Chapter 13

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"The thing is, everyone wants to become a writer, but no one wants to write," sabi ni Sir Pablo Bello habang nakaupo sa isang monoblock chair. He reclined on his seat. "Or everyone wants to write but no one wants to become a writer." 

Our faces contort into a sea of confusion. Ano ang pagkakaiba ng sinabi ni Sir? Parang binaliktad lang naman n'ya. When he noticed the lingering stare we had on him, bahagya siyang natawa at umiling.

"May mga gustong maging manunulat. Gusto nilang magka-publish book, gusto nila na pipilahan sila sa mga book signing, gusto nila na palaging nauunang i-pitch ang script na sinulat nila at nauuna na rin itong magkaroon ng chance na maging pelikula," natigilan si Sir Pablo Bello sa kalagitnaan. "Hipokrito naman kayo kung sasabihin n'yo na ayaw n'yo ang gano'n?"

I bit my lower lip and nodded. Of course, I would love to have my own physical books. Scripts man ang pinagtutuunan ko ng pansin ngayon, it was a dream of mine to have a physical copy of my manuscript. Malayo pa man yun, pero kakaibang galak ang nasa dibdib ko sa tuwing iniisip ko na malapit na rin dahil nagsisimula na akong tumapos ng isa sa mga scripts ko. It was rare to have printed scripts though. . .kaya baka magsulat din ako ng manuscript na pang nobela talaga.

"Pero hindi naman sila nagsusulat. Mabilis silang panghinaan ng loob kapag nakitang walang nagbabasa, kakaunti ang bumibili ng libro nila, at halos palaging rejected ang mga scripts. Tumitigil sila sa pagsulat dahil doon," he said. "It made me think that they want to become a writer but they don't want to write."

"Ano pong ibig sabihin?"

"They say what you'll be needing is passion to keep on writing, but I'd like to believe it's discipline that keeps you writing," malumanay na saad ni Sir Pablo Bello at nagawa pang ngumiti sa amin.

Lumingon na naman kami sa isa't isa. Minsan talaga ay si Sir lang ang nakakaintindi sa sinasabi n'ya eh. What does he mean when he says that?

"Disipline? Sa paanong paraan, Sir?" isinatinig ng isa sa mga kasama ko sa work shop ang gusto kong itanong.

Ngumiti si Sir Pablo Bello. "Passion is a need, of course. But what happens if you're not passionate anymore? What if one day when all the flames of what once used to be your burning passion turns to ashes? You will burn out; people have to know that burnout is real and it's inevitable. But when you discipline yourself to keep on writing even when it's hard, even when the darkness sets in, and definitely when the burning passion is fading . . .trust me, you have already defied the fate of a weary artist."

A smile was painted into my lips upon hearing that from him. It felt like a tap on a back, a warm hug, and a kind reminder that in writing—I was never alone. Totoo naman, kung minsan ay hindi sapat na passion lang. Sometimes, our everyday life can be so demanding that the words cannot even flow and ebb properly inside our minds. But if we have discipline. . .we don't need to burn ourselves in order to create.

"Eh paano naman po yung isa? The one who wants to write but doesn't want to become a writer?"

"Ah, yung gano'n naman," umaktong nagiisip si Sir Pablo Bello. "May mga gustong magsulat pero ayaw magkaroon ng libro, ayaw magkaroon ng responsibilidad sa mga mambabasa nila, o yung mga nagsusulat lang dahil bored sila pero hindi naiisip na p'wede sila makilala sa pagsusulat. They want the activity itself but the responsibilities that come with it? They avoid it like the plague. Titigil sila kapag pakiramdam nila ay nakakapagod kapag nagiging bida-bida na sa oras nila ang pagsusulat."

Napatango naman ako. Marami akong kilalang gano'n, they were talented without even trying. Kadalasan din na mga pantser sila, o yung mga nagsusulat na walang sinusunod na outline. They just write their stream of thoughts that coordinates with their current story. Ang mahirap lang dito ay nagkakaroon ng plot holes lalo na't wala kang babalikan na outline.

Unfortunately, I wasn't a plotter nor am I a talented pantser. I tried my best to create an outline first before writing but it wasn't just for me. Alam ko na ang ibang manunulat ay inuuna ang paggawa ng outline bago ito simulan. An outline serves as a map when it comes to writing; but I didn't want a map, I wanted an adventure. Kaya naman matagal ko na sinukuan ang paggawa ng outline. But I do want to create a story where I created an outline first before writing it.

"Ano po ba ang mas maganda? Pantser or plotter?" Someone asked the question that I had in mind.

