Chapter 6

. ₊ ⊹ . ₊˖ . ₊

Where do inspirations come from? Oftentimes, we are able to create something out of being inspired. Mabilis ang pagpasok ng mga eksena, karakter, at mga usapan nila sa isip mo. Ang problema lang ay kailan ka nga ba 'inspired'?

Ang sagot d'yan ay kahit kailan.

Ang inspirasyon sa isang storya ay maaaring manggaling sa pinakailalim ng isip ng isang writer. Maaaring galing sa isang librong limot na ng lahat pero kaya mo pa rin i-kwento nang buo. Maaaring galing sa tinago mong wrapper ng candy na mula sa grade one crush mo. Posibleng galing sa isang kaso na napanood mo sa TV na hanggang ngayon ay cold case pa rin. P'wedeng galing sa kwento ng kapitbahay mo. It doesn't have to be something that happened to you. It could be something that you just want to tell your own version of. 

Sometimes, the inspiration roots from a what if and transforms into a journey wherein you have to create the answer to that 'what if'.

Pero kailangan ba talaga na may inspirasyon ka para magsulat? Hindi ka ba p'wedeng magsulat kapag hindi ka 'inspired'? O kung wala ka sa mood dahil pakiramdam mo ay walang mga eksenang lumilipad sa isip mo? Walang mga karakter na nagsasalita? Ang tanging nagpapakita sa 'yo ay ang blangkong word file mo na walang laman?

I believe that if you cannot have any inspiration—create your own reason to be inspired. Instead of relying on your mood, try to make it into a practice. It is easy to write when you're inspired but it is easier to give up when you don't follow a routine. So, create a routine.

You don't have to write the whole day. You don't have to finish a chapter each day. You just have to write every time that you can. It doesn't matter if it's only an hour of your day, one hundred words of your chapter, or even if you finally named one of your side characters. A small step regardless of how little it may be to your progress is usually still a move towards your goal.

My train of thoughts halted as soon as my phone vibrated against the thin sheets of my bed. Mag-isa lang ako sa kwarto dahil nga walang gustong kumuha ng slot na kasama ako. I looked at it and saw that the text came from Kiran.

Kiran:
you have a list yet?
i have mine already.

At the forefront of what seemingly a myriad of options that I have for a movie marathon were films that I personally had handpicked. Ang sinabi sa akin ni Kiran ay p'wede akong mamili ng mga papanoorin namin. There should be at least one movie each genre. Pareho naman kaming magsu-suggest ng mga pelikula pero bigla akong kinabahan. Paano kung sa tingin n'ya ay baduy ang mga pinili ko?

Namili ako ng mga alam kong hindi ko pa napapanood pero magaganda ang mga naging reviews mula sa internet. I decided to pick the following movies for us to watch. Hindi ko mapigilan ang ngiting gumuhit sa aking labi dahil nakakausap ko si Kiran tungkol dito.

Nacia:
Yes! 🥹
Ano ang una mong napili?

Kiran:
Misery
adaptation siya ng novel ni Stephen King

Nacia:
Oh! That's nice. Wala pa akong napapanood na isinulat n'ya. 😄
Brutal ang una kong napili.
It's written by Ricky Lee.

Kiran:
Ricky Lee? the screenwriter of Himala? ngayon ko lang narinig 'yang movie na 'yan.

anw, Dead Poet Society is second on my list.

Nacia:
Magnifico naman ang napili ko para sa pangalawa.

Is Dead Poet Society, a comfort film of yours?

Kiran:
yep

have you watched any of the films that you recommended?

Nacia:
Hindi pa. ^^
I want my emotions to be as raw as it can be. I want my first time to be with you.

Kiran:
hoooy?
anong first time? 😾
tangina talaga ni Diether
kung anu-ano tinuturo sayo

kapag hiningi nya first time mo sa KAHIT ANONG BAGAY i-send mo tong link sa kanya:
https://youtu.be/-jEl0JKZfZU?si=EECij1sd9wM6AI35

Nacia:
Po? 🥲
What I meant was it will be my first time watching those movies! 🤍
May romance ka ba na pinili, Kiran?

Kiran:
a, oki

Flipped. 

Nacia:
Oh. Ang sa akin naman ay Dahil Mahal na Mahal Kita.

Kiran:
ano isasagot ko dyan
????
lah HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
ewan ko sayo 😹

Nacia:
Movie po 'yan ni Rico Yan at Claudine Baretto.
Bakit ka po natatawa? ☺️

Kiran:
wala haha
cute mo rin 'no?
see you,  nacia. 😹

My lips stretched into a smile. Tinititigan ko ang conversation naming dalawa at hindi maiwasan ang nararamdamang paru-paro sa aking tyan. It wasn't a date but it felt like it was.

