Chapter 39
. ₊ ⊹ . ₊˖ . ₊

Oftentimes, we find ourselves enjoying the most mundane things. Some may find it boring, even calling it as a daily life happening but there's a different kind of joy that you can find in the small corners of a simple home that you can share with someone you love. I used to dream of living inside a grand mansion, but time has shaped me into someone wanting a simple bungalow so as long as my loved ones can call it their shelter during the storms that may come in our life. As I grow older, I've also realized that it's not the high ceiling or even a spacious living room that matters; it's the people that you want to come home to. It's their thoughtful gesture of always reminding you where they put your stuff, it's when they text you when you're still not home, and stay up at night for you if you need someone to open the gate for you.

Right now, I can finally call Kiran, my home.

"Bakit ayaw mong mag-book signing?" mahinang tanong ni Kiran habang ang mga daliri ay sinusuklay ang aking buhok.

"Baka walang pumunta," maagap kong sagot.

I was reading a book while my head was in his lap, sinita n'ya ako na nakakalabo ng mata yung ginagawa ko pero sabi ko naman sinusulit ko lang kung sakaling magpapa-lasik surgery ako at least mataas na talaga yung grado ng mga mata ko.

He only shook his head as he flicked my forehead. Pero hinayaan naman n'ya ako tapusin ang librong binabasa ko.

"Nacia. . ." He gulped the bile on his throat, as if he felt awkwardness building between us.

"What?" I asked, my eyes not straying on the book.

"Yan ba talaga hilig mong basahin ngayon?" He chuckled as his hands travelled on my stomach. "Kinda. . .suggestive, if you'd ask me."

Sumilip ako sa kan'ya, my eyes blinking. Tiningnan ko yung title ng binabasa ko, ano naman ang suggestive sa libro ni Pearl Ivy? Hindi naman alien si Kiran para buntisin ako ng isang daang beses.

"Book two na ito, My Alien Hubby Breeds Me for the 100th Time," basa ko sa title ng librong hawak ko.

Humagalpak sa tawa si Kiran, his head tilting backward as his laughter reverberated through his chest. Ang gwapo n'ya talaga kahit anong gawin n'ya. . .I can't help but smile because of his gesture.

"Bakit gan'yan ang mga binabasa mo ngayon? What happened to my girl who likes Jane Austen and Lualhati Bautista?" he asked with a small smile on his lips.

"I still love Jane Austen and Lualhati Bautista," I pointed out, my lips pursed. "Pero wala rin palang masama magbasa ng mga pang-entertainment lang na libro. I think some people like to harrassed those who enjoy books that are not really that serious, not knowing that maybe life is a little too hard on them so they want an instant escape from it."

Hindi naman kasi lahat ng nagbabasa ay gustong matuto. Hindi lahat ng nagbabasa gusto ng malalim. Some of them just want a simple book that can serve as their sheltered nook from their harsh reality. Kaya naman nakuha ko na ngayon kung bakit maraming mambabasa si Pearl Ivy. . .dahil maraming gustong tumakas sa reyalidad nila.

"She's my friend. . .that's why I'm reading her works," sabi ko. "Alam mo ba? Bata pa siya. . .pero nakikitaan ko na mas malayo pa ang mararating n'ya."

"You're really supportive of your co-writers, huh?" He smiled as he continued to rake my hair.

Ngumiti ako at binuklat muli ang librong binabasa. "Sino na lang ba ang magkakampihan kung di kami lang din? I don't see the need to dim someone else's light to make mine illuminate more. Hindi ba ang goal naman namin ay mas maging maliwanag ang mundong ito? By trying to blow the light from their candle, I'm doing more damage to writing community more than to the person herself."

I don't want to be remembered because I ruined someone. Yet, that's inevitable because some people tainted me as well but got away with it. Killian. . .was still out there, doing his usual performative actions and still having the position of the Senate President.

Napapikit ako.

"Are you okay?" Kiran asked, ang mga daliri ay huminto sa pagsuklay sa aking buhok.

