retrospection: the act or process of looking back on things past

word count: 5111

❝ sometimes, just being in the wrong place at the wrong time can send your whole world spiralling. ❞

━━

heavenpaw felt ecstatic.

the chanting in her ears was loud, but not unbearable, and the excitement and pride from every cat pulsed in her ears. heavenpaw's chest puffed up with pride as she closed her eyes, basking in the heat of the moment.

"heavenpaw! heavenpaw!"

i just might set ablaze from all this... happiness.

for a good portion of her kithood, heavenpaw had been a weak, sickly thing, due to her mother contracting some sickness before she was born. but cinderburn had worked their magic soon enough to be able to deem heavenpaw well enough to begin her training at the usual six moons.

heavenpaw felt the warmth of shellstar's tail leave her shoulder, and she opened her eyes to see the ginger tom's gaze fixed on something beyond her shoulder. there, a light-footed shadow strode its way towards shellstar and herself.

"slitherwake will be your mentor," shellstar announced. "slitherwake, you are just and compassionate, but also display your strength when needed. train your expertise into heavenpaw and make her a warrior who deltaclan can be proud of."

heavenpaw and slitherwake's eyes met. he's got golden eyes like me. heavenpaw felt her fur rise with excitement. what did it matter her mentor's eye colour? she was an apprentice now! without realising, a silly smile bloomed on heavenpaw's face, and she started purring. then a sharp, quieting hiss burst from the crowd- coming from her mother, no doubt- and heavenpaw tried to silence her purr, lowering her gaze and trying to look solemn- but she just couldn't seem to wipe the smile from her face.

slitherwake dipped his head to touch noses with heavenpaw. heavenpaw raised her head so quickly that she bumped her nose on slitherwake's chin by accident.

"oops! sorry, slitherwake." the words came out in a slurred whisper as heavenpaw rubbed her paw over her nose. he must be mad at me now... but when heavenpaw looked up, slitherwake was chuckling softly. his eyes shone with pride as bright as stars.

"tortoisepaw! heavenpaw! tortoisepaw! heavenpaw!"

heavenpaw licked her chest fur down furiously, stealing a glance to her side. she was only trying to hide her embarrassment; in the thrill of the moment, she'd forgotten about her sibling. oops.

but thankfully, tortoisepaw only gave heavenpaw a wide grin. their pale hazel eyes showed the same joy that heavenpaw felt. next to tortoisepaw, their mentor windsmite nodded to slitherwake, a tiny smile gracing her pretty face. windsmite's serious and composed, and more fierce than she looks at first glance. i hope she treats tortoisepaw well...

heavenpaw heard a squeal, and she turned to see a small brown tabby kit rush towards her across the clearing.

"you're an apprentice now!" the kit's paws bounced as he skipped around heavenpaw's feet; heavenpaw had to dodge his clumsy landings to avoid being stepped on. then suddenly he stopped, and he ran over to tortoisepaw instead, albeit holding back and flashing a cautious glance at windsmite first. the lilac colourpoint gazed at the kit for a moment, then blinked slowly and left to join her fellow warriors. the kit purred and started yapping at tortoisepaw, who tried their best to keep up- heavenpaw had always been the more socially adept of the two. then another kit pushed his way through the crowd of warriors, dipping his head silently to heavenpaw. his expression was blank, and he blinked a few times before trailing after the first kit.

little sunrisekit's timid and awkward, but he'll follow explosive zanderkit anywhere. heavenpaw smiled to herself, and her chest almost burst open from all the emotion she felt just by looking at the kits... so tiny, so innocent, and so much personality... she could easily see her younger self in these clumsy furballs. it was... endearing.

"oh, for starclan's sake!" a long-furred tortoiseshell and white she-cat pushed through the crowd, looking mildly annoyed as her gaze sought out the two runaway kits. "don't go and bother tortoisepaw and heavenpaw!"

