Chapter 33

. ₊ ⊹ . ₊˖ . ₊

All my stories were a reflection of who I was, who I could be, and who I couldn't become. And so when they were hated, I was wholeheartedly affected by words thrown at them. I feel like I was being attacked, I was being dragged around, and thrown inside an arena full of people who are ready to throw every sharp object at me.

Yet, as life unfortunately trailed on, I no longer cared nor possessed the energy to fight against the tides of life. Pakiramdam ko ay nandito na lang ako para magbayad ng bills, magpasa ng gawain, at matulog.

It's ironic that hope only emerges when there's a hardship in your life. You wouldn't feel the absence of it if you weren't under an empty space of uncertainty. It's just like how light only flickers when there's darkness.

Matapos ang maikling interview, mas naging kalmante ang mga usapan namin. Rien took notes and handed me the storyboard that we could follow. Doon ko napansin na mas naging tao at buo ang mga karakter na kanina ay mga pawang pangalan lamang.

"Bale, shared file na lang ang mangyayari 'no?" tanong ni Rien sa akin at bahagyang umangat ang tingin. "I'll send you the link to the Google document."

I nodded slowly. Ang balak namin ni Rien ay pasadahan ang sulat ng bawat isa, pareho kasi kaming nangangapa dahil magkaiba kami ng estilo ng pagsusulat. Rien's poetic and flowery whereas I was more subtle but I don't sugarcoat my words. Mas gumagamit din siya ng Tagalog kumpara sa akin.

"Pahinga ka na," nagaalalang sabi ni Rien.

"Thank you," I smiled a bit. "Sa totoo lang, sa trabaho na ako nakakapagpahinga."

When I'm not working, mas active akong mag-isip tungkol sa mga nangyayari sa aking buhay. Doon ko napagtatantuan na para akong nahuhuli palagi at hindi ko alam kung tama pa ba ang tinatahak ko. Oftentimes, I would want to become busy so I don't have to think about it.

My phone beeped and I immediately groaned because as much as I wanted to say that I love working because it takes away my time to think about my problems; minsan ay ayoko rin puro trabaho lang ang inaatupag!

Kiran:
Family Outing with Tonton
Concert with Agape
ayan mga lakad mo sa akin.
don't forget the dates, got it?

Nacia:
This is noted.
Thank you!

Kiran:
so formal :/

Huh? Nangunot ang noo ko. Hindi ko alam kung bakit. . .ganito ang pakikitungo n'ya sa akin? Mas sanay ako no'ng aktibo siya sa pagiging malamig. I would understand it more; but this side of him. . .is still there for me? Hindi ko inakala.

Nacia:
Sorry.
Akala ko ay work-related kaya gano'n ang reply ko. Pero hindi ko talaga kakalimutan 'yon. Naka-mark na siya sa calendar ko.
[❤️]

He simply reacted with a quick heart to my message. Nagulat ako ang makitang may ellipsis agad sa conversation naming dalawa, it meant he was typing already as soon as he saw my message.

Kiran:
nacia

Nacia:
Yes?

Kiran:
if you're going to ask me about my favorite author, i'd answer franz kafka.

but if i'm not being pretentious, i know i'd say your name in a heartbeat.

so, thank you for still writing. . .even when it's easier to put down the pen. thank you for still living even when every breath feels like inhaling smokes of hard truth and inevitable suffering. thank you for being here, even when you're carrying the weight of being alive.

i'm proud of you. . .always. it never changed. i will always be proud of who you became today.

. ₊ ⊹ . ₊˖ . ₊

The announcement from the public speaker of the supermarket announced a huge sale on their meat products. Ang pagdausdos ng gulong ng mga carts ang nagpalingon sa amin sa dako na 'yon. Mineth and I were having our weekly grocery, kasama namin si Tonton na ngayon ay nasa may mga gulay; nakakahiya man aminin, siya ang marunong tumingin sa amin ng mga gulay na magaganda.

"Mas magaganda po yung mga may uod o maputik, Ate Nacia," giit ni Tonton habang nakakunot ang noo.

"Ew?" Ngumiwi si Mineth.

Lumingon sa kan'ya si Tonton. "Ibig po kasi sabihin wala masyadong pesticide na ginamit. Saka, sa lupa naman talaga po galing ang mga gulay, talagang magkakaroon ng dumi o madadapuan ng mga insekto pero p'wede naman po hugasan eh."

Napalunok si Mineth. "Grabe, para akong nag-ampon ng tatay."

