NOTE:
This is the last chapter. Thank you for reading this story. Pasensya na kung word vomit lang ito at wala na masyadong ganap—I actually think AOS is the calmest story that I have wrote, a story that is written not as a love story but a story of love for writing. Kiranacia will forever be grateful for the opportunity. Maraming salamat.

See you at the Epilogue!

Chapter 42
. ₊ ⊹ . ₊˖ . ₊

My eyelids felt heavy as I tried to recover my sight by gradually opening my eyes. Akala ko ang bubungad sa akin ay ang kwarto kung saan ako natulog. Walang dingding na puti ang sumalubong sa akin,  ang matingkad na kulay asul na kalangitan at ang malalambot tingnan na mga ulap ang nadatnan ko nang buksan ko ang aking mga mata.

I was laying beneath the grass, which was vibrant green and freshly trimmed by nature itself. I tried to touch some of its blades but instead of feeling the itch of the grass touching my skin. . .I felt the comfort of just existing and not thinking of what lies ahead. Ang simoy ng hangin ay unti-unti ko na rin nilanghap, doon ko napagtantuan na hindi ako pamilyar sa lugar at hindi ko rin alam kung nasaan ako ngayon pero walang takot na naninirahan sa loob ng aking dibdib. This bed of grass made me think that I could forget that I needed to have a reason to exist, that I have to leave an imprint in this world.

Na kailangan kong baguhin ang mundo.

"Hello," a girl's voice went to my ears, it was slightly shrill as if she was excited to speak to me. Nagpantig ang tainga ko dahil pamilyar ang boses n'ya.

It was as if it was a reflection of my own voice.

I pressed my hand against the grass and slowly lifted myself to take a seat and tilted my head to face her direction. Her brown hair was cut up until her shoulder, her glasses were big and rounded, and her eyes speak volumes despite the grade of her current glasses.

Bahagya akong natawa. Unti-unti akong ngumiti sa kan'ya. "Hello, Nacia. Kamusta ka na?"

Her cheeks reddened. It was as if she didn't expect that I'll know who she was. . .and my heart clutched upon knowing why she was afraid of telling her name first. This age. . .this was the time that I got bullied so badly that I thought that I'll never write again. Si Kiran lang ang nagsilbing inspirasyon ko para magpatuloy noon.

"Hello . . .Ate Athanacia," she spoke softly. "Kamusta ka na?"

"I asked you first. . ."

She pouted her small lips. "Alam mo naman yung mga nangyari sa akin e. Pero ikaw. . .wala pa po akong ideya kung ano na ang nangyari sa 'yo. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang tinahak mo. Hindi ka naman kasi nagkukwento sa akin. Palagi mo lang sinasarili."

My smile slowly faltered upon hearing what she told me. Doon ko napagtantuan na lahat ng mga nangyayari sa akin ay totoo namang sinasarili ko lang noon. I never had the courage to tell others about my own problems. . .or even my own achievements because I thought I shouldn't. Akala ko ay mabababaw ang mga achievements ko at sobrang mabibigat naman ang mga problema ko. I've learned to not open up because I thought if I avoided any possible conflict then I could maintain peace. . .

"Ate Athanacia? 'Yan ka na naman. . .hindi ka na naman nagsasalita," Young Nacia spoke, her voice showed her dismay.

Ngumiti ako. Unti-unting bumagsak ang mga balikat dahil napagtantuan na tama nga siya. I thought that I should always capitalized my feelings, didibdibin ko na lang at isusulat para hindi masayang ang mga emosyon. But in the first place, I should let myself feel those emotions before I release them from my own grip.

"I'm sorry for not telling you that you can depend on others, without possibly abandoning yourself in the process. Takot ka masyado dumepende 'di ba? Kasi takot kang baka kapag kailangan na ikaw na lang ang humarap sa problema mo. . .baka hanap-hanapin mo ang kalinga ng iba," I told her as I patted the empty space beside me. "Tabihan mo ako. Marami akong dapat sabihin sa 'yo."

She was staring at me from a distance. Unti-unti siyang lumapit, her steps were tiny and deliberate as if she was still cautious of me. Umupo siya sa tabi ko at tumingala sa akin.

"It's true that sometimes you'll have to face your own problems, but those people who care for you won't even let you face them alone," I caressed her tangled hair. "Mas masasaktan pa sila kapag nasasaktan ka."

I briefly remembered Kiran and how hurt he was when I chose to not let him get involved with what happened with Tonton. Doon ko nalaman na posible pala talagang may taong mas mahal ka kaysa sa sarili nila. He always put me first, even when I tried to run away from him. When I pushed him away. When I abandoned him. He was still the first one to ask if we can still be together. . .mahal na mahal ko si Kiran.

"May tao na ba sa buhay natin na gano'n?" mahinang tanong ni Nacia.

Ngumiti ako. "Meron na."

"Kasing pogi ni Kiran?" Hagikhik n'ya, she sighed dreamily.

I laughed along. "Kasing pogi ni Kiran."

Her excitement flashed in her eyes, I could feel her pulse upon hearing things from her future. Nakita ko kung paano ako umasa noon na malalampasan ko lahat ng pasakit na napagdaanan ko sa edad n'ya ngayon.

"Sorry. . ." I said, my apologies rushed in as soon as I remembered all the things that I haven't done yet. "Wala ka pang napapatayo na bahay."

