Jinyoung immediately tenses but to his credit, he does not step back. The younger man takes a deep breath, squaring his shoulders and meeting Jaebeom's eyes. The older, after gathering all the courage to say that, is now blank. He just watches Jinyoung but cannot find the words to start the important conversation. There's so much he wants to know, so much he needs to understand and he doesn't know where to start.

"I... I went to see you, I mean... in your room, here at the hospital," Jaebeom starts, although he isn't sure where he's going with that. "It was a relief seeing you alive... somewhat."

"For now," Jinyoung shrugs. "Why did you go? I cannot hear you there or anything, I'm not really there, you know."

"I know... but I needed to know that you weren't gone forever. You, showing up like that was scary, you know that?"

"I'm sorry," Jinyoung looks down, looking really sorry. "I didn't do it on purpose to scare you or anything, I just... needed you. I know you don't want to see me but I couldn't help it."

"When... when did you do that?" At first Jinyoung doesn't understand what Jaebeom means and his brow furrows in confusion. It takes him a few more seconds to realise, his expressions shows the understanding and his features harden.

"Three or four years ago, I'm not really sure. I was doing really badly," the younger replies, rubbing his hands over his forearms.

"Why did you do it?" Jaebeom asks, realising he needs to understand that part of Jinyoung. Being just fascinated with death isn't enough for him anymore, and he needs to know what's pushing the younger to attempt suicide... multiple times.

"Why does someone try to kill themselves?"

Jaebeom doesn't appreciate the sass the other boy is giving him, his own expression becomes cold stone and he gives an unamused glare to the younger. Jinyoung has the decency to look away, biting his lips in regret.

"I wanted to die, I wanted to end everything. I failed, clearly. But I wanted it so bad."

Jinyoung's voice is deep and broken, raspy as if it was hard to get the words out of his mouth. Jaebeom can see how the younger buries his fingers in his arms, clenching maybe too tight. His own heart aches as much as his mind cannot understand the reason behind that desire.

Like an insensitive fool, he asks: "Why?"

Jinyoung heaves an exhausted sigh, his shoulders sinking as if he was carrying the weight of Earth on them.

"I don't have a good reason," the younger laughs, but it's so void of humour. It's dry and ironic, and it's tainted with deep sadness.

"I still want to know, even if it's the dumbest reason," Jaebeom pushes. "I need to know, Jinyoung. I feel like I don't understand a single thing about you, like I don't know you at all."

"You know me!" The younger cries out. "Better than anyone..." he adds in a whisper, his eyes trembling with emotions.

"Then tell me, I want to understand you better."

"Why?" It's the turn of Jinyoung to demand for reasons.

"Because I need to, to move on, to leave this behind... I need to understand."

His words seem to hurt Jinyoung, his expression is broken and hopeless, he looks at Jaebeom as something he knows he's lost and cannot get back, something he misses so dearly already. It makes Jaebeom uncomfortable and miserable at the same time, for he hates seeing Jinyoung looking so sorrowful.

"I just... feel void, all the time. And you know what's worse? I have no reason to feel like this. My parents are married and they love each other. We don't have financial problems so we live comfortably even if we're not rich or anything. We are all healthy. I have a very comfortable situation, my home isn't broken, I'm not bullied or anything. I have none of the problems other people face... but I feel empty. There's nothing I want, nothing I crave. I feel like I'm here just wasting space and resources. I don't... want to be alive, I have nothing to give and I'm just taking. And I feel like an ungrateful bastard for feeling like this when I have so many blessings. My sister, for instance! She is happy, she does something she loves and is good at, she has dreams but I have nothing. All I want is to... cease to exist."

Jaebeom takes a step forward, his heart aching for the boy in front of him. Jinyoung looks completely lost, angry with himself for the way he feels, frustrated.

"I wish I... could have a reason. Like... my parents are abusive or I'm bullied but no, everything is perfectly ordinary. I'm just... weird. I'm the problem, so if I'm not here, there's no problem, right?"

He wants to comfort the younger, pull him in a hug at least, but Jinyoung looks at the edge and Jaebeom fears any movement could set him off, so he stays where he is, watching the other boy with an aching heart. He wishes there was something he could do to help him, give him a reason but he has no power to do so.

Jaebeom's not closer to fully understand Jinyoung and why he acts the way he does, but he feels incredibly sorry for younger and he can understand how frustrated he must be, just having himself to blame for the way he feels.

"Have you... gone to the doctor? Therapist?" He feels embarrassed for even asking that, and the way Jinyoung rolls his eyes doesn't help.

