It's hard, immensely hard. To fall asleep, to actually sleep, to wake up the next day, to even have breakfast is difficult. A part of Jaebeom knows he's being way overdramatic, but the biggest part of him, the one that's heartbroken, doesn't listen to reason and just feels devastated. And as a heartbroken boy, he can't think clearly. He's mostly emotions and no logic at all. Whenever he even considers to figure out what to do, all he can see is the way Jinyoung looked at him and he's lost again in his angst.

His mother probably sees how depressed he is and decides that Jaebeom needs help, people that can pick him up and get his mind out of his own suffering.

That's how Mark and Jackson come into Jaebeom's room when he's given up on breakfast and decide to just lay in bed, begging for dreamless sleep.

The door to his room opens with a loud bang and an even louder claim: "I've come to deliver hugs!"

"And I've come to deliver fried chicken," adds another voice.

Without having to open his eyes, Jaebeom knows it's Jackson and Mark respectively. It's not only evident in their voices, it's in how worried yet ready to do anything to help that Jackson sounds, or how soft and sympathetic Mark's tone is.

"Eomma said you're sad and if you're sad I'm obliged to give you extra love as your oldest and closest friend," Jackson says, without waiting for a greeting or a word from Jaebeom, just quickly walking to the older's bed to lie with him, immediately cuddling him. "I gotcha, hyung."

Jaebeom is touched and surprisingly, extremely comforted with the tight hug and the warmth from Jackson's body.

"I bought your favourite chicken. I know you aren't hungry but this is the absolutely best and we can't let it go cold, can we?" Mark tries to persuade him, hoping to get a reaction from Jaebeom. He can feel the way his mattress sinks where the oldest of them all sits, just as he feels that bony hand on his calf. "You gotta eat something, Jaebeomie."

"Do you want me to feed you?" Jackson asks and he sounds incredibly serious, which surprisingly, manages to get a chuckle from Jaebeom.

Slowly, the young man moves, escaping Jackson's strong arms and properly facing his friends that are there for him only. He can finally properly greet them, meeting their concerned eyes and their comforting smiles. He does his best to smile back, but it's broken and tired. Still, Jaebeom reaches for a drumstick, taking a deep breath and hoping the smell will awaken something inside him, something to make him feel more alive. However, the only thing that awakens is his stomach, grumbling immediately and letting him know he's actually hungry, even if he's so sad.

Mark smiles like a doting mother when Jaebeom takes the first bite, clearly glad he took the bait. None of them says anything, they let the young man eat in silence, slowly but surely. Only after three drumsticks Jackson dares to say something.

"Feeling any better?"

"I guess," Jaebeom replies vaguely. "Did eomma really call you?"

"Yes," Mark replies. "She's worried and she also said you might need someone who takes you out to distract you. She's sad she can't do much."

Jaebeom feels bad about that. His mother comforted him all night and obviously she must be so worried, frustrated that her mobility is limited and even her speech is still slow and clumsy at times. He feels bad for worrying her.

"Do you want to talk about it or do you want us to help you not think about it?" Mark asks and Jaebeom has to think about it. As much as he's hurting, he knows he needs distraction, some detachment so he can think instead of just drowning in his own pity party.

"Let's go somewhere," he requests and without hesitation, his friends are on their feet, ready to go.

Jackson grabs the rest of the chicken, stealing one piece and then speaking with his mouth full. "We might get hungry on the way."

Jaebeom chuckles, taking another drumstick himself and following his friends outside his own room. His mother seems happy to see him going out with his friends, or at least somewhat relieved. He tries to smile, just to reassure her, but he knows it must look as void as he feels. He still tries, though.

The first option is going for food, but just the chicken is enough for Jaebeom. Mark and Jackson realise it was a bad idea. Jackson comes with a better idea, something that will make Jaebeom busy with something else unless he want to get hit in the face; he proposes screen baseball. It's a known fact Jaebeom isn't very good at sports in general.

"He sucks so much that he has to really concentrate to hit the ball, it's perfect!" Jackson explains, overly excited and so proud of himself.

"Wow, thank you for that compliment," Jaebeom intervenes, sarcastically. "I don't suck, I'm just not great."

"You suck. Big time," Mark adds, totally not helping. "It's a great idea."

"You both are horrible friends," Jaebeom mumbles as Jackson wraps his arm around his shoulders and just drags him towards the closest baseball screen room. He obviously doesn't mean that, Jaebeom is actually incredible grateful his friends are acting just normally and even teasing him, it certainly helps him to feel more comfortable and distracted.

With gritted teeth, Jaebeom has to accept he sucks at baseball, even screen baseball. He barely hits one ball out of five, even if he really concentrates, he just can't get the right timing or angle. He grows frustrated and his competitive spirit kicks in, getting him so into the moment he forgets everything else, only the incoming ball exists in that moment.

Yet he still fails.

Jackson and Mark laugh so hard, no compassion for the young man inside the swinging room, and Jaebeom is offended, and also fired up.

