Chapter 14

. ₊ ⊹ . ₊˖ . ₊

They say clichés are popular for a reason. We crave for familiarity. We want what's already tasted by our palate. Kung mamimili ka sa menu ng isang restaurant, ang una mong pipiliin ay kung anong alam mong masarap, there was no room for tasting something else because it might not be for you. Kaya naman nang marinig ko ang pangalan ko na binibigkas sa isang public comfort room, doon ko napagtantuan na ito ang isang cliché na ayoko—ang backstabbing.

Napatda ako sa aking kinatatayuan. Pakiramdam ko ay kahit mag-flush ay di ko magawa dahil ayokong malaman nila na nandito ako sa loob. I have read a lot of books where a heroine gets backstabbed by others and I have already experienced it first hand. Pero nang maulit ito ngayon, pakiramdam ko ay pinagkakaisahan na ako masyado.

Why was it easy for others to trample on someone? Na wala namang ginagawa sa kanila? I am sure that I haven't met them or I haven't interacted with them. . .so why? Anong puno't dulo ng galit nila sa akin at paano sila nakakapagbitiw ng mga salitang hindi na nila mababawi?

"You know, I don't even know why she bothers to show up at workshops," halakhak ng isa.

"Sa tuwing siya ang nagsasalita, nagpapanggap akong di nakakarinig o di kaya ay naka-earphones," someone said. Narinig ko ang pagbukas ng gripo at ang daloy ng tubig.

Lalong kumabog ang dibdib ko. Please, let me out first. Ayoko marinig ang mga sasabihin nila. I have been here before and believe it or not—I was still bruised and battered from all the grade seven bullying that I got into. Nanginginig ako habang nakahawak sa handle ng pinto ng cubicle.

"Ikaw ba, Gemma? Ano ang tingin mo?"

"I find her mediocre at best," tawa ng pamilyar na boses, si Gemma. "Naaawa lang siguro si Sir Pablo sa kan'ya. She's naive if she thinks her plot is unique. Ilang script na ba ang tungkol sa isang writer at isang director? Marami na ah! Kadalasan ay hindi nagiging pelikula dahil hindi mabenta."

"Mas okay pa kung gagawin n'yang kabit ang writer para bumenta sa takilya. Maraming sampalan, at walang-sawang agawan ng lalaki. Gano'n naman ang mabenta ngayon eh."

"Kris, some writers wrote those plots with a mind that it should have garnered a massive viewership. Si Nacia? She's too innocent and she thinks her plot would sell. Kahit nga yata sa nobela, hindi bebenta iyon. For pete's sake, sobrang cliché," sabi ni Gemma at bahagyang natawa. "Tanga lang ang magsasabing maganda ang plot n'ya. Hindi mabenta sa takilya at walang substance!"

I could hear my heart shattering as she continued to talk harshly.

I viewed Gemma as someone who is admirable. When I heard about her initial plot for her script, humanga ako sa research na ginawa n'ya para rito. I know she was good and I was very intrigued with the way she didn't venture into a simple plot.

Pero nanubig ang mga mata ko nang marinig ang maaanghang na salita mula sa kan'ya. I know she could critiqued my work, it was for others to consume and comprehend—but why would she be harsh about it? Parang hindi siya manunulat. . .

As a writer myself, one of my deepest fears was to be one of the reasons why someone would be afraid to pursue writing because I have made them feel inadequate about becoming a writer. I wouldn't want that to happen to anyone.

"Honestly, she's just not a good writer," sabi ni Kris. "Nabasa ko ang excerpt n'ya. Kinder 'yan? Ang bobo lang magsulat. Parang di nag-grade two!"

Natawa si Gemma. "Sa writing style na nga lang babawi, hindi pa nagawa. Her plot? Bleak. Her writing style? Boring as fuck. Ganda lang puhunan eh."

"Sana naging modelo na lang siya, huwag na siyang magsulat."

"Kahit nga yata sa pagiging modelo ay hindi siya papasa, Gemma's prettier than her," tawa ni Kris at mukhang pinatay na ang gripo.

"Pogi ng boyfriend eh. You think she seduced him? Mas bagay si Gemma saka yung boyfriend n'ya."