"Huh?" She tilted her head.

"Wala ka pang kotse, wala ka pang motor, at. . .hindi mo pa naaahon sa hirap ang mga magulang mo," my voice cracked. "Sorry kasi hanggang ngayon ay manunulat ka pa rin at wala pang napapatunayan."

The guilt slowly formed inside my chest. I couldn't shake it off. I couldn't even fathom how deep my own resentment for the person that I couldn't become because I pursued writing.

"Kilala ba tayo na manunulat?" tanong ni Athanacia sa akin. It was as if she didn't hear the things that I had just confessed.

Umiling-iling ako. "Sakto lang, minsan nasa bestseller list pero nasabi ko na bang marketing strategy lang naman 'yon para mas makilala pa ang libro mo? Na minsan ay di naman ibig sabihin no'n na napakaraming bumibili ng libro mo. . ."

"Pero may bumibili pa rin naman 'di ba?" She looked at me, her eyes were hopeful. "Kung nasa best seller 'yon, ibig sabihin ay may mambabasa pa rin na hinahanap ang libro mo sa mga bookstores. Ibig sabihin may mga tao pa rin na naniniwala sa mga sinulat mo. Ibig sabihin ay gusto ka pa rin makita ng mga tao na magsulat."

My eyes widened because all along I thought that it was just a gimmick, that I shouldn't be proud of being shortlisted through those best seller lists. Pero ngayong naririnig ko ang mga salita na 'yon mula sa batang Athanacia, a giant worry was lifted from my chest.

"Yeah. . .but, hindi ka sikat. . ." I gulped, trying to swallow the bile on my throat. "You're just someone who writes. . .hindi ka makikilala agad kung di mo sasabihin kung ano ang sinusulat mo. Hindi palaging ubos ang libro mo. Hindi palaging pinipilahan ang pangalan mo. Sometimes. . .you write for others because you need the money. And. . .it feels like writing isn't for you because if it was. . .then why is it so hard to keep writing?"

Hindi ko alam bakit lumabas 'yon sa mga bibig ko. I never knew that I could be vulnerable towards myself. Hindi ko alam na ang puno't dulo ng kasuklaman na nararamdaman ko ay bakit napakadali magsulat para sa iba? They didn't have to sacrifice a lot just to keep writing. . .when I had to lose my family's respect, my own sense of self, and my confidence over my own writing just so I could proceed up to this point.

"Was that one of our goals?" tanong n'ya sa akin, she blinked away some tears. "Parang. . .marinig ko nga lang na nagsusulat ka pa rin ay isang napakalaking bagay na sa akin."

This time, it was me who was surprised by her words. Bahagyang nanglaki ang mga mata ko at unti-unting lumingon sa kan'yang direksyon. I saw how little, fragile, and scared she was while her eyes were set on the grass beneath us.

"Are we still writing, Nacia?" her small voice croaked.

"Yes."

Unti-unti akong tumango. Mas lalong lumabo ang aking mga paningin dahil ang mga luha ay unti-unting namuo sa gilid ng aking mga mata. Pinalis ko ang mga ito at pinilit ang sarili na tumawa dahil bakit ako naiiyak sa simpling tanong ng batang ito?

Why am I crying over a question that shouldn't mean a lot? Ano naman kung nagsusulat pa rin ako? Bakit ako naiiyak?

She smiled at me gently. "Then why are you apologizing? Why are you thinking that we haven't done anything that we can be proud of? Ikaw na ang nagsabi. . .ang hirap magsulat sa mundong ito pero. . .nagsusulat ka pa rin. Doon pa lang ay alam kong pinaglaban mo ang pangarap nating dalawa."

My tears started to fall down my cheeks, I looked at the younger version of myself and she was crying as well but she was smiling as if she was proud of me. Lalong sumidhi ang nararamdaman ko nang mapagtantuan na masaya siya para sa akin.

"You kept on writing, that's all that matters," she mumbled.

I wasn't deemed as a failure.

She was proud of me.

"Wala sa pangarap natin ang magkabahay agad. Wala sa pangarap natin ang sumikat sa pagsusulat. Wala sa pangarap natin ang maging madali ang pagsusulat para sa atin. . .Nacia, our dream was just to keep on writing, which is something that you still do despite how hard it is to continue," she said in a small voice.

She slowly went towards me, her right hand caressed my cheeks as I closed my eyes and felt her warmth. It was as if she's assuring me that even if I fail. . .and even if I decide that I no longer want to continue writing in the near future. . .she'll always have my back.

"The world is cruel enough towards you. . .kaya dapat alam mong kakampi mo ako," her voice soothed the ache inside my chest. "You made me proud, Athanacia."

"Thank you. . ." I cried in her tiny arms.

She sniffed and tightly returned my embrace. "Thank you for still writing. Thank you for still being here."

It felt so real that when I woke up, I could still feel her tears on my shoulders. I could feel her hair on my skin. I could relive the moment that she said those words to me—she was proud of me for still writing, for living our dream together, and for not giving up even when it's the easier route for me to go.

Napangiti ako sa sarili ko nang bumangon mula sa panaginip na 'yon. I know that sometimes dreams are far from reality, kung minsan nga ay pinapakita lang nito ang mga bagay o pangyayari na matagal na nating iniisip. Maybe I was so conscious of how my younger self sees me now. . .and I'm glad that in my mind, I knew that I made her proud.