"they're kits, primrosefern." windsmite spoke up, eyeing the two kittens with the hint of a frown across her face. "they can hardly be anything but."

sunrisekit gave a yelp of surprise as he caught sight of his mother. he looked back and forth between her and zanderkit, unsure of who to go to. but zanderkit's head was raised in defiance.

"we wanna be apprentices too, not stay cooped up in the nursery all day long!" zanderkit pulled closer to tortoisepaw. "why can't we be apprentices?"

"because you're three moons old, that's why," tortoisepaw muttered. "the warrior code says that you can be an apprentice when you're six moons old. we had to wait too!"

"but now you're not gonna be able to play with us!"

"zanderkit, listen." heavenpaw strode to the little brown kit and crouched to meet his eye level. "even if we have apprentice duties now, we're always going to have time for you. we're friends, right?"

zanderkit nodded slowly, staring at heavenpaw's flicking tail, for once looking serious.

"tortoisepaw and i are going to learn how to hunt and fight, and we're gonna explore the territory with our mentors. we can show you everything." heavenpaw smiled softly at zanderkit, her eyes twinkling with mischief, lowering her voice to a whisper. "and i do mean everything."

zanderkit looked up and caught heavenpaw's wink, and a small smile appeared on his face. his eyes and his grin shone with new naughtiness that heavenpaw had instilled.

"come along, zanderkit, sunrisekit." the queen glided past heavenpaw and plucked sunrisekit up by the scruff.

"but, primrosefern-"

"we don't want spottedkit and nettlekit to miss us," the queen mumbled.

"go, zanderkit. we can play in the evening." heavenpaw nosed zanderkit away from her, and primrosefern herded zanderkit to her with her tail.

"..." zanderkit's ears and tail drooped a little as primrosefern led him away, but as he looked over his shoulder, he seemed to perk up a little. "see you in the evening?"

"that's a promise."

tortoisepaw smiled at heavenpaw as the kits left with their mother, shaking her head. "i still don't get how you get along with them so nicely."

"hey, they like you too." heavenpaw smirked. "you just don't know how to deal with their energy."

"yeah, well-" tortoisepaw stood up and shook themselves out, "-i don't have enthusiasm to match theirs."

"but you're still looking forward to beginning your training, i hope!" windsmite shot a look at slitherwake, who had gone away to chatter with other warriors once the kits had arrived. she nudged tortoisepaw with her forepaw, signalling with her tail for her apprentice to follow before striding up to slitherwake and clouting him over the ears. "and you, slitherwake, could at least be staying with your apprentice?"

"heavenpaw had her paws full with the kits, windsmite-"

windsmite shot slitherwake a withering glare.

"sorry, sorry." slitherwake gave windsmite a sheepish grin, to which the colourpoint she-cat rolled her eyes.

"i'm taking tortoisepaw to the dusk-side border. do whatever you want with heavenpaw." windsmite glanced back and jerked her head as a signal for tortoisepaw to follow her.

"then i'm patrolling the dawn-side border. unless you have something else you want to do?" slitherwake looked at heavenpaw and smiled.

heavenpaw couldn't help but purr as she bounded over to slitherwake. finally, she was going to become the best warrior deltaclan had ever seen!

***

at the dawn-side border...

slitherwake and heavenpaw were alone in the forest. heavenpaw had already been enjoying herself down the twisted, overgrown paths- bursting through bushes and leaf screens, crawling under fallen logs. she should've been overwhelmed by everything there was to see in the forest, but she could've discovered and re-discovered this place and never get tired at all.

and slitherwake didn't try to stop her. in fact, he seemed happy to watch her playing around with leaves and prancing about. if slitherwake had tried to stop me from enjoying myself, heavenpaw thought, would i love being an apprentice so much?

hopefully, tortoisepaw's having fun too.

now, as slitherwake studied the terrain, heavenpaw bowed her head to sniff at the strange border. there was a thick line of sand and pebbles, right in the middle of the forest- but aside from there, the land was covered with blades of grass. had the line been purposefully plucked free of grass? hesitantly, heavenpaw pressed a pad onto the path. nothing felt unnatural about it. but... how far did the line stretch? heavenpaw swung her head left and right, and though the line wavered in direction, it didn't seem to die. did starclan make this?