"If you think you're so good go ahead!" He spits, throwing his bat and walking out of the room angrily as Jackson walks in, all cockily.

"Watch the former athlete kick your ass with no effort whatsoever," Jackson brags, and Jaebeom is infuriated when the younger actually hits the ball. Jackson's hyena laughter and mocking dance don't help at all to be a better loser.

"Just luck!" Jaebeom fights but Jackson keeps dancing, ignoring the next ball that is shot and almost hits him in the nape. "Serves you right!"

"I won't let you distract me anymore! I'm gonna win and you'll have to buy me meat every day for a month!"

"I never agreed to that," Jaebeom complaints.

"It's a implicit agreement when you walk in. You can't get out of it. Now watch me!"

Jackson really doesn't listen to whatever Jaebeom has to say and just continues hitting the balls, one after the other while Mark chuckles joyfully next to him, amused at the sore loser that Jaebeom is. The younger isn't the best, he still misses some balls or barely hits them, but he is, with no doubt, better than Jaebeom and he has to accept his defeat. However, when it's Mark's turn, the two younger sit outside being completely humiliated because Mark hits every ball almost perfectly, getting not only one but three home runs and the only thing he does is smiling back at them with a peace sign.

The cute bastard.

Mark comes out of the room with a wide grin while Jackson and Jaebeom just stare at him with mouths hanging open.

"When did you learn to play like that? You never play when we come here!" Jackson complains.

"It's more fun to watch you," Mark shrugs. "But when you said the winner gets the others to buy him meat for a month I couldn't resist."

"Shit," Jackson and Jaebeom say in unison. "We're fucked."

And they are, Mark has a bottomless stomach and he has no restrain when they have to take him for BBQ after their little game. The oldest enjoy his victory and asks for so much meat the server gives him a second look, as if wondering if the super skinny boy is capable of eating so much. Mark gives the served one big dashing smile, so cute and pretty, that the server can only nod his head in a haze and come back with more side dishes than they normally do, which makes Jackson incredibly jealous and ready to fight.

Jaebeom doesn't realise how amused he is, how relaxed and distracted he is until he's laughing out loud, choking on his meat at Jackson trying to hide Mark's face behind a lettuce leaf when the smitten server comes back to ask if they need anything else.

Mark smiles relieved at Jaebeom and that's the moment he realises his friends have actually taken his mind out of his own worries and heartbreak.

"That's more like our Jaebeomie," Mark comments, making a wrap he offers to him. "Are you feeling any better?"

"Surprisingly, yes," Jaebeom answers. "Thank you."

"No, thank you. You're paying for this," Mark smirks, making Jaebeom chuckle. "I'm sure whatever it is that's troubling you, you'll find the answer. We are here to help if you need a second opinion or just someone to listen to you."

Jaebeom smiles and looks down, knowing their friends are the best and would help him, wouldn't even judge him, but he doesn't know how to explain the situation without sounding crazy. How does Jaebeom explain he fell in love with a boy while he was in coma and now that he's awake, he doesn't remember Jaebeom at all? He himself doesn't understand how that is even possible and a part of him still wonders if he really imagined it all.

"It's... Jinyoung..." Jaebeom mumbles.

"Do I have to kick his ass for real this time?" Jackson immediately asks and Jaebeom cannot help his chuckles.

"No, he doesn't need another reason to be in the hospital," Jaebeom replies which gets confused expressions from his friends. "Jinyoung is... severely depressed, I guess. He has attempted suicide many times." Jaebeom feels a bit guilty for sharing that part of Jinyoung, but as he thinks he knows the younger wouldn't hide it, he isn't embarrassed of the things he does or did, he never hid his suicide tendencies or self destructive thoughts.

"Oh..." Mark mumbles. "Are you scared you won't be enough to help him? That he'll continue to do that even with you by his side?" He asks next.

"Are you afraid you won't be able to stop him or deal with all that?" Jackson adds. "It must be so hard and scary for you. But you know that whatever he does, it'll never be your fault right?"

Jaebeom thinks about that for the first time. He considers for the first time the big weight of Jinyoung's tendencies, of his strong desire to be dead and one day lose him to his own hands. Jaebeom thinks of running to the hospital on a random night because Jinyoung attempted suicide again, feeling like he failed the younger. Or worse, being the one who finds him bleeding out for real this time.

He gets petrified at the thought.

If Jinyoung could remember him and their time together, would Jaebeom be able to deal with living Jinyoung and all his issues? Would Jaebeom be strong enough to hold Jinyoung even when the younger is desperate to just be gone forever?

For the first time Jaebeom considers that maybe Jinyoung doesn't remember him because they aren't mean to be together, because Jaebeom isn't strong enough, brave enough.

Perhaps... perhaps, Jaebeom should stay away.

∞

I know it's been a long time, I was incredibly busy and not inspired at all to eve write an email, let alone a chapter. But I got a cold and decided it was better to write something instead of being sad. 

I hope you enjoyed the chapter and I'll try harder to get the next one soon.

Bel, xx