"Sana nga yung boyfriend na lang yung nakakasama natin sa workshop. Kasawa makita yung mukha ni Nacia eh."

I can hear their heels screeching on the tiles of this bathroom. The acid on my stomach rose until my throat. Nasusuka ako sa mga narinig ko. I could feel their animosity towards me. Napaisip tuloy ako kung may nagawa ba ako? Kung nasagasaan ko ba sila sa kahit anong paraan? Wasn't I genuine enough for them?

It made me feel like shit.

Ilang beses akong nag-flush para lang tumagal sa cubicle. I was afraid that they were still outside the comfort room. Ilang minuto pa ang lumipas bago ako tuluyan lumabas ng comfort room. I was trembling, all of my bones felt weak and my spirit faded as soon as I realized that those weren't just readers. . .They were writers who knew the hardship of writing.

Masakit makatanggap ng mga kritisismo. Writers sometimes make it seem like it's normal to have a bad review or two; but then the truth was. . .even if we are seemingly immune to their harsh words, the daunting feeling of not being able to live up to their expectations makes it seem like a torment to my soul. It was my blood, tears, and sweat yet they treat it like dirt on their newly bought clothes. Mas masakit lang dahil galing ito sa kapwa ko manunulat.

I have to accept those words, right? Criticism iyon eh. What they said was right according to their perceptions. I have no control over it.

Naabutan ako ni Kiran na halos namumutla. His eyes immediately search for mine. Napansin n'ya ang pamumula ng gilid ng mga mata ko. His fingers gently swept the tears away, I remained looking at him.

"Nakakita ka ba ng undin sa banyo?" banayad na tanong ni Kiran, sinusubukan pagaanin ang aking loob.

"W-wala."

"Bakit ka umiiyak? Did you get hurt? Saan?" malamyos n'yang tanong.

Umiwas ako ng tingin. "I'm sorry."

"Baby, what did I say about saying sorry for something that wasn't your fault?" he gently asked. He pinched my nose and I squinted my eyes in return.

I sniffed. "Nagaalala ka kasi. . .I made you worried over something."

"Of course, because it's you," anas n'ya. "I'm concerned if it involves you. Kaya bakit ka umiiyak? Sino ang il-lock natin sa comfort room, ha?"

Bahagya akong natawa, kahit sa pag-comfort sa akin ay pumupuslit ang kasamaan ng ugali ni Kiran. Yet, I didn't mind. It was as if he was insulting them on my behalf.

"Okay na ako," I said and smiled serenely. "Tara na?"

He was wearing a green polo and underneath it was a beige colored shirt. Nakabukas ang mga paunang butones kaya naman nakita ko ang shirt n'ya. He was caressing my cheeks and I could feel that he wasn't satisfied with my answer.

I didn't want to think about it anymore. I didn't want to. . .make it seem like I was a sore loser for not being able to handle criticism. I could use it to improve. Baka sakali sa susunod ay mas maganda na ang mga sasabihin nila sa akda ko.

This wasn't the first time that I was trampled on. Mabuti nga na walang pisikal na pananakit.

When I was on seventh grade, tinapakan ni Jhon ang kamay ko para hindi na raw ako makapagsulat. No one stopped him and I was rushed to a public hospital. Sinugod ako sa orthopedics at doon ay pinatawag sina Jhon. Jhon said that it was only a friendly game. . .and people believed him.

It made me think that even if I told the truth, it was hard for people to believe in me because I wasn't good at telling my story. It made me doubt my own capability to make others believe in what I want to say.

Nasa sasakyan kami at pilit kong kinakalimutan ang mga narinig na salita kanina. Napapikit ako habang nasa byahe. I want to bury the words, yet like unthinking zombies, they kept rising from their graves.

Dumilat ako nang maramdaman ang pagdaan sa isang humps. Mas hindi mapakali si Kiran kaysa sa akin nang tumingin ako sa kan'ya. He wore a weary expression as he drove to our destination. Parang gusto n'yang magtanong pero ayaw n'yang istorbuhin ang katahimikan ko.