"Have you contacted your father?" mahinang sambit ko. Pinaghalong takot at kaba ang pumapaibabaw sa aking boses.

"We've lost contacted years ago," malamig n'yang sagot. "He was never a father to me anyway. Pakiramdam ko. . .kaya lang naman ako nandito dahil kung sakaling hindi man n'ya magustuhan ang tinatahak ni Kile, he has me."

"Does he scare you?"

"No. . .kaya nga siguro ikaw ang nilapitan n'ya. . .I have nothing to lose, Nacia. You're the only one that I consider a loss if ever we never talked again," he mumbled as his voice soothed me.

Unti-unti akong tumayo mula sa pagkakahiga. I stared at him, it felt like forever since I managed to look at his face. I always felt ashamed for hurting him because he didn't deserve any of it, but here's still here. . .at mahal n'ya pa rin ako. It was as if no one could hurt his heart but he made it breakable for me.

"Mahal kita," I mumbled using my soft voice. "And the only regret I have in this life was hurting you in the process of trying to escape pain."

He smiled. "I love you, Nacia."

I didn't regret being a writer. I don't even regret leaving my parents as soon as I could. I didn't regret selling that script, so as long as I could help my only brother. The only regret that would haunt me in time immemorial is hurting the only person incapable of making me feel less—Kiran Conjuanco, you're the bits and pieces of all the love interests in my books. You're the first paragraph, and the last words that would end my book. I am grateful to have you in this life.

Pakiramdam ko nagsulat lang ako para maging bahagi ng mundo n'ya.

Sa mga sumunod na araw ay wala kaming ginawa ni Kiran kung di mas kilalanin ang isa't isa, na para bang hindi pa namin nagawa o ginawa 'yon. Palagi n'yang hawak ang kamay ko, at tinitingnan n'ya ito na para bang isa itong mamahalin bagay. I would glance at him but his focus would only be on our hands together.

We decided to stroll in Parqal, at kada may makikitang magandang spot si Kiran ay pinapapunta n'ya ako roon para kuhanin ng picture.

"Nak, tayo ka d'yan," biro ni Kiran habang tinuturo yung lamppost. "Maganda yung lighting!"

"Mamaya doon na sa dancing fountain mo ako papuntahin ah," biro ko pabalik.

Ngumisi lang siya at napailing.

Humilig ako sa lamppost at hinayaan siya kuhanan ako ng mga litrato. I don't really take pictures of myself. Kapag kakain, mas nauuna ko pa picture-an ang pagkain. Kapag nasa outing, palaging ang mga tanawin lang ng dagat, bundok, at daan ang laman ng aking cellphone. I never really know how I look, or left any remnants of myself in the places that I went to.

When we got tired of strolling around the mall, nagyaya na si Kiran kumain sa isang Vietnamese restaurant dahil halos maghahatinggabi na rin.

"Wala ka ni isang picture mo," puna ko sa kan'ya habang paakyat kami ng escalator. Puro ako lang yata ang laman ng dala-dala n'yang digicam.

"It's okay," he said. "I don't really like filming or taking pictures of myself, anyway."

"Talaga?"

"Oo. . .but I like the idea of immortalizing people, places, events, and how they can evoke emotions out of us in spite of the time that we have met them, went to it, and experienced it," litanya ni Kiran at lumingon sa akin. "I love the idea of making sure the world knows that I have fallen only once in my life. . .and it's with you, Nacia."

Napanguso ako.

Walang araw na hindi n'ya pinaalalang mahal n'ya ako. As someone who had to grow up knowing that people love me but they can't say it out loud, it was new to experience the love that he has for me. Parang pinagsisigawan. Parang isang pangako. Parang isang paniniwala.

We went inside the Vietnamese restaurant that Kiran recommended. Agad naman kaming binigyan ng menu pero nangunot ang noo ko. I wasn't familiar with the food, but they all seemed to look like they were delicious.

"You should try their Phở Nạm," sabi ni Kiran habang nakatingin sa menu. "But if you don't like noodles, try mo rin yung Bánh mì nila, it's good too."

