"Are you still not speaking to your Jinyoung?" Jackson asks one Tuesday afternoon, after more than a week has passed since the last time he saw Jinyoung.

Jaebeom has reached some peace, if anything by just strongly denying everything that is happening and stubbornly focusing on his studies. Whenever Jinyoung comes to his mind, he starts doing something, anything. Editing photos, studying, going for a run, reading, even cooking. Anything just not to think of Jinyoung, not to feel anything.

Even then, when Jackson mentions his name, Jaebeom flinches, his heart aches and longs and his mind whines with all the blocked thoughts he's ignored and refused to deal with.

"Why are you even asking that?" Jaebeom asks, refusing to meet eyes with his best friend.

Mark isn't around, it's just the two of them for once. Jackson invited him to have meat, which now Jaebeom realises it was probably a decoy to get him to do something else, like talking about Jinyoung.

"Well, clearly something happened. You changed immensely, and not for the better. It's like a part of you died and you're just working on sheer stubborn will. Did he cheat on you? If he did I'm gonna beat him up and I swear I'll—"

"No, he didn't do that," Jaebeom laughs at his overprotective friend.

"Then what happened? Why are you like this? I don't wanna be nosy but I'm worried and even if I can't fix things for you, I'm here for you if you need to talk about it. You always bottle everything up and I hate to remind you I'm your friend and you can lean on me, too."

Jaebeom is surprised with Jackson's little outburst and he also feels a bit guilty. He doesn't do it on purpose, he is just used to keep everything inside instead of sharing his worries with his friends. It's why opening up to Jinyoung was such an uncommon thing that not even today he can understand how it happened.

Maybe because Jinyoung isn't really a person.

"I know you are," Jaebeom smiles. "And I'm sorry I make you worry, I just... don't feel comfortable talking about it."

"But it might help you," Jackson insists and Jaebeom appreciates the other's thoughtfulness.

"It's difficult."

"You can try," he insists. "Try me. Then we'll decide if I need to beat his ass or not."

Jaebeom laughs, grabbing a leaf of lettuce to put some meat inside, wrapping it around it to give it to Jackson, just a token of appreciation.

"I guess you weren't so wrong about teasing me with him and I was actually falling in love with him," Jaebeom starts, not making eye contact, hoping that helps him to tell his friend more or less what's going on.

"I knew it!" Jackson chirps, more excited than he should, making Jaebeom chuckle again.

"But Jinyoung was keeping something from me, something way too big to let it slide and continue as if nothing. And then I found out more about it, which has only made it worse. I... felt betrayed and I can't bring myself to forgive him or hate him."

"What does he say about it? Is he sorry? Is he beginning you to forgive him every day?"

"He says he is sorry," Jaebeom begins, making a wrap for himself this time. "But he doesn't insist to fix it. In the spur of my hurt I told him to get lost and I haven't seen him again. I don't know where he is, what he's doing... or if he's gone forever."

His hands shake, because that's the thought he has to block more often. What if Jinyoung is gone forever? What if he never shows up again? It paralyses Jaebeom with fear, more than he's willing to accept because he told the other to disappear, how can he be such a hypocrite to be scared that's exactly what the other young man did?

Apparently, he's such a hypocrite.

"So he's just accepting what you say? Leaving in your hands whether you two fix it or not?" Jackson huffs, more upset than Jaebeom who's doing his best to control himself. "What a coward ass!"

Jaebeom is shocked to see his friend raising his voice, looking clearly angry, fisting the table and looking threatening.

"If he did something wrong, he should be begging for your forgiveness, trying to fix things. It's like he doesn't care if you two broke up!"

"We... we didn't break up," Jaebeom mutters, weakly. His head is distracted with the possibility that Jinyoung maybe doesn't care, that's why he so easily left Jaebeom alone when he asked for it.

That hurts. That hurts very deeply, thinking he was the only one falling in love.

"I'm gonna beat him up so he's really sorry!" Jackson threatens, and that works to snap Jaebeom out of that painful train of thoughts.

"No!" He bursts out. "Don't touch him." His mouth moves faster than his mind, sounding defensive and worried, which makes Jackson raise an eyebrow at him.

"You clearly still care a lot about him. I don't know what he was hiding, but shouldn't you be trying to resolve it instead of pretending it didn't happen?"

"Were you testing me?" Jaebeom asks, surprised that his friend's anger vanished so fast.

