Day 13

Love, caring, they're such wonderful words. They might be the sole reason for our actions. A very optimistic perspective, but isn't this what anyone wants? To be loved and cared? To know a human out there loves you and cares for you. It's a form of being accepted.

It must be great to perceive you have someone who loves you for who you are.

You believe the person claiming these feelings for you has them because of you. Isn't that what everyone assumes?

Logic asserts something else in this case. No one possesses these sentiments, just because it's you. You fall in love because you get a positive opinion concerning yourself when you're in love. You care for someone, only because either you're told to do so, indirectly, so the illusion of possessing free will isn't threatened, or you think good about yourself doing so.

See? All circulating around you. Not the individual subjected to these emotions.

Now imagine, this is the case of every single human on earth.

So, the conclusion is, it's lame to obsess over these matters, because everyone in your life does those things just to feel great about themselves, not giving a flying shit about you.

After knowing these things, I still give a damn regarding it.

The sad part is, no one gets this good vibe when they're around me. Which explains why I'm always alone, indicating I'm an awful person.

I even have solid proof for that, Mom, Dad, Theo and Avery.

Maybe I am selfish, contemplating ways of ending my life.

Perhaps it's an obsession, giving me an immense amount of semblance of having control, of myself and my life.

Otherwise, why would I count the things that have the potential of killing me whenever I enter somewhere? That's the first feature I notice walking into a room. The windows, if I can throw myself out of it, a bathtub in the bathroom to drown myself. Even when I down my pills, there is this wild second, every time, where I stare at the bottle of the pill and consider downing the entire contents. At that moment, I feel alive and in control.

In a car, that's the first image in my brain. Would the car crash? Can it end my life? Or crossing the street, the time a car or a bus race down and allows me to decide to stand in front of it or not.

I don't know if it's an obsession with death or I'm just simply suicidal. If this is what being suicidal is, I must say, it's a huge inseparable part of me. I can't remember the time these thoughts didn't cloud my head.

I wrap my arms tighter around myself, looking outside the moving train with glazed eyes. One more hour to go before we reach Zurich.

I tried to read, but it was impossible. I can't focus, unable to think.

It's like I never went to the psychiatrist, took all those medicines for years, which for sure have made my liver into a soon to be pharmacy. I'm back to square one. Of being a screwup, of course.

That's something nobody understands, or doesn't want to, including Theodor. There is no hope, no matter how long I stay under treatment, regardless of how many pills I take, nothing will change, with the slightest trigger I'm thrown back to point A, as if I've never tried.

Similar to being addicted to heroin. With countless efforts you rid yourself of it, but the moment you're alone in a room with a packet of heroin, it may be next to impossible not to crave it and end up taking it. The addict being me, and my drugs are these thoughts.

A sigh escapes from me as I shift in my seat.

I glance at Arianna, who has been asleep as her head hit the back of her chair. The same goes for Dylan. He's been hugging his guitar in a way that it's the most precious item in this world, even in his sleep.

Adrien resembles to a mute chicken trying to lay its eggs for the past one hour and forty-five minutes. I never expected someone might be able to move and shift so much on a single seat, which can be considered comfortable, while reading from an iPad. I wonder how he focuses, or sees the words.

Then I realize, a mute chicken trying to lay eggs? I guess that has the potential to hold a record in coming up with a lame but insulting comparison. Especially for a twenty-two year old guy.

I bite my bottom lip to keep myself from giggling.

I need to stop laughing at my own thoughts, as well as in all the wrong times and places.

As if knowing what's going on inside my head, Adrien looks up from his iPad. His gaze lands on me, and he offers a small smile. I return it with a tight-lipped smile, struggling to hold myself from bursting into giggles.

***

Day 14

I go through the circuit design for the hundredth time to ensure I have missed nothing.

Yesterday evening we spent the day visiting the Swiss National Museum, Lindenhof hill, and later on Grossmünster. While we were drinking coffee with the perfect view of Zurich's lake, I received an email from one of my online internships saying that I have to find and fix the flaw in a series of AC engines.

That's how last night, Arianna, Adrien and Dylan headed to a bar and I stayed in my room working through the night.

In fact, I skipped going downstairs for breakfast this morning, I was sure none of them were likely to show up.

I close my eyes and lean into my chair. In an attempt to empty my mind, I rub my eyelids with my thumb and index fingers from behind my glasses.

A knock snaps me out of my state. I peer around in confusion and check my wristwatch, reading 12:30.

With a huff, I push myself up and walk towards the door.

I unlock the door and I'm greeted with a grinning Arianna. To hide my surprise, I smile at her, and step aside for her and she walks into the room.

She looks around, and I notice her gaze lingering on my laptop. With wide eyes she turns to me, her hands on her hips. "Don't tell me you were working,"

I shrug as I walk to the middle of the place, stopping a few feet away from her, pushing my glasses up my nose. "Maybe," I mumble with a tiny smile.

She shakes her head, pushes her hair behind her ears. "That's your weird and nonunderstandable personal choice which I will not talk about, because I have come here for a much more important reason," Arianna says, beaming. Her blue eyes catches the light and twinkles.

"Okay..." I drawl and my gaze wandering the area. Not knowing what to do with my hands, I settle on resting one hand on my other elbow.

"Good, okay... Uhm, okay, this is harder than I thought. I have a proposal for you," she raves, "is that how you usually speak?" she asks an instant later.

I try to hold back my laughter as I shake my head no. "It depends who I'm talking to," I reply.

She nods once, claps her hands, taking in a sharp breath. "I know we've known each other since fourth grade, and we might have not gotten out on the right foot. What I'm trying to say is that, we're going to be traveling for a year together and you're the only girl other than me in this group... so I figured out it would be nice to team up with you," she finishes with flashing a bright grin at me.

I furrow my brows with bewilderment. Team up with me?

Before I get the chance to ask questions, she continues, "I hoped it would be cool to start over again. And skip the awkward parts," she takes two steps towards me and stops, "let's do what we had to do when we were in fourth grade," Arianna stretches her hand to me, eyes shining with excitement, "friends?"

My mouth hangs open as I glance between her and her outstretched palm with awe.

I've never had a girl friend, I don't even know how to be a friend, let alone a good one.

But the hope in her eyes, and the way she's looking at me, makes me for once push aside my fears and self-doubts. And I'd feel similar to a horrible person if I tell no to her.

I accept her hand, not being able to hold back my grin as we shake hands.

"Friends," I respond and she repeats, her smile widening further, dimples on full display.

"Great!" She jumps up the moment we break the handshake. "Can I call you Ellie or El from now?" she enthusiastically asks, which causes me to giggle as I nod my head yes.

"Superb! Okay, Ellie, get dressed cause we're going shopping. Just the two of us,"

I open my mouth to decline or ask what about the guys, but the look on her face makes me stop.

She plops down on my bed, crossing her legs and says, "I'm waiting," and beams at me.

Returning the smile, I walk to my suitcase.

I'm going shopping with my first friend in years.

I'm going shopping for first time with a friend.

This is too good to be real.

+++

((Well, what do you think about this friendship?

What are your thoughts on Arianna so far?

Hope you enjoyed the chapter, thanks for reading this far ^^ ))