Kiran was busy for the next few days, kaya naman lahat ng mga paanyaya sa akin nila Ruby at Mineth ay pinuntahan ko. I was wearing a button down green shirt and beige slacks when I decided to meet them in a coffee shop near Ruby's work place. Sumunod si Mineth na naka-blue na dress, her figure was shaped by it so I was impressed.

Sabay kami ni Mineth pumunta roon dahil pareho naming miss si Ruby. We were also both guilty of being too busy to always say yes to her requests. Mahirap na kasi talaga makipagkita sa kan'ya dahil minsan ay paiba-iba rin ang schedule n'ya sa trabaho. I sometimes think that Ruby was tamed by her work load, ni hindi ko inaasahan na sa aming tatlo ay siya ang magiging workaholic.

Mineth quickly rushed towards our seat, umupo siya sa tabi ko at pinagsaklop ang dalawang kamay.

"Mapapatawad n'yo ba ako kung naging alipin ako ng pera?" She chuckled as soon as she made herself comfortable on her seat.

"Hindi," ani Mineth.

"Gets ka namin," pagsang-ayon ko sa kanila.

"I'm so sorry for being so busy!" Mineth groaned and opened the menu. Her eyes scanned the menu and I could see her salivating over the pictures of the food. "Alam n'yo ba ito na yata ang unang totoong pagkain ko sa linggo na ito!"

"What do you mean?" Sumimsim si Mineth sa kan'yang tubig.

"Puro yata ako convenience store dahil deadline ng mga kailangan kong ipasa ngayong linggo, quarter-end na rin kasi eh," she said then looked at me. "Buti nga pumayag kayo na dito na lang sa malapit sa akin magkita."

"Halata naman na busy ka, girl," sabi ni Mineth at ngumiti. "I'm proud of you."

Umangat ang tingin ni Ruby sa kan'ya, the tint of embarrassment flushed on her cheeks. "Parang tanga lang?! Proud ka pang nalulunod na ako sa trabaho ah!"

"No!" Tumawa si Mineth. "I'm proud because I can see that you're happy with your job. Naalala ko lang noon na sa ating tatlo, you always felt that you're being left out. . .or you're not good enough. Kaya ngayon na nakikita kong masaya ka sa larangan na pinili mo, I'm just happy that you're still making time for us."

"Hoy gaga ka," Mineth almost sniffed, as if she's crying. "Bakit ka nagpapa-iyak ng tanghaling tapat?"

"Pero totoo 'yon," I said and smiled at the two of them. "Who would have thought that time may pass but some things don't change? Like our bond? Isa sa mga kinatakutan ko noon ay baka hindi mo na kami maalala kapag nalayo ka sa amin, Ruby. . .I thought we lost you when you decided to shift courses."

Lumamlam ang mga mata n'ya. Tumikhim siya at muling binaon ang mga tingin sa menu. "Kung tutuusin ay ako nga dapat ang makaramdam no'n. I thought I needed to fit in, to always be updated with what you guys are going through, or to still catch up if I wanted to still be friends with you. . .pero hindi n'yo pinaramdam sa akin yung gap na 'yon. And at that moment, I knew that you guys were friends for keeps."

"Mauuna ba tayo mag-iyakan dito bago kumain?" pabirong saad ni Mineth na nagpipigil na rin ng mga luha.

I don't know but maybe it's the side where we gradually accept that we're no longer getting any younger and this friendship that we have cherished is something we can't afford to lose—pero kung lumipas man, o kung mapagiwanan man ng panahon. . .we're just glad that we were bound to meet each other in this life.

We proceeded to order some steak, at dahil si Ruby ang pinakamalapit dito ay nilibre n'ya kaming dalawa ni Mineth. Kaya naman sa susunod ay kami namang dalawa ang manglilibre. We only spent time talking to each other about our current fixation and what makes us busy.

"Si Mineth ay yung interview pa rin doon sa artista," pagsisiwalat ko, may ngisi sa labi.

"Patapos na 'no!" Mineth sharply said.

"Feeling ko pinatagal n'ya pa talaga eh," halakhak ni Ruby at nagtaas-baba ng kilay. "Gusto n'ya pa na matagal n'yang makakausap yung lalaki."

"Hoy, Ruby!" Mineth gritted her teeth but her cheeks were blushing warmly. "Dapat si Nacia ang inaasar nating dalawa! Sobrang dikit sa kan'ya ni Kiran! Mabuti nga't pinayagan 'yan na kitain tayong dalawa eh. Malay ko bang sobrang clingy pala ni Kiran?"

Riby shrugged off her shoulders. "Noon pa man, grabe na rin ang titig ni Kiran kay Nacia. Kung hindi ko nga lang alam na nauna talagang magkagusto itong kaibigan natin ay baka isipin kong si Kiran talaga ang patay na patay sa kan'ya eh."

"Eh? Totoo naman na si Kiran ang patay na patay!" Halakhak ni Mineth.

The topic shifted towards me so all the embarrassment was directed to me as well. Pero hindi tulad nila ay hindi ko kayang itanggi ang mga ito. I was aware that Kiran and I were all over each other, hindi ko rin itatanggi na halos magkapalit na kami ng mukha dahil pareho kaming patay na patay sa isa't isa. Our love was deeply embodied inside us.