Natawa naman ako at napailing. Pero ramdam ko rin 'yon kay Tonton. . .he grew up too fast, so sudden, and my heart squeezed because it felt like he was robbed of a childhood. Pinapanood ko kung paano n'ya piliin ang mga pinakamura sa mga gulay. . .hindi ko alam kung maganda bang marami na siyang alam tungkol sa mga ganito.

"Aalis pala kami ni Tonton," paalam ko kay Mineth. "Uh, magkikita sila ni Kiran."

Tumango si Mineth, she stared at me like she knew already. "Kaya pala bumabait yung isa eh."

"Mabait talaga si Kiran," sabi ko kay Mineth. "Siguro, matagal lang natin siyang hindi nakausap. Kasi kung di 'yon mabait, I doubt he would like to be on the same project as me. At, baka nga hindi na n'ya ako kinakausap."

"To be fair, you were the one who broke up with him. . .hindi ba sumagi sa isip mo na baka gusto ka pa rin n'ya? That there's lingering feelings left inside him?" ani Mineth at p-in-ush na yung cart.

"After I hurt him?"

"Trust me. . ." Halakhak ni Mineth. "There are tons of novels that I've edited that did the worst of the worst but still managed to get their happily ever afters. Buti nga di ka pina-kidnap ni Kiran at itinira sa iisang isla lang eh."

"The hell?"

"Uso 'yon ah," sabi ni Mineth at umiling.

"It's not realistic. . ." saad ko at napailing na rin.

Lumingon sa akin si Mineth. "Oh, Nacia. That's the thing about love, the most realistic part of it—we get hurt and hurt by it but we try again, hoping that this time it would be more gentle on us."

"I don't get it. . ." Napailing-iling ako.

Mineth carefully glanced at me. "It just shows how resilient our hearts could be once we're in love; that we don't become weak because of it, but rather, we are strengthened by it."

Natutop ang labi ko. I looked at her and there's the surge of emotions once again.

"So it's okay if you were weak before. . .but it doesn't mean you don't get to be strong." Ngumiti si Mineth. "Love isn't limitless, but it always. . .always gives a chance."

I wanted to agree with her, but I honestly don't think that I deserve a second chance. Hindi sa ngayon, at hindi kailanman.

Matapos ang mabilis naming grocery ay kumain kami ng waffles pangtawid gutom. Tuwang-tuwa si Tonton dahil malalayo ang fast food sa amin, once a month lang siya nakakatikim ng hindi lutong ulam. Swerte na kung umuwi ako dahil nagdadala ako ng pasalubong para sa kan'ya.

"Kikitain mo si Kiran 'di ba?" tanong ni Mineth sa akin. "Ngayong linggo?"

Tumango ako. "Oo, dahil kay Tonton."

Umangat ang tingin ni Tonton sa akin. "Okay lang ba 'yon, ate? Na magkita pa rin kayo kahit break na kayong dalawa?"

The question lingered on the air but I tried to smile despite not knowing if it's normal or not.

"Siguro?"

"Magkabalikan na lang po kaya kayo para walang issue?" suhestiyon ni Tonton.

Bahagyang natawa si Mineth. "Right? Makinig ka kay Tatay Tonton."

Ngumiwi ako sa kanilang dalawa. It's not that easy, lalo na't nakapaligid lang sa amin si Killian. . .malapit na pala ang eleksyon. The idea that he's going to be the senate president is making me sick. He's manipulative. . .and he doesn't mind hurting people if it means he can get a hold of them.

Kiran:
see you. 🤍

Bakit. . .may heart?

The day finally came, kagabi pa ako naghahalughog ng mga damit na p'wedeng suotin. I need to be both modest and comfortable. Hindi ako p'wedeng mag-dress dahil mukhang maglalaro kami sa mga palaruan. Tonton was still a kid after all, or at least the way we see him.

I opted for a white shirt and a denim black romper, samantalang naka-polo shirt at stretchable pants naman si Tonton. Nilagyan ko siya ng bimpo sa likod upang mamaya kahit mapawisan siya ay hindi siya matutuyuan ng pawis.

Kinita kami ni Kiran habang nakasakay na siya sa kan'yang Land Cruiser. Napanguso naman ako dahil gustuhin ko mang si Tonton ang tabihan sa likod, ayoko magmukhang driver si Kiran. Kaya naman sa harap, sa shotgun seat, na ako nakaupo.

