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Chapter 10

. ₊ ⊹ . ₊˖ . ₊

Have you ever wanted something so bad. . .you lose rationality the moment you have the chance to seize it? You felt like it was a dandelion that once blown away by the wind; you won't be able to grasp it anymore. The chance slowly went away with the wind and might never come back.

We went back to Kiran's car, the familiar lavender scent permeated across the corners of the automobile. Unti-unting pumatak ang ulan sa windshield ng sasakyan. It was making faltering knocking noises to douse the noise around us. Tumikhim ako at unti-unting lumingon sa kan'ya.

"Hindi ko alam na pupunta ka," basag ko sa katahimikan. "Pero balita ko na ikaw ang nag-book ng table?"

Kiran glanced at me coldly. "Yeah, 'cause Ruby said you wanted to party. Kaya nagpa-book ako."

"I. . ." My cheeks flustered. "Hindi ko sinabi na mag-book siya ng mahal. Siya rin ang nagyaya."

My initial thought that Ruby was someone special to Kiran immediately dispersed when he told me the real reason why he booked a table at East Drive. It was because of me. . .he wanted to see me.

"Ruby probably used your name 'cause she knows I can't say no to you," mahinang banggit n'ya. "And I won't let you settle for anything less. Kung alam ko lang, buong East Drive ang nirentahan ko. Maybe if that happened, you won't see Eastre's annoying fucking face."

"Eastre owns the place. . ."

Kiran peered over my face and merely shrugged. "Then I should have bought it instead. To see that motherfucker in tears would have delighted me."

My lips quivered upon seeing this side of him. I have always romanticized Kiran as a misunderstood youth. . .but I didn't know there was a cruel and ruthless side of him. Na para bang babanggain n'ya lahat ng haharang sa kan'ya. He was like a rose, so beautiful and dangerous to hold. His thorns were sharp enough for everyone to see that he was someone you don't dare to touch.

Yet, with trembling hands, I reached out to him and held him in his arms. Agad n'ya akong nilingon dahil sa munting paghawak ko sa kan'ya. His eyes showed wavering passion.

"Stop," he said a hushed whisper. "Stop making me want you, Nacia."

My fingers froze upon hearing that from him. It was as if my heart was about to burst.

"Why?"

Umiling siya. "You're too good for me. Whatever you feel, it'll surely fade. . .change. . .be gone. I've seen a lot of films already and I know how ours would end."

"You don't want to take a chance with me?" I asked, lips quivering. "Not all films have the same scripts. We can change ours."

Ngumisi siya. "And that dreads me, Nacia. You make me feel that change isn't that bad at all."

I leaned forward making our faces inches a part. I saw him sucking a breath as if he was afraid that I would see right through him. Bahagya akong napangiti.

To love Kiran. . .means to embrace change. It means looking between your fingers and seeing that there's so much more in life. It isn't always black and white. It has a ton of depth and sometimes it means you'll drown in the vast sea of uncertainty.

"Nacia. . .I want to love you the way you wanted to be loved," sabi n'ya sa mahinang tono, his finger gently caressing my cheeks. "My way. . .is fast and cruel. Hindi ko alam paano ka mamahalin sa paraan na hindi ka masasaktan. You're too good, too pure, and too heavenly to touch. How could I ever taint you?"

"You won't," I held his hand that was on my cheeks. "And if ever you did taint me with your colors. . .Kiran, life is about making a masterpiece out of all the shades that we have. May it be as passionate as red, as green as the meadows, or as dark as the night. Mamahalin kita."

He leaned forward and captured my lips with his mouth. Bahagya akong nagulat at nanglaki ang mga mata sa naging galaw n'ya. I closed my eyes and felt his tongue dancing inside my mouth. His huge hands held the sides of my face as we continuously kissed each other.

He reclined his chair, inviting me to slip on his lap. I followed him like he was my religion. I was devoted to his touch. Pinagpatuloy namin ang paghahalikan kahit halos kinakapos na ako dahil bihasa na siya sa ginagawa n'ya. It makes me wonder how many girls he has to kiss to learn this much. . .

"Did you wear a skirt for me?" he rasped, his hand slowly raising from my thigh to the inner part of it. "Thanks for the easy access, baby."

My cheeks instantly warmed upon hearing those words from him and as I felt his hands squeezing my inner thighs.