I was portioning my food when I felt Mineth's gaze on me. Umangat ang tingin ko sa kan'ya dahil doon.

"Yes?" I probed.

Ngumiti siya sa akin. "I'm happy that you're back."

"Huh?" My eyebrows furrowed

"No'ng college tayo, ramdam na ramdam ko yung pagmamahal mo sa pagsusulat, na para bang kahit limang minuto lang ang natitirang oras sa 'yo ay ilalaan mo pa 'yon para makagawa ng isang tula," sabi ni Mineth, her gaze felt like a flash of nostalgia.

"Talaga?"

"Totoo 'yon. . .kaya nga nangliit ako dahil pakiramdam ko na iba yung passion n'yo kumpara sa akin. . .na bakit pa ako magsusulat kung kayo naman ang mas passionate kaysa sa akin?" Ruby laughed dryly. "But I gradually realized that my biggest mistake was not letting myself feel discouraged. . .hindi ko tuloy naisip na pag-igihan pa dahil hindi ko naranasan ang malugmok."

Napangiti naman ako. "Babalik ka pa ba para magsulat?"

"Hindi ko alam e. . .parang ang tanda ko na yata para magsulat pa ulit?" she laughed, but with a hint of embarassment.

Umirap si Mineth. "Ano ka ba?! Some authors published their books in their 40's. It's never too late to leave a book under your name in this world. At kung never ma-publish? That's okay. . .because your words matter, regardless when it was written or how the message will reach others."

"Minsan, kahit isang tao lang ang mabago ang pananaw dahil sa isinulat mo ay isang malaking bagay na," I said and offered a comforting smile once again. "So keep on writing! Maybe not now. . .but I hope you won't give up on it."

"I love you, girls. . ." Ruby sighed, sounding so touched. "Basta kapag may book signing kayo, dadayo talaga ako! Hindi ako papayag na hindi ako makakapunta!"

"I'm not really into writing a physical book but Nacia will probably be the first one to have her own book signing. . ." pasaring ni Mineth sa akin.

Napanguso ako. I was finally open to the idea of having a book signing. Ilang beses pa ako kinumbinsi nila Mineth dahil sayang naman daw kung hindi namin magagawa para sa launch ng Act Off Script na libro. . .we finally made the book version of it.

I had another idea but I totally scrapped it or shelved it. Pakiramdam ko ay mas malawak pa ang kwento nila Cali and Avo. . .as much as the movie did justice to the script, I feel like there's more to them.

Kiran was supportive towards it. Ilang araw na inuumaga ako sa pagsusulat at nakakatulog sa desk, magigising na lang ako na nasa kama na n'ya. He even cooked some food for me when I felt like skipping lunch just so I could finish a chapter. Kung minsan ay nararamdaman ko ang mga daliri n'ya sa aking balikat na minamasahe ako dahil ang tagal ko nang nakaupo.

He never made it feel like writing was something that I should feel ashamed of.

"Pupunta kayo?"

"Oo naman!" ani Mineth.

"We won't miss it! Mag-friendship over na tayo kung wala ka roon, Nacia!" Ruby smirked, as if that threat would bind us to a promise.

A warm smile plastered on my face. I've realized that I may not have the biggest readership. . .but I have friends who make writing easier for me. . .and maybe that's all I need to keep on writing.

After we ate and had a little catch up, sabay na kaming umuwi ni Mineth sa condominium na tinitirhan naming dalawa. When we were on the lift, I could sense Mineth's gaze on me.

"Hmm?" I turned to her.

"What's stopping you from living with Kiran? Hindi naman na kayo mga bata," sabi ni Mineth sa akin.

Napaisip ako sa tanong n'ya. I know that I already had this topic with Kiran himself. Kaya naman hindi na mahirap sa akin ang sagutin pa itong muli.

"Syempre ayaw kita iwan. . ."

"P'wede mo naman ako iwan. . .kung ako ang inaalala mo dahil share tayo sa renta, ngayon pa lang ay sinasabi ko na sa 'yo na okay lang," sabi ni Mineth. "Kamag-anak ko naman ang may ari nito eh. Saka, kung gano'n ay sisikapin ko na maging rent-to-own na lang ito. Huwag mo na ako isipin, Nacia."

I bit my lower lip. "Ayokong iwan ka. Hindi mo nga ako iniwan eh, hindi mo ako pinabayaan."

"Hindi mo naman ako iiwan, you're just growing. . ." Ngumiti si Mineth nang malumanay. "We're still friends, Nacia. Hindi naman nito babaguhin ang pagkakaibigan natin."

"Pero si Tonton kasi. . .nagaaral pa," sabi ko kay Mineth. "Saka parang masyado pang maaga para roon. Madalas naman na ako sa condo n'ya kaya hindi naman na big deal kung hindi pa kami magl-live in."

Tumango-tango si Mineth. "Pareho kayo ni Tonton. . .kasi ang iniisip naman ng kapatid mo ay ikaw. Hindi mo raw magawang sumama kay Kiran dahil takot kang iwan siya."

I bit my lower lip. "I did that before. Iniwan ko siya kina Nanay at Tatay, at hindi ako makatulog sa gabi nang maisip na mag-isa lang siya roon."