"heavenpaw!" slitherwake called his apprentice to him; though he had said her name, his attention seemed to be focused elsewhere. his head was raised high, ears pricked and swivelling in all possible directions. his nose twitched for a few moments, and suddenly he froze. his pupils turned thin, staring endlessly past the end of deltaclan territory, and for a moment he said nothing, even as heavenpaw reached his side.

"do you smell that?"

smell what?

heavenpaw raised her head and sniffed, imitating slitherwake's posture as she closed her eyes and tried to detect anything unusual. the forests scents all seemed to muddle into one... a giant, fragrant cloud of florals and bitters... and a sharp, musky smell that cut over it all.

"what is that?"

but slitherwake didn't answer. "we need a patrol... and they have the leader...!"

"slitherwake?" heavenpaw felt her fur bristle alone her spine and shivered. was this the scent of a fox? a badger, maybe?

"heavenpaw, let's g-"

but slitherwake never got to finish his sentence. a team of three or four silhouettes emerged from past deltaclan's faint scent markers- cat silhouettes, heavenpaw realized, as she got a look at the smooth pelts and pointed ears.

secretly, heavenpaw was mildly offended that another cat could smell so unlike those of deltaclan; these scents were strange by comparison, a little too sickly, a little too wrong. but she didn't dare say a word as their emergence illuminated the tallest of the pack in the light: this was a silver spotted tabby cat with a thin groove down their right ear and a splash of white across their muzzle and throat. their pale gray eyes reminded heavenpaw of what the sky might look like before a storm would befall the forest. scars of past battles crisscrossed the cat's pelt, including- heavenpaw froze still, unable to look away- a ghastly slash mark running from the cat's chest and down and twisting around their left foreleg.

slitherwake's pupils were barely even there as he politely dipped his head to the stranger. but heavenpaw couldn't stop staring at their scars. how many battles must you fight to obtain that many... and who inflicted that one?

"look what we have here."

heavenpaw shivered. this cat's voice reminded her of claws scraping on stone... sharp and raspy, unpleasant at best.

"one full grown warrior... and a kitten." the silver tabby curled their lip. "even i don't bring my smallest underlings into the cruel world just yet... no, they've to be weaned longer before they can fight their own battles."

"i'm an appr-" heavenpaw snapped, but was cut off by slitherwake's warning hiss. heavenpaw gritted her teeth in frustration. why should she roll over and let this stranger sneer at her?

"what do you think, bittersweet?"

"i don't know, mistral sky..." a beige-furred she-cat with a mottled tail, face and feet slid out of the shadows to stand at mistral sky's side. "shouldn't you give her," bittersweet rounded her eyes and gazed innocently at the taller cat, "a little bit of mercy? they say mercy is power, after all..." bittersweet licked her lips and blinked, smiling almost serenely.

"haha... it means i can afford to spare my foes. not that i have to. where's the fun in watching them limp back to their camps?"

heavenpaw bit her tongue trying to clamp her jaws shut. she'd almost squealed. her gaze tore away from mistral sky, instead focusing on his left, where no cat had emerged... yet. the shadows still held that secret.

"i'd much rather have a little fun..." mistral sky's claws slid from their sheaths. "just because i can."

"there could be others hiding," bittersweet warned.

"if there were, we'd already have our bloodshed," mistral sky purred. "deltaclan is always so quick to pick fights with us."

slitherwake surged forwards.

