I remember the first time I saw her.

We were classmates from fourth grade, but in the second period of our first day of freshman year, in math class, I perceived her for the first time. Something about Eleanor had changed. Maybe because of officially being high school students, or because she appeared so different from every other girl.

We were sitting in the first row. Our teacher knew both of us, thanks to older siblings. He was droning on about a problem, and Eleanor was reading her notebook. The asshole all the teachers are, he picked on her, with the usual why aren't you paying attention shit. Etched in my memory like it happened yesterday, she stared at him with a blank expression, glanced at the board. I swear it took her only a moment before telling the right answer.

The teacher's face was priceless! And since they can't stand these sorts of stuff. He challenged her to a new question. After writing it, which I had seen in Jay's textbooks, Eleanor surveyed it for thirty seconds, to the point where he began saying, 'seems you don't know much, after all'. And she announced the final and correct answer. That shut him up.

That's when I first recognized her as more than just a studious girl.

She was wearing a white shirt, with the same glasses she uses now, round with a rectangle attached to the corner of each side, highlighting her upturned almond-shaped eyes. They gleamed with the spark they had whenever she solved a math or physics question. Grey, similar to the clouds left behind after hours of raining.

That day, after getting home, I tried to draw her eyes for the first time.

I take a swig from the vodka bottle I brought with myself; it burns my throat as it travels down. I stare at the swimming pool, unable to stop my mind from wandering back to Eleanor.

Today her eyes shone too, but not because of solving a hard equation but with a coat of tear. I swallow another mouthful of the liquor.

Her words are still cutting me from the inside, punching me, shredding my heart, and clawing my organs.

It's one of the worst feelings I've ever been through.

Today, I had the impression I'm seeing Eleanor for the first time again.

She looked at me as she accused me of breaking her. Her grey eyes had a hint of blue in them, reflecting her light blue shirt. Making her delicate yet broken.

I broke her.

I, who couldn't think straight when that drunk dude last night got near her. It didn't matter he was twice my size, I would have punched and fought him with all my power even if he was ten times bigger than me. To keep her safe. Physically. Unaware I've done more damage than any physical harm is capable of ever causing.

How can I fight myself?

I was so selfish, yet while she spoke, she kept saying she understood me.

My heart aches and breaks, just by thinking about it. I stare at my bruised knuckles before I gulp down the liquor, hoping it would chase away her face and thoughts out of my mind and drown the guilt. To give me peace for a few hours. The wine bottle I downed after talking to her didn't, nor did the following beer. This half-full vodka is all my hope now.

I wipe my mouth with the back of my hand.

I was so ashamed, I couldn't meet her gaze, or bring myself to apologize to her. Not that it would fix anything.

Depression. Anxiety. I brought them on her!

How does she even stand me?

I press the bottle to my lips.

"Wow there big guy, you should slow down if you don't want to end up throwing up," Arianna's voice makes me stop.

I roll my eyes as she sits next to me.

"You look like hell and smell like shit," she notes.

"Fuck you," I mutter.

She huffs and wraps her hands around her knees.

"So... you and El had a fight?" she asks.

I wish she would shut up or if she can't do that, she'd leave. "No,"

She nods her, pushing a few strands of hair behind her ear. "Okay," she drawls, squinting at the darkening sky. "Did Dylan sleep with her?"

My head snaps to her, unable to hold myself from gaping at her.

"What!" she defends, raising her both palms. "He's been hitting on her, and you've been drinking since you got out of her room... if you didn't fight, what else would it be," and shrugs.

I nod, "We had an argument,"

She makes a weird noise with her mouth, puffing out a breath, while I take another sip from my drink.

"Argument... what about?" she wonders.

"Can you mind your own business?" I snap.

"No, not really. Now spill what happened,"

I glare at her before gulping the burning liquid.

"Adrien," she pokes my arm, tempting me to push her off into the pool.

"We talked," I answer.

"Talked?" she mocks, "Adi, you can't talk, we all know that. You either shout or irreversibly screw things up with the shit you say and do. There's no in between,"

"You're such a pain," I grumble, and she giggles.

"Tell me," she whines as her laughter subsides.

"It's stuff that has nothing to do with you," I mutter.

She rolls her eyes and then untangles her hands, and puts them behind herself, leaning on to them. "Adrien, seriously, what happened?"

What happened? I found out I've broken the girl I liked for such a long time without realizing it. Or that I still can't voice my true thoughts and not care about others' opinions. I shrug and swallow hard.

Will doesn't mean shit to me, and yet I chose to go along with him instead of all the other better alternatives, because it was easier. But I know the truth. As idiotic and childish as it might be, I enjoy her company. Even when we hardly share any words, I like having her near me.

"Did she tell you something?" Arianna asks with a tentative tone, surprising me.

She's rarely soft and considerate, I'm not used to this side of her.