"Kiran," I breathed in his skin as I buried my face on his neck.

I could feel him peppering kisses on my nape as our body pressed more intimately. His hands were caressing my thigh, burning my skin with his touch and goosebumps slowly erupting on my body.

"Hmm?" His lips left my skin. "Nacia, I don't think I could stop further. . .but I don't think we should do it here."

"I don't mind. . ." sabi ko sa nahihiyang boses. "You can do it with me. . .wherever you want."

He chuckled, nipping and nibbling my skin as I held on him tighter. "No, I want to do it your way. I told you. . .mabilis ako masyado. I want to take it slow with you. Hindi ba dapat nangliligaw muna ako?"

"I like you already, Kiran. . ." saad ko sa kan'ya. "You can court me while we're together already."

"Baby, stop making things easy for me. . ." bulong n'ya sa akin. His hot breath ghosted over my ear. "I want to earn you; make it hard for me."

My cheeks flushed. "H-hindi ko naman inaasahan na magugustuhan mo ako. You're Kiran Conjuanco. . ."

He's handsome, popular among the ladies, and talented on his own. Ang makasama siya sa iisang lugar ay pantasya ko na. Ang maka-trabaho siya ay isa sa mga pangarap ko. Now that we're kissing. . .it feels like a fervid dream. Pakiramdam ko ay kung panaginip ito ay mas mabuti pang walang gigising sa akin.

I finally gathered enough courage to look at him. Bahaga akong umalis mula sa pagkakasandal sa kan'ya. His eyes roamed over me as he licked his lower lip, his eyes glinting in the dark. Goodness, even in the dark, Kiran Conjuanco was devilishly handsome.

"And you're Athanacia Samonte. . ." He clipped a strand of my hair behind my ear. "Alam mo bang malapit ko na talagang ipakulam si Diether dahil lapit nang lapit sa 'yo? Minsan lang ako mainis, pero madalas sa kan'ya. On the way pa lang siya? Naiirita na ako."

"I'm yours. . ." I proclaimed in a small voice and smiled. "Walang iba kung di ikaw lang, Kiran."

Umiling siya. "I beg to disagree."

"Hmm?"

"I am Nacia's," he said in a low voice. "I don't own you because the moment my eyes landed on you, I'm sure that it's you who would own me. You completely reigned over my soul and body. I am completely yours."

His strong arms around my waist and his warmth spreading over me made me lean over for a kiss. I didn't mind how fleeting our kisses were but it was imprinted that this night was ours. Hinayaan ko siyang maghari sa aking katawan habang patuloy ako sa paghalik sa kan'ya.

. ₊ ⊹ . ₊˖ . ₊

I woke up in Kiran's bed while he was almost sprawled over me. Ramdam ko ang init ng mga bisig ni Kiran dahil nakahubad siya. I was still in my last night's shirt, wala na lang ang blazer na suot ko. It was on the floor along with Kiran's shirt from last night.

Okay. Napasinghap ako. Ang wild ko yata kagabi. I doubt it was because of alcohol, hindi naman ako naka-inom masyado. Magpapanggap na lang ba akong lasing?

Nahihiya ako gisingin siya at alisin ang pagkakakulong ko sa bisig n'ya. Nothing happened between us but Kiran insisted on sleeping together in bed. Ang sabi ko kasi ay sa couch o sa sofa ako matutulog pero ayaw n'ya. Ayaw rin matulog sa sofa kaya tabi na lang daw kami. Parang bata na takot sa multo kapag pinapatay ang ilaw dahil gusto n'ya pang may katabi sa kama.

Kumunot talaga ang noo ko sa kan'ya dahil hindi man lang siya nahiya sa kan'yang suhestiyon. He really wanted to sleep with me in the same bed.

"Kiran," I mumbled softly. "Can I go? Sa kusina? Magluluto lang ako."

It's already 9 a.m., kung tutuusin ay halos tanghali na para bumangon. Pero itong si Kiran ay sobrang himbing ng tulog, para bang pinuyat kagabi. Wala namang nangyari sa amin. Yet, he was peacefully asleep and it was as if it was the first night that he felt secured.

"Kiran. . ." ulit ko.

He groaned and buried his face on the nook of my neck. "Later, Nacia."

"Gutom na ako."

