I can't hide my shock and horror as I stare at Adrien with wide eyes.

How can he say that? How can he blame me for something like that!

I open my mouth to say something, anything, but the words stick to my throat.

He shakes his head. "He left the house because of you, he wanted to see you, talk to you!"

Each statement feels like a punch, actually worse than a punch.

I stare at him, still not able to wrap my head around this.

"You didn't know?" he huffs and then shakes his head. "He wanted to ask you to prom..." he says his eyes fixed ahead.

A beat of silence passes and then he fixes his burning gaze on me, "So... would you have said yes?" He asks, brows furrowed.

What the hell!

I open my mouth but still no words form, my head a whirlwind of thoughts. "Prom?" That's all I can manage to crock out.

He narrows his eyes at that, "You had no idea," he says, as if he wasn't expecting it. He leans towards me slightly, not breaking his gaze. "You did know that Jay liked you?" he tries to make it sound like a question but it sounds more like a statement.

What?

"Jace was dating Avery..." I finally say.

I inhale deeply to calm my breathing and continue, "We were just friends... and... friends do like each other... that they tolerate each other... spend time together," my voice trails down with each word.

I shouldn't be saying these things out loud, but it's too huge of a shock for me to be able to process it silently in my head.

I blink a few times, my eyes gaining back their focus.

I realize Adrien is staring at me in disbelief.

"So you would've said no?" A humorless laugh escapes his lips, "You're saying Jay basically died for a rejection... he died for nothing."

I don't understand.

"You avoided him the whole day, he was planning to tell you in school... but you're such a professional avoider it's fascinating sometimes," hate laces his words as he locks his eyes with me, "I kept telling him not to leave, but he didn't listen, he said it's that day or never, and then the truck driver got him killed. He left the house because of you, and I hated you because of it."

His Adam's apple bobs, as he leans back into his chair, his gaze not breaking even for a second, "So Eleanor, I know it sounds crazy but I really want to know, would you have said yes?" He asks.

I look away as I try to gather my thoughts or at least try to navigate through it.

Jaceon, the person who I called my best friend, my only friend, died because he wanted to see me, in one of the worst nights of my life.

He wanted to ask me to prom... I never realized he liked me. He used to date Avery though... but I know I would've said no.

I can actually clearly imagine that night if things were different.

He would've shown up, asked me, and I would've said no. Then he would've convinced me because he knew I can never say an absolute no to him.

It feels like a knife is repeatedly stabbing me.

"You know," his voice draws my attention to him, "He broke up with Avery because of you, I thought you know that," he offers a small smile to me.

I look down to my hands, why am I so stupid?

"I thought I would see you at his funeral, but you never showed up... you can't imagine the hate and rage I felt towards you," he pauses for a moment and then continues, "I couldn't help but think my brother died for you, and you didn't even bother to show up to his funeral,"

Guilt bubbles up in me as I swallow hard.

"When I went back to school, all his friends were putting up this drama of how heartbroken and devastated they are and whatnot... they weren't even that close to him, didn't even know him that well... no one knew what I was going through. But I knew, only one person between all his friends and mine would understand, between all the kids in our high school, and that was you. I don't know why but I thought, because you knew Jay the best you would come to me, you would understand me because I could understand you... but you didn't, and it just annoyed me even more." He says.

I look up from my hands into his aqua green eyes, fearing I would see a different and deeper kind of hate, but another emotion that I can't comprehend is in his eyes.

"I waited for you, I was looking forward to seeing you but you never showed up," he pauses.

His throat bobs as his eyes wander and then land on me again, "I clearly remember, the first day that I went back to school we had a class together, and I was sure I'd see you there but you never showed up, neither the next day or the day after that... you skipped school for three weeks, why? Where were you?"

These are the questions he wanted to ask me?

I never thought he would be looking forward to sharing his grief with me, I mean I was sure he despised me.

This whole thing is getting harder by the second to wrap my head around it.

But that night and the following three weeks... I can't tell him what had happened.

No, not after everything he's told me today. He should never know, I will never tell him... not that I can ever share those dark times with anyone.

