With shaky hands, Jaebeom reaches for the button that will call a nurse in the room. His sight is i and he's doing his best not to cry, but his eyes are fixed on Jinyoung and the younger is crying. He looks hopeless and just so disappointed. Jaebeom imagines the other man looks like that because he's awake and that wasn't what he wanted. That's never been what he wanted, or at least it wasn't before the accident, things changed after that.

In his chest his heart is aching, so much it is actually hard to breathe, but at no point does he take his eyes off of Jinyoung. Foolishly, he never thought about the possibility of Jinyoung not recognising him, his biggest worry was losing Jinyoung, not keeping his memories of their time together.

What a fool.

A nurse comes in and even without turning to look at her he can imagine her surprise when she sees Jinyoung is awake, Jaebeom hears her intake of air and how she stops on her tracks.

"He's finally awake!" The nurse cries out, immediately running to take everything out of Jinyoung's face so he can breathe on his own. "I'll call the doctor immediately," she announces, promptly turning on her heels and walking out of the room again, faster this time.

Jaebeom only nods his head, not knowing if he should stay in the room. Part of him still holds on dearly to the hope perhaps Jinyoung still recognises him.

"Jinyoungie..." he whispers and the younger boy turns to look at him. At least he does recognise his own name, Jaebeom thinks.

When they meet eyes, Jinyoung's expression doesn't change much, he looks as clueless as he did before, brow furrowed in confusion.

"Who..." he breathes out, choked and hoarse, coughing a few times. Jaebeom immediately grabs a glass of water, trying to help Jinyoung but the younger man recoils when Jaebeom gets closer, as if he was scared. "Who...are... you?"

His heart hits the floor one more time at the confirmation that Jinyoung doesn't recognise him; it hurts so much as if something was torn open in his chest and now he's bleeding out, right in that hospital room with all the other patients as witnesses.

Those features Jaebeom got so used to, the ones he learned to read and the ones he loves so dearly only show wariness and extreme confusion. The dark brown eyes flick from side to side, exploring their surroundings and avoiding Jaebeom.

"Just passing by..." Jaebeom whispers, stepping back and needing space, needing air because it hurts so much he's drowning in his own sorrow.

In that moment and as a small blessing, the doctor and nurses come in. Jaebeom steps back slowly, disappearing unnoticed and Jinyoung doesn't even spare him once glance.

Heartbroken and resigned, Jaebeom leaves Jinyoung to the professionals and walks way in a trance. He lets his feet to lead him anywhere, he's not paying attention, he doesn't care. He cannot rejoice in the miracle that Jinyoung woke up, the pain due to the younger not recognising him is far too greater, far more powerful, far more intoxicating.

All those months, all those memories and important moments... they don't exist anywhere but Jaebeom's mind. The love he's so sure of now is definitely not requited.

He's the only one in love.

Jaebeom walks into the lift, down to the lobby and out of the hospital building. Into the streets and the symphony of the busy city of Seoul becomes a distant noise that doesn't even register in his ears. Everything is just a buzz for him and he doesn't even pay attention. He crosses streets in red lights and is lucky not to get run over. He walks absentmindedly, completely surrendered to his pain.

Jaebeom walks for minutes, hours or maybe days. It doesn't register with him, it doesn't matter.  All he can see is Jinyoung's dark eyes not recognising him, the tight line of his lips in rejection, the furrow of his brow in confession.

Somewhere in Seoul, Jaebeom trips on his own feet, landing hard on the concrete. The ball of his hands get scraped and some parts immediately start bleeding, scarlet red pains his cold pale hands and he can only stare at the as if they didn't belong to them. At least he doesn't feel the burning from the wounds.

"It can't compare," he muses in a mumble, referring to the pain of falling compared to the pain of, in a way, still losing Jinyoung.

Jaebeom balls his fists tightly, his nails buried in the fresh wounds, drawing more blood that now slides down his wrists, into his sleeves. He also closes his eyes and tries to take deep breaths, but when he opens them again he notices he's on a bridge, one of the many that cross the Han River. The realisation hits him so hard it knocks the air out of his lungs.

That's the moment Jaebeom loses it.

Still on his knees, he just starts crying. Out loud, bawling his eyes out, crying out in agony for the boy he lost, for the love he cannot have back, for that future he was planning with Jinyoung. He cries so hard his body shakes and he's lost all strength, incapable of standing up, he's just kneeling by the rail, crying miserably. People walk by, but as it always happens in Seoul, they only take pictures or videos of the miserable man instead of offering to help. The agony of others is their comfort, Jaebeom thinks bitterly, wishing he could find some comfort but all he feels is pain, burning paralysing pain.

