.

He'd been giving Adam his morning dose of zofran after it became apparent very quickly that Adam was prone to bad morning sickness. The meds helped him be a little more cheerful about their coming baby. "I need you to remember this is going to have a lot of ups and downs."

Jacob glanced up at him as he screwed the cap back on. "I need you to remember I'm not stupid. You're giving me the largest gesture of love you can give at the expense of your mental stability." He kissed his forehead gently, adoring how his skin was softer. "I will be here for every 'You did this to me', every 'I hate you and I hate this baby' and every moment of all encompassing misery. You'd do the same for me."

Adam started crying and clung to him. "I love you. I'm sorry."

Jacob was about to say he loved him, too, but paused. "How do you know it's a boy?"

His partner started laughing. "I guess we need to pick girl names then."

"I love you, too."

So they spent that evening after sort of arguing about names. They weren't being too loud or aggressive about it, but Jacob couldn't believe Adam's suggestion. "Ella?! That's not good enough."

Adam half laughed, half growled. "Dammit, Jacob. It's British!"

"Who cares?! Cause I don't!" He dramatically collapsed onto the floor and glared at the ceiling. "Stella."

"So you'll take Stella but leave Ella?" Adam groaned and dropped his head in his hands. "I hate Stella as a baby name."

They started wrestling but quickly Adam found that he was letting him win and slouched out of it. "You won't even play with me anymore," He sulked miserably. "I still wanna wrestle."

Jacob crooned at him. "I'd love to fist fight you in the snow right now, but I have to also be looking out for our baby. So do you," He reminded him. Adam bit him and he bit him right back. "You're so stubborn, Adam. You don't wanna do anything but how you wanna do it, huh?"

Adam gasped suddenly and pressed his hands to his cheeks. "Oh my god. You just gave me an idea but I'm so scared you won't like it."

Jacob held his breath for a moment and let it out. "I promise I won't call you an idiot this time."

"And I promise I won't threaten to tear your balls off if you don't like this one." Adam grabbed his hands to interlace them. "If it's a boy, it's connected to your name. If it's a girl... Well, Lilith was the first Eve. I love the name Lilith. Stubborn, smart, beautiful... Because if we have a daughter she's going to be all of those things and more."

Jacob's eyes filled with tears as his lips curled in. "Wow. You nailed it." He pulled him in to cry on him and murmur, "I know it's selfish but I always wanted kids a tiny bit. Thank you for giving me the chance to break generational curses."

Adam smiled thinly and kissed over his heart. "We're gonna do a good job. Un pazo a la vez."

"One step at a time," Jacob repeated quietly.