Jaebeom is cleared up the next day, his burnt hands will continue to bother him for a few more days, but overall he's fine which is a relief for his mother and friends. And although his body is technically fine, emotionally he's still a wreck, he's still barely coping with everything. He tries to sort out his feelings, but they are as erratic as his thoughts and he just ends up feeling lost. He wishes he could talk to someone and that that person could give him an answer, would tell him what to do but he's afraid that were he to tell someone what's going on, he would end up locked up in a hospital or something.

It would be easier to set on forgetting all about Jinyoung, but the possibility his mother is awake now thanks to the younger weights too much on him to just leave everything behind. And even if he wants, he cannot just erase his feelings as if it was just a worn garment. Jaebeom starts to wonder if confirming Jinyoung's involvement with his mother's state would help in any way to sort out his feelings.

That is how, after a few days, when his hands are better and he cannot deal more with his own thoughts, he goes to the hospital. He knows he told the younger to never show up in front of him again, but he probably still has to come out, even if it's away from Jaebeom. The older assumes that if he were to find Jinyoung somewhere, then it would be at the hospital rooftop.

Bundled up in too many layers, Jaebeom takes his time to head to the hospital rooftop, feeling like there's a hole in his guts and there's no way to make it better. He feels sick, anxious, scared and yet still somewhat hopeful. It seems there's a part of him that hopes Jinyoung helped his mother, giving him an excuse to forgive him and leave all the painful accident behind. But even if a part of him hopes for that, it's just not that easy.

When Jaebeom finally makes it to the rooftop, the biting cold hurts more than normal. Since that day after the argument with Jinyoung he's become weaker to the lower temperatures. It's like his body cannot warm up, no matter how high the heating is or how many layers he wears, he's just cold to the bone, even his soul, as dramatic as that sounds.

The rooftop is empty, luckily it is void of snow as the latest snowfall was the day before and they had time to clean the area. It doesn't seem like Jaebeom could let himself be buried in snow there again. Walking slowly, dragging his legs as if they were heavy with dread, he approaches the rail. His hands wrap around the cold iron bar and they burn again, the burns from before aren't completely healed and his skin is more sensitive, but he doesn't cover them in gloves, welcoming the pain as a pathetic masochist that needs to feel something, anything at all, that's outside the chaos of his mind.

Leaning a bit forward, Jaebeom watches the street bellow, the few peoples walking quickly to find shelter somewhere, and the cars and buses, unbothered with the lower temperatures, just going as usual. Seoul streets are always busy no matter the season. It gives Jaebeom a sense of normalcy, which is much appreciated when he feels so unsettled.

The young man heaves a tired sigh, his whole body feels so heavy and he really needs a break, take off some of the weight on his shoulders, just so he can breathe.

"Jinyoung," he mumbles.

There's longing in his voice, because whenever he felt like that before, when the situation with his mother was becoming too much, Jinyoung was always there to hold him. When the pressure broke him, Jinyoung was there to help him put the pieces together. Now he's feeling at the edge of the cliff, and there's no Jinyoung to help, quite the contrary, it is the younger pushing him into the abyss. And his mind supplies that if it weren't for Jinyoung, he would have never gone through all that anguish.

Jaebeom just can't think of Jinyoung without feeling torn in two anymore.

"I thought you were dependant of me... but it seems I became as dependant of you," he mumbles to himself, shaking his head immediately after for talking out loud. He does not need to feel crazier than he already does.

The young man takes another deep breath, which doesn't feel any comforting at all, but it works to give him some courage.

"Jinyoung, if you're around, we need to talk," he speaks out, loud and clear, fighting the feeling of looking like a crazy idiot. "I don't know if you can hear me, but... I don't even know. Where do I find you if I need to?"

It's always been serendipity, or Jinyoung looking for him. Jaebeom has no clue where to go look for Jinyoung. The thought of going to where Jinyoung's body is crosses his mind, but he knows the younger's soul will not be around. Based on what Jinyoung said, he's not going near there as it's a very difficult situation for him.

His hand start hurting so he retrieves them to himself, sheltering them in sweater paws while he waits... and waits. Jinyoung doesn't show up even if Jaebeom tries to call him again. He's ready to give up, accepting he won't be able to talk to Jinyoung on that day, but he waits a bit more. It's by the time he's shivering, his teeth clattering that he accepts it's time to go home unless he wants to spend the night in the hospital again.

Jaebeom turns around, feeling defeated and more depressed that when he came, a part of him harboured a desire to see Jinyoung again, the same part that constantly misses spending time with the younger, that craves his company. It's when he's walking towards the door that he sees Jinyoung there, standing in the middle of the rooftop. He looks a bit younger, shaggy short hair, exposing his forehead, with round glasses that make harder to see his eyes with the light of the bright sun reflecting on them. His clothes are light, too thin for the weather and they dance around his slim body with the wind bowing at such height. He looks so fragile, as if he were about to be blown away, or as if he wasn't really there. Jaebeom's heart clenches at the sight, leaping and beating faster just because he's seeing Jinyoung again, even if the younger looks about to disappear.

