The creaking of the mattress pulls me out of my thoughts. I glance at it. Adrien is sitting, his shoulders hunched as he gazes at the wall in a blank stare.

In a feather-light touch, I press my fingertips on my lips. The tingling sensation, evidence of the kiss happening, remains.

I rush to the bathroom, close the door, and lean to it for a moment to catch my breath.

I adjust the faucet to its coldest temperature and splash the icy liquid to my face multiple times to clear my foggy head.

Almost freezing, I shut the running water, brace my hands on the sink. Water drips from my chin and a few strands of my wet hair. I meet my eyes in the mirror, and stare at my reflection for long moments, until I feel ready to deal with the aftermath and search for a solution.

I place a hand on my hip while pinching my bottom lip with my thumbnail and index fingernail. I set on pacing the small area, urging myself to think.

To analyze the situation, the starting point is, Adrien is drunk out of his mind. He can't even stand straight or form a proper sentence. The chances of his memory brain cells working and saving this incident are really slim. In an optimistic view, it's next to impossible.

That's a good start. I note while careful not to slip.

If he's that intoxicated, wouldn't that mean he can't think properly either? What if, on a wilder scale, he mistook me with Sophia? It sounds absurd, but it could be true. In fact, he mentioned her name a few times... maybe he wanted to meet her... they had a fight, and he planned to go to her and fix their problems. That makes sense, a lot. But it's impossible to mistake me with Sophia, even after downing ten bottles of vodka and being on the verge of alcohol poisoning. The girl is a beauty goddess.

I don't know how a drunk person's brain functions, neither do I have personal experience. The best I can hope for is, Adrien was too drunk, mistook my room with Sophia's, and or somehow halfway through, assumed I'm her which resulted in the kiss. And he probably won't recall it ever happening.

So if he isn't going to remember, it solves the problem. I'll act like it never happened and if I continue to force it to the back of my mind, I might forget it too.

Yes, an excellent idea in this case. Pretend it away.

I sit on the edge of the bathtub. Wrapping an arm around myself and resting an elbow on top of my knee as I push my bottom lip between my teeth, chewing it.

Well, at least that's settled. I can't allow myself to acknowledge the alternative, because I don't have any solutions for that case. If he remembers, everything will get awkward. I hope he won't.

On to the second problem, why the hell was I about to kiss him back!

I drive my hand through my hair, tugging on the ends of it, before resting both of my elbows on my knees. And pressing the heels of my palms to my eyes.

I hated kissing! Out of the eight previous times, I only returned five of it and the other three the guys had to stop because I didn't return it. It always disgusted me. Excluding four times with the same guy, that case was different. But why didn't this disgust me like the other ones?

Fuck. I feel like shit for even considering kissing him back.

We've just recently reached the friend level. Why did this have to happen!

Oh no, if Sophia finds out, I might as well pack my stuff and book a flight to New York right now. She'll be irked, and that's the last thing I need.

A pissed Jeffry along with a crazy pissed off Sophia is not a combination I want to be stuck on with on a freaking yacht, in the middle of nowhere.

I'm so screwed. I was going to return the kiss. What was I thinking!

I sit straight and move my hair away from my face, tucking it behind my ear, deciding.

It never happened.

Yes, I'm going to stick to that. The best thing to do, throw the memory in a locked box and push it in the farthest, darkest corner of my mind.

I can do that, in fact, I'm good at pretending my problems don't exist. I've done that through high school and college. The only problem is, back then, I used to direct my focus to my studies, but now I don't have that leverage. I must find something that will fill my head to its brim.

For the first time, I notice the lack of those haunting negative thoughts. At least, when they clouded my brain, I had no spot or energy left to think about anything else. But it's been a while from the back-to-back nightmares for several nights in a row. Not that I miss them, but I wouldn't mind if they occupy me for a few days, plus it's weird not having my mind overflowing with those thoughts. But I shouldn't reflect on those, only because something wilder has happened.

I step out of the bathroom, and my gaze lands on Adrien. His head sank in my pillow, his feet on the ground, and one of his hands placed between his thighs, snoring softly.

I shut the door and sigh. Looks like I won't be having a quality sleep tonight. I walk over to him, placing his legs on the bed, and pulling the covers over him. A strand of golden brown hair fallen to his eye, covering the lines on his forehead. He appears sad, even in his passed out state, but innocent too. I wonder how big of a fight he had with Sophia. Or there might be another reason. My throat closes in as the harsh judgment I had settled on towards him rushes to me.

I hated him for years, despised him. Even on the worst days, if there was an exam, I would study my ass off just to show him who's the best. Academic wise, of course. That was until freshman year of high school, by that year, I just wanted him to stay away from me, I was tired of him, of his bullying, of everything. I wanted everything to be over; I was drained.

Bending down, I push the stray strand out of his face and smooth the caress between his brows with a gentle touch.

I never regarded him as a human with complex sentiments. Not until the second semester of college after I stopped being annoyed at him for somehow finding out I was going to Stanford, following me there, and spreading that awful rumor about me.

After dimming the lights, I plop down on the loveseat, setting my upper arm on the back of the seat, and rest my chin on my forearm. And gaze outside the window. My last night in the city of lights will be spent by staring at the twinkling lights of the city. If one looks from far enough distance, they can be considered man-made stars, lighting up a man-made world.

I glance at Adrien, his back facing me.

He is the richest guy I've ever seen, and that's a huge thing, considering I went to a private school and by overall social standards, everyone was rich. And yet, he doesn't seem happy. All that money and the luxurious life it brings along with itself doesn't make up for the bad parts.

