Jacob found Adam crying and eating ice cream in a boiling hot bath. He stuck one foot in after undressing when Adam didn't acknowledge him and yanked back. "Blimey, Adam! You're gonna boil yourself, mate!"

His eyes turned up to him bloodshot and he grabbed him to pull him out. He was so hot to the touch, Jacob had to bite his tongue not to scold him too fiercely. "How long have you fucking been in here?!" He laid him down and ran his hands over his skin, noting how red it was turning as terror crept up his throat. "Are you... trying to kill yourself?"

He shook his head after a moment. "Not really."

"That's not a good answer!" Jacob cried, eyes welling with tears. He had to take a cleansing breath not to start sobbing. "What happened?"

Adam sighed for a long time and then sat up weakly. "Just assholes. I'm... tired of being trans. I'm so sick of being hated." He slumped into Jacob's arms. "It wasn't that hot. It's cold outside."

"Don't bother gaslighting me." Jacob pulled him up to look him in the eyes. "'Not really' means I'm going to either shackle nurse you or I'm taking you in. Anything that's not a strong no... is a yes." He grabbed Adam's phone and held it out of his reach to read through the screenshots. "I don't know why you save these," He muttered as a bit of bile rose. Then his heart sank. "They want you to skip my show?"

Adam wouldn't meet his eye anymore. He just grabbed the ice cream and laid on the floor. "That feels good. Hot and then cold."

Jacob pulled his head into his lap and dialed up his Head of Advertisement. "Hey, Alex. I'm going to say something you're not going to like."

There was shuffling and a little giggle before he answered professionally. "Darling, hurry it up. I was busy."

Jacob grinned a bit. Alex was technically working for him but he didn't treat him like he was, it was refreshing and nice but he couldn't feel much of that past the rage. "I want to cancel my show in Topeka." 

Adam scrambled up to protest but Jacob gave him a look he saved for occasions like this. He was upset to no end and furious, and he let that show. Alex gasped and started yelling that it was a week away, why would he do that when it was such a massive venue they'd had to fight for?

"Why'd I have to fight for it in the first place, Alex?" He asked coolly. "Be honest with me, now."

There was silence before he sighed. "Because you sent your gay advertisement guy to book your gay comedian show and we're gay."

He clicked his tongue restlessly. "Cancel it. I'm serious. And if there's a place you can say why, I'll send you a video to post."

He could almost hear him rolling his eyes. "Okay, I guess you have more coming up before your next hiatus so whatever. Tell Adam I said hi."

Adam growled in frustration and buried his head in his hands. "Ugh, I'm 23! Why are these things still hurting my feelings?! They're just lonely basement dwelling keyboard warriors with no life! Why does it still hurt?!" He started to cry and then growled his frustration, Adam hated letting things like this make him cry.

Jacob pulled him into his chest and rocked him. "Whoever said sticks and stones is a fucking liar. That hurt my feelings too. I'm so sorry people are so ignorant." He kissed the top of his head and sniffled. "If I could make it all better, I would."

His husband pressed his lips to his neck and shivered. "Is it true?"

The urge overcame him and he whisked him away to drop on the bed and cover his body with his. Green eyes were stark with anger and hurt, but the glimmer of undying attraction could be seen there too. "Never ask me that again. Ever. I mean it." He trailed kisses from the top of his head and down to his feet and back up again on the other side. "I have a real man right here, why would I want anyone else?"

Adam sighed shakily. "But—,"

"Having a dick doesn't make you a man, Adam!" Jacob snapped. "I don't consider Oliver a man, I don't consider absentee fathers men, I don't consider people who beat their wives men, hell, I barely consider myself one." He collapsed on top of him and on instinct Adam rubbed under his ear to relax him when he was the one needing to be relaxed. "I can only fall in love with a man. I can notice when femmes are attractive but I'm just not interested like I used to be. So if I'm attracted to you, that must mean you're a man because I'm a whole faggot, Adam."

He gasped his sudden laughter. "Dude, that's a slur!"

"I'm calling myself a slur, very different," He assured brassily. "I'm a faggot and I'm proud. I'm proud of you and I'm proud of loving you and that's why I take you to the best Prides I can find every time it comes around: to show you off, my husband." He rubbed noses with him and groaned under his breath. "And... ugh, don't like, make this a big deal... but you're also the only man Jack trusts."

"Because I used to be a girl," He protested shallowly. "It's not the same thing!"

"But it is!" Jacob started to cry and rubbed at his eyes. He didn't expect the wave from emotion but it felt like Adam had shot down a confession of love, like he didn't even want it. "Jack doesn't know any better! You're his Daddy, doesn't that mean anything to you?! You're the only man he trusts to take— Ugh, I trust to take care of me like that! And I could never regress with a woman. Ever!"

Adam watched him quietly and grabbed his blanket to rub against his cheek. "Okay, I'm listening to you now Jack, okay? No more arguing."

"I h-hate when you do that to me!" He wailed through a quiet scream. "Your feelings and dysphoria are valid b-but my feelings about you are valid too and I needed a man in my life and then you came and everything got better! I'm more afraid of you leaving me for being such a mess." He pulled away and stared down at the palms of his hands. "I'm a total mess."

"Oh, Jacob," He sighed sadly. "No you're not. I-I'm sorry."

Jacob tightened his grip on him until he grunted. "Don't apologize. I'm not gonna leave you for a real man. I already have one. You take care of me when I'm sick, you always know how to make me feel better. Fuck those losers, they just want you for themselves cause you're hot and you fuck amazing and your hearts so big."

Adam huffed a half laugh and kissed his forehead. "You don't have to cancel the show, I'll go anyways."

"They threatened your life," Jacob hissed lividly. "The show is canceled and if it happens again, the show in that city will be canceled too. I do better when you're close and I can flirt with you."