"Of course," the younger replies. My family forced me after the first suicide attempt. I jumped to the river, got a bad cold, a twisted ankle and some bruised ribs." He gives Jaebeom a pointed look. "It's not a good way to kill yourself, chances are you'll survive or be rescued first."

"What did the doctor say?" Jaebeom asks to keep Jinyoung focused on that instead of how inefficient is trying to die by jumping into the Han.

"I'm depressed," Jinyoung shrugs. "They prescribed medication and I couldn't bother to take it, so I din't get better or anything. As I kept attempting suicide, and showing no commitment to get better, my parents gave up on me. Assumed it was just a call for attention and they wouldn't give in to my dramatic and immature methods."

Jaebeom doesn't miss the venom and resentment in those words, the hurt in the younger's eyes.

"Is that why they don't come to see you?"

"I guess," Jinyoung shrugs again. "I didn't expect them to worry about me like you did for your mother. I bet they think I haven't woken up because I'm being dramatic and I'll come back when I'm tired of being an attention whore."

"Were you trying to kill yourself when you got in the accident?" He asks although he remembers Jinyoung said that wasn't the case, and he can see how the younger's head snaps, his expression offended.

"No!" He snaps. "I told you. I just had a fight with noona that night and I couldn't bear to stay home so I left. I just needed some air. I didn't mean to get in the accident and do that to your mother!"

"Okay," the older breathes out. He knows it, his mother told him he cannot blame Jinyoung, but he just... needed to make sure, that it was just an accident and Jinyoung didn't want to die that night. "I just wanted to know what got you there that night."

Jinyoung stares at him as if waiting for something else, another horrid accusation.

"I really didn't mean that to happen. I want to die, just me, but I don't want to harm anyone else in the way. I... I'm sorry about what I caused, I should've been more careful, I should've paid attention instead of being immersed in my own little world, I should've..." Jinyoung's voice breaks and Jaebeom can see the immense regret, the sorrow the younger feels and how that is choking him. It hurts him seeing Jinyoung hurting. "I'm so sorry, hyung. I really didn't mean it."

"I know..." Jaebeom agrees, sighing deeply. Jinyoung's eyes widens in surprise, his body leans forward as if wanting to get closer to the older but stopping himself. "It was an accident."

It's like Jinyoung deflates, he looks so relieved and about to start crying, his eyes well with unleashed tears and Jaebeom is surprised that statement could have such an impact on the younger.

"Why aren't you waking up?" Instead of dealing with forgiveness, he decides to ask something else that's as important. He gives a pointed look at Jinyoung, willing him to answer as honestly as possible.

"I don't know, it's not like I have the ability to do. If I get closer to my body I just... suffer."

"Do you want to wake up?" The older asks next, trying to corner Jinyoung to be completely honest.

"I... I don't know."

"Then why haven't you left yet? If you wanted to die so much before... why are you still here?"

Jinyoung doesn't answer, he just stares at Jaebeom with an intensity that makes his hairs stand up, his heart leap and his whole body to tense. The younger is saying something with his eyes that Jaebeom isn't sure he's fully understanding.

"I wonder why..." mutters Jinyoung, never breaking the eye contact.

Jaebeom feels in that moment that Jinyoung is telling him he is the reason, that the younger hasn't given up because of him. He feels pressured and at the same time... happy. The part of him that still loves Jinyoung rejoices in the possibility that the younger feels the same way, but the part that is scared of how complicated everything is cries to be careful, to not get swayed.

"Would you miss me if I don't wake up? If I'm gone forever?" Jinyoung asks, taking a step closer and making Jaebeom tense.

The words are stuck in Jaebeom's throat, too caught up in Jinyoung's intense stare, in the way he takes another step closer. He can't look away but he cannot answer either, because saying that yes, he'd miss him so damn much, he already misses him, is like saying he forgives him for hiding the truth, for everything that's happened. It'd mean he leaves behind the accident, the resentment, the pain and is ready to move on. However, Jaebeom doesn't feel ready to make such statement in just a few seconds, he needs more time to process to make such commitment, so for now he stays quiet.

Jinyoung waits, holding his stare and stopping only when they are a couple of centimetres apart. He can feel the younger's warmth, he can hear his breathing and it confuses him because he knows the Jinyoung in front of him is not the real one, he's not alive, this is not really his body. This is something else, something weird and that he can't ever understand.

"I see..." Jinyoung mutters, apparently giving up on getting an answer from the older and taking his silence as answer. "Bye then, hyung."

He doesn't get exactly what's going on, too distracted with Jinyoung's proximity and his thoughts, until the younger isn't there anymore.

And that's the moment he panics.

∞

I hope you liked this chapter.

Skyler0921 made this gorgeous edit inspired on the story and I love it! Thank you so much.

Bel, xx