I don't know why I'm thinking about these stuffs, maybe I'm trying too hard not to let my mind wander to tonight's incidents. Or I feel guilty, like each time I do when Adrien shows deep emotions.

Somehow, I always assumed he's a self-indulgent, emotionless, pleasure-seeking guy. That's what he showed of himself, a reckless, cruel person who didn't care about anyone but himself. I was wrong.

In fact, he has had a harder life than I have, and probably experienced a wider range of pain too.

I try to think of my high school years or middle school, but most of it is blank. Of course, I remember getting bullied, even some incidents stand out but the remainder? No. Sometimes I get reminded of small details that had vanished from my memory, surprising me, but that happens on rare occasions.

I guess it explains why I can't recall a lot of things about Adrien or anyone else, other than Jace, from high school and before that. The same goes for the majority of my college years. I recollect the feelings, though. All the negative things are etched in my memory. Maybe it's because of depression. If I am to accept I was clinically depressed, it would explain a lot.

I still don't want to believe I had depression. A major flaw and unavoidable. An enormous problem with the wiring of my brain, making me a freak. I can't be the perfect girl with a shining present and promising future while stained by anxiety and other mental illnesses.

There is no reason for me to have depression. My parents weren't abusive. I lived in a comfortable house, with both my parents and no divorce or step-parents in the picture. Always had whatever I asked. Never was I sexually assaulted or raped. And yet here I am. It isn't understandable why my brain doesn't function similarly to normal people.

I still detest the way I am.

Twenty-one years old, and only eight times I've kissed. Not once I had a boyfriend. A prude.

I hate I've always been obsessed with perfection. It's a flaw itself, the irony and the paradox of being obsessed with perfection and being flawless goes hand in hand with a sun sized flaw.

How can I accept myself and be happy with countless flaws?

Although, perfection doesn't bring happiness.

I fix my gaze back on the view outside my window.

Money doesn't either. It is important, but it doesn't offer contentment between everything that it offers to its owner.

I wonder if Adrien has ever experienced true happiness; I hope he has or will soon. He deserves it.

Has anyone ever sensed it? Maybe most people have sensed bits and pieces of it, and hold on to it, convincing themselves that's the actual thing.

Have I ever been truly happy in my life?

The first time I read The Perks Of Being A Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky, one of the parts that hit hard was the part Charlie saying he felt infinite. Even in the movie, that scene conveys all these overwhelming positive feelings.

I've never felt infinite. Maybe because I didn't listen to a particular song, sitting in the middle of two people going to my first party. But I haven't even felt the equivalent of it.

There was a time I was obsessed with happiness, with doing anything that made me happy, even momentarily. I had turned it into my life's main goal, to be happy.

That didn't go well.

Each time the list got shorter. For a while, only one item remained. By now, I can't tell if it's real, or just something to stop me from being hopeless.

Of course, throughout this trip, a lot of times, like bicycling from one part of Amsterdam to the other, visiting CERN, walking around in Athens' colorful streets, or trying various pizzas and pasta in Italy, I've felt happy. Even shopping while admiring the view of Champs-Élysées on our second day in Paris.

Short-lived happiness, that helps you go through life, but at the same time, you're aware it'll diminish before the night ends. Never the long-lasting sort. I wonder if I've ever felt that. If I have, I can't remember.

I doubt such happiness exists. Maybe it's our brains' survival mechanism to keep humans alive and stop us from going extinct.

If it does, then why is it so complicated to reach to it?

What makes a person truly happy?

What brings happiness? Of course, for each individual is different, but the context and its effect should be the same.

Why is it so impossible to be happy? And so difficult to find reasons for it?

Life is hard, and it breaks everybody along the journey, some worse than the others. No, some are stronger and discover a way to live with it.

Everyone has broken at some point, even people like Arianna who seem so cheerful from the outside. Something must have happened, shaping them into that personality.

Or people such as Dylan who show they couldn't care less about their surroundings and anything that happens.

I made the mistake of considering Adrien as though he is a robot designed to hurt with no sentiments. I won't repeat that mistake again.

We've all suffered in different ways, unique to ourselves. We all have broken parts, edges that cut, and a dark side meant to stay hidden.

What if broken people can't feel true happiness?

What if nothing in this world can make pained and damaged souls feel long-lasting happiness? Perhaps that's the reason we don't, or hardly ever do.

Maybe darkness wins each time light enters, preventing it from remaining.

With these shattered parts and sharp edges, the constant battles going on inside my head, and the time running forward, will I ever get to feel true and lasting happiness?

+++

((Hello lovely readers =))) I did give you a kiss scene in chapter 45 so I think it's ignorable that I didn't update for like over two weeks =)))))))

Anyway XD college is kicking ass (have I mentioned how hard electrical engineering and physics are? If not, trust me, they are, and never make the mistake I made and do double majoring with these two majors). I'm having a hard time balancing stuff. I won't be able to write, edit, and update, because it's not only Acumen that I'm working on (also if you have the time/chance, do check out my other stories, Fantasies Blown Away, I can assure you, its contents' quality is ten thousand times better than Acumen).

So which one would you prefer? It's either very late updates (like perhaps once every month), or chapters that are not edited but twice a week will be uploaded.

And sorry for not uploading for such a long time and then uploading an unedited chapter. I know you think nothing happened in this part, but these thoughts were important and will be in the character arc thingy. 

Anyways, thank you so much for bearing me and reading this chapter, hope you enjoyed it =)

Stay safe, lots of love <33333 ))