I know that there's a chance that plotter would be the answer of the majority; kung ako lang din ang tatanungin ay baka plotter din ang isasagot ko dahil mas maganda naman talaga na alam mo ang direksyon ng storyang sinusulat mo.

"Ang hirap naman ng tanong na 'yan," halakhak ni Sir Pablo Bello. "Sana sex or chocolates na lang kaysa sa tanong na 'yan. Para mo na rin kasi akong tinanong kung anong pagkakaiba ng asukal at asin sa itsura."

Natawa naman kami sa kan'ya. We were all focused on him and were waiting for him to answer the question. Umayos pa siya ng pagkakaupo bago napabuntonghininga.

"Sa totoo lang? Pareho lang sila para sa akin," saad ni Sir Pablo Bello. "May isa na may sinusundan na mapa upang makapunta siya sa lugar na gusto n'yang tahakin; samantalang ang isa naman ay gumagawa ng sarili n'yang daan patungo sa lugar na yun. It all boils down on how you want to reach the destination. Pero pareho naman silang makakarating sa patutunguhan nila."

I am the latter; I am trying to follow my own path, hindi man ito kasingbilis o kasingdali ng ibang daan, I want to create my own way when it comes to writing.

The people dispersed as soon as Sir Pablo Bello dismissed our work shop. Humingi siya ng pagpapasalamat sa mga dumalo at unti-unting nagligpit ng kan'yang gamit. Inuna n'ya ang kan'yang maliit na notebook bago pinatong ang iba't ibang bagay tulad ng lapis sa ibabaw nito. Lumingon ako sa paligid at nang mapansin na wala ng ibang tao saka ako naglakas-loob na lumapit sa kan'ya.

"Nacia!" maligayang bati ni Sir Pablo Bello at bahagyang lumiwanag ang mukha, "Kamusta ang sinusulat mo? Patapos na ba?"

Nahihiya akong umiling. "Malabo pa nga po eh. Kaya nga po ako lumapit sa inyo dahil may pagtatapat ako. . ."

"Ano yun?"

I sighed exasperatedly. "Natatakot po ako na baka hindi ko kaya isulat itong script na sinusulat ko po ngayon. Baka hindi para sa akin ang kwento. Baka mas maganda kung iba ang magsusulat."

I fear the thought that the plot is vivid but the execution of the plot is n0t. Natatakot ako na baka maganda nga ang naiisip kong ideya para sa storya pero pangit ako magsulat. Baka hindi pa ako hinog, baka hindi pa ako handang isulat yun, o baka hindi para sa akin ang storyang nais kong ikwento.

What if someone else could have written it better?

"Paanong natatakot?" Kumunot ang kan'yang noo. Sumandal siya sa monoblock na upuan at may gumuhit na ngiti sa kan'yang labi. "Can you elaborate?"

"I am still a student, Sir," I gulped. "Kumpara sa ibang manunulat, wala ako masyadong experience pagdating sa pagsusulat. Writer na nga ang bida ko pero natatakot ako na baka hindi siya magmumukhang writer sa storya ko. Baka. . .hindi pa sapat ang nalalaman ko para isulat itong storya. . ."

Nagkibit balikat si Sir Pablo Bello. "Nacia, give yourself some slack. First draft mo pa lang 'yan. You are bound to make mistakes along the way and you are here to explore. Write what you can write at the moment. Don't let fear stop you from writing what could have been your masterpiece."

"Sir. . ."

Ngumiti siya at hinawakan ako sa aking balikat. "Alam mo? Isulat mo muna. . .lahat ng gusto mong isulat. We can be critical once we're editing the work. Pero ngayon na binubuo mo pa lang siya, hayaan mo ang sarili mong magkamali at hagilapin kung ano ang tama para sa susunod ay alam mo na. It's better to read a page that is full of corrections than a blank page, Nacia. "

May humaplos sa aking dibdib. His words would always soothe my wounded existence. I feel safe when he's here to guide me. Pakiramdam ko ay masyado siyang mabait. . .why does he help me without asking for anything in return?

"Sige na, magsulat ka na," halakhak n'ya sa akin. "Your plot is yours to write, Nacia. No one, even the ones you claim to be better writers, can write the story that is meant for you to share with the world. Gano'n din sa buhay. . ."

"Po?"

"You might think that you want to live the life someone else is living," saad ni Sir Pablo Bello. "But the truth is, you have the freedom to build a life that works for you instead of trying to live someone else's, and I think. . .that's what sets apart from the life that we want and the life that we can have."

