JENNY

It's not that I'm judging Sage, I swear. I mean, she's totally my best friend. But can I just get this off my chest for a second? The whole Debbie Downer thing she does sometimes, where she suddenly gets all sad, and won't look you in the eye, and says things like, "I'm gonna cut my thighs off," or "Plomp!" whenever she sits down—like, yeah, I get it. She's a couple pounds heavier than me and Rain, but it's enough already. Like, no one is judging her but her, you know what I mean? No one else is thinking these things about her. I just want to shake her sometimes.

Because she's not always like that. Like, last year she started doing yoga, and she went through this whole "I only wear white, and I have love beads rattling on my wrist, and peace and love" thing that I guess is just her trying to be like her mom. Because Cherie's like that. (It's pronounced "Sherry," by the way, so don't say it the French way.) Cherie's warm and loving, and never says anything mean about anyone.

But then a few months ago, all Sage's white clothes went away, and she started wearing these baggy sweatshirts and baggy pants. Like she was trying to hide or something. Like she was trying to disappear.

I tried to talk to Rain about this when we were at the mall last week, but she didn't care. I swear, Rain and I used to be so close. We've known each other since we were in kindergarten, that's how far back we go. I mean, we were in Girl Scouts together, you know? And let me tell you, you really don't know a person until you've seen them wearing a giant cardboard cookie on their heads and shouting at people at the grocery store to buy just one more box of Thin Mints.

Rain was confident even then. Of course, most people called her Ana at the time. But that name never really seemed to suit her. Only the people who really knew her called her Rain. Basically just her big sister and me.

Rain changed when Amalia left. That's the truth. She got colder then. Harder. We used to have sleepovers all the time. We used to tell each other everything. I mean, EVERYTHING. (Okay, maybe not everything. Like, obviously I never told her that I made out with John a couple times. But that really doesn't count, because they weren't even together then.)

But I've always told her the things that mattered. Like, the first time I slept with Dave, I went right over to her house and told her immediately. It was almost like it didn't feel real to me until Rain knew. She was on her couch watching TV. She just nodded when I told her but didn't say anything.

So I said to her, "Do you think you'll sleep with John soon?" And she said, "Oh, we already have."

I just sat there and stared at her. Eventually, I was like, "When?" And she said, "Months ago."

I mean—what the hell??? We're, like, best friends! I mean, for a minute there, it was her and me and Sage. We were inseparable. We were a unit. And now... I mean, she didn't even tell me when she lost her virginity? Are we even friends?

It's the doors. I'm telling you, it's the doors. They're tearing us apart, but then in this twisted, fucked up way, they're also the only thing keeping us together. They're like this huge secret that only we know about. And I feel like... I don't even know.

I feel like we're addicted. We're addicted to the thrill of them. Of what we'll see on the other side. What version of yesterday or today will we discover next? (Not tomorrow, obviously. That door is locked.)

And that's another thing. Rain won't tell me how she knew to put the "Tomorrow" sign on that door. The first time I asked her, she said she just assumed because the first door led to the past and second door to the present. But then Dave was up in my room a few nights ago and he said that Rain told him once that it was her sister who told her about Tomorrow.

So, I was like, "Wait, hold up! Amalia knew about the doors?"

And Dave just shrugged and said, "Who's Amalia?"

Jesus. That boy can be so dense sometimes.

And can I just say one more thing? I saw Dave this morning in the cafeteria, 'cause I was grabbing a bagel before chemistry. And he had this messed-up look in his eye, like he hadn't slept all night. And I was like, "Hey, babe, what's up?" right? But he wouldn't tell me. He just shook his head and said, "Nothin'."

Now, Dave's a terrible liar, so I was like, "Tell me." And he said, "I told you, nothing."

I started to get mad. I said, "If you don't tell me what's going on right now, I'm breaking up with you." His face got all red, which happens when he's confused or frustrated. And he said, "That's fine with me!" And he stormed off.

Yeah, whatever. We're not broken up. He says shit like that all the time, and by the nighttime, he's trying to get me into the backseat of his car again.

But it weirded me out that he was being that way. I mean, is there some new secret that I don't know?