"I'll cook for you later," his fiery breath landed on my skin. "Ano bang gusto mo?"

"Marunong ka ba magluto? Pinaglulutuan pa nga kita ng pancit canton," I asked as my forehead knotted.

"I know how to cook, Nacia," his arms tighten around me. "I just love having you cook for me. Kahit pa prinitong sky flakes ang ipaulam mo sa akin, masaya na ako."

"Bolero," I chuckled, then rested my head on his shoulders. Humarap ako sa kan'ya. His eyes were still closed so I was able to visibly see how breathtaking he was even in his resting form.

"I'll cook for you, I promise," he whispered as he embraced me more. "Give me five more minutes to have you in my arms. Babangon na ako mamaya-maya."

"I can cook for us."

"I want to cook for you," sabi n'ya sa mahinang boses. "After all. . .manliligaw mo na ako 'di ba?"

Napanguso ako. "I told you. . .kahit hindi ka mangligaw, okay nga lang."

"Gusto ko ngang mangligaw," he hissed.

"P'wede namang tayo na," I softly told him. "Bakit mo ba gusto mangligaw pa? I like you already, Kiran. Courtships. . .I think it is for those who are still trying to win the person's affection."

Ngumuso siya at unti-unting dumilat ang mga singkit na mata. I sucked in a breath. He's too beautiful for his own good. Tao pa ba talaga ang isang ito?

"I haven't court anyone," sagot n'ya sa akin. "Ikaw pa lang. I want to win your affection. . .fair and square."

My lips quivered. "You've never had a girlfriend?"

Dumilim ang ekspresyon n'ya. "I did. . .but she was my girlfriend for optics. Para sa politika lang. I had to have a girlfriend that my father favors and the public would approve of."

"That's necessary?"

"Yeah. . ." Sumiksik siya sa aking leeg. "Kahit si Kile ay pinipilit mag-girlfriend para sa politika. It's a dirty network but it works for those who want to create a dynasty."

Si Kile na naman. . .I wonder who he is? At bakit parang naiirita si Kiran kapag siya ang topic?

"Hindi kayo nagtagal?" kuryosong tanong ko. I know that it could only be for PR but I was curious about his old relationships. Mali ito dahil baka may mahalungkat na maaaring hindi ko magustuhan marinig.

He shrugged. "She fell for my brother. Ang mali lang n'ya ay nagpahuli siya."

Oh.

That must have hurt.

Kahit pa sabihin natin na hindi naman talaga naging seryoso ang relasyon nilang dalawa; for her to find warmth in someone else must have been a scorching pain on Kiran's ego and pride.

"May kapatid ka?"

"Mayroon," he said, then closed his eyes. "I want to rest for a bit, Nacia."

Tumango ako, I got his cue that he didn't want to talk about his brother. I don't want to push further because the topic might touch something sore.

Hindi ko alam pero dumapo ang antok sa akin at muli akong nakatulog. Nagising na lang ako sa amoy ng pasta at bumangon na dahil wala na si Kiran sa tabi ko. I woke up with a pillow supporting my head, siguro ay nilagay ni Kiran no'ng umalis siya sa tabi ko.

"Hi," bati ko nang maabutan ko si Kiran na nagluluto. He was wearing a cute grey apron. Lumingon siya sa akin.

"Hey," he said, then walked towards me. "I was supposed to bring breakfast to bed."

"Hindi na breakfast kasi anong oras na," puna ko sa kan'ya. I glanced at the wall clock.

He pouted. "Edi lunch, gano'n na rin yun."

"Carbonara ba 'yan?" Sumilip ako sa niluluto n'ya. The aroma was captivating my hungry stomach. "Walang cream?"

"Yes, eggs lang," sagot ni Kiran sa akin. "I learned it when I was in another country."

"You like to travel?"

"Hindi naman," sagot n'ya sa akin habang inaayos ang plato para paglagyan ng carbonara. "Pero kapag may okasyon, umaalis na lang ako ng bansa. I hate family gatherings because most of the time, it feels forced on my side. Naiinggit lang din ako sa ibang mga pamilya kaya. . .sa ibang lugar na lang ako nagce-celebrate ng Pasko o kaya New Year."

"Gano'n din ba ngayong taon?"

"Depende," he answered.

"Depende saan?"