Hanggang sa hapunan ay baon ko ang mga salitang sinabi n'ya sa akin. Kiran and I went to a famous chicken wings restaurant. Hinintay n'ya ako at sinundo mula sa workshop. I love how thoughtful Kiran was, because when he heard that the workshop has a limit for those who want to register, nagtanong siya kung okay lang ba na hintayin na lang n'ya ako dahil ayaw n'yang may kuhanan siya ng slot lalo na't baka mas may gustong dumalo roon kaysa sa kan'ya na sasamahan lang dapat ako. I didn't mind going alone so I said yes.

"Soy garlic," sabi ni Kiran habang sinasabi kung ano ang gusto n'yang flavor. "Sa 'yo?"

"Uh, garlic parmesan," I said then looked at the menu. "I'll have some red iced tea na lang din."

"How was the workshop?" Ngiti ni Kiran at tinanggal ang nakalaylay na hibla ng buhok sa aking harapan, he tucked it behind my ear.

"Okay naman," I smiled then proceeded to tell him my experience. "Pakiramdam ko ay malapit ko na matapos yung script."

"That's nice. . ."

"If this gets pitched. . .magiging masaya ako," pag-amin ko sa kan'ya. "Pero baka sa 'yo ko muna i-offer ito. Would you like to direct a movie about love?"

Nanglaki ang mga mata n'ya. "Really? You're offering your first script to me?"

Tumango-tango ako. "Yes. When I first started writing it, ang gusto ko lang ay mabigyan ka ng script na magiging proud ka kapag ginawan mo ng film."

It was utmost honesty. I wanted to write because I wanted to be part of Kiran. Nakatitig lang sa akin si Kiran at pinagmamasdan ko lang din siya. There was silence between us but it was in a comforting way. Para bang walang makakaagaw ng kapayapaan na namumunga sa pagitan naming dalawa.

"Nacia, even if I wasn't the one who will direct your script, I am already proud of you."

Umangat ang tingin ko sa kan'ya. There was a gentle smile blossoming on his lips. I noticed how attractive Kiran was even if he doesn't do anything that seems to be charming to others. In his laidback dark t-shirt and black cargo pants, mukha siyang anak ng politikong iboboto ng nanay mo kasi gwapo yung anak.

"Thank you for thinking of me when you write."

My cheeks felt warm as soon as I heard those words from him. Ako nga dapat ang mag-thank you sa kan'ya dahil binibigyan n'ya ako ng dahilan para magsulat.

I was grateful for Sir Pablo Bello as well. Sa mga salita n'ya ako nakakuha ng panibagong determinasyon upang magsulat muli. I have my plot, my characters, and the will to write even when it's hard. At this point, the only thing that's stopping me from completely writing is the fear that I'll fail at something that I thought I was good at.

Dumating ang order namin kaya naman lalong kumalam ang sikmura ko. The whiff of oil and crispiness of the chicken made me want to take a bite almost immediately. Pero umuusok pa ang laman nito dahil bagong luto pa.

Napanguso ako. "Hihintayin ko muna lumamig."

"Yung alin?" Lumingon sa akin si Kiran. He looked at my food before his eyes set on my face again.

"Chicken."

"Gusto mo himayin ko?" tanong n'ya sa akin. "Para lumabas yung init."

"Kumakain ka rin eh," sabi ko at napatingin sa plato n'ya. Ni hindi pa nga n'ya ginagalaw yung pagkain n'ya.

Umiling siya. "It's okay. I want you to eat first."

Sinuot ni Kiran yung plastic gloves at unti-unting hinimay yung chicken. Nakikita ko ang bahagyang paglabas ng init mula sa laman nito kaya naman tiningnan ko ang kan'yang kamay. It was turning a bit red so I immediately stopped him by holding his wrist. Mukhang napapaso siya dahil namumula ang kan'yang mga daliri. My eyes widened when I saw him slowly lifting a part of a chicken and gesturing me to open my mouth.

"Kain ka na," he said. "Isubo mo 'to."

I hesitantly opened my mouth to eat what's on his hand. Sa bibig ko ay hindi na ito sobrang init pero alam ko naman na tinitiis n'ya lang yung init ng manok para mahimay ito.

"It's okay, Kiran," sabi ko matapos lunukin ang sinubo n'ya sa akin na parte ng manok. "Hindi naman ako nagmamadali kumain. I'll wait for it to be cold."

His eyebrows furrowed, out of concern. "Pero baka gutom ka na? I don't mind feeding you."

My cheeks reddened. Napatingin ako sa kamay n'ya. His finger pads were turning red, a sign that that chicken was too hot to hold but he endured the pain just so he could feed me.

Grabe magmahal si Kiran.

"Ayokong nasasaktan ka," mahinang sambit ko. "I know that you're coming from a good place but I would never want to see you hurt, Kiran."