We ordered both and decided to just share the food together, pareho kasi kaming mabilis mabusog. Doon din ay nag-open sa akin si Kiran tungkol sa pagkain.

"I never truly enjoyed eating. . ." sabi ni Kiran at humigop sa sabaw ng in-order naming noodles. "I only enjoy eating with you."

"Kaya ba. . .hindi ka masyado kumakain nung nasa taping tayo ng Act Off Script?" tanong ko sa kan'ya.

Naalala ko na kung di ko pa ipapaalala ay hindi siya kakain, o kung wala pang magdadala ng pagkain sa kan'ya ay tuluyan siyang malilipasan ng gutom. I would often look at it and assume that he's not hungry, o masyado siyang focused sa pagiging director.

"Kahit noon. . .kasi hindi kami kakain nang wala si Kile," he laughed. "Fuck, naalala ko gutom na ako pero hihintayin ko pa umuwi si Kile para makakain."

My lips were tightly sealed. Both of them really had a complicated relationship with each other. There was a shift of emotion in Kiran's eyes, nanumbalik ang pagiging kalmado n'ya nang mapagtantuuan na ako pa rin naman ang kausap n'ya.

"I don't hate Kile. . ." Kiran mumbled as he looked at the side dish, or condiments for our noodles. "I just feel like sometimes I want to be born the same way that he was. . .hindi kinakahiya, hindi pangalawang pipiliin, at uunahin palaging intindihin."

"Your father is a shithole," I cussed and drank my water. Masarap ang tubig nila sa restaurant na ito dahil lasang pandan. Kahit hindi na kami nag-juice ay sa tubig pa lang yata ay busog na ako.

Ngumisi siya at binalik ang tingin sa kinakain n'yang noodles, he swirled some noodles using the wooden chopstick. "Murahin mo nga ulit. I like it when people talk shit about that man. I would forever loathe him. . .and fuck why did I have to see him as someone that I needed to please before? Is it truly possible to love someone who made it hell for you to live every single fucking day. . ."

"What do you mean?"

Napabuntonghininga siya. "Naalala ko lang na nagrebelde ako noon dahil akala ko ay mapapansin n'ya ako. I surrounded myself with people who only knew me as a Conjuanco, fucking learned par five in golf thinking he would finally introduce me to his friends. . .and waited for him to always come home at night even when I know that he always checks on Kile first before going to sleep."

Humapdi ang puso ko sa narinig mula sa kan'ya, tila pinipiraso ito dahil sa mga salitang lumabas sa kan'yang bibig. I was always open about my pain from my family, pero ngayon ko lang halos narinig ang mga ito kay Kiran.

Umangat ang tingin n'ya sa akin. "Dumating ako sa punto na takot akong banggitin si Kile dahil alam kong makakalimutan na naman nilang ako si Kiran, hindi lang kapatid ni Kile ang dapat na pakilala sa akin."

"Pero kinakausap mo na siya ngayon. . .hindi mo ba 'yon naiisip? Are you already comfortable with the fact that both of you are brothers?"

"I never really. . .wanted to hate him," he mumbled, pinanood ko siyang uminom bago tuluyang magsalita muli. "Kaya siguro nang matanggap ko na hindi na ako kailanman mamahalin ni Papa. . .doon ko mas nakita ang presensya ni Kuya Kile, na hindi rin naman n'ya ginusto ang mga pangyayari na ito. He was just a victim, we were just having a different set of pain from the same person."

Unti-unti akong ngumiti. I noticed how he got his hair trimmed, how his skin offers more warmth now, and the subtle changes of his features as time goes by. Doon ko napagtantuan na hindi lang oras ang lumipas sa aming dalawa; marami na rin talaga ang nagbago dahil mas naiintindihan na namin ang isa't isa ngayon.

Kiran really grew up.

I'm beyond proud of him.