Sa condo unit ni Kiran ang lugar kung saan kami manonood. At first, Kiran hesitated and even offered to rent a whole cinema. . .which of course, I declined. Hindi ko alam kung biro lang ba iyon o mayaman ba siya? I don't know much about his background. Hindi ko rin alam kung uungkatin ko pa ba iyon dahil ayoko naman panghimasukan ang buhay n'ya.

I just want to see him as Kiran, as himself, as the person who made me love writing beyond my own expectations.

Ilang beses akong humarap sa salamin. I know that I wasn't that bad. I wasn't conventionally attractive, it will take days or months before you realize that I was cute. Nag-kumpol ako ng aking buhok para mag-ayos ng sarili. I even bought a makeup kit, may sale kasi na bundle kaya bumili na ako. I usually only put gloss on because my lips are always dry. Pero ngayon at naghahangad ako na mapuri ni Kiran.

I don't expect him to fall for me just because I took off my glasses. Isa iyon sa mga cliché na palagi pa rin binebenta sa mga storya. Besides, sobrang hirap maglagay ng contact lens. Ang hirap din i-maintain kaya naman hindi ko alam paano nila napapanatili iyon.

I went to my small luggage. Walang cabinet dito sa dorm ko. Nilatag ko sa kama nung ka-dormmate ko na multo ang aking mga damit. Nagpaalam muna ako para hindi n'ya ako gapangin mamayang gabi.

"Hello, Ms. White Lady! Hindi ko alam ang pangalan mo, ahm, makikilagay lang ako ng damit ha? May date, oh, hindi pala date! Movie. . .marathon lang? Pero kaming dalawa lang," I started to point at my chin and tapped it. Iniisip ko kung nauunawaan n'ya ba ang sitwasyon. "Sa tingin mo, ano kami? Movie buddies? Friends?"

Wala akong natanggap na sagot. Well, maybe it was for the better. Baka kasi tumili ako bigla kung may bubulong sa akin na 'assuming' lang ako.

I decided to pick a floral beige dress. Kulay red ang iilang bulaklak na naka-imprinta rito. I also had some wine-colored flat shoes to partner it with. Alam ko naman na sa condo n'ya lang kami manonood pero gusto ko sana na. . .maganda ako sa paningin n'ya.

My cheeks flushed as soon as the thought materialized in my mind. Nakakahiya!  Paano kung isipin n'ya ay nagpapa-cute ako sa kan'ya?! Totoo naman pero. . .nakakahiya mabisto kung gano'n. I build up a bubble by trapping air inside my mouth. Pinakawalan ko rin ito.

Napasinghap ako. Bahala na! Nakakainis kasi si Kiran! He could wear nothing and he would look like heaven's gift to mankind!

Isang linggo ako nagplano ng magiging damit ko. I even read some reviews of the movies that he suggested because. . .a part of me wanted to impress him. Kung tatanungin n'ya ako tungkol sa mga movies na pinili n'ya, may masasagot ako na masustansya at hindi may masabi lang.

I was ready.

I believed that I was ready for it.

Yet, on that exact day, the fates decided to play on me and gave me my first day of period. It made a grand entrance because my favorite dress got stained by it. Sinubukan ko itong tanggalin ngunit halata ang pagkakabakat nito. Binabad ko muna ito sa sabon at naghanap ng isang maayos na bestida—yet, I have none. Isang itim na oversized t-shirt na lang ang natira dahil nasa laundry shop na ang karamihan sa mga damit ko.

Napabuntonghininga ako. I don't know if it's simply the hormones but I wanted to blame everything that I see on my sight. Gusto ko sisihin ang maliit na espasyo ng dorm ko. Gusto ko awayin yung mga hindi nagtatanggal ng sampay nila agad, isang linggo na silang nakasampay sa sampayan! Gusto ko sisihin yung multo na ka-roommate ko dahil hindi n'ya ako binigyan ng back up plan na damit.

I released a deep breath. Okay, I have to calm down. Should I cancel on Kiran? Gusto ko sana kaso naiisip ko ay baka ma-turn off siya. Baka isipin n'ya ay wala akong isang salita. Baka nga huling beses na n'ya akong kakausapin ngayon kung sakaling sabihin ko ang sitwasyon ko.

My train of thoughts were working until I received a text from Kiran. Nanglaki ang mga mata ko nang mabasa ito.

Kiran:
papasundo ka ba?
i can drive, if you want

Nacia:
Okay na po ako. ^^
Thanks!

I wasn't okay.

Hinihingal ako nang makarating ako sa unit n'ya. I had to confirm my presence at the reception. May elevator naman ang condominium ni Kiran pero ang lawak nito. There was even a pool! And god, ang daming units! Maliligaw siguro ako kung hindi n'ya ako sinundo sa reception.