Isa sa mga kinakatakutan ko ay ang masaktan ang mga taong pinapahalagahan ko sa buhay. Kahit pa sabihin na hindi ko naman sinasadya, ayokong masaktan sila sa kahit anong paraan. It would hurt me as well if I was one of the reasons why living is painful for them. Kaya nga hanggang ngayon ay nakakaramdam ako ng awa para sa mga magulang ko dahil hindi ko kayang sundin ang gusto nila para sa akin.

Ngumiti si Kiran. "You're worth the pain, Nacia."

This was one of the scenes that I borrowed from my experiences to put inside my script. Kung paano magmahal nang hindi humihingi ng kapalit at kung paano magmahal nang lubos na hindi ka takot masaktan. Kung paano maghimay ng manok kahit bagong luto ito dahil gutom na yung mahal mo.

Bukod sa iilang hiram na eksena sa buhay namin ni Kiran, I also indulged myself in watching movies. Kadalasan na romance-comedy ang genre o di kaya ay mga nakakaiyak na pelikula dahil kailangan ko rin ma-inspired sa mga scenes nila. Although, I still keep in mind that I shouldn't duplicate any scenes. Okay lang naman ang ma-inspired, pero ibang usapan na ang manggaya.

We stayed at his condo after we ate dinner. Minabuti kong pagmasdan ang interior design ng kan'yang unit. It was a testament that this was his sanctuary, it's neutral tones of black, alabaster, and white were covering each modern furniture. Ang TV n'yang halos kunin ang buong pader ang hight light ng buong unit n'ya. Some decors where art sculptures, kapansin-pansin na mahilig din siya sa mga paintings o di kaya mga larawan dahil marami siyang picture frames sa iba't ibang kanto ng kan'yang unit.

Sa tingin ko ay gusto na talaga ni Kiran na lumipat ako rito dahil sa pagbalik ko ay ramdam kong mas naka-angkla na ito sa mga kagustuhan. I went to his kitchen and saw that some of the food were my favorites.

Binabahay na ba n'ya ako? Eh, wala pa ngang kami? Ramdam ko naman ang pangliligaw n'ya dahil hatid-sundo n'ya ako at kadalasan ay may mga dates kami, kung saan ko kinukuha ang ilang scenes para sa script ko. I don't want to tell that yet. . .I want to surprise him if my script becomes a film.

"I found the DVD for Flipped," sambit ni Kiran na nasa likod ko. He towered over me, kaya naman lumingon ako sa kan'ya.

"Sorry kung nahihirapan kang maghanap ng DVD ng mga ni-recommend ko," I apologized.

It wasn't easy to find old Filipino movies. Swerte na kung may maaabutan pang mga DVD nito. Some of them are remastered and shown on other streaming apps or Youtube itself. Pero itong si Kiran kasi, gusto talagang sa DVD papanoorin.

"I think you'll break your rule for me," saad ko at umupo na sa kan'yang sofa. "Mukhang sa internet na lang talaga natin mapapanood ang mga ni-recommend ko."

"I won't give up on it," sabi n'ya at unti-unting umupo sa tabi ko. "I really want us to experience the old way of watching the films you recommended."

"Did you grow up watching movies on TVs?" Lumingon ako sa kan'ya. "Alam ko na hindi pa uso ang mga streaming apps noon kaya naman. . .sa television talaga kadalasan."

"Well, yes. . ." Tumango-tango siya at unti-unting umunat, his hands are now near my shoulders, para n'ya akong inaakbayan. "Aabangan ko pa ang time slot ng mga gusto kong panoorin noon. Sa Cinema One, sa Star Movies, PBO, sa HBO. . .tambay ako sa mga channels na yun noon."

"Family bonding n'yo?"

Ngumisi siya at nagkibit ng kan'yang balikat. "We don't do family bonding. Nagkikita lang kaming apat kapag may nasangkot na gulo ang isa sa amin. It was mostly me being unruly and involved in a lot of rumors. . .Kile was the favorite among everyone. Siya ang pinakatahimik sa amin at pinakamatino. He was never involved in a scandal, the reason why the papz have been after him ever since our Dad ran for the office."

I moistened my lips after hearing those words from him. Akala ko noon ang puno't dulo ng kasamaan ay pera. You'll do everything to have money; habang tumatanda ka, mas lalong lumalaki ang halaga ng pera. Both figuratively and literally. Ngayon ay napatunayan ko na kahit mayaman ka pala, hindi ka ligtas sa kalungkutan na dulot ng iba.

"Close kayo ni Kile?"

"Hindi," agap n'yang sagot. "We talked sometimes. . .but then I'll feel guilty."