I nod before downing more alcohol.

Should've told her how sorry I am. Asked her how to fix it, or make up for it. But I couldn't.

"She has anxiety," I mumble, Ari narrows her eyes. "She had depression," I add, inhaling, filling my lungs with the fresh air. And I utter the worst part, "because of me,"

I glance at her, expecting her to be shocked or surprised, but she seems to be waiting for me to continue, as if I haven't given her such huge information.

"I assumed," she starts, lifting a shoulder. And explains, "considering the hell you made her go through, and her actions in the past twenty days we've been together. Not that hard to guess."

Or maybe because of Kevin, you can identify the signs, I note to myself. We never speak about Kevin's three failed suicide attempts, or his severe depression, it's an unspoken rule. She doesn't like to discuss her brother's state, nor am I interested to delve deeper into my cousin's urge to kill himself. He can talk to me whenever he wants, about whatever he chooses, but he never showed interest in this topic.

"I didn't realize I was hurting her to that extent," I suppose it's the alcohol in me that drove me to admit that. But seeing her nod comforts me.

"Yeah, you're really dumb in those areas,"

I stare at her. So much for reassurance.

"Why did you do that? Even a blind guy could see you liked her. If we excluded you, El and Jay. You three don't count. But it was obvious by calling her an insufferable bitch, you just wanted to hide you were into her."

"I-I didn't like her," I stammer.

She rolls her eyes, "Fine, you were crushing on her,"

"I did not have a crush on her!" I reply louder.

She stares at me with her usual, 'don't give me that shit' look, making me fix my gaze on the pool. Its lights turned on and illuminating it.

At least Ri knows me enough to not press for an answer.

But why did I do it? I was stupid. Yes, but I will not confess that in front of Ari. Nor am I planning on admitting that I not only liked her -a lot- but I admired her too. I still do, admire her.

It started with admiration from that maths class. I decided to find a way to get close to her, but three weeks into the school year and she began hanging around with Jay, avoiding me, because I wasn't the nicest to her in middle school.

They kept getting closer every day. Jace was a sophomore. Had all the girls he wanted, second in line to be the captain of our basketball team. The first in his classes, with shining grades and best social interaction capabilities. He could have had any girl he wished, but no! He set his mind on her.

I was the awkward one, the second in everything.

She was my classmate, but befriended my brother, a year ahead of us, with no subjects in common, other than the extra-curricular they shared.

I didn't exist for Eleanor, which frustrated me to the extent where I needed her to know that there is a guy named Adrien.

I take a swig of the vodka as the memories of my early attempts at bullying her in high school replay in my head.

But not once I thought I'm hurting her.

If I knew, I would have stopped it, just like I never let Avery's harsh and unfair comments about her spread in school, which eventually led to persuading her to stop completely in a not very PG-13 manner, because I was certain it'll hurt her.

But not ever I imagined my words had such a tremendous impact on her and her mental health. To push her into the spiraling staircase of anxiety and depression.

If only I could travel back in time and fix it, change it.

I longed for her to notice me, no matter the cost.

Why did Jay go after Eleanor? Why didn't he leave her alone? She's the first girl I had a hankering to have something with, even a mere friendship. And now she's the girl my brother liked a lot and who I broke.

"I wanted her to see me," I mumble, feeling stupid saying out loud.

"That sure was a shitty way of showing yourself to a girl you liked... or like?" she narrows her eyes and looks at me quizzically.

What difference does it make? Past tense or present.

I'd be lucky if she stops hating me.

The fire of jealousy ignited a deep form of exasperation and resentment, causing me to lose my senses.

Once, I drew an angel in hell. The angel's features not visible much, but whatever distinguishable in the darkness and midst of flames was Eleanor's face. That painting became my first ever work getting praises from my mom. A famous artist who can't bother to stare at a piece of art and not point out its technical problems. She found it in the study and was awestruck. Then Jace invited Eleanor over for a holiday and Mom met her. Needless to say, after she left, Mom spent a good two hours on scolding why I had painted the girl my brother's interested in.

She didn't know by then I had a notebook covered by Eleanor's different angles.

"I just wanted her to notice me. For once I wanted someone to see me first," I admit.

For once, I needed to be someone's first choice. The inclination to be the first drove me to doing these horrible actions.

Guilt and shame crawl across me, crumbling me.

Desperate for her choosing me over Jay. Foolish, I know. No one in its right mind would have chosen me over Jaceon.

She got closer to Jace, and my chances of ever being able to have a chance with her grew smaller.

That damned day, I had seen them hugging, and I was ready to break hell on her when she stepped out of the building. But her expression, something in her eyes, made me stop. It scared me. She had been acting weird after the whole failing thing, but that day, she resembled a dead girl. Eyes dull, skin pale. She looked soulless. And for a moment, I cared for nothing other than assuring her, it's their loss and not hers. That one rejection doesn't change she's the best, and anyone opposing that, can go fuck itself.