"Okay ka lang ba talaga?" Nag-angat ng kilay si Kiran. He seemed to be displeased.

Bakit?

Dahil ba pangit ako sa mata n'ya ngayon? Naiiyak ako habang naiisip iyon. I tried my best to look good even if there was a freaking pimple on my forehead! Namamaga pa ito at namumula. Mas mukha pang nagpapa-cute kay Kiran kaysa sa akin!

"Namumutla ka," puna ni Kiran at nilagay ang likod ng kan'yang palad sa aking noo. "May sakit ka?"

"Wala," I hissed at him. Nagtutubig ang mga mata. "I am okay."

"We don't have to watch if you're not feeling well," mahinang sambit ni Kiran at unti-unting binaba ang kamay. "Ihahatid na lang kita pauwi."

Pumatak ang mga luha ko nang sabihin n'ya iyon. I am emotional when it's my first day. Bukod pa sa mga pasa na nakukuha ko bigla-bigla dahil sobrang sensitive ng aking balat. Pakiramdam ko ay naghain ako ng pag-ibig kay Kiran ngunit dinurog-durog n'ya ang puso ko.

"A-ayaw mo na ba ako makasama?" I dramatically asked him. Patuloy ang mahihinang pag-hikbi.

"No—"

"Baka napipilitan ka lang dahil nakukulitan ka a sa mga kaibigan natin?" I concluded then wiped my own tears using my fingers.

"Huh?" He widened his eyes. "Hindi—"

"Hindi ako nagkakamali?" Humikbi ako. "I am so sorry for disturbing you, Kiran. All I wanted was to spend some time with you. Hindi ko naman ginustong maging awkward sa pagitan natin—"

"Hindi awkward," Kiran said as he placed a hand on my head, gently patting me. "Tumahan ka na. Nagaalala lang ako kasi mukha kang pinipilipit d'yan."

Umangat ang tingin ko sa kan'ya. "Can I use your CR? Ang sakit ng tyan ko. . ."

"May LBM ka ba? May gamot yata doon," sabi ni Kiran at bahagyang ngumuso. "You want to lay on my bed muna?"

My cheeks flushed. "Kiran!"

"Suggestion lang. . ."

"It's my first day. . .of mens," nahihiyang pag-amin ko sa kan'ya. I looked away as soon as I confessed.

His lips parted but then he calmly cleared his throat. "Do you want me to buy extra pads?"

"May suot ako. . ."

Ngumisi si Kiran. He gently whispered in the shell of my ears. "Weh? Tingin nga."

"K-Kiran!" I pouted. Anong titingnan n'ya? Ang dumudugong perlas ni Nacia!? Kainis!

He laughed heartily which made me look at him and admire how he can make things less tense for me. Unti-unting lumambot ang kanina kong matitigas na buto.

"Kidding," he chuckled lightly. "Tell me if you need extra pads. May near na bilihan d'yan ng sanitary needs."

"P'wede b-ba ako magpahinga sa sofa mo?" I gulped the bile on my throat. "Ang sakit talaga ng puson ko."

Kanina pa ito parang hinahampas nang sunod-sunod. The pain was throbbing and it's driving me crazy that I cannot do anything about it. Nakakainis na ang tanging paraan para hindi 'to sumakit ay lagyan ng bata sa loob! I am already crying out of frustration! Kung iinuman ko naman ito ng gamot, takot ako sa mga side effects na sinasabi nila.

Nakakaiyak maging babae, sa totoo lang.

He shrugged. "It's not comfy on the sofa. Nakakatulog ako roon pero baka mahirapan ka. Gusto mo bang dumapa? Is it. . .your red days? I have essential oils there. . .p'wede mo pahiran kung sakali."

There was a quick flutter inside my chest as soon as he said those words to me. Pakiramdam ko ay inaalagaan n'ya ako dahil may pakialam siya. Hindi dahil obligado siyang alagaan ako. There was a huge difference and sometimes you'll just know if someone really wants to help you or not. 

"Kiran. . ." Tumikhim ako. "Gusto ko lang sabihin na masama talaga ugali ko kapag mayroon ako. Gusto ko lang mag-sorry kung sakaling ma-offend man kita dahil. . .hindi maganda ang pakiramdam ko."

Kiran looked at me as if I was joking. "Tuwing mayroon ka lang? Ako nga, everyday na masama ugali eh. I never apologized to you about it. Huwag ka mag-sorry. I don't mind."

"R-really?"

"Yes. . .and also, cute mo kapag masama ugali mo. It's as if you feel guilty over it immediately,"  he chuckled, then placed his hand behind my waist accidentally because someone was walking behind me, in-usog n'ya ako. Naramdaman ko ang init ng kan'yang braso. Alam ko naman na hindi n'ya sinasadya yon!