Ang mga pinipigilan kong luha ay unti-unting lumandas sa aking pisngi. It hurts because I would never tell anyone the words they freely threw at me. Hindi ko alam kung paano nila kinakayang sabihin iyon na hindi man lang iniisip kung anong mararamdaman ko. Maybe they didn't care. . .or maybe I was irrelevant to them.

"Baby," Kiran stopped the car to check on me. "Anong nangyari? Hindi natin 'yan mabibigyan ng solusyon kung hindi mo sasabihin."

My lips protruded. "It's none of your concern. . ."

"If it involves you, of course, I am concerned," pagtama ni Kiran. "May nangyari ba kanina? Malayo pa yung regla mo kaya imposibleng hormones lang at di pa naman kita nabubuntis kaya imposible rin na ano. . ."

Di pa naman?

May balak siya?

My lips parted.

Kiran's cheeks flustered upon saying those words, kahit yata siya ay biglang tinubuan ng hiya dahil sa mga nasabi.

Kiran's head tilted. "Anyway, the main point is, something must have happened for you to feel this bad. May umaway ba sa 'yo? Sa workshop?"

Hindi ako sumagot. How did he know that it was from the workshop? Pero hindi rin naman mahirap hulaan dahil sobrang liit lang ng routine ko sa buhay ngayon. From school, to workshop, and our short dates. Sabay kaming nagdi-dinner ni Kiran sa Molito Lifestyle Center. It wasn't a short drive but it was worth it because there were a lot of food places to choose from. Mas malapit ito sa area ni Kiran kumpara sa akin. Kaya minsan ay nakikitulog ako sa condo unit n'ya.

Lumipas ang ilang araw at hinayaan kong lumago ang takot ko na magkamali sa pagsusulat. Instead of raising my hand when Sir Pablo Bello asked for a volunteer, I kept my mum. Nanatili akong tahimik sa mga nagdaang workshop session kaya naman nakutuban na rin ni Sir Pablo Bello na mukhang may bumabagabag sa akin.

Inaayos ko na ang gamit ko dahil nag-dismissal na, naramdaman ko ang isang pamilyar na presensya sa aking likod kaya naman nilingon ko ito. Hindi ako nagkamali dahil sumalubong sa akin ang nakakunot na noo ni Sir Pablo Bello.

"Anak, may problema ba?" tanong ni Sir Pablo Bello habang nakapamulsa. He was wearing a dirty pink polo and brown slacks. He tilted his head to check my expression.

"Po?"

"You seemed to be distracted lately," he said.

I wearily looked away.

"Busy lang po talaga ako kaya naman hindi ako makasunod sa mga discussions n'yo. Pasensya na po kung marami akong iniisip," I apologized.

"Tungkol lang ba talaga roon?" he probed. "Parang may iniisip ka pang iba. Noon naman ay kahit kalagitnaan ng semester mo ay nakikinig ka at nakikipagusap sa kapwa mo manunulat. Bakit ngayon ay para bang takot kang kausapin sila?"

Nilunok ko ang bumabarang bikig sa aking lalamunan. Hindi ko magawang mag-isip ng iba pang dahilan upang makatakas sa kan'yang mga tanong. Can I tell him the truth? Baka kapag nagsumbong ako, baka makarating kina Gemma at iba ang isipin nila. . .I don't want Sir Pablo Bello to get mad at them or to feel bad for me. O baka nga kampihan pa rin sila ni Sir eh, it was, after all, a criticism. I shouldn't take it to heart.

"How do you handle criticisms, Sir Pablo Bello?" mahinang untag ko.

Nanglaki ang mga mata ni Sir Pablo Bello sa aking tanong. Dumaan ang saglit na katahimikan sa kan'ya bago siya tumingin sa akin nang may pag-unawa.

"Depende, anong klaseng kritisismo ba 'yan?"

"Po?"

"Nacia, not all criticisms are constructive," panimula n'ya. "Readers or. . .those who want to make a point, always say that criticisms are constructive. Mali iyon, hindi lahat ay sinasabi upang lumago ang isang manunulat. Ang ilang sa mga kritisismo ay maaaring destructive; ang ilang kritisismo ay sinasabi upang tumigil sa pagsusulat ang isang manunulat."