"we fight," he snarled, "because you don't seem to have any respect for lives other than your own!"

looking up at her mentor, heavenpaw didn't recognise the goofy, gentle tom who had looked down on her at her apprentice ceremony that same morning. this cat was a monstrous manifest of anger and spite, with his gnarled face and gleaming fangs, exposed weapons of war.

mistral sky's smug smirk slid off his face.

"you attack cats just for fun without regard for their lives. you just admitted it. if we were the same as you, you'd be long dead by now- but alas, what fun you must have, acting like a loose twoleg dog." slitherwake spat at mistral sky, his fur fluffed up with his heat of fury. "shellstar didn't take pity on your band so that you could treat us worse than prey."

mistral sky's whiskers twitched. "then why haven't you gotten rid of me yet? you preach the greatness of your clan, yet you haven't given me a show of strength yet. i'm still here, and you don't have the strength to deal with it."

slitherwake's tail stood up straight and began to wave side to side, his snarl fixed like stone on his face. was slitherwake getting ready to attack? but he couldn't face three of four cats at once, especially since his only ally was a new apprentice with no fighting experience.

heavenpaw stared at slitherwake. his body was tense, but not too tense- like he was anticipating something bad. and his tail... with a shock, heavenpaw recognised the signal from playing clan with her friends and her sibling. tail erect and waving back and forth... meant retreat.

but what about you, slitherwake?

"we'll fight you off if we have to. set a time and place, and we'll see whether or not deltaclan is too weak."

heavenpaw slunk back, her paws moving slower than worms. would the strangers notice or care?

of course they care! they want your blood.

heavenpaw's heart thudded so hard that she wasn't sure that the others couldn't hear it. cats who slitherwake recognised, who were clearly dangerous... should heavenpaw run for backup? would she be fast enough? and how would slitherwake hold his own...? should she obey her mentor's silent order or ignore it?

heavenpaw hesitated.

"what is this?" mistral sky blinked lazily and yawned. "a challenge? surely you understand that you're in no place to be bartering with me... are you questioning my authority?" spotted haunches bent into position as mistral sky's eyes locked onto slitherwake. "you know you're no match for me."

slitherwake's gaze flared with caution as he mirrored mistral sky's pose, readying for a fight. his tail was still waving, still warning heavenpaw to leave... but you know i can't just leave you... i can't get help in time-

that's when mistral sky lunged.

in the blink of an eye, slitherwake had spilled onto the ground, felled by mistral sky's force. a silver paw jabbed slitherwake's belly, drawing blood with its claws. slitherwake's head rose to meet it, teeth glinting and ready to strike- but as they clamped down, mistral sky pivoted, digging deeper into slitherwake's belly. the black warrior's grip loosened, but only briefly; he bit down harder, yanking the paw sideways in an effort to release himself from his enemy pinning him down.

heavenpaw could only watch the battle play out. mistral sky's hidden ally or allies did not reveal themselves to join the fight; bittersweet, too, merely observed with her gaudy blue eyes narrowed. her expression was plain, and though she kept shifting her weight, some silent command refused to let her move.

heavenpaw was an observer, and she couldn't interfere. she couldn't move or cry out. and she could lift a claw when she saw mistral sky lift his weight from slitherwake's belly, causing the tom to roll over with his own momentum. she could do nothing as mistral sky's fangs found slitherwake's neck.

and heavenpaw's youthful mind shattered with the bone. cracks that spread quickly with blunt force, and then exploding into destructive lunacy.

heavenpaw's heart stopped beating. silence filled the air as her gaze locked onto the unmoving slitherwake. mistral sky sniffed the body, kicking it to make sure it was dead. bittersweet drew a paw over her ear, like nothing had happened, like a life had not been lost- why? why did this just happen? panic flooded heavenpaw's brain as the primal instinct or survival called her name. soon, she would be next. mistral sky knew no such thing as mercy; heavenpaw was just another quarry, just another plaything to capture for the thrill of the hunt.

heavenpaw did the only thing she knew how to do: run. run like she should've done before.