"I have you now so. . .depende kung saan mo gusto mag-Pasko o mag-New Year," he answered timidly, as if he was shy to include himself on those occasions.

"What about your family? Hindi ba dapat sila ang kasama mo?" I asked, baka kasi isipin ng pamilya n'ya na inaagaw ko sa kanila si Kiran.

"You're my home now," he glanced at me with his cheeks slowly turning into the color of overripe tomatoes. "Ikaw ang uuwian ko, Nacia."

Napangiti ako at bahagyang humagikhik upang itago ang kilig. "O-okay. Balak ko umuwi sa probinsya. Gusto mo ba sumama?"

"If okay lang sa 'yo," he averted his eyes elsewhere. "kung okay lang sa 'yo ang gano'n, I wouldn't mind at all."

Nagulat ako nang sumilay ang isang ngiti kay Kiran. I usually see him being grumpy like a cat or playing a smirk on his lips. . .and now that I could finally see this soft side of him, I feel like I wanted to kiss him right now.

This feels like an eternity of bliss. Pakiramdam ko ay masyado akong masaya—pero masyado pang maaga. Para bang wala pa kami sa kalahati ng pelikula—kaya bakit masaya na kami? It felt wrong to be this happy and. . .it scared me.

Naputol lang ang kasiyahan ng linggo ko nang mabalitaan ang nangyari sa kaibigan ko. Ruby. . .didn't enroll for the next semester.

"Ruby!" bulyaw ni Mineth habang nasa isang fastfood chain kami.

Kahit ako ay laglag ang panga at hindi makapaniwala sa narinig. She's not going to enroll? She's not going to our school anymore? She's not going to be a part of our daily routine? Paano? At bakit parang ang sikip sa dibdib na biglang may mawawala sa mga paborito kong tao?

"Ang OA, girl." Halakhak ni Ruby. "Hindi naman ako mamamatay. Magaaral pa rin naman ako. Hindi nga lang 'yan ang magiging kurso ko."

"Pero bakit!?" Mineth asked, ang boses ay unti-unting tumataas. "You love reading! You love writing! Kaya bakit!? At ngayon mo lang sinabi kung kailan naka-enroll na kami ni Nacia!?"

"Bakit? Hindi rin ba kayo mage-enroll kung sakaling sinabi ko sa inyo agad?" Mahinahong sabi ni Ruby. She sounded serious and stern. Ibang-iba sa nakasanayan naming kaibigan.

"Ruby. . ." anas ni Mineth.

I glanced at her. "Is this really your choice?"

Ngumiti sa akin si Ruby. "Alam mo ba? Top 1 ako dati. . .I was good at school. Pero no'ng nasa college na ako? Sa field na akala ko ay para sa akin? Tangina, pakiramdam ko pumasok lang ako para iparating sa akin na bobo ako at hindi para sa akin ang kursong kinukuha ko."

"This is your passion," giit ni Mineth.

"Hindi," sagot ni Ruby. "I don't even know what I want in life, Mine. Ni hindi ko nga alam kung gusto ko ba talaga ang kape sa umaga o sadyang nasanay na lang ako na may kape kaya yun ang iniinom ko. That's how I feel about this course. Hindi na nga para sa akin, hindi pa ako masaya."

"Anong kukunin mo? Lilipat ka? Magiging irregular ka kung nagkataon," sabi ni Mineth. She sounded like she wanted Ruby to stay with us.

"And that's my problem, not yours," sabi ni Ruby sa mahinang tono. "Sasabay pa rin naman ako sa inyo kumain at gumala. What's the fuss?"

"Edi bakit lilipat ka pa?" tanong ni Mineth. "I don't get it. Kung di mo pala alam kukunin mo sa buhay. . .bakit ka pa lilipat?"

"Because there's more opportunities in other courses. . .kaysa sa kurso na kinukuha n'yo," mabalasik na sabi ni Ruby.

"Ruby," Mineth gritted teeth. Bakas sa kan'yang mukha na nasaktan siya.

My heart clenched as well. I know that the writing industry isn't that well known. Mas maraming mas gugustuhin na maging doctor, lawyer, engineer, o architect kaysa maging writer.

Because writing is supposed to be just a hobby. . .for the eyes of most people. That's why it hurts to not be taken seriously. Writing is also a professional work.