Jaebeom cries until he's got no more tears, until his body is so still he could be asleep. His eyes are open but they can see anything. He's not really there or anywhere else, lost somewhere far, far away. It is not up to him to leave his spot but the police officers that come to his side and drag him to his feet. Jaebeom cannot hear what they say, he doesn't care to listen... until one words make it through the haze of his mind.

"—hospital—"

And Jaebeom panics, immediately pulling away from the officers, trying to break free as he repeats: "no, I won't go to the hospital... I can't see him when he doesn't see me."

Unsurprisingly, the officers grab him again, tighter and try to calm him down, but Jaebeom is in shock. The pain, the cold and the helplessness he's feeling all add up to make him like that.

"Just take me home..." he begs, looking at one of the officers with teary eyes, pleading.

"Where do you live?" One of the officers asks and without even having to think, Jaebeom gives him his address in Seocho, where his mother should be, waiting for him.

The officers seem to agree that it's better to take him home instead of the hospital or the police station, which is the most merciful thing they could've done for the heartbroken boy.

Kindly, the officers take Jaebeom to his door, probably to make sure the boy didn't lie and that they are leaving him in a responsible adult's hands.

The in-home nurse his father hired to take care of Jaebeom's mother opens the door and obviously recognises Jaebeom, gasping in surprise and immediately making him come in, apologising to the police officers for troubling them and thanking them for bringing Jaebeom in. Kindly, she invites them inside to give them something to eat and drink, but they refuse saying they are on patrol and shouldn't get too sidetracked.

"Young master, are you okay?" She asks, carefully guiding Jaebeom into the living room and making him sit.

Normally, Jaebeom would tell the lady not to call him that, he's never liked it even if it's the norm. He's too tired to even complain about that.

"Ahjumma, where is eomma?" He asks instead, sounding as miserable as he feels.

"I'll bring her here," she answers, walking away immediately as Jaebeom sinks in the sofa.

A few minutes later, Ahjumma arrives with his mother who slowly sits by his side, her hand on Jaebeom's leg, trying to get his attention.

"Adeul, what happened to you?" She asks, concern dripping in her voice.

"I fell in love with someone who doesn't even know me," Jaebeom breathes out, his voice shaking as if he were to cry again, even when there are no tears left to cry. "And I don't know what to do with the hole in my heart."

"Oh my precious boy," his mother laments, immediately pulling him to her side. Jaebeom falls as if gravity was too strong, his head ends up on his mother lap and she is comfortingly stroking his hair. "You're heartbroken."

"I... I truly love him," Jaebeom sighs, closing his eyes. "I didn't even know how strongly I fell for him."

In no moment his mother stops caressing him, and if she's surprised because he's admitted to love another boy, she doesn't show it at all.

If Jaebeom has realised something that day it is how much he loves Jinyoung. The pain he feels is directly proportional to the love he feels for Jinyoung. Quite late he realises the strength of his feelings, when there's no point in telling the recipient of his affection when he doesn't know him or even care about Jaebeom.

"You said he doesn't know you. How did you fell in love then?"

"He forgot all about me," Jaebeom clarifies. "It's like he doesn't know me anymore."

"Did he really do that or is that what he said? Did you have a fight? Did you confess? Do you know why he's acting like that?"

Unhelpfully, his mind supplies for even more piercing answers.

Maybe he never loved you and he couldn't bear with your affection so his mind forgot you to cope with everything, leaving you out.

Jaebeom clenches his chest when he thinks like that, feeling like he's being stabbed a thousand times.

Maybe even if he felt something for you it wasn't strong enough to overcome his desire to die, and thats why he doesn't remember you, because he wants to die more than he wants to be with you.

Jaebeom clings to his mother legs, squeezing the fabric of her skirt in his bloody fists, shaking.

"Ah, adeul," she laments. "You're too precious to be hurting like this. You deserve to be loved, I'm sure you'll find someone who does, even if it's not the one you want right now."

It doesn't comfort Jaebeom, not in the slightest but he doesn't say anything; instead, he buries his face in his mother lap and lets her comfort him by just stroking his hair, with her presence. If he's lucky and life is merciful, he'll fall asleep and escape the agony for a few hours.

Hopefully.

~

Hi there. Sorry for such long wait. I got promoted at work and had extra training and just so much to do. I'll try to update soon. But I'm still adjusting to the change.
Bel, xx