"after her, both of you!"

mistral sky's yowl jerked heavenpaw back to the present. she could think again, albeit sluggishly. run. that was her only thought: run back to camp, run for help, run lest she join starclan's numbers before her time. run!

muddled pawsteps thudded against the earth, crunching against leaves. they don't even know where they're chasing me to. but heavenpaw's legs were automatic, churning their way along the exact same path that had led her to the border.

outrun.

outlast.

that was heavenpaw's only strategy. adrenaline pulsed through her blood and forced her to run even faster.

swerving through leafy veils and zigzagging past scraggly trees. just moments before, she had done this and held back laughter. now, she was constantly on the verge of breaking down, slowing down, letting her predators have their prey.

for a moment, heavenpaw forgot what she was fighting for.

a gangly fallen log cropped up in heavenpaw's vision, and she slipped underneath it easily. the thud of one pursuer's skull against wood sparked a dark sense of joy.

keep running. one enemy was out of commission, but the other was still intent on catching its prey.

how far until camp?

adrenaline raced through heavenpaw's veins. she knew that that was the only thing keeping her from collapsing onto the ground, that rush of energy... her paws pounded against dead leaves, relying on memory alone. please, let me make it back.

the forest and the journey was but a blur in heavenpaw's memory.

soon, eventually, in a moment, after forever, heavenpaw...

heavenpaw burst through the camp entrance, ignoring the stares, ignoring the world. she couldn't deal with the world. not now, not ever. why did the world have to be so cruel?

wails and caterwauls rang in heavenpaw's ears, but they meant nothing to the she-cat. the last shred of happiness, of the hope of escape, had snapped. she was safe, but what then? slitherwake's death couldn't be undone, not even by starclan. and who was to say that he would be the last? no, no... even fighting with all your skill and strength, the world has something in store to knock you down.

darkness... in the darkness behind heavenpaw's eyelids, she was safe. she was still. no more surprises, no more danger... only solace. calm, unyielding solace, however monotonous... darkness, can't you stay forever? i don't want to move again...

a paw touched heavenpaw's shoulder, and before she could even register the touch, a scream escaped her mouth. light flooded heavenpaw's vision. it was too harsh to make sense of anything... danger and fear, threats and traumas, mental wounds that might never close... all that hurt, and all that paranoia, scarred her surroundings with her own claws. anything to escape. anything to be safe!

"heavenpaw, what is wrong with you?" another cat grabbed heavenpaw's scruff, out of sight, out of heavenpaw's control. heavenpaw was batting at air, dragged farther and farther from the bleeding tortoiseshell pelt she had scored. why? why was she the enemy now? she didn't want to die, not like this...! not so helpless!

heavenpaw did the only thing that she thought she could: fight. fight, run, or die.

the she-cat twisted around to score her assailant on the shoulder, and their grip loosened.

survival of the fittest. that was what this world was all about. there was no such thing as kindness, no such thing as mercy. no such thing as peace. life was a battle, and everyone was losing, everyone except the reigning monarch- to which everyone else was a pawn. dispensable. worthless. weak.

heavenpaw tore herself away and made a beeline for the apprentices' den, crashing into a nest- caring not for whether or not it was hers- and shut out the world again... but no... darkness didn't come. instead, images flooded her head.

slitherwake's foolhardy courage, and mistrial sky's sadistic play... the killing bite...

a torturous scream filled heavenpaw's mind, pushing out everything else, everything but the monster that was thought itself. a scream, and then everything faded away.

***

the next time heavenpaw opened her eyes, she was no longer alone.

"awake now, huh?" cinderburn pawed something closer to heavenpaw's muzzle- an uneaten trout as long as heavenpaw was nose to tail. why? deltaclan usually shared their bigger fish among family and friends- one cat couldn't possibly finish one on their own- and heavenpaw didn't think cinderburn counted as either.