Matagal na ang huling usapan naming pamilya. May mga araw na kapag tumatawag sila ay sinasadya kong hindi sagutin; sa mga araw na 'yon ay walang tigil ang pag-iyak ko dahil ang hirap nilang ipagsawalang bahala. I know that I needed to leave them. . .I know that it might be selfish to live my own life. . .but at some point, how will I know who I am if I keep on chasing the version that they want me to be?

"Tonton doesn't blame you for it," sabi ni Mineth at hinawakan pa ako sa aking balikat. "Hindi ka n'ya sinisisi sa buhay na mayroon kayo. Kapatid ka n'ya. . .pero hindi mo siya obligasyon."

Doon ko napagtantuan na baka nga hindi lumalaki sa paningin ko si Tonton, na baka sa isip ko ay nananatili siyang isang batang kailangan kong gabayan. Nakakalimutan kong kahit papaano, habang lumilipas ang taon ay tumatanda na rin siya. Nagkakaroon na siya ng isip tungkol sa mga bagay-bagay.

When we arrived to our shared condo, nakita ko na may nakahain na pagkain. Doon ko nakita na halos abot na ni Tonton ang tuktok ng maliit na refrigerator namin. My eyes widened because. . .it was as if I was awakened from another dream.

"Nagluto na po ako ng hapunan," sabi ni Tonton at lumingon sa amin. "Adobong manok lang naman po."

"Talaga? Nag-uwi rin kami ng take out. . .sige kain ulit tayo," anyaya ni Mineth at umupo na sa maliit na dining table namin.

I sat on the other side of the table, lumingon si Tonton sa akin at ngumiti. We had another meal and this time. . .I still ate a lot because it was my brother's cooking.

"Ako na po maghuhugas. . ." Tatayo na sana si Tonton nang pigilan siya ni Mineth.

"Ako na! Wala akong masyadong kilos ngayong araw kaya hayaan mo na ako d'yan," ani Mineth at inagaw ang mga plato na liligpitin sana ni Tonton.

Nahihiyang yumuko si Tonton, ako naman ang kumuha ng atensyon n'ya nang mapansin na wala na si Mineth sa tabi namin.

"Anong plano mo sa senior high, Tonton?"

Who would have thought that time would pass like a whirlwind? 

"Sa. . .sa probinsya ako maga-aral," sagot sa akin ni Tonton. "Babalik po ako kina Tatay at Nanay."

"T-teka lang," I laughed nervously. "May problema ka ba sa mga eskwelahan dito? O masyado ba silang malayo? May kailangan ka ba sa probinsya kaya gusto mong doon ulit tumira?"

Umangat ang tingin ni Tonton sa akin. "Miss ko na si Nanay at Tatay, Ate Nacia."

"Ton. . ."

"Alam kong hindi sila yung mga perpektong mga magulang pero. . .halos araw-araw nila ako kinakamusta, hirap silang mag-commute pero kung minsan ay nakikipagkita sila sa akin. . ." Pumatak ang mga luha ni Tonton sa kan'yang mga mata. "Nirerespeto rin nila na ayaw mo pang makipagkita sa kanila."

My heart clenched against my chest. Panay ang tawag nila pero hindi nga sila nag-te-text sa akin. Siguro ay nagbabaka-sakali silang sasagutin ko ang mga tawag.

"All I do is disappoint them. . ." My fists curled. "Ano pa ba ang dapat naming pag-usapan?"

Ngumiti si Tonton sa akin. "Baka 'yon talaga ang kailangan natin bilang pamilya, Ate Nacia. . .ang mag-usap nang nakikinig ang lahat."

My lips parted when I heard his words. He really did grow up, it was as if he didn't need any guidance to act mature. Bata pa siya pero. . .pakiramdam ko mas mature pa siya sa akin, o baka sa isip ko ay mananatiling bata si Tonton habang ako ang Ate n'ya.

Tumayo si Tonton mula sa kan'yang inuupuan at may kinuha mula sa ilalim ng kama namin, pinanood ko siyang bumalik na may ngiti sa kan'yang labi.

"Hindi ko alam kung magkano ang total ng mga ginastos mo para sa akin. . .pero nag-ipon ako, Ate Nacia," aniya sabay pakita ng isang alkansya na sasabog na sobrang daming laman. "H-hindi ko alam kung kulang pa ito pero kung sakali. . .kapag nagka-trabaho ako pagkatapos mag-aral ay papatayuan kita ng sarili mong publishing company, Ate Nacia!"

My eyes stung, para itong tinusok dahil unti-unting lumabas ang mga luhang pinipigilan ko magmula pa kanina. Napahawak ako sa alkansya n'yang puno ng mga barya at mga papel na halos dumikit na sa mismong lalagyan nito, ibig sabihin ay matagal na siyang nagi-ipon.

"Nagtitinda ako sa school ng mga bananaque, o kaya graham balls," sabi n'ya sa akin. "Tinatago pa nga namin ni Ate Mineth mula sa 'yo dahil alam n'yang hindi ka papayag. . .pero sana tanggapin mo ito, Ate Nacia."

"Tonton. . .hindi mo," my voice cracked as I rubbed my eyes, my fists were damped with my tears. "Hindi mo kailangan bayaran 'yon. Ano ka ba?! Kapatid kita eh."

"A-alam kong binenta mo yung script mo para sa akin noon," Tonton's voice catches on his throat, as if it broke in the middle of his sentence. "Ang dami mong sakripisyo para sa akin. . .ni wala man lang akong magawa para sa 'yo."