Lumipad ang tingin sa akin ni Kiran. His eyebrows furrowed, bahagyang nangunot ang noo n'ya sa akin. I pulled the seatbelt for myself. Lumingon ako sa kan'ya.

He was dressed. . .handsomely. He was wearing a dark blue crewneck sweater with a white shirt beneath it, he partnered it with black chino pants.

Ang masama lang talaga siguro kay Kiran ay ang ugali n'ya.

"Bakit?" I asked him when I noticed him staring.

His cheeks slowly went crimson, I saw his tongue gliding on his lower lip.

"You look pretty. . .in a hair tie," sabi n'ya sa akin.

Napahawak ako sa buhok ko. Ngayon ko lang napagtantuan na tinali ko nga siya dahil gusto ko sana na medyo presko ang datingan ko. Nakita ko ang bahagyang paghagikhik ni Tonton sa gitna naming dalawa.

"Palagi na lang akong magtatali ng buhok," biro ko.

Kiran stared at me and blinked. "Kahit hindi naman. Maganda ka kahit anong gawin mo."

And that made everything else awkward because I kept looking everywhere except his direction. Pakiramdam ko ay hindi ko maitatago ang pamumula ng aking mga pisngi. I wanted to, but the corners of the car was too small for us.

We went to a mall where there were some playgrounds for kids. Si Tonton ang galak na galak nang makita ang mga ito. We played with him and even took pictures of him when he rode the carousel. Kumain din kami ng ice cream nang makaramdam si Tonton ng gutom. Pero ayaw pa n'yang mag-early dinner dahil larong-laro pa siya.

Naglaro sila ni Kiran no'ng may water gun at magkakaroon ng premyo kapag nakatumba ng isang bote. It seemed like it was an easy game, you just had to knock down the target using the watergun.

Kiran and Tonton went towards the water gun. Kiran leveled the water gun and aimed for the easier targets. The burst of water splashed against the targets and knocked them over, Kiran did it without breaking a sweat, kaya naman napa-palakpak ako. Lumingon siya sa akin, a smirk of arrogance plastering on his lips.

Si Tonton naman ay mukhang yung nagf-facilitate yung binabaril ng tubig dahil kanina pa iwas nang iwas yung tao pero nababasa siya nito. I could see the veins ticking on his forehead as my brother tried his best to control his grip.

Tatlong stuff toy na malalaki ang nakuha ni Kiran. I can't help but smile when I saw Kiran giving a high five to Tonton when he won three big prizes. Lumingon siya sa akin at may pumuslit na ngiti.

"Apat na anak natin. . ." Tumikhim si Kiran at inabot sa akin yung tatlong malalaking stuff toy. A black spider, a yellow giraffe, and an orange tiger. All of them were oddly cute despite their initial designs.

"Name them," utos sa akin ni Kiran.

Nanglaki ang mga mata ko. "Huh? Bakit? You won them. . .ikaw dapat ang magpangalan sa kanila."

Ngumuso siya. "Rien were the ones who bought the figurines but you named them. Hindi ka naman nagtanong sa kan'ya nito?"

I blinked at him. Is he being serious right now? Lumingon ako kay Tonton pero mukhang nage-enjoy pa itong maglaro. Mukhang babarilin na nga rin siya ng tubig nung staff eh dahil ito na ang kalaro n'ya at hindi na yung mga bote.

"Ah, sige. . ." sabi ko sa kan'ya at napaisip. "Can I name them after my novel's characters?"

"Sure. . ."

"Cess, Jhay, and Emchae," sagot ko sa kanila at tinuro yung tatlong stuff toy. "Gusto ko sana na 'yon ang mga pangalan nila."

Ngumiti si Kiran, the joy was glinting on his eyes. "Alright. That's their names. . ."

Bakit parang nanalo sa lotto ang itsura n'ya?

Napailing-iling na lang ako at pinilit ipagsawalang-bahala ang mga naiisip. I know that this is just for formality, I doubt Kiran. . .still has feelings for me. Baka nga awa na lang itong nararamdaman n'ya.

When we were in the car, on our way home, nakatulog si Tonton sa sobrang pagod. Ang mga stuff toy ay nakapaligid sa kan'ya at nagsilbing mga unan n'ya. Nakahilig pa siya roon sa giraffe, si Emchae.

"Nacia," tawag ni Kiran sa atensyon ko.

I looked at him, my eyes started to get a bit strained because I felt like the lights from the outside were too bright, o sadyang gabi na talaga.