"you should get some energy. eat up; it's almost moonhigh."

heavenpaw stared at cinderburn as the latter sat up from her position on the floor and starting licking herself clean. only then did heavenpaw notice it: a straight, slanted scratch across the medicine cat's chest.

"what..." suddenly, heavenpaw didn't feel like eating anymore. "what happened to you?"

as soon as she asked the question, the scene popped right back into her head. the battle-scarred leader... the slaughter... the chase...

heavenpaw's heart started racing. she'd come straight to camp, being chased by two hostile cats- if she'd made it to camp, then so did her pursuers...

"no... oh, starclan, don't let anyone else be dead, please..." heavenpaw buried her muzzle beneath her paws. her breaths started to quicken, readying her for another run, another life or death chase... she'd been a fool to let her guard down, even if it was only cinderburn right now.

"heavenpaw." cinderburn spoke firmly and curtly. "you're safe now. the warriors will protect you."

"what ab-about the... cats that followed me?"

cinderburn hesitated. "all taken care of." the medicine cat rose and stepped closer. "let me take a look at you."

"t-taken care of?" heavenpaw should've felt relieved, but her chest only tightened. "where did they go? how do y-you guarantee... they won't come back-"

"one of them came into the camp after you, and the other one was chased down by a patrol. both dead now. happy?" cinderburn whisked their tail impatiently as she searched heavenpaw for wounds. "you're not the first one to witness those creatures. shellstar was too kind, inviting them to stay on our borders- but he refuses to chase them off, the mouse-heart. what are we meant to do, sit here and wait for them to get tired of this place?"

"..." heavenpaw didn't want to admit it, but upon hearing that the two rogue cats had been killed... she felt relieved. happy, even. two enemies down... but how many left to go?

heavenpaw felt the panic come for her again before she fell under. like the ground had been robbed from beneath her feet, the realization struck heavenpaw: she couldn't control anything in her life. she was just spiralling away as life took its course and the world enacted its cruelty... the world that could discard her at any given moment. heavenpaw's heart started racing...

"great starclan... relax, heavenpaw. was their deaths that upsetting?"

heavenpaw shook her head fiercely. no, she wasn't upset about the rogues' deaths. she didn't know why... her heart, her throat, her lungs, everything felt constricted by... by what? fear? anxiety? or was this just fate playing its games?

"i'll be right back." cinderburn dashed out of the den, not looking back. moments later, she returned holding stalks bearing small, thick leaves and settled down.

"chew on these," cinderburn ordered. "they'll help."

heavenpaw obeyed, gnawing at cinderburn's stalks. the smell of the plants was tangy and cold, but heavenpaw tried her best to ignore it.

chewing on these will help.

chewing on these herbs will let me be normal.

what is normal? is it just like everyone else? they weren't there... they didn't see slitherwake...

do i have to forget him? should i? no...

do i have to forget or remember everything? forget the threat... forget that...

remember that... the scene, the blood, all that blood, that smell...

... we're all doomed...

... we're all helpless against the world...

heavenpaw began shivering, breathing faster and faster.

escape.

that is all you can do.

how?

i'm trapped and i can't get out... i can never get out...

"heavenpaw, breathe!" cinderburn pushed themselves to heavenpaw's side, breathing deeply, hoping that heavenpaw would catch on.

"breathe... i can administer you poppy seed in just a moment, but you need to be stable."

"i can't..." heavenpaw gasped. "you... they don't even respect you, a medicine cat. isn't that h-how you got wounded?"

cinderburn stared at heavenpaw, their expression unchanging. "do you remember any of what happened when you came back?"

heavenpaw was unresponsive for a minute.

"... nothing good. running. that's it."

heavenpaw's meow was slurred.

