I adjust my glasses and with a deep inhale I walk out of the bathroom.

Just as I step out, I'm greeted with various scents of food and then my eyes land on Adrien sprawled over one of the love chairs, going through his phone. The coffee table in front of him filled with all kinds of food. I wonder what he was thinking by ordering this much.

I walk to the nightstand, swallow my pills, and slide on my watch. By the time I turn around Adrien is sitting properly, his gaze on me.

I sit on the sofa to his right as he slides his phone into his pocket.

"I talked to my dad's assistant, he always does everything for us, my family, the visas and bookings shouldn't be a problem, he'll handle it, we just have to inform him beforehand," he says as he leans back into his seat.

"I told you, I want to go back home," I pointedly tell him, receiving a huff from him.

This is going to be a very long day, and with that, I lean forward and pick the nearest plate that happens to have scrambled eggs, and start taking small bites.

"I was thinking we should add US to our lists of places too," he says.

I look at him blankly, mostly because I don't want to show my irritation.

I put back the plate and pick a mug of coffee, "I said I don't-" I start.

But he waves his hand, interrupting me with saying, "I heard what you said, and no you won't."

I take a sip from my coffee, fixing my gaze on the view outside, the sky is bright blue, too bright, it hurts my eyes. "I didn't ask for your permission and it's not for you to decide," I flatly say.

I can feel my heartbeat fastening with anxiousness, maybe I shouldn't have said that? It was rude...

"I know you heard us that day," he suddenly says, making my head snap towards him. I can't stop myself before my eyes widen in complete surprise.

"It would've been impossible to miss us..." he starts, a beat of silence passes before he glances at me and adds, "Plus it was written all over your face."

Ashamed and embarrassed I look down at my coffee as I try to explain, "I didn't mean to eavesdrop," I start but before I get the chance to come up with more explanation he says.

"I know... it's impossible to not hear Ari's voice," he shrugs, then a smile creeps up to his face, "And you always happen to be in all the right places at all the wrong times,"

I swallow hard, as I try not to fall prey to my anxiety. "You said you wanted to talk," I manage to push myself to say.

"And I did say not here," He pointedly says.

I sigh and nod my head and then put down my coffee mug.

I push my glasses up, "Let's go then," I say and he slightly narrows his eyes, frowning.

"But you haven't even..." he starts but this time I interrupt him.

"I'm done, thanks," and with that, I stand up.

After a moment of hesitation, he gets up and we head out of my room.

We step into the elevator and instead of pushing the lobby button he pushes the highest floor, I try my best to hide my surprise.

I hope this isn't a wicked prank or something.

The elevator stops and we step out. In complete silence I follow him, going up a flight of stairs, but I can't help the anxious feeling building in the pit of my stomach. He starts shuffling around as we stop in front of an iron door until he finds what he needed, and opens the door. We step out onto the rooftop of the hotel.

I'm not scared of heights but I can't say I'm particularly fond of them either.

He slowly closes the door behind me and walks to the other side as I stand there in the middle and just try to be and feel.

The breeze caressing my face and exposed skin feels cool and calming. The sky is spotless blue, standing here, I can even see the pool and the lake glistening under the sunlight.

I take in a deep breath and try to push away my thoughts and anxiously rising heart rate.

Adrien places two chairs, a healthy distance away from the ledge.

l'appel du vide, the call of the void, the French call it. The feeling you get when standing near a ledge and contemplating whether you should throw yourself over it or not, in a completely healthy mental state.

I'm not very keen on testing this whole call of the void thing at the moment, given the circumstances, I don't think I'm in a state that can guarantee anything.

I don't trust myself.

I slowly make my way towards the chair, by the time I reach it, Adrien is already comfortably seated.

I can't help but wonder how he came across this place as I sit next to him, on my separate chair.

As if hearing my thought loud and clearly he says, "We came here a couple of times with dad, he usually holds his business meetings here... Jay came across here and then showed it to me," he says, all the while his gaze fix ahead, staring into the far distance.

As usual, I don't know what's the right thing to say... actually I don't know what to say at all, let alone for being right or wrong.

The moment of silence stretches on, I can't help but wonder why he brought me up here.

"He never mentioned this to you, did he?" He asks and looks at me.

I shift uncomfortably under his hard gaze, "No," I manage to say, my voice barely over a whisper. He only nods his head.

Once again silence wraps its claws around us as I fiddle with my fingers and keep looking anywhere but him.

This will not end well, I can already feel that.

"Were you ever curious, or I don't know... did it ever cross your mind that why I was like that for all those years?" He asks, and a moment later looks at me, his brows slightly drawn together.