I was afraid of wounding him because I had never been the kind of person to hurt anyone intentionally. He feared the moment that I took steps back away from him, because he knew that no one before me had stayed for that long. Pareho naming nasaktan ang isa't isa dahil hindi naman pare-pareho ang emotional gauges namin. . .but now, I'm glad that we're starting to meet each other completely.

Ang huli naming pinuntahan ay ang isang photobooth. People were teeming as they roamed around to find accessories to clothed themselves with. I was intrigued, so my eyes immediately scanned the area where the headbands were. May mga taong nasa harap din ng mga salamin upang mag-ayos. Si Kiran naman ay agad na kumunot ang noo nang makita kung saan ako nakatingin.

"I want the mushroom," dinuro ko yung mushroom na headband kay Kiran. "Tapos ikaw na bahala kung ano yung susuot mo."

"I'll get the dinosaur," sabi ni Kiran at kinuha na sa rack yung mushroom at dinosaur na headbands. Kukunin ko na dapat sa kamay n'ya yung mushroom pero nagulat ako nang siya mismo ang magsuot nito sa akin.

He gently parted my bangs, inayos n'ya ang bawat hibla bago pinatong ang mushroom na headband sa aking ulo. Hindi pa siya huminto at sinuklay pa ang aking buhok gamit ng kan'yang mga daliri.

He smiled at me lovingly.

"You look beautiful," Kiran said, his hands gently removing a strand of hair and keeping it behind my ear.

Ngumuso ako. "Suotin mo na yung dinosaur."

Ngumisi siya. "Nakalimutan ko yung mga anak natin! Sayang, family photo na sana."

I frowned almost immediately upon hearing him say it. Naalala ko lang yung mga stuff toy na napanalunan n'ya, all of them were well taken care of. May sariling kwarto pa nga yung tatlo sa mismong condo ni Kiran. Minsan din ay naghahanap siya ng damit nung tatlo, kaso mahirap naman kasi damitan yung gagamba. Ewan ko ba sa isang 'yon.

When a photo booth was finally available to be occupied, agad namin itong pinuntahan ni Kiran. Sinarado ko na yung kurtina at pinanood si Kiran na mag-operate ng machine. I saw how his eyes were glistening, as if he was a kid finally getting to experience playing his favorite game.

Napangiti naman ako. Mahal na mahal n'ya talaga ang pagkuha ng mga larawan. Noon pa man, isa na ito sa mga bagay na hindi n'ya kaya itanggi. It was as if he was born to hold on a camera, to capture every golden moment in his life.

The two of us were cocooned inside the four-cornered small room, with the pastel background, and the rack beside the machine where we can put our belongings. Nakita ko rin ang isang maliit na upuan. . .ako ang gagamit no'n! Wala akong kalaban-laban sa height ni Kiran eh!

We stood in front of the machine's screen as the timer starts to go down, hawak-hawak ni Kiran yung remote at habang nagpa-panic ako kung anong pose ang maganda para sa unang kuha, nagulat na lang ako nang akbayan n'ya ako at unti-unting hinila papalapit sa kan'ya. The flash caught me off guard, I tried to crack a smile but I felt Kiran's hands slowly going down on my waist and once again pulled me closer to his chest.

"Don't think of a pose," Kiran muttered in my ears. "Just let it capture our moments."

My shoulders loosened as soon as I heard him saying those words. Hinayaan ko na ang sarili ko na maging awkward sa mga sumunod na litrato. He let me ruffled his hair, we had mischievous grins as we leaned towards the screen, and the last one was a sudden kiss from me to him. Hindi na siya nagulat dahil tumugon siya sa halik ko at pinalalim ito.

He's right. I was too uptight, too dull, and my words were too scripted. He wanted me to enjoy the moment because it is where true happiness comes from. Pictures with candid moments, silly faces, and awkward smiles feel more genuine than a perfectly curated picture.

Kiran. . .really wanted me to act off script; to experience living my life just like how it is supposed to be lived. . .like it's my first time.

"Bakit ang dami mong kopya?" tanong ko sa kan'ya dahil apat yata ang mayroon siya.