"Why? You wanted to know the reason, right? How sure are you that after fulfilling your entire college course, may trabaho ka agad? Na magiging successful ka agad? Be fucking real, Mineth," Ruby hissed at her. "You'll have to get a day job while writing because it's simply not enough."

"Well, at least I have the guts to cross the bridge when I fucking get there," sagot ni Mineth. "Kahit huwag ka na sumabay kumain sa amin, baka mawalan lang ako ng gana."

Padabog na tumayo si Mineth at iniwan kaming dalawa ni Ruby roon. I kept my mum as I finished my food. Nanatiling nanonood lang sa akin si Ruby.

"Hindi ka galit?" tanong ni Ruby nang mapansin na hindi pa ako umaalis sa aking pwesto.

Actually, hindi ko sinundan si Mineth dahil hindi ko pa ubos ang pagkain ko. Sayang din kasi ang mahal na ngayon ng fast food eh.

"Depende," sagot ko sa kan'ya. "Hindi ako galit na iniwan mo kami. It is your choice. You know better what you need in your life, Ruby. Pero bilang manunulat, masakit na wala kang tiwala na kaya namin umunlad sa pagsusulat."

"Sorry," halakhak n'ya at halos pabulong na magsalita. "Alam ko naman na ang insensitive ng sinabi ko. The truth is. . .I'm a coward. Ang daming magagaling na manunulat. How could I ever compete with that? Kapag nasa field na tayo, baka ako yung palaging rejected ang mga pinapasang manuscripts o scripts. I know there are a lot of work opportunities for writers. . .pero sa dami ng magagaling. . .may puwang pa ba para sa akin na marunong lang at di naman magaling?"

"Mas maigi ang marunong sa magaling, Ruby," I frankly told her. "Kapag sa tingin mo ay magaling ka na, hindi ka na hahanap ng rason para mas matuto. Pero kapag alam mong marunong ka lang, hahanap ka ng pagkakataon na mas matuto pa."

Tumahimik si Ruby. It was as if she was contemplating the right words. Unti-unti kong inubos ang pagkain ko. Hinayaan na lang siyang mag-isip kung ano talaga ang gusto n'yang tahakin.

"Do you hate me? For changing courses?" tanong n'ya na tila ba nahihiya siyang itanong 'yon.

"No."

"You think I'm stupid? Kasi sinayang ko yung panahon ko?"

"You don't necessarily waste your time when you enjoy the memories that came with it," sabi ko sa kan'ya at bahagyang napangiti. "If that one semester with us was worthwhile, I don't think you wasted your time."

Ngumiti siya. "We're still friends? Kahit di na tayo blockmates?"

I smiled at her despite the tears welling up on my eyes. "I'll miss you."

"Same school pa rin naman. . ." she chuckled but her eyes also had tears on them. She mouthed the words back. "I'll miss you too, Nacia."

Parehong kaming naiiyak dahil ang bigat sa pakiramdam na malayo ka sa kaibigan mo. I hate the feeling of longing despite knowing that she'll be near us but also far away now. Alam naman namin na kahit iisang school kami. . .we'll be apart now and maybe our friendship was cut earlier than expected. This could never be the same anymore. That's why it hurts wrenchingly.

"Please continue writing," sabi ni Ruby at pinalis ang luha sa mga mata n'ya. "Bibili ako ng libro mo! At libro ni Mineth! Kahit attitude siya ng taon!"

Humalakhak ako, "I doubt that I'll have a book."

"Magkakaroon ka 'no! Magaling ka kaya magsulat! Damihan mo ang bed scenes ha! Magpaturo ka kay Kiran! Kapag nakabasa talaga ako ng bed scene, iisipin ko ay kayong dalawa ni Kiran ang gumawa n'on bago ang characters mo!"

"Ruby!" nahihiyang saway ko at natawa sa kan'ya. "Hindi mangyayari 'yon!"

She only laughed. . .and it faded on the background; like her existence in my life.

Some writers are crippled by their fears and decide to cut their wings before they can even fly—but I have no right to chastise them for their choices in life.

We have no right to judge how a person would live their life; just as we don't have the right to dictate how a writer should end one's story. The only story that we can truly write is the one we wanted to live, the one that is tangled with our experiences but planted in a fiction novel, and the one that we can call our own.