The answer is every single god damned moment but instead, I say, "It's in the past now,"

He huffs as he looks ahead again, "That's not what I asked... the answer is either yes or no," he pauses and then looks at me. "Don't you want to know?"

I do... I've wanted to know for such a long time!

It's easier to accept and move on from those awful memories and haunting words when you know the reason... at least that's what I've been telling myself.

But do I truly want to know?

Some truths are better unsaid, unknown. Sometimes not knowing is bliss.

Am I strong enough to face the truth?

What if I won't be able to heal even after knowing it?

I don't know and there's only one way to find out.

"Do you want to tell?" I slowly ask.

He arches his eyebrow, "It's about time to clear out some misunderstandings. I will tell you all the things that you want to know, truthfully... but I want some answers in return, truthfully." He says.

I nod my head but can't push away the confusion building up in me... what does he want to know from me?

He glances at me, noticing my confusion, "You'll see" he says, his eyes roaming around.

I inhale sharply and make myself ready for whatever he might want to say... I mean how bad can it be?

He takes a deep breath as if making himself ready to say something hard, I wonder if it actually is hard for him too.

"Okay so..." he starts and then trails down looks at me, "This is harder than I thought." He says with a smile that doesn't reach his eyes as he scratches the back of his neck.

"You can start from the very beginning," I suggest which sounds pretty stupid the moment it leaves my mouth.

He nods his head, "Yeah... the beginning, for starters why were you homeschooled anyway?" He asks and I shrug, trying to hide my surprise.

I wasn't expecting that he would've remembered that I was homeschooled in elementary, and what does this have to do with anything?

"Mom and dad just thought that I might have the potential to study ahead," I reply.

Since he has made a deal for honest explanations, it would only be fair if I answer his questions truthfully.

I don't trust him, but then those two semesters back in college had a huge impact on our behavior towards each other. It still doesn't change my opinion towards him, but for that time's sake, I can try to not make this harder than it is.

He nods his head, "Well I certainly didn't even know you before that," he says with a crooked smile, that's true, "You know... Jay was always first, in everything..." he starts and heaves a sigh, it's still hard for him to talk about him.

I can feel the pang of pain shoot through my own heart every time he mentions his name. I can't imagine what he must have felt, still feels.

"Dad expected me to be the same, first in everything. Even in elementary." He huffs, rolling his eyes as he leans back into his chair, "And I was his perfect second son until you got homeschooled and next year showed up in my class. You should've been in third and I in fourth, but no! You had to skip a year and become my classmate!" He says with such a strong emotion laced with his voice that I'm starting doubt that the deep hatred he had towards me in high school has faded even a bit.

He chuckles when he sees my expression, shaking his head. "And you just kept coming first in almost everything, every time," he says, pausing, as he looks around and then fixes his eyes on me.

"I was second since then... every single time dad used to ask, 'son, what's your rank?' and every single time I had to say 'second,' and he always asked 'who is the first?' and every time I had to repeat the same name, 'Eleanor Evans' the girl who was always better than me." He says with a tight-lipped smile, "And every time I had to go through a long round of being humiliated that why can't I be like my brother, even for once... since fourth grade Eleanor," he says.

I don't look at him, actually, I can't. He had gone through the hell that Avery still goes through because of me and Theo... he had gone through that because of me.

"He always used to punish me, and every time it used to get worse. Every time that you got to be the first, I had to make myself ready for a whole week of disappointed looks from my family... it was only fair to hate your guts," he says with a smile.

I wonder how he's able to talk about it, I certainly couldn't. I can't even bring myself to look up at him as guilt wraps its fingers around my throat and heart... he had his own reasons and they were pretty valid considering the fact that he was only ten. And had an awful father.

I know that haunting disappointed look you receive from your loved ones all too well.

I wish things were different but I had to... because I had Theo instead of Jace... Avery always did everything to infuriate mom and dad, I had seen the rage and didn't want to face it under any circumstances, the only other option was to either be like Theo or better than him -at least in academics.

I swallow hard and ignore my racing heart and sweating palms, hoping that my voice wouldn't waver, "I'm sorry," I say softly as I look at him.

"It's not your fault, I was just so mad at dad, at Jay, and then at you... I just wanted to let out that anger, and you never used to say anything..." his voice trails down as he fixes his gaze on his hands. "It was wrong," he says and then locks his eyes with me "I took advantage of your silence, to make myself feel better."

"It's alright, it's in the past," I say with a small smile and look away.

I'm not a fan of eye contact, and I still can't understand why everyone is so fond of it.

"Well that's the reason why it started and continued till the end of middle school," he says.

I look up at him with surprise, end of middle school? He had other reasons to hate me after that?