My heart was swayed by his words. Pakiramdam ko ay may nakakaintindi sa akin. May umaalo sa akin at inaako ang sakit ng mga panang pinakawalan sa akin nang bitawan nila Gemma ang mga salitang iyon. My eyes were almost swollen with tears. Ilang beses akong napakurap.

"If a criticism is constructive, it entails how you can make your craft better. It is mostly delivered in an empathetic way, ang iba pa nga ay pupurihin kung saan ka magaling bago sasabihin kung ano ang p'wede mo pang gawin para mas maging maayos ang pagsusulat mo," aniya.

"But that's ideal?"

"Well, yes," he shrugged. "Some constructive criticisms may be harsh but it is always about aiming to improve your work. Kapag wala silang sinasabi kung paano magiging maganda ang likha mo, hindi na constructive criticism iyon. It is merely hate coming from them."

Napatango ako sa kan'yang sinabi. I looked away and continued stuffing my bag. Constructive or destructive, it didn't change what I feel about it—the bottomline is, it still hurts. Pero kung constructive man ito, may natutunan man sana ako. Wala naman akong natutunan sa sinabi ni Gemma tungkol sa akin.

"Alam kong kadalasan ay sinasabing mas magandang 'wag mo na lang pansinin ang mga sinasabi nila," Sir Pablo Bello smiled solemnly. "Pero mahirap 'yon, anak. Hindi madaling ipagsawalang bahala ang mga masasakit na salita. Tao lang tayo, nararamdaman natin kung tinatapakan na tayo. But I want you to know something, Nacia."

"Yes?" Lumingon ako sa kan'ya.

Ngumiti siyang muli. "All of them are just background noises in the end. It's okay to listen to them but you have to remember that what matters most is your own tone. Hindi mo sila kontrolado eh, pero ikaw? Your tone to yourself? That's something you can control."

Muling sumagi ang mga nagbabadyang luha sa aking mata. The way his words find the innermost wounds inside my heart and mend them? It rendered me speechless. I couldn't even find the words to express my gratitude to him. . .

"When the world can't be gentle to you, that's when you have to be your own feather. That's when you have to be gentler to yourself."

Bahagya akong natahimik. When Gemma and her friends talked badly about me, I compiled their words and inked them on my heart. Hinayaan ko ang sarili kong masaktan. Pinabayaan ko ang sarili kong maniwala. When I needed myself the most, I abandoned my own identity. Kinalimutan ko na kahit hindi ako magaling, nagsulat pa rin ako. I believed that I could write and so I did. Kaya bakit ako titigil magsulat dahil lang sa kanila?

Bumagsak na ang mga luha ko kaya naman unti-unting ngumiti si Sir Pablo Bello at tumango-tango. It was as if he knew that I was hurt.

"Thank you p-po," humikbi na ako nang tuluyan. Gusto ko siyang yakapin ngunit nahihiya ako. Napayuko ako habang naguunahan tumulo ang aking mga luha.

"P'wede ka na ba magsabi kung bakit ka matamlay, anak?" Si Sir Pablo Bello habang may inaabot na bottled water sa akin.

Binuksan ko ang lid nito at uminom nang kaunti bago magkwento. "Narinig ko po kasi sila Gemma, sinabihan nilang pangit ang gawa ko po. Hindi ko naman po sila sinisiraan. Ang totoo po n'yan ay nagagalingan ako sa kanila. Kaya nang marinig ko po yun galing sa kanilang bibig, nanghina po talaga ako. I looked up to them. . .but they looked down on me."

I even spoke great things about them to my friends. Alam ni Ruby at Mineth na tuwang-tuwa ako sa mga kapwa kong manunulat. I love their ideas and how they wrote them.

Bigla akong sininok. Agad akong bumawi muli ng pag-inom mula sa bottled water. Sir Pablo Bello's eyes softened then sighed exasperatedly. Siguro ay hindi n'ya rin alam ang gagawin dahil pareho n'ya kaming estudyante, o pareho kaming nasa workshop n'ya.

"Hindi mo kailangan kumbinsihin ang sarili mo na hindi masakit," sabi ni Sir Pablo Bello. "At hindi mo sila p'wedeng palaging intindihin. Tell them that if they have any problem with your work, they should reach out to you privately. Kung patago sila magsasabi, paano mo malalaman? Kung ipapahiya ka lang nila, paano ka matututo? Let them know that they're too full of themselves when they can't even be proud of their own work as well."