"I do feel guilty," I sighed then looked down. "Hindi porke't may regla ako ay masamang tao na agad kayo. I just get irritated with the small things."

"It's not small if it bothers you," sabi ni Kiran. Inayos n'ya ang buhok ko at nilagay n'ya ang ilang takas na tikas ng buhok ko sa likod ng aking tainga. "It's okay to get irate if things are irritating already. Mabait ka pa sa lagay na 'yan."

Pumasok na kami sa unit n'ya. My eyes roamed around the area. It was a massive unit, it had the silhouette of being vintage in every corner. Hindi ko inakalang mas elegante pala mag-ayos si Kiran ng tinutuluyan n'ya. I thought he would be like most boys. . .unruly and wild with their unit designs. Si Kiran ay halatang may sariling estilo sa kan'yang unit.

The ambient lighting, the long black curtains, and the huge flatscreen TV in the living room speaks a lot. It was a mixture of elegance and being modern with the interior design. There was a shelf full of movie DVDS. Halos umawang ang labi ko nang makita iyon. I didn't think that Kiran would collect those! But it made sense, mahilig siya manood.

"Pahinga ka muna," sabi ni Kiran at tinuro ang sofa. "May gusto ka bang kainin? Or cravings ba 'yon? I can order?"

"W-wala. . ." Agad akong umiling. Nakakahiya na dahil pakiramdam ko ay baka sinasagad ko na ang kabaitan ni Kiran. I don't want him to feel that I am abusing his kindness. "Okay na ako! Baka ikaw ang may gustong kainin? I can cook."

He sighed. "No, magpahinga ka na lang. Bisita kita. . .I have to take care of you."

Nanglaki ang mga mata ko. "Ganito ka ba sa lahat ng bisita mo?"

"Hindi." Umiling siya habang tumungo sa kusina upang kumuha ng maiinom. Kumuha siya ng pitcher na may lamang tubig at lemon. "Sa 'yo lang."

My heart thumped against my chest as I hugged one of his throw pillows. Tumabi sa akin si Kiran at inabutan ako ng isang hot pack. Lumingon ako sa kan'ya at nakitang nakatitig na siya sa akin.

"Nag-research ako. . .this will help to decrease the pain," sabi n'ya at inabutan sa akin yung hot pack. "Ilagay mo sa may puson mo."

My lips parted. "May kapatid ka bang babae? Or is this pure research?"

"Nag-download ako ng app. . ." He showed me an application. "It had tips. Tapos. . .today ka lang nagkaroon 'di ba? Nilagay ko rito na today ang unang araw ng menstruation mo."

Oh, it was a menstruation calendar. Ilang beses akong napakurap. Hindi makapaniwala na nag-download siya ng app nito. I heard that boys do have that app as well. . .but for a different reason.

Did he download it because of me? Or is there someone that made him download it? Bigla akong nalito at pinangunahan na naman ng iritasyon. I hate how my mood swings from left to right whenever I have periods.

"Ano iniisip mo?" Kumunot ang noo n'ya, his beautiful face was ladened with curiosity. Pero naiinis pa rin ako.

"Sino ka-sex mo?" I asked upfront.

Hindi ko alam bakit nairita ako bigla. If there was another girl and he was inviting me to watch movies with him, I guess he's a playboy! Hindi naman siya friendly! Napanguso ako. I am being irrational! Dapat talaga ay nanatili na lang ako sa dorm!

"What?" Kiran clenched his jaw and even tilted his head to face me. "The fuck?"

"That app is usually used for tracking your period and when you could have sex," sabi ko sa kan'ya at nangliit ang mga mata. "Wala ka namang period. . .kaya sino ang ka-sex mo po?"

"Hey," Kiran acted defensive, he even raked his hair using his fingers as if he was frustrated to hear those words from me. "I downloaded the app because of you. I wanted to know when you'll have cramps or be a little she-devil."

"You downloaded the app for me?" Ulit ko sa sinabi n'ya. Umawang ang labi ko dahil pakiramdam ko ay masyado naman iyon ma-effort! Ita-track n'ya ako monthly? Why would he do that. . .

Napasinghap siya. "Yes."

Hindi ko lubusang maisip kung bakit. I don't know if it's because my period pains are colliding with my irritation but all I could feel was the need to ask for confirmation from Kiran.

"Bakit? Gusto mo ba ako maka-sex?" tanong ko sa kan'ya habang sinisilip ang kan'yang reaksyon.

His jaw stiffened as he glanced at me. Nanatili lang din akong nakatitig sa kan'ya habang iniinda ang sakit sa puson.

Wala akong natanggap na sagot sa kan'ya. Nanglaki lang ang nga mata n'yang singkit at pakiramdam ko ay hihimatayin siya sa tanong ko.