"Hyung..." Jinyoung mumbles, his voice broken and so full of longing Jaebeom feels his own heart aching, screaming inside him to reach out for the younger. To comfort him, to comfort himself like they did before. His body aches wanting to go to Jinyoung, pull him in a hug to make sure he's real, to shelter him from the cold weather, to feel warm again.

Jaebeom doesn't move.

"How long have you been standing there?" Jaebeom asks, clenching his hands to pull himself together. The longing in his heart cannot be stronger than the rest of his feelings.

"A while," Jinyoung answers. "I wasn't sure if I was aloud to approach you... but I couldn't walk away when you were right in front of him."

"So you didn't hear me call you?" The older asks because it sounds like that's the case.

"You called me?" The younger seems surprised, hopeful. His eyes widen, his body perks and it seems like he'll take a step closer.

"Yes," Jaebeom answers and looks away, not wanting to see Jinyoung looking more alive, as if the fact he was looking for him gave him some life again. He's also doing his best not to unwrap his own scarf and wrap it around Jinyoung who isn't wearing more than some light trousers and a shirt when it's probably minus five degrees out there.

"You said... to never show up again. Why?" Jinyoung asks and Jaebeom purposely ignores the hope in the younger's voice, but he cannot ignore the fear he can also hear in those words.

"Eomma said something and I need to confirm it."

"Why?" Jinyoung asks, which surprises Jaebeom because he's not asking what his mother said.

"Because I'm hoping that will help me figure out how to feel about you, and how to move on," Jaebeom replies.

Jaebeom looks at Jinyoung again and can easily see how the younger stands straighter and raises a wall to protect himself, preparing for something that will be difficult for him. It's as if he's getting ready to be hurt.

Jaebeom doesn't know how to take that.

"Eom..." The older has to clear his throat, his voice hoarser than he expected. "Eomma said before she woke up she remembered someone calling her. And I remember dreaming you saved my mother the night before she woke up. I keep thinking that maybe... maybe it was you who called her and made her wake up and I need to know if that's true."

Jinyoung takes his time, watching Jaebeom as if reassuring him, trying to seize how much the older is able to take.

"It wasn't easy," Jinyoung said. "To find her and to make her listen to me. It's not like every person in a coma is in the same state or limbo. I've never met another like me in these months. It was the night I was closer to die, or it felt like that, and I know that was a conscious thing I did. When I came out again it was in front of my room and the doctors were just sighing relieved that they had managed to make my heart beat again."

Jaebeom holds his breath, he is frozen in the spot, not knowing how to take that. Knowing Jinyoung was about to die for real because he was trying to get to his mother twist his guts. The feeling attacks him and makes him feel guilty.

"I didn't ask what it cost you, I just asked if you made my mother wake up," Jaebeom snaps, not because he wants to hurt Jinyoung further, but because he cannot controls his own emotions and he feels like a wire cut open, sizzling, ready to make anything explode.

Jinyoung steps back, flinching as if he had been slapped across the face. He looks hurt again, and at the same time accepting of the pain, which makes Jaebeom feel guilty and infuriated at the same time.

"I did," Jinyoung answers. "I called her, I told her to wake up. I pushed her."

"Why?" The older asks now. "Because you were guilty?" He doesn't want to sound as bitter as he does, but he cannot help himself.

"I did it for you," Jinyoung answers. "You were crying, you were so afraid you'd lose her." Jaebeom bites his lips together, refusing to acknowledge the way his heart aches at the words. "I didn't know then I had caused her accident."

Jaebeom shuts his eyes close, tightly, his hands shake from how tight he's clenching them, his heart is beating wildly and his mind is racing with so many thoughts he cannot articulate in order to understand.

He hasn't finished processing what Jinyoung has just confirmed when the younger speaks again.

"Don't worry, I will never wake myself up like that. Now I know I don't deserve it."

Jaebeom's head snaps, startled, angry and scared at the same time, he glares at Jinyoung and takes a few steps, finally able to see into the younger's eyes without the reflection on the glasses to bother him. He can appreciate the bloodshot and teary eyes of the younger, the evident anguish in his expression.

"No," Jaebeom states, cold and severe, taking another step closer. Jinyoung doesn't move, he just hold the older's stare. "You should wake up, because that's exactly what you don't want. If you want to repent for what you did, you have to wake up."

Jinyoung tenses, visibly rejecting the idea, looking torn at such command. Jaebeom tries not to think how he would feel if Jinyoung wakes up, how that would change things. He just has a thought in mind: Jinyoung cannot stay in coma forever, and he cannot die yet. Whether that's punishment to the younger or his own selfish desire not to completely lose Jinyoung, he has no idea.

Jinyoung, on the other hand, seems like he cannot make his mind yet, and he just disappears in front of Jaebeom. As quickly as a blink, one moment there, the next completely gone as if he was never there. It gives the older a headache.

One thing is for sure: it didn't help him to sort out how to feel yet.

∞

Sorry for the delayed update! I got caught in work and other stuff and just didn't have time to open my laptop and post the chapter even if it was ready long ago.

Bel, xx