"Tigiisa yung anak natin sa bahay," he simply said. "Ayoko mag-agawan silang tatlo."

Napailing-iling na lang ako. Hindi ko alam kay Kiran pero ako talaga ang unang tatakbo sa aming dalawa kapag may isa sa mga 'yon ang biglang nagsalita at tawagin siyang 'daddy'.

The days went forward as the construction was slowly being finished. Madalas kaming nasa labas dahil nga may iilang renovations ang ginagawa sa condo n'ya. When it was finally done. . .two women came in to surprise Kiran.

The woman with short curly hair opened the confetti, tiny colored papers erupted midair as soon as we stepped inside. Kasama n'ya ang isang morena na may hawak na dalawang black label.

Both of our eyes widened. Napalingon ako kay Kiran at kitang-kita ko na namutla siya at binaling ang tingin sa akin.

"Oh my," the morena girl, who was much taller than me, started to tower over my body. "Totoo pala ang balita na lover boy ka na?"

"Lotte, paano ba 'yan? Nakakalamang na kami sa 'yo," the other girl chuckled.

"Ulol, Ziah! Kung si Ryker lang din ang magiging boyfriend ko, huwag na lang ako pumasok sa relasyon! Tingnan mo nga sitwasyon mo ngayon? Para kang naging certified fur mom dahil dalawa na aso mo, naka-breast feed pa yung isa!" Lotte stuck out her tongue then turned her attention to me.

"Hello po," bati ko sa kanila at ngumiti. "Kayo po pala yung mga kaibigan ni Kiran."

I wouldn't lie and say that it didn't bother me that he had girl friends, both are stunning and gorgeous. Pero hindi ko alam kung bakit palagay ang loob ko sa kanila.

"I'm Ziah," pakilala nung magandang babae na may kulot na buhok. "Ikaw si Nacia 'di ba?"

Tumango-tango ako. I knew them as well, but only through their Instagram profiles. Ngayon ko pa lang talaga sila nakita nang harapan.

"Hi, baby girl," Lotte smirked at me and winked playfully. "Alam mo bang matagal ka na namin gustong makilala? Madamot lang 'yang boyfriend mo!"

"Paano n'ya hindi pinagdadamot? Kapag magkausap 'yan sa zoom, nagpapabango pa si Kiran, parang gago lang?" Ziah teased, a smirk playing on her lips.

Kiran's face flushed red, at habang namumula siya ay unti-unti n'yang pinandilatan si Ziah na tila ba pinapatahimik nito. Yet, it was only a trigger for Ziah to push his buttons more.

"Tara! May dala kaming alak!" anyaya ni Lotte habang papunta na sa counter top ng kusina. "Binyagan na natin yung mga pina-renovate mo!"

"Pinaayos n'ya lang yung condo n'ya nung may girlfriend na siya," sulsol ni Ziah at minata si Kiran.

"Sus, mga lalaki talaga 'no?" Hagikhik ni Lotte.

"Huy, wala?! Bawal na ba ako mag-ayos ng condo ngayon?" Kiran exclaimed, frustration mingling in his voice.

"Sa tagal mong pinarentahan, ngayon mo lang naisipan ipa-renovate? Halatang may uuwing maganda rito eh," halakhak ni Lotte at unti-unting lumingon sa akin. "Ingat ka rito at mukhang binabahay ka n'ya!"

Napangiti ako. I'm glad that Kiran found lively friends. Hindi siya sobrang sociable, hirap din siyang magsabi ng nararamdaman, at lung kadalasan ay hirap ang mga tao na intindihin siya. So, it's a relief on my part to know that some people would go through lengths just so they could understand him more.

Uminom silang tatlo, doble ang iniinom ni Kiran dahil ayaw kong uminom kaya siya ang sumasalo ng inumin ko. We insisted that he shouldn't but he did anyway.

Ziah kept looking at me, kapag nahuhuli ko siyang nakatingin ay ngumingiti siya sa akin. I would smile back at her. Para n'yang sinisiguro na comfortable ako sa sitwasyon namin ngayon. I really don't mind them being friends with Kiran.