"Kapatid mo ako. . ."

"Kapatid mo rin ako, Ate Nacia," mahina n'yang sambit. "Kaya sana ay naaasahan mo rin ako kapag kailangan mo ng tulong."

I didn't need his money, and even if I had to sell my first script once again to save his life—I would do it in a heartbeat. No questions asked.

I remember telling myself that I didn't want to write to receive any monetary returns—pero ngayon ay naisip ko na kung kailangan kong ibenta lahat ng mga sinulat ko para iligtas ang taong nand'yan sa akin habang nililikha sila. . .I won't regret taking off my name to every book I had just so I could spend more time with the people I love.

I was never a slave of capitalism—but I also have to acknowledge that writing is still a profession and I deserve to earn from it.

Lumapit siya sa akin at unti-unti akong niyakap. I felt his warmth transcends through our skin. Lalong nagsipagunahan ang pagtulo ng aking mga luha.

"Mahal kita, Ate Nacia. . ." Tonton said through whispering, his embrace tightening. "Okay lang sa akin na piliin mo naman ang sarili mo, hindi mo kailangan palaging may isaalang-alang na ibang tao bago ka gumawa ng desisyon. At kung may gusto kang gawin pero iniisip mo kung paano ako? Sana alam mong kaya ko na rin mag-isa. . .ikaw ang nagturo sa akin na p'wede ko namang kayanin mag-isa nang hindi nahihiyang humingi ng tulong kapag hindi na."

. ₊ ⊹ . ₊˖ . ₊

Nirerespeto ko yung desisyon ni Tonton. It took a lot for me to answer one of their calls. My fingers were trembling as soon as I slid the green button on my phone to permit them from talking to me.

"Nacia. . ." malumanay na sagot ni Tatay sa tawag mula sa kanila. "Kamusta ka?"

My tears gave in. My pain slowly seeped through my veins. Ang akala kong sakit na tinakasan ko ay nandito pa rin sa aking dibdib. I thought I can already move on and accept that they won't be proud of me. Kaya bakit. . .bakit ako bumibigay sa simpling pangangamusta nila sa akin?

We had an awkward conversation through the phone, ramdam ko na kahit sila ay nangangapa sa pagkausap sa akin. Yet, I can finally feel the relief inside my chest because they told me their plans for Tonton. Hindi ako naniniwalang nagbago na sila. . .pero hindi ko rin ipagkakaila sa kanila na maaaring kahit paano ay sinusubukan nilang magbago. That's all that matters, anyway.

Nagpaalam din ako kung p'wede bang magsama kami ni Kiran sa iisang bahay, it was only hypothetical but I wanted to hear their opinions first. Kahit naman malayo na ang loob ko sa kanila, irerespeto ko pa rin na sila ang mga magulang ko kaya gusto kong alam din nila kung sakali.

"Siya ang nag-alaga sa 'yo no'ng mga panahon na hindi ka makalapit sa amin kaya naiintindihan ko kung bakit gusto mong siya ang makasama. . ." ani Nanay sa mahinang tono. "At alam ko naman na nasa tamang pagi-isip ka na para mag-desisyon para sa sarili mo."

"Kung saan ka sasaya, Nacia. . .hayaan mo na ang sarili mong gumawa ng desisyon, at hahayaan ka na namin matuto sa sarili mong mga paa." dugtong ni Tatay.

The call was briefly ended because they still had to do things for tomorrow. Pero sa ilang minuto na nilaan namin para sa isa't isa ay marami akong nalaman tungkol sa kanila. Si Nanay ay nagtayo ng isang maliit na canteen, samantalang nagpalit naman ng pampasaherong sasakyan si Tatay para raw mas ganahan siyang byumahe. I could feel their longing for us, their children, so I exasperatedly sighed.

I was happy that I got to talk to them again, this time, we were not shouting at each other. We no longer need to scream our inner feelings, we can resonate with longing for each other without feeling the weight of it.

Abala si Kiran sa paggawa ng isang dokumentaryo na ipapasok nila sa Cinemalaya. This time, he was determined to have it on the screen. Hindi rin sila natakot na magbitaw ng mga pangalan na sangkot, at kung anu-anong mga karumal-dumal na butas ang pilit nilang nireremedyuhan.

Since we both have a lot in our plates, tinuloy ko na rin ang pakikipagkita kay Rien at Pearl Ivy. Nauna si Rien sa isang Italian restaurant na pinili ni Ivy dahil ito ang pinakamalapit sa eskwelahan n'ya. We ordered pasta and some bread on the side, hindi nga namin magalaw dahil mukhang pare-pareho pala kaming busog.

"K-kilala mo si tocrescent?" mahinang sambit ni Pearl Ivy na ngayon ay nakaupo sa harap naming dalawa ni Rien.

Rien looked at me, his gaze momentarily went to my side before sighing.

"Yup. . .editor n'ya ako," sagot ni Rien. "Personal editor bukod kay Mineth at sa mga tiga-Likha."

Pearl Ivy's lips pursed. "That's g-great! Hindi naman talaga siya galit sa akin ano?"

"Why would you say that?" Rien's eyes narrowed at Pearl Ivy's words.