My lips were tightly shut. Hindi ko inakalang kakampihan ako ni Sir Pablo Bello. I was sure that he would remain neutral for both sides. Pero sa mga sinabi n'ya ay para bang nasa panig ko siya.

"Gusto mo bang kausapin ko sila, anak?"

"Hindi na po," I said then shook my head. "Ako na po mismo ang kakausap sa kanila."

He sighed then nodded. "Sige, anak. Pero kung kailangan n'yo ng mamamagitan sa inyong dalawa, nandito rin naman ako. Nakakalumgkot lang na manunulat laban sa manunulat pa talaga ang p'wedeng mangyari. Hindi gano'n kalaki ang mundo nating manunulat kaya naman. . .nakakalungkot isipin na tayo rin ang naghihilahan pababa."

I nodded and smiled serenely to assure him that everything was good on my end.

It was another hot Tuesday when Ruby wanted to come with me in another workshop session. Ihahatid n'ya lang daw ako dahil mahaba pa ang oras n'ya na wala siyang klase. Sumakto naman na nagkaroon ng free cut si Ruby kaya naman nagkausap kaming dalawa. Hindi ko naiwasan ang magkwento dahil mapilit si Ruby. Si Mineth naman ay hindi sumabay sa amin. Nagtanim talaga siya ng sama ng loob at naiintindihan naman ito ni Ruby.

May nagbebenta ng dirty ice cream malapit sa auditorium kaya naman bumili muna kaming dalawa. Ube and cheese for Ruby whereas I opted for strawberry and cheese.

"Ayaw kong pilitin siyang kausapin ako," sabi ni Ruby habang dinidilaan ang ice cream n'ya. "Whatever she feels, it's valid."

"Pero natitiis mo siya?"

"Syempre hindi! Nagsesend pa rin ako sa kan'ya ng mga reels kapag naalala ko siya," tawa ni Ruby. "Nags-seen naman siya sa akin pero ni isang reaction ay wala. Pa-hard to get si gaga! Kaya walang mangliligaw eh."

I laughed as well when I heard that from her. I was glad that even if we were not in the same course anymore, she kept in touch. Sobrang minsan na nga lang pero kahit paano ay nakakaalala naman siya kaya okay lang din. My phone beeped and I immediately fetched it from my pocket.

Kiran:
kamusta ang mahal kong apologist?
di pa done class mo?

My forehead knotted. Apologist? What? I typed a reply as fast as I could.

Nacia:
Hindi po ako apologist?

Kiran:
apologist ka kaya
kasi sorry ka nang sorry
HAHAHAHAHAHA :p

my apologist tho <3 ikaw lang ang tanggap kong apologist.

Nacia:
Hay nako, Kiran 🙁

He reacted 'Haha' to my message.

Sumilay ang isang ngiti sa aking labi. Natigilan lang ako nang mapansin sina Gemma at yung iba n'yang kaibigan sa isang lilim ng puno. They were talking loudly and had annoyed expressions. Hihilahin ko na sana si Ruby palayo pero agad ako hinaglit ni Ruby patungo sa kanila.

"You think it worked? It scared her?" tanong nung kasama ni Gemma.

"Oo naman, Kris," sagot ni Gemma. "You saw her for the past workshops? Naging tahimik bigla yung bida-bida. I know Sir favors her and her script. Pero ngayon na nananahimik na siya? Mas kakaunti ang chance na siya ang i-pitch ni Sir sa mga kakilala nitong producers at directors."

"So, gumana yung strategy natin?" Kris grinned widely. Parang pumalakpak ang kan'yang tainga sa narinig. "She probably heard us talking so her pride was crushed. Sa tingin ko nga ay hindi na yun magpapasa ng script. Buti naman! At hindi yun magsusumbong, mukha ba namang daga sa hinhin!"

Halos umawang ang labi ko sa mga narinig. They planned all of it? Ginusto talaga nilang saktan ako? Ginusto nilang marinig ko ang mga masasakit nilang salita? Para ano? Tumigil ako sa pagsusulat? My heart shattered as soon as I heard those words from them. Hindi ko alam kung paano sila nakakatulog nang mahimbing lalo na't alam nilang nakasakit sila ng ibang tao.