Hindi ko nga makwento na grabe sila laitin ni Kiran sa likod nila eh. . .pero grabe rin sila ipagtanggol. So, I guess that friendships were built that way. It was weird but also fascinating to say the least.

"Alam mo ba 'yan si Kiran? Nagtetext 'yan sa amin," kwento ni Lotte, she downed another shot of black label. "Tingnan mo 'to."

I looked at the screen of her phone and saw at the messages between them, nasa iisang group chat silang tatlo.

Kiran:
sino mas pogi
yung rien o ako 😾😾😾

Lotte:
ikaw
baby ka namin eh

siya baby daddy namin HAHAHA

Nabulunan ako sa sarili kong tawa. I didn't know Kiran was that affected because of Rien. Ni hindi na nga namin pinaguusapan dahil akala ko ay lumipas na ang nararamdaman n'ya rito. But maybe, I'll open it up to him one of these days.

Ngumisi si Lotte sa akin. "Thank you for coming back to his life."

"Hmm?" Napalingon ako sa kan'ya. My eyes steadied on her.

"Ang totoo n'yan ay madalas siyang mangulila sa 'yo. . .it's just hard for him to say it because you made it feel like it was easy to leave him," sabi ni Lotte at muling ininom ang tagay na para sa kan'ya.

"I'm sorry. . ."

"Huwag kang mag-sorry?! There's nothing you could do at that point. . .and we all have our reasons why we make solid decisions, even if we are swayed by how we feel. . .palaging choice natin ang mga decision natin."

Tumango-tango ako.

"Take good care of Kiran, hmm?" She smiled gently. "Because I know, he'll take good care of you for as long as he lives."

Ngumiti ako sa kan'ya.

Ilang oras lang ay nagpaalam na sila. Nagpasundo sila sa boyfriend ni Ziah, na hindi na umakyat at hanggang lobby na lang dahil bumaba na agad yung dalawa.

"Huwag mong hayaan na gapangin ka n'ya!" Ziah exclaimed and hugged me tightly. "Ingat ka d'yan!"

"Umuwi ka na nga," Kiran hissed at her.

Lotte smirked, playfully. She waved her hand midair before giving me another wink. "Sleep well, mga babies namin!"

"Ang laki na ng anak natin, Lotte!" Halakhak ni Ziah.

"Di ba lang?! Parang dati ay walang alam sa condom!" tugon ni Lotte.

Pulang-pula na ang mukha ni Kiran ngayon, hindi ko alam kung dahil ba sa mga pinagsasabi ng kaibigan n'ya o dahil sa doble ang iniinom n'yang alak kanina.

When we went inside the condo once again, he plopped on his sofa. Kumuha ako ng yelo at tubig upang iabot sa kan'ya. I think he really needs to rest early. Ako na siguro ang magliligpit dahil iilan na lang naman ito, hinugasan na rin kanina ni Ziah yung mga nagamit sa kusina. Mga bote na lang yata ang natirang nakakalat.

"Nacia," he groaned against the sofa. Humarap siya sa akin.

"Yes?"

Mapungay ang kan'yang mga mata nang titigan ako. He smiled at me gently, as if he was trying to resonate with me more. "I'm sorry for comparing what you've gone through. . .I'm sorry for making you feel that you're alone. I'm sorry when I thought you abandoned me. . .even if I was hurt, I have no right to question your decisions."

Napalunok ako, I was clearly surprised by his sudden confession. Lumapit ako sa kan'ya at unti-unting hinawakan ang kan'yang kamay. He looked at me, his eyes were already misty. Hinigpitan n'ya ang hawak sa aking mga kamay.

"Nasaktan ka lang. . .normal 'yon."

"Kahit normal na masaktan, hindi normal sa akin ang masaktan ka rin, Nacia. I wasn't hurt because of the bribe. . .I was hurt because I wanted you to choose me. . .because you have always been my choice among all things. You'll always be the choice I'll never regret, Nacia."