"Eh kasi, kalat sa Twitter na ayaw n'ya sa akin dahil isa ako sa mga sumisira sa literatura ng Pilipinas, something that she has been trying to fix for so long. Maayos kasi siya magsulat tapos. . .sa akin dinidikit ang mga librong ginagawa ngayon sa Pilipinas, naiintindihan ko naman kung bakit siya disappointed eh."

My lips pressed in a thin line, what I've heard from her is downgrading and disrespectful. Hindi naman kasalanan ni Pearl Ivy kung ang storya n'ya ang patok.

"I don't get it. . ." sabi ni Rien habang sumisimsim sa inumin n'ya. He placed his glass on the table and looked at Pearl Ivy. "What makes you think it's your fault that people choose you instead of other writers?"

"E-eh kasi, totoo naman? Hindi naman talaga ako yung dapat binibida sa mga best seller list o kaya madalas nababalandra ang mga libro sa mga bookstores. Totoo naman na dapat ay yung mga literature na mas matututo yung mga kabataan," sagot ni Pearl Ivy.

Rien scoffed at her. "Are you a doormat? So, kung sinabi nilang tae ka at hindi ka tao, maniniwala ka agad?"

"Hindi!" ani Pearl Ivy at rumihistro sa mukha ang dismaya.

"Then don't believe what people feed you in such haste. Alam mo, di ka pa buhay at wala pa ang mga libro mo, nand'yan na yung mga literature na pilit nilang sinusungalngal sa bibig ng mga kabataan. Binasa ba nila? Hindi. Sometimes people can only read for entertainment or something that they can resonate with. Hindi na ba nila babasahin yung mga literature na sinulat noon? Hindi rin. They will read it once they want to gain insights from reading." 

Pareho kaming natigalgal sa narinig mula kay Rien. I never pegged him as the talkative type, but now that I've heard his thoughts, I can guarantee that he really is tocrescent. Hindi man malalalim ang gamit n'yang mga salita ngayon, he made sure to make a point.

"It's like giving a fucking history book to a toddler," iritadong sabi ni Rien. "Malamang ay hindi 'yon maiintindihan ng bata agad. . .kaya magsisimula siya sa mga picture books, sa mga kwentong pambata, sa mga pocket novels, hanggang sa siya na mismo ang magsasabi na gusto n'yang magbasa ng history book."

Tumango-tango si Pearl Ivy, nahawa lang din ako dahil naiintindihan ko ang punto ni Rien.

"Ang tunay na dapat managot din dito ay yung mga bookstores na pinu-pull out yung mga libro na gano'n, o ang gobyerno na wala masyadong ginagawa para magkaroon ng maraming public access na library. I know we should market our own books, but never at the expense of other writers. P'wede naman talagang hilahin paitaas nang walang tinatapakan na iba."

"So. . .the reason why the literature is trash in our country is not my fault?" mahinang sambit ni Pearl Ivy, her eyes lowering down.

"Magiging kasalanan mo lang siya kung pipiliin mo na hindi mag-improve sa pagsusulat," sagot ni Rien. "So as long as the writers are progressive in our country, our literature would never be considered trash."

I think. . .I finally know how why tocrescent and Rien are the same being even if they show different personalities. Doon ko napagtantuan na kahit ibang pangalan ang gamit n'ya, Rien managed to still use and thread his words carefully. Prangka pero hindi nananakit; palaging gano'n ang atake ng kan'yang pananalita.

Pearl Ivy managed to open up about her experience as a writer, at si Rien naman ay nakikinig lang sa kan'ya. Sa huli ay naliwanagan si Pearl Ivy na imposibleng magalit si tocrescent sa kan'ya. . .dahil wala naman dapat talagang ikagalit. All of her doubts faded as soon as Rien confirmed that it was just the readers.

"Do you think the author should be blamed for their readers' behavior?" tanong sa akin ni Rien habang binabagtas namin ang daan patungo sa isang bookstore.

"Hm. . .to some extent? Oo at hindi," sagot ko sa kan'ya. "iniisip ko lang na hindi naman kasi tayo ang nagpalaki sa mga readers natin. May mga kan'ya-kan'yang buhay sila, iba't iba talaga ang mga ugali nila. We can only control the contents of our writing but beyond that. . .we are not liable for how they act."

"Pero nakaka-guilty kasi 'no?" he lightly chuckled. "Like what can I do? Pagalitan sila?"

"Maybe. . .reinforced the lessons of our books. . .wala naman tayong librong ginawa na nagturo na maging mapagtaas o magdulot ng trauma sa ibang tao," I said.

When we entered the book store, agad kaming pumunta sa section kung nasaan ang mga libro namin. Halos wala ng copies ang kay Rien, samantalang nasa gitna at pinakamaraming kopya naman ang kay Pearl Ivy. Whereas, I can't find my book in this section. Siguro na-pull out na? Hindi ko alam.

"Nacia," Rien whispered and tugged at my shirt. "Yung libro mo, nasa counter na."

Lumingon ako sa may counter at kita ko roon ang isang batang babae na hawak ang libro ko. There was a peaceful smile on her face, kita ko rin ang pinangbayad n'ya na puro barya. Mukhang pinag-ipunan n'ya pa ang libro ko.

My heart clenched against my chest. I never thought. . .a scene like this could exist. I thought that being a best seller is just a gimmick, I never honored the fact that real people really bought my work with their hard earned money. Kaya naman ngayon ay halos sumabog ang puso ko sa sobrang galak.