Gemma laughed hysterically. "Magsumbong siya! We'll deny it! It's her words against us! Sinong maniniwala sa kan'ya?"

Wala na akong oras malungkot dahil dali-daling sumugod si Ruby na nasa tabi ko lang kanina. My eyes widened when I saw her next move.

"Ako, you bitch!" Ruby spoke out and immediately showed her claws by slamming her half-eaten ice cream on Gemma's hair. "Tangina mo pala eh!"

"Aray!" Gemma went down on the floor. Mangiyak-ngiyak siya nang kaladkarin siya ni Ruby. Nanglaki ang mga mata ko.

"R-Ruby!" I yelled out. "Baka may umawat!"

Nanglaki naman ang mga mata ni Gemma, she looked at me, completely horrified. Her friends gasped and were too shocked to even function. I tilted my head and slowly shrugged my shoulders.

What? Sa tingin ba n'ya ay aawat ako? After all the words they hurled at me? Bahala siya d'yan! Kung kaya nila magpanggap na walang naririnig kapag ako ang nagsasalita, kaya ko naman pumikit! Hmp!

"Huy, ano?! Maldita ka 'di ba?! Anong sinasabi mo sa nakshie ko ah?! Bwisit 'to!" Ruby continued shaking Gemma, rattling her.

"Stop it! Wala akong ginagawa sa 'yo!" Si Gemma habang pumapalag kay Ruby.

"Oh, bakit?! Si Nacia ba may ginagawa sa inyo?! Bwisit ka! Galing na galing pa naman sa 'yo si Nacia sa pretentious empathy mo sa mother nature at sa mga katutubo; tapos sa kapwa tao mo lang, hirap ka pang maging mabait?! Tang ina mo pala eh!" Ruby hissed at her and almost slammed her against the floor.

Dumating si Mineth na halos kinakapos ang hininga dahil tumakbo. Her eyes flared in fury. Agad n'yang susugurin si Ruby upang umawat pero lumingon siya sa akin.

"Bakit nakikipagbasag ulo na naman si tanga?!" she hissed and pointed at Ruby.

"She's handling those who were backstabbing me," I said, bluntly.

Her anger doused off as soon as she heard my words. Kumalma siya at tumabi sa akin na tila ba wala na siyang planong umawat pa.

"Buti na lang na medyo malayo ang area na ito sa school," sabi ni Mineth at ngumisi. "Subukan nilang magsumbong ngayon at tingnan natin kaninong pangalan ang masisira. Go Rubylyn! I-on the floor mo 'yang maldita na 'yan!"

Gemma's friends looked at Mineth who stared daggers at them, they kept mum and didn't move an inch. Ni mag-video ng pangyayari ay walang gumawa sa kanila. Natigil lang si Ruby nang umiyak na si Gemma.

"See? Kapag ikaw ang gumawa, okay lang," hinihingal na sambit ni Ruby. "Pero kapag sa 'yo ginawa, suddenly, ang gago na?!"

Natahimik silang lahat. I looked at them and shook my head. These people are not worth dwelling on. Hindi sila ang magpapatigil sa akin magsulat. Hindi ko kailangan ibaba ang sarili ko sa lebel nila.

The next day, Gemma decided not to attend the following sessions of the workshop. She never apologized to me, siguro dahil para sa kan'ya ay wala siyang ginawang mali. Tanggap ko naman na may mga taong gano'n. They are blind to their own mistakes and sins. Wala na akong magagawa pa roon. It is out of my own control. Ruby was unscathed, hindi ko alam kung paano pero sabi n'ya ay 'brought to you by Kiran' daw.

Napailing na lang ako sa kan'ya.

This wouldn't be the first time that I'll encounter someone trying to stop me from writing. But I will stay rooted to what I want to do—which is to write until I can't move my own fingers anymore and to find the words that will change this world.

What Sir Pablo Bello said was true. The writing world is full of background noises, some are clear and some are static, most of them are not from your own. . .so you have to always keep in mind that it matters that you don't lose your own tone amidst the background noises.