"well, okay. i think it would be good if we keep it that way, you know- just leaving all this in the past." cinderburn stood up to leave. "i'll tell the other 'paws that they can come back in."

heavenpaw blinked a couple times before it dawned on her: it was moon-high, yet the apprentices' den didn't have any apprentices inside, not even tortoisepaw. had this all been to make space for her? judging from what cinderburn had said, it seemed clear that heavenpaw's suspicion was true.

was heavenpaw really that... unwell?

"don't worry about a thing, if you can help it." cinderburn nodded to heavenpaw, padding towards the entrance.

"i'll have you fixed up, and you can go back to being an apprentice. just give me time."

***

just give you time, huh, cinderburn?

quiverskies crouched on the peaty forest floor, surrounded by stray fallen pine needles. her forepaws covered her ears in a desperate attempt to muffle out the world, even though there was no sound. not the meow of other cats, nor the squeaks of prey animals. no prey lived in this rank forest.

the memories had continued to haunt her. cinderburn had failed.

all her life, she was plagued at random times with sheer panic, the knowledge that she and everyone she loved was going to die. she'd seen it happen once; what was stopping it from happening again? not shellstar nor his numerous deputies, and not the warriors, who always returned from battles exhausted and bleeding. only sablestar, leader after shellstar, had been able to stop mistrial sky's carnage- but how much had been lost already? quiverskies knew firsthand how violent those cats were- the cats who she had later learned had the audacity to name themselves 'mistralclan'. some clan they were, with no code to follow and morals akin to rogues!

quiverskies had screamed at her clanmates every time those thoughts hit her again- and that was far too many times- about mistralclan and their malicious plots, their hunger for blood, their carelessness for other life.

'we're still fighting. we haven't surrendered.' ha! you haven't surrendered the clan, but you've surrendered so many lives in battles against cats who shouldn't have been there in the first place. starclan forbid shellstar grow himself a spine! what about slitherwake? he was only the first! what about honeyflight, leopardsnout, crocuswhistle, snowflower... the list goes on and on.

what about me?

the all-too familiar prick of claws dug into quiverskies's fur, but into her skull this time; usually, it was her forelegs acting as...

... the anchors.

anchors. only temporary anchors, present shocks to keep her from skipping into the past. a normal cat would never welcome such pain, but for quiverskies, pain was an anchor to herself. pain kept her away from her demons.

but this sort of physical pain, any physical pain was nothing compared to the memories. the terror, the impending doom, the repeated first scene that had started it all...

quiverskies didn't welcome true pain, but it seemed to come and go as it pleased. even cinderburn had never been able to cure her- or to 'fix' her, as they had put it.

fixed. quiverskies bit her lip. she didn't need to be fixed. she needed to be understood. but that had never happened, and quiverskies was always alone in her own head. she'd cried for help, and no one had been able to help.

but they've proven how worthless they are. at least i no longer have false faith.

rage, not fear, burned in quiverskies's heart, and her claws hesitantly retracted. she was present.

a shuddering breath.

quiverskies closed her eyes, breathing hard, or at least trying to. darkness. it was always the darkness and the silence, the only things that had ever brought her solace, more than anything- and even then, the night would betray quiverskies... sleep brought nightmares with it, and with nightmares, quiverskies relived that day, every single time, the same nightmare, the same terror... at least in the dark forest, quiverskies never got tired, never needed to sleep... at least the nightmares would never hurt her ever again.

zanderstride's persistent fake 'help' and consistently frazzled self had only ever increased her panic; tortoiserain had been scared away by quiverskies's returning fears before the two had even become warriors; cinderburn, the clan medicine cat, had eventually given up on her. the warriors preached about loyalty, but really, loyalty was a joke. cats were only loyal to one another when the other wouldn't hold them back.

and quiverskies didn't have the patience for fair-weather friends, panic-stricken or not.

quiverskies could only ever trust herself in this world... the world of 'kill or be killed', doing anything to save yourself. it was the opposite of what naïve heavenkit had imagined what being a warrior was like...

quiverskies's breaths turned into thin whimpers. why did everything have to go wrong?