Day four

I spend the ten hours flight by reading and looking out of the window of my airplane, comfortable in my plush airplane seat. Excitement and nervousness drowned out all the other feelings, including the need to sleep.

When the plane smoothly lands on the ground, I can feel every cell in my body buzzing with excitement.

I adjust my bag pack but keep my hands on its straps, fiddling with them all the while as I get off the plane and enter the airport.

I try my best to push my nervousness aside, and ignore my heart thudding loudly in my chest as I spot my luggage and go through the usual airport process.

A lot of things could go wrong, and it's my first time coming here alone and third in overall. The other two times being when I came with my family and I was way too young, so I don't think they count.

Though this whole trip is about changing the way I am, to become a better me, and the first thing I need to fix is my god awful habit of overthinking everything.

I start to walk towards the exit, keeping an eye on the men holding papers with names on it.

Dad told me my uncle's driver will come here to pick me up.

Instead, when I walk farther out, my eyes land on my uncle himself, wearing a bright green polo shirt and white pants. A man, I'm guessing his driver, is standing next to him, holding white cardboard with my name printed on it boldly.

Relief washes through me as I walk to them with a wide smile across my face.

"Eleanor!" My uncle greets me, wrapping an arm around me. "Look at you! All grown up." He says, patting my back.

The man standing next to him gets my suitcase and we start to walk towards his car.

He pushes his sunglasses up as he looks at me with a bright smile. The sky is a clear light blue with the sun shining in the middle of it.

"I didn't see you at Theo's ceremony." He says and I nod my head.

"I had exams," I explain and the man opens the black Mercedes' door for me. I sit in it and my uncle climbs in from the other side.

"I was surprised when Michael called and said he's sending you here alone, but you, my child, made a very good choice of coming here. Though why do you want to stay in the hotel? You can stay as long as you want in our house, we all would love to have you there." He says with a kind smile and the car sets on the road.

I smile back at him and say, "I know, that's very kind of you but I just want to feel like traveling." Nervously fidgeting with my fingers, I don't know if I make sense or not, I hope I do.

He just nods his head and chuckles at me, "Alright then, don't let your old uncle ruin your fun. Your hotel room is ready but you have to spend a night or two with us."

I smile at that and agree.

The rest of the ride is spent by small talks, the places I should visit, and in the end how college was and what my plans are.

We reach my uncle's hotel, the traffic considerably lighter than New York, or maybe it's just because it's ten in the morning.

We head to his workroom, so if I ever needed him I would know where to find him. In the end he says I must be jet-lagged and tells one of his employees to guide me to my room.

When I get to my room, my luggage is already placed in the middle of the spacious room. I let go of the breath I didn't know I was holding, and plop down on the bouncy bed.

The memories of Theo and I jumping around and playing here while we were young floods my mind, warming my heart and making me giggle.

I was so carefree and naïve back then.

Life was so easy when I was a kid.

And back then I thought adult life would be fun.

I take off my bag pack, find my phone, and text Theo I'm settled in my room.

I walk to the windows and push the curtains to the other side and look outside. The pool is glimmering under the sunlight, in the distance, the lake can be seen, with Jet d'Eua standing tall in the middle. In the far horizon, the blue of the lake melding with the blue of the sky.

I sigh and start unpacking, I don't know how long I'll be staying here or even where my next destination will be.

It makes me anxious, not knowing what my next step, my next destination will be, but I want this year to be challenging, I want to challenge myself so I can change.

I hope.

I push my doubts to the back of my mind as well as the dark and negative ones.

After finishing packing I fall back on my bed and in no time I'm in a deep slumber.

***

Day five

I wear a blue polo shirt and white pants, adjust my watch and glasses one more time before sliding on my bag pack and head out of the hotel room.

I feel as though I'm bouncing with every step out of excitement.

Last night I had dinner with my uncle's family, turns out Justin -one of my cousins- works at CERN.

It has been my dream since forever to visit there and I can't believe it's finally coming true.