"Po?"

His eyes briefly went towards me. "Are you writing another novel right now?"

"Hindi pa. . .uh, wala pa akong inspiration," I answered truthfully. "Pero baka pagkatapos nitong script para kay Avo at Cali ay magsusulat na ulit ako. . .thank you pala kasi sabi mo ay favorite author mo ako."

It warmed my heart that my words, even when my actions failed to do so, had reached Kiran.

Ngumiti siya. "You know. . .my favorite chapter in your book. . .sa Nalilimutan ay 'yong Chapter 7, page 129."

Ilang beses ako napakurap. Umawang ang labi ko nang marinig 'yon sa kan'ya. He remembers the exact page? Hindi ko na nga tanda ang ilang pangyayari sa libro ko kung sasabihin ko lang ang totoo. Napalunok naman ako sa kan'ya.

Ano naman kaya ang mayroon sa Chapter 7, page 129? I was quite embarassed to ask him why it was his favorite chapter, hindi ko na rin kasi talaga tanda ang mga sinusulat ko. Kaya nga siguro ang iba ay naglalaan talaga ng notebook para mabilis makita kung anong nangyari sa mga pahina na 'yon.

Nagpatuloy siya sa pagmamaneho. Ako naman ay parang naliyo sa isinuwalat n'ya. Every day, he surprised me with another information. Hindi ko alam na. . .nangulila talaga siya sa akin. I thought he hated me, fuck it, I thought he loathed me! what I did was awful, at alam ko 'yon.

He shouldn't forgive me this easily.

He wetted his lips, by grazing his tongue over. "And also. . .you don't have to fight for our love. . .if you can't. Kahit ako na lang ang lalaban para sa atin. . .just don't. . .leave a letter again, alright?"

I knew he had clear intentions but it all sounded vague for me. I couldn't believe it. This man, who I have already left behind, was still here trying to ask for another change again. . .bakit ka ganito, Kiran? Why is it so hard. . .not to fall in love with you?

Nagising si Tonton at tinulungan ko siya dalhin yung mga stuff toy. Ngumiti si Kiran at inabot ang ilang paper bag na mukhang mga damit ni Tonton. He bought him clothes, huh?

"Sobrang thank you. . ." sabi ko sa kan'ya at bahagyang yumuko. "Babawi ako sa susunod. Ako naman ang manglilibre."

"May susunod?" Umangat ang sulok ng labi ni Kiran sa tuwa.

My cheeks flushed, red as a beet. "Kung papayag ka lang naman. . ."

"Who am I to say no to you?" his voice came out as hoarse. Mapupungay na mga mata at halos hindi siya kumurap sa pagtitig sa akin.

"Sige. . ." Tumikhim ako. "Ingat ka sa pag-uwi. . .at mag-text ka kung nakauwi ka na."

Ngumiti si Kiran, na para na namang nanalo sa lotto. Sa buong araw na gano'n ang mukha n'ya, pakiramdam ko ay bilyonaryo na siya sa isip n'ya.

When Tonton plopped on the mattress that we bought for him. Agad naman akong pumunta sa bookshelf ko. Hinanap ko ang ikatlong libro na naisulat ko, ang Nalilimutan. I browsed the pages and stopped towards page 129, yung paboritong pahina ni Kiran.

Binasa ko ang mga nakalagay doon. When it slowly dawned on me. . .the reason why he likes this particular page. It was a remake. . .of our make out on the pool.

His lips on my collarbones, the water balancing the heat inside our bodies, and the reality that we almost had it all.

Binasa ko ang mga linya at mahinang napamura. Nabasa ito ni Kiran?!

Naalala ko na wala na talaga akong masulat noon kaya minabuti ko humugot sa mga naging karanasan ko. I thought it would be nice to put something. . .wild out there. Kaya sinubukan ko isulat yung nangyari sa amin ni Kiran sa pool, at tulad ng nangyari sa realidad ay naputol ito dahil wala siyang dalang condom.

I wetted my lips as my cheeks went warm. He knows. . .I wrote about us. I wrote about that scene. I was imagining making out with him! Hindi ko alam kung mahihimatay ba ako sa hiya o ano!

Then I received a text, from the very person who is making me feel all sorts of embarrassment right now.

Kiran:
nakauwi na po ako.
paki-ingatan mga anak natin. 😸
tapos sa susunod na novel mo. . .magdadala na ng condom yung bida. 😼