I shrug, trying to come up with a believable explanation. He narrows his eyes at that.

"I was sick," I tell him, which isn't entirely a lie, I just hope he doesn't push it.

"You were sick?" He incredulously says. "For three fucking weeks?"

"Yeah," I shrug again.

It only results in him narrowing his eyes even more, furrowing his brows he leans forward, "You expect me to believe that?"

"Yes," I push my fingernail into my palm and hold his stare, the pain is a good distraction, preventing me from faltering. Apparently, it's harder to lie while looking into someone's eyes... if I hold his stare long enough, he might believe me. I hope it works.

"Care to explain what sort of illness?"

Fuck.

I slightly lean back, trying to put more distance between us. Pushing myself to focus and think to come up with something.

Finally, an idea pops in my head, "I had Ulcers and... the stress was sky-high back then it kinda caused a problem,"

"For three weeks," he retorts.

"Yeah, and I had mixed up my pills... so it added to the pile," this should be enough to convince him.

Plus, it's not entirely a lie.

He slowly nods his head. "How exactly did you mix up your pills?" he asks.

You've got to be kidding me, why can't he just let it go!

"I was tired and very sleepy... I mixed up the dosage and took them a couple of times... in a very short period of time... because I had forgotten that I had already taken the pills..."

He finally looks convinced, but not entirely.

"For three weeks you didn't show up and when you did, you still ignored me. You didn't even walk up to me to say the bullshits that others were babbling their heads off with." He accusingly says.

I nod.

I should've, I know. I even knew it back then. I even wanted to, but I was scared of him, of his reaction and his gang's reaction.

"I'm sorry," I say.

"I don't need your apologies, I just want to understand you." He says making me look at him, "That day I followed you... I don't know why or what I was hoping to see, but you went straight to the graveyard... to Jay's grave," he pauses as he tries to study my face.

I wish we wouldn't talk about this. I don't want him to see me like this... with pain written all over my face and thousands of other emotions.

He takes a deep breath, pushing his hand through his golden almost brown hair, the ends standing in loose curls.

"You sat there in complete silence for hours, and then left," he looks at me once again, "But still ignored me the following day,"

I don't have anything to tell him... I'm not comfortable enough with him to tell him why.

Maybe he deserves to know, but we hardly ever get the things we deserve.

Silence falls on us like a blanket, or maybe a black hole consuming us.

"It was easier to blame you, to hate you for Jay's death," he says pausing before continuing. "And that's what I did. I did all of those things in junior and senior years of high school because of this."

He puts both his elbows on his knees, resting his chin on his tangled fingers, "But I have to admit, college was a low blow, all the rumors I spread about you," he says as he glances at me.

Regretting it won't fix those four years for me.

Actually, it doesn't change anything.

It won't wipe out the pain... what am I supposed to do or even feel, with the fact that now he has realized maybe he had taken it too far?

Am I supposed to thank him? be grateful? He ruined all those years for me... what does he expect me to do or say to all of these things?

But then... who can blame him? Even though he ruined the majority of my non-academic life... he lost his brother because of me... had to face his crazy father because of me.

If I stop being so selfish, it's clear as a day he had all the rights to do that.

I deserved that.

Accepting this fact is more painful than I thought it would be.

But if he hates me then what is he doing here? Shouldn't you distance yourself from the person you dislike?

Why does he want to spend a whole year around me?

I look at him as I try to gather my scattered courage and start, "It doesn't make sense though,"

He snaps his head towards me, the slightest twitch in his eyebrows proof of his well-hidden confusion.

"Why do you want to spend a whole year around me? Given all the circumstances." I ask.

"I want to understand you," he says a beat later.

I open my mouth to ask what he means by that, but he beats me to it.

"I want to see and know the person my brother knew and cared about... I want to know that Eleanor, not the girl who always avoided me."

It still doesn't make sense... it still doesn't make a full working equation.

I wonder if he's hiding something.

Hiding one of the sole reasons that lead him to take this decision.

+++

((So... what do you think about this chapter? About Adi and Eleanor? If you enjoyed reading it, don't forget to vote and comment. Thank you for reading!))