The trip was decided too soon and I couldn't submit into one of their tours and I had lost my hope of ever seeing it.

I knew Justin was comparatively smarter than his other siblings, but I was never in touch with him, although Theo was and still is.

Maybe it's because they're the same age... or maybe it's because Theo is generally better at social interactions, at least compared to me.

I get in Justin's car and soon we are on the road.

I still can't believe I'm going to see CERN with my own eyes instead of seeing it from behind a TV or laptop's screen. The largest laboratory that studies particle physics, an organization for nuclear research, in short, they study the tiniest particles in the universe. Thinking about the time I saw the documentary of discovering Higgs still gives me goosebumps.

The drive from the hotel to CERN feels like a century-long drive, but then time is relative, and my watch would certainly disagree with this feeling. I highly doubt Justine would agree either.

After almost an hour -according to my watch, of course- we reach our destination.

He parks the car and we start to walk towards a brown spherical building.

The cold breeze caresses the exposed skin of my hands and face, but the excitement keeps me warm.

Thankfully Justin isn't the talkative type, or maybe Theo gave him a heads up.

He hands me a visit card and gladly put it on.

"I think you would like that," he says, pointing to a huge silver-colored sculpture, its ends curving in different angles.

We walk towards it and as we get closer I realize it's covered in black writings, and a bit closer I'm able to see all the mathematical equations and even physics equations and even chemistry!

I might have even taken a selfie, but I think that would look pretty embarrassing, and I just don't have the confidence and courage needed, even though I know I'll regret this greatly.

I push away these thoughts too and focus on the writings in black ink on the sculpture, occasionally asking the things I don't know from Justin and he kindly answers all of them.

I don't know how long I stand there but before start heading towards the building he suddenly says, "You can get as many pictures as you like Eleanor..." he trails down and looks around, "It's not like you'll be coming here every day." He suggests with a smile.

My first usual and obvious answer is no to these kinds of questions, but before I blurt out another no that I would later on regret it, I remind myself why I'm here in the first place and that singular reason and a great amount of willpower make me say yes, all the while ignoring my steadily rising heartbeat, loudly drumming in my ears and sweaty palms.

I hand my camera to him and he smiles widely and tells me where to stand before clicking a few pictures.

My very first step of coming out of my shell!

We head off to the office so he can submit the time he entered and then he starts introducing me to his friends.

Two of his friends decide to accompany us and we head out of the spherical building and walk towards ATLAS, where everything happened.

The back wall of the building even has a drawing of the tunnel and we actually catch a few pictures there too.

I don't know if there's something in the air or what, but I find myself slowly being able to live in the present, and be with them and join in their discussions without getting lost in my head in the whirlwind of my own thoughts.

"But imagine being here while they find a new particle, antiparticle, or even one of the main things that build up the dark matter," I say as we enter ATLAS.

"Or when they make a portal and accidentally send this whole set up somewhere in the quantum realm." Justin rolls his eyes.

"I would consider that a privilege," I say back.

"Yeah! Imagine being able to find new laws of physics or other worlds, that would be awesome!" Justin's friend says.

We get into the elevator and go underground.

The elevator stops and we all get out from it, our shoes loudly clanking as we start to walk on the floor that it's completely made out of metal.

The slow humming sound is soothing for my ears, giving me a sense of being alive.

Ironically for the first time in a long while I don't feel like an outcast. I feel safe, safe enough to be myself and voice my thoughts.

Seeing the particle detector up close it's a whole new level of experience. I hold my breath as I inspect it closely. I want to feel it under my fingertips but that won't be wise.

I wish I could land myself a job in here but I don't think I qualify for it, I won't be good enough for this place and then there is Mom on the other hand.

I shake my head and join in their discussion, with the little knowledge that the electromagnetics course during my B.E. has provided me.

+++

((I know nothing happened in this chapter but I felt I should show that she's trying to become better... Anyway, thank you for reading and if you liked the chapter do vote and feel free to comment anything you want.))