"Bakit?"

"Nacia, we're watching. . ." He suddenly snuggled on my neck, naramdaman ko ang init ng kan'yang paghinga.

I took it as a cue that he didn't want to talk about it yet. I let the couch swallow me by pinning myself on it. Nakadagan lang sa akin si Kiran habang nanonood kaming dalawa.

We were watching Flipped. It was a recommendation by Kiran. The movie was about Juli and Bryce—and how both of them flipped for each other. I like the innocence of the movie, there weren't any sexual tension, there weren't a lot of funny scenes, and it didn't have someone dying in the end to make it a tearjerker. It was just a movie about growing up and relearning your values as time goes by.

Para sa akin, totoo rin ang punto ng pelikula. P'wedeng magbago ang nararamdaman mo sa isang bagay o isang tao sa isang iglap. Maybe you used to like something. . .only for it to gradually turn to dislike over time. It could also be said when you hate something initially but as time passes, you flipped—you could love something you once loathed.

"What do you mean by iridescent?" tanong sa akin ni Kiran nang mag-roll ang credits ng palabas. "What does it mean when you meet someone and notice that they perfectly capture the word 'iridescent'?"

"Well, according to the movie," I raked Kiran's hair because he's resting his head on my thighs. "You sometimes meet people who are seemingly iridescent, so beautiful that sometimes you feel like their existence is too good to be true."

"Gan'yan ba yung na-feel mo sa akin?" Ngumisi siya.

"No."

Napawi ang ngiting ginawad n'ya. Bahagya siyang napanguso at kunyari'y umirap. Natawa naman ako at pinagpatuloy ang paglalaro sa kan'yang buhok. Ramdam ko ang pag-init ng kan'yang pisngi dahil napahiya yata siya.

"Kiran. . .you aren't only iridescent to me," I mumbled softly. "You are all the beautiful words that I have yet to speak. You are the reason why I'm still looking at the dictionaries so I could find the perfect words to describe you. And I don't mind if I have to explore every dictionary in this world to find the perfect word, because I don't want my admiration for you to end." 

Bahagya siyang natigilan nang marinig yun sa akin. His lips parted and his eyelashes fluttered, my beautiful boy seemed to be flustered upon hearing those words from me.

"Fuck," he said in a low tone. "How could I ever be better than you in words? Palagi mong alam kung ano ang mga salitang. . .magpapahulog sa akin."

I only smiled and kissed his forehead. Kiran, the truth was, no matter how much I tried to write how my feelings for you grow as time goes by. . .it never captures the exact feeling that you have made me feel. You are the only one who's capable of that.

Kinabukasan, dulot siguro ng eksena sa pinanood naming pelikula, palagi akong dinadalhan ni Kiran ng itlog. Hindi lang isa kung di isang tray. Niluluto ko naman ito pero hindi ko kaya umubos ng isang tray sa isang linggo! Lahat yata ng torta ay nagawa ko na! Sunny side up or scramble ay nasubukan ko na rin. Kahit nga sa pancit canton ay tatlong itlog ang gamit ko!

"Tama na pagpapakain sa akin ng itlog mo, Kiran," I blurted out when we were in the table. Nasa hallway na naman kami na parang shrine.

Napalingon si Mineth sa sinabi ko at nanglaki ang mga mata. Diether almost spit out his drink. Si Jakob naman ay agad umuwang ang labi. Ruby was . . .not here anymore.

"Pinapakain ka n'ya ng itlog n'ya?" Jakob asked in confusion.

"Bastos!" Mineth hissed.

"Siya ang nagsabi! Hindi ako!" Si Jakob.

"Oo," I admitted, then a sigh escaped from my lips. "Sawang-sawa na ako sa itlog n'ya. Sana iba naman."

Namumula na yung tatlo sa hindi ko malamang dahilan. Si Mineth ay kanina pa umiinom ng tubig upang maibsan yata ang pagiinit ng kan'yang pisngi. Diether was surprisingly silent. Si Jakob naman ay nanatiling nakatitig sa akin.

"Tangina talaga ni Kiran," Jakob said, then shook his head. "Itlog agad n'ya ang ibinida!"

Tumango ako. Oo nga, hindi ba dapat chocolates or flowers? Bakit naman kasi itlog?

Nagpaalam muna ako na pupunta ako sa washroom. I wanted to at least check myself before going to my next class. Nakarinig ako ng mga hagikhikan habang nasa loob ako ng isang cubicle. Bahagya lang akong natigilan nang marinig ko ang pangalan ko.

"Yung Nacia? Ang pangit ng gawa n'ya. Tangina, parang di pinagisipan."