Halos maluha ako pero pinigilan ko lang at napangiti. This will be my new dream. . .to create more books for those who believe in my words.

After buying some books, nagkayayaan na kaming umuwi. Rien bought Pearl Ivy's book, at sinabing ibibigay n'ya ito kay tocrescent. Pearl Ivy was beyond happy, and she gave me a free copy of her book. Wala na kasing kopya ang libro ko kaya hindi siya nakabili at may mga libro na siya ni tocrescent kaya hindi na rin siya muling bumili pa.

It's nice when authors can support their co-authors. Mas nakakatuwa tingnan na walang inggit na nananalaytay sa aming tatlo. I have Mineth and Ruby as friends so I never experienced having a writer friend who was jealous of me. Ang hirap din kasi talaga kapag may inggit sa puso mo—hindi siya maiiwasan pero alam ko naman na lahat kami ay mabibigyan ng pagkakataon na maglahad ng kwento namin sa mga tao.

Some writers found their calling at an early age, some only wrote their stories when their season almost withered. May kan'ya-kan'yang panahon lang talaga kami. I don't mind. . .waiting for my season, even if it will take a while or even if it won't come. . .I will still keep writing.

That night, tocrescent opened his account and took a picture of his desk. . .showing a dimly lit room with only a single glow coming from a night light casting over a book. . .Pearl Ivy's debut book, with its spine barely showing any creases, which can be found besides his laptop. It was a post that didn't need any caption, but it showed that there was no animosity between the writers.

What we talked about resonated with me, it gave me courage to have my first ever book signing. Halos lahat ng kakilala ko ay nagulat dahil alam naman nila kung gaano ako ka-against sa ideya na mag-book signing. I find it hard to imagine it myself. Paano kung walang magpapirma? Paano kung sinayang ko ang budget ng mismong publisher? Paano kung. . .paano kung. . .magsisi ako na hindi ko nagawang pumirma sa harap ng mga readers ko? Paano kung ma-enjoy ko? Paano ko malalaman kung hindi ko susubukan?

I exhaled sharply as I looked at the vanity mirror at the backstage. Mineth applied make up on me, ilang beses ko pang hinihila pababa ang suot kong dress. It was a green floral dress, and I was wearing some white sandals. Inayos din ni Mineth ang buhok ko, she curled some of its tips.

"I don't think—" my voice was caught halfway through my throat as I struggled to find the right words to say. "I really think I'm making such a big mistake right now."

"Ilang taon ka na sa pagsusulat. . .and yet you're still beginning to see yourself as a writer," sabi ni Mineth at minasahe pa ang mga balikat ko. "You deserve this. You deserve to feel loved."

Napapikit ako.

I can barely feel my nerves, halos puro lamig lang mula sa aircon ang ramdam ko. This book signing gives my stomach the ability to somersault. Partida ay wala pa akong kain. I kept on pinching my own fingers, digging my nails on my finger pads.

Ilang beses ako nagbuntonghininga at hinintay matawag ang pangalan ko. The introduction program was short before we were called upon the stage and when I heard the crowd cheering for my name. . .it felt like serenity instead of noises. Sa stage kung saan ginanap ang book signing namin ng mga kasama kong authors ay hindi ako mapakali. There were books on our side, para kung sakaling wala pang magpapapirma ay may pinipirmahan pa rin kaming mga libro.

I saw Mineth and Ruby on the side of the stage, they were giving me silent cheers as they told me to go sit on my chair. Si Kiran naman na naka-flannel shirt at pants ay nasa likod nila, he was towering over my friends. May hawak siyang camera at binigyan n'ya ako ng isang ngiti bago kinaway ang isang kamay sa akin. I smiled at them as I went to my seat, hindi pa rin napapawi ang kaba pero maginhawa na ang pakiramdam dahil nand'yan sila.

I was busy opening the cap of my sharpie, sinusubukan kong pakalmahin ang sarili ko dahil nakita ko na may pila para sa akin. . .malayo ang tingin ko dahil hindi ko magawang bumuo ng eye contact sa kanila. Maybe because I didn't expect that people would actually come here to meet me, akala ko ay masyadong hassle para puntahan ang isang tulad ko.

"Uhm, ano pong pangalan?" nakayukong tanong ko sa unang nagpapapirma, ni hindi ko magawang tumingala dahil nahihiya ako.

"Para sa anak ko," mahinang sambit ng pamilyar na boses. My eyes immediately stings, as if the smell of onions prick my sight.

Umangat ang tingin ko at ang nakita kong unang nasa pila ay ang aking Tatay, sa likod n'ya ay si Nanay at si Tonton na may hawak na kopya ng aking libro. My heart swelled in happiness as I saw them smiling at me.

"P'wede palagay na. . .proud ako sa kan'ya," sabi ni Tatay sa boses na garalgal. "Masaya ako para sa kan'ya."

Tumango-tango ako, halos mamugto agad ang mga mata dahil sa sidhi ng nararamdaman.

My pen managed to write my own name on my father's copy of my book.

To Nacia,

I'm proud of you. The people you love are also proud of you. May this be a reason for you to be proud of yourself too. I hope you can honor your growth, your achievements, and your bravery to keep on writing in this world.

You may not have changed this world. . .but you can create your own world. And that's something you can be proud of.

Be proud of yourself more.

truly yours,
deepyawns