"Maybe," Jackson shrugs. "The point is, talking about it is trying to fix it, and healthier than bottling things up. I don't want you to end up in the hospital in shock and with burnt hands again," he continues. Jackson grabs a leaf himself, making a generous wrap as he speaks. "Forgiveness is possible when there's regret and love. Forgiving is a good thing and if you still care about him, maybe it's something you have to do. Just saying," he finishes, holding the wrap in front of Jaebeom's mouth.

The older is surprised with Jackson, the kind smile and encouraging eyes, so he smiles himself before opening his mouth to receive the food.

Jaebeom continues thinking about it, about forgiving Jinyoung, but it's hard not to blame him for almost killing his mother. It didn't happen, but she's still partly paralysed, they still struggle every day. She is working hard, getting better, but she wouldn't need to do any of that had it not been for Jinyoung that night.

How can he forgive him when he sees his mother struggling to move? To do the simple things in life like going to the bathroom or cooking herself a meal?

"Eomma," he asks her when he's massaging her legs that same night. "Do you ever think of the other person in the accident? The boy that caused the driver to hit you?"

"Of course I do," she says and Jaebeom's guts twist, not knowing what to expect. "Such a young boy, in such a horrendous accident. I asked about him. He's still in a coma, the poor child. All alone when he's even younger than you."

"You asked about him?"

"Of course," she continues. "I can't remember the accident, but I asked what happened and if someone else had been hurt. I went to see the boy, feeling so bad for him."

"But he caused the accident!" Jaebeom raises his voice. "Nothing of this would've happened if he hadn't been there."

"Who knows? Maybe something else would've happened. If I was destined to get in an accident, it would've happened any other way."

"But he's the one to blame!" Jaebeom insists, getting riled up even if he doesn't know why.

His mother smiles, sympathetic and comforting, which doesn't make sense to him. Why isn't she resentful like he is? Why isn't she frustrated like he is? She's the one who's suffering the most.

"Is he?" She asks, grabbing one of his hands. "Isn't he much of a victim as any of us?"

"No! He was irresponsible and he—"

"It was an accident," she cuts him in his rant. "He didn't mean to cause any of this, he didn't want to hurt anyone and he's the one who's still in a coma. For what I heard, he received the worst part and they almost lost him many times. It's a miracle he survived the surgeries."

Jaebeom can barely breathe when he thinks of that. For the first time he really sees Jinyoung as the boy being hit by the car, flying in the air. The young boy he fell in love with, in that horrific accident. And as he imagines that, Jinyoung bleeding on the floor, dying, he feels about to cry, needing to scream in horror.

"It was an accident, there's no one to blame," his mother speaks. "Don't hold any resentment towards someone who didn't mean this, someone who's still suffering."

Jaebeom cannot hold his tears any longer, they start falling because he's ashamed of himself and impressed his mother can be so forgiving, so understanding. She really didn't deserve what happened to her, and it's still so hard to let go of the resentment he's been harbouring since the accident.

But to that now he adds the overwhelming anguish that comes from realising it wasn't just his mother in the accident, it was also Jinyoung. Someone else that he deeply cares about almost died there.

Apprehension is suffocating, he's worried Jinyoung is gone, that he lost him. There's this desperate urge to see him, to make sure the younger is still somewhat alive, that he didn't lose him in that accident.

"My boy," his mother speak. "It's no one's fault, that's how life is. Don't blame a boy who's still fighting between life and death. Forgive him and let go of that grudge in your heart, it's only hurting you."

Jaebeom cries more, because she's right. It's hurting him so much, trying to hate Jinyoung, blaming him for what happened to his mother. That hurts him so deep as picturing Jinyoung's face in the accident, as thinking Jinyoung might actually let himself die and he won't be able to see him again.

Jaebeom thinks of never seeing Jinyoung again and he cries more.

Jaebeom thinks of finding out Jinyoung died and he breaks, needing his mother to hold him as he cries.

Jaebeom thinks he might never feel Jinyoung in his arms again, the warmth, the sense of comfort and the soothing understanding, and he cannot breathe.

"It's okay, just let it go," his mother comforts him, patting his back as he cries, overcome with his fears and his own guilt.

Jaebeom lets go of some of the resentment, some of the anger but in its place comes fear, so much fear.

What if it's too late? What if Jinyoung is gone? Will Jaebeom be able to deal with the guilt of being the one who pushed the younger away?

He can only hope it's not too late.

∞

I hope you felt Jaebeom's fear and angst in this chapter. See you all next week! 

Bel, xx