I never saw her eyes shine again while solving hard questions after that. The ghost of it started returning about two years ago, but it remained a faint shadow.

That night, when Jay insisted on showing up at her doorstep, I had a fight with him, telling him not to leave. Not worried about the pouring rain or the dark outside, no. I didn't want him to leave because a small possibility existed she'd agree to be his date for prom. And the remnants of hope I'd cling to for years would smother.

My driving was always better than Jace's. Nothing would have happened if I wasn't so self-absorbed and gone along with him, drove him to her house. But I was an asshole. And Jay never reached there.

Too pathetic to even accept I was drowning in jealously, that I could have stopped it from happening and I didn't. My last words with him were out of frustration. The last thought I had of him while he was alive, spent in hopes of an incident's occurrence leading to her declining him. Anything that would prevent him from making her his date.

I gulp down the remaining vodka, welcoming the burning sensation, ignoring the tears gathering in my eyes. Is it grief? Or caused by alcohol? I don't care.

Infuriated at myself, but reflected it all on her. I blamed her to keep myself safe from my own wrath.

"I messed up really bad," I announce.

Arianna looks at me with raised eyebrows.

"I didn't want her to date a guy in college, so I started a rumor about her buying her SAT score," I admit.

Arianna's eyes widen. And she hardly ever gets surprised. So it's either too fucked up, or too unique and unlikely. I bet it isn't the latter.

"Crap," she breathes out.

"I also spread another one when this dude was growing close to her, that she slept with most of the TAs to obtain the highest grades," I add.

A semester and a half after Jen and I's break up. Everything between Eleanor and I seemed to go smoothly, she was letting her guards down around me, and that douchebag showed up out of blue and started hanging with her. Since Eleanor's first priority was always her studies, the second spot was open for one of us. I wasn't intending on sharing or giving it up, so I came up with the rumor. Pushed the ass-wipe out of the picture, but it backfired to me too.

"Holy shit," she gasps.

"Both of them were assholes though, and backed away when the rumors got to them," I try to reason.

"And what does that make you?" She snaps.

I shrug. Sensing my mind getting clouded, harder to speak, and think rationally.

"God, Adrien, that's so fucked up. You had no right!" she exclaims.

"I know," I stare at my hands. My fingers' edges blurry and blending together.

"Why did you do it then?"

"I couldn't bear seeing her with other guys, especially those two dumbasses."

Just like I wasn't able to stand Jace or James nearing her. I didn't have the capability to scare Jay off. But I immediately threatened James that if he takes her to the dance, I'll throw him out of the basketball team.

"I don't want her to hate me. But I couldn't even say to her how sorry I am. Tell me how to fix it?" with desperation I look at her. She's a genius in these things. She must have a solution.

Ari shakes her head and looks ahead. "You've fucked up..." her voice trails down as her eyes wander around, a sigh escapes her lips and she continues, "Adi, be practical. You screwed up worse than you can ever fix, no money, no amount of apologizing will erase it. Count yourself lucky she's looking at you. But we're talking about Eleanor,"

"What's that supposed to mean?" I tilt my head, squinting.

She rolls her eyes, "Eleanor Evans, the girl who you forced her through endless shit, but helped you out after your rough breakup. And is putting up with you now." she points out.

I still don't get her point.

She sighs, "El has an incredible capacity of forgiving. She's cool with me and Dylan. And he wasn't the best to her back in school, but yet she's nice to him. And didn't she agree to let you tag along in the first place? I know you've been the worst to her... but maybe one day she finds it in herself to forgive you, even though I believe you don't deserve it. But that's Ellie's call."

She stares at me with all her four eyes, waving her hand as she continues, "With Eleanor, it's a matter of push, hold, push,"

I narrow my eyes at her, repeating her words in my head, and they swim around.

She rolls her eyes, "Push her, give her some time, then push her again, give her some more time. Don't force her into anything," she warns, shaking her three index fingers in front of me. "Be friendly with her, be kind and soft. Ask her stuff, talk to her. Show her you regret everything you did to her. The pushing part is only about you trying to communicate with her properly and nothing more. Give her a while to adjust to that, and find other ways and reasons to chat with her and showing her. And continue the cycle," she explains.

I nod as I try to memorize it. Glancing up towards the building, I locate the balcony, I'm guessing it belongs to Eleanor's room. The lights still on.

Eleanor.

It even sounds nice in my head.

"Just give her time," Arianna says, drawing my gaze to her.

Time.

I glance at her window, I'm sorry Eleanor.

+++

((Thank you for reading till here!

Now that you've read this chapter, what do you think about Adrien? With all the backstory and everything... and any thoughts on Arianna?

Anyway, hope you enjoyed it, thanks again for reading <3 ))