A crooked smile plasters across his face, "I had a different expectation for our freshmen year," he says and his smile falls away. "I thought we could move past that whole kid's drama..." he starts, then shifts in his chair, fixing his gaze on me, his Adam's apple bobs again, "I wanted things to be different starting with us becoming friends, or at least stop the whole hating-bullying thing," he sadly smiles at me.

"But I didn't exist for you, you ignored me at all costs... and then two months into freshmen you and Jay were growing closer to each other as if you've known each other for decades, while you kept on ignoring me as if you were too good to even notice me, like I wasn't even in your standards to spare a word with. That annoyed the fuck out of me... it annoyed me enough to get me to the point where I wanted to show everyone that I'm better than you..." He says, his eyes burning holes into me.

"But mostly I just wanted to be seen... heard... maybe get a reaction out of you," he says, his brows furrowed.

I never looked at it like this... but how is it possible to not see the person who humiliated and bullied me?

"I avoided you," I softly say, making him look up to my face.

He huffs, "Why? You never even confronted me,"

Was I supposed to? But how?

He shakes his head, "I kept pushing you to see how far I can go before you backfire, before you stand in front of me... confront me, but you never did... it was like you didn't give a flying shit about me or my words to say something back, so I kept pushing." He says.

Pushing? He calls bullying me, pushing! Wow!

I look down at my hands, as I fidget with them, pushing away the hurt. Too many questions start swirling in my mind, but at the base, there is one thing, he isn't making sense.

All the girls in our grade and younger ones wanted to date him. All the guys were obsessed to be around him, then why did it matter I saw him or not? Why did it matter that I spoke to him or not?

Does he think I came between him and Jace?

He says I never noticed him, I never thought he would even care, why would he care? And how could I not notice him?

When I look up from my hands he is staring into the far distance, his mind somewhere else.

Notice him.

"You know," he starts, his throat bobs, "Jay used to always say you're different. That you can see things that no one cares to see, and you could understand anyone... You were with everyone like that, even James, or that douche you dated in college, but never with me," he looks at me, and for the first time, I gather my courage and look into his eyes.

I always thought he has the same eye color as Jace... the same blue, but his eyes are not blue, it's not even green it's something in between... aqua green or maybe jade. The green you get to see in crystal clear ocean, under sunlight.

"I never got to see this person my brother used to talk about all the time, was I not good enough for your time?"

I still can't understand why he cares so much?

"You know I tried to stop the bullying, especially the rumor and all the none sense that Avery started before Jay even told me to do anything... I tried to stop it but you thought Jace did it, because Adrien is not capable of being good, is that what you think about me, Eleanor?" The corner of his lips is turned upward, he's trying to hide what he's actually feeling, he's putting on a mask.

I did not know that, he's right... I always thought it was Jace. I look away ashamed, "I don't know what to think about you." I reply with the most honest thing I dare say aloud.

"That's a lie, you hate me," he huffs.

"I've told you before, I don't hate you..." my voice trails down.

How can I tell him I don't feel safe around him? That I fear any moment he's going to start humiliating me again, breaking me again.

I know he had his own reasons but I can't overlook the fact that he broke me through all those years.

I don't say it's all his fault. It was the circumstances he was in, his father, his whole family that led him to start that, but at the end of the day, he did ruin me and my life. He started it, all for his own selfish reasons, not once thinking about how it might affect me.

Maybe it's too much to ask, to expect someone to consider its behaviors' consciences, and how they might affect others. Maybe no one does that.

"I shouldn't have done that, I know, and I guess it's only fair if you hate me..." he says in a low voice.

This is the reason I was bullied all those years for? It can't be only this! That hatred in senior year high school can't be summed up because of these reasons. Not even for other years, he isn't telling me something... but what?

And then in college, spreading all those rumors about me.

That's not fair at all.

"Do you know how Jace died? Do you know why he died?" He suddenly asks.

I look at him surprised, his eyes have darkened, an emotion shadowing his features. Anger?

"It was a rainy night, the driver was drunk..." I start, as I fiddle with my fingers, fixing my gaze on them... The drunk driver got out of its lane, didn't see Jace's car... they said nothing was left from Jace's car, the truck completely smashed his car.

He huffs, I force myself to look back at him, "That is what everyone thinks," he says, his eyes ablaze as he locks his gaze with mine, "Jaceon died because of you," he slowly but clearly says the words.

Silence falls on us as his words sink in... Jace died because of me? But how?

+++

((Thank you for reading this chapter! Hope you enjoyed the chapter, don't forget to vote and tell me what you think about it! Especially comment your thoughts on Adi, El, and Jace.))