He hummed under his breath. "I go to every show and end up laughing like I've never seen a single one. You're so talented."

Jacob kissed his chin gently. "Please don't leave me."

"It's impossible," He promised firmly. "I don't even think I could want to. I tried to hate and resent you in college and now look at me." He held up his hand and stared at his wedding band. "Married to you."

Jacob smiled at his own ring. "I feel like I cried the whole wedding."

"You weren't crying when I kissed you," He mused achingly. "We did kiss before vows though, my mom never shuts up bragging about it."

"Please don't kill yourself," Jacob begged suddenly, gripping at his shoulders as he felt his body go into a minor psychosis at the mere thought. "Please, please, please, Adam! I-I couldn't handle it! I couldn't handle finding you dead in any way until we're 86."

Adam shifted uncomfortably but nodded. "I will not kill myself, or do anything to encourage it to happen faster. We will die at 86, together, on the same day, minutes apart and not a second longer."

Jacob barely managed to get out, "Please promise me!"

Adam sat up suddenly and lifted his face to look into his eyes. They were inherently depressed, he recognized the coldness there. But for a second he could see his husband behind them. "I'm not going anywhere. I swear on everything I've ever loved or cared about. I promise I will not kill myself. You can make me promise every day if you want, and I'll never lie to you if I need help." He kissed him and laid back down. "Let's hold each other, as long as you'll tolerate it."

"First let's get you your heated blanket," Jacob murmured tenderly. "Let's take a nap."

*

At Jacob's next set, Adam was understandably nervous but he was escorted this time by body guards. One of them was a massive, baby faced looking guy with curly brown hair up in an immaculate bun. Adam wondered with anxiety how he could possibly beat someone up. He looked like a giant teenager who wouldn't hurt a blade of grass, let alone some conservative who might decide to pull out a gun. Maybe he was just for looks, he didn't know.

His shifty behavior heightened when they got near the front to his spot of honor. His husband was so wonderful to him: he always made for absolute certain Adam had the best seat in the house just off to his left. He could smile down at him briefly as Adam stared at him with wonder. Jacob could tell the worst joke in the world and people would go into cardiac arrest from laughing so hard.

He sighed aloud and slumped in his seat, he missed his silly Jacob. He wanted a kiss.

Just then, Jacob poked his head out and Adam's breath caught in his throat. He was so cute when he got all excited like that. He just loved comedy with everything he had, he loved to make people laugh.

The audience cheered and he rolled his eyes but couldn't get rid of that million dollar smirk. That only made it louder.

Then Jacob looked directly at Adam and made his way onstage towards him. For some reason Adam had a massive moment of gay panic, it felt like the first time Jacob had admitted having a crush on him a little more than three years ago. He sat at the edge of the stage and winked. "Hey, what's up?"

Adam went speechless and horribly shy. He couldn't turn it off but groaned, "Come on, man..."

Jacob threw his head back and laughed, then reached for a hand to pull him standing up. "I love you, you know that don't you?"

Adam nodded quickly and yearned to melt into his arms. "Can I have a hug? I don't want to ruin your set—,"

He pulled him in for a daring kiss and hummed into it. "I'm armed. That's like, 20% of my set today."

Pushing his head into his neck, Adam giggled breathlessly. "I love you, too, Jacob."

Jacob pulled his head back up for so many bunny kisses the audience started counting. He took his time with the last one and gazed down at Adam with adoring green eyes. "Nothing will happen to you, I promise."

His tone said he had taken measures Adam wasn't supposed to ask about, but he was telling him without telling him. "Okay, I trust you to protect me."

Jacob smiled at him largely and hopped down to push him back into his seat. "Can I sit on your lap?"

It was so random Adam just patted his thigh. "Of course, baby. You don't have to ask."

He snuggled up to him openly and nestled into his neck to smell his cologne. "Daddy, tell me I'm pretty."

Adam had to smile. It delighted him that not only was he becoming more comfortable with asking for this kind of attention but that he was doing it here. "Oh, Jack, don't you know you're the prettiest boy in the whole world?"

He sat up to blush at him with starry eyes. "I guess I do now."

One of the security guards was staring at them with wide eyes and Adam felt his gaze before he snapped his head to glare menacingly at him. Before he could speak though, Jacob did. "What? Do you need to be replaced without a paycheck?"

He cleared his throat and glanced around. "No. I have a Little of my own at home."

Jacob's eyebrow darted up for a second and his grip tightened on Adam's shirt as he gave the guard a wary smile. "How old?"

He sat back in his seat and smirked up at the curtain. "23."

Jacob's pocket started buzzing really hard and Adam jumped at the sensation. Jacob giggled and pulled out a pager enthusiastically. "I guess that's my five. I can't wait to snuggle you afterwards. I'll make you soul food."

Adam tapped his bottom. "If you make me soul food you're gonna get Little'd and worshipped."

He grinned and pulled himself back onstage. "Bet. I'm a little attention starved."

Adam laughed as he introduced himself and the audience gave him every iota of attention they had. There was no way his extroverted chatterbox of a husband was attention starved, he was starved of his husband.

"Before we start the show, I'd like to remind you guys that I am armed, but don't worry, I'm not American so I won't shoot up the place," He chuckled and patted his side. "My lovely husband is in attendance today, if that offends or angers you please leave now because I couldn't possibly care less. He's the love of every lifetime I'll ever have."

The audience swooned and applauded, all of them glancing around to see if anyone was leaving. Jacob had created a loyal fan base and with being openly queer, enemies too. Sometimes Adam caught a comedian using Jacob's jokes but in a derogatory way, it was only to make fun of his love life and be an asshole.

But his husband was undeterred. He went on to wisecrack and joke until Adam thought he was going to be sick from roaring with the audience in laughter.