Hours later, Jaebeom is still at the rooftop. His hands have taken a bluish colour and he can't feel them, he can barely move them, so cold, oh so cold. But that's nothing compared with the pain freezing his heart and soul, bringing a more ruthless winter that only attacks Jaebeom, with a strength that makes him cry for mercy, to end it all.

The young man has no idea what hurts more, he can't even figure out the entirety of his feelings, there's just so much. From dread to realise he was falling in love with the one person who caused his mother's accident, the person who almost cost him the person he loves the most. Regret that he became friends with Jinyoung, feeling like he betrayed his mother. Fear that all this is real and not a horrible nightmare. And so much more, it's like he's drowning and he cannot even see the surface, it's all black around him and he just can't breathe.

A nurse finds him when it's dark, the night sky as black as the torrent of emotions consuming him. The woman screams when she finds Jaebeom, kneeling in the snow, so still as if he was frozen in that place. The man doesn't react no matter how loud the woman shouts, she has to actually drag him out of the rooftop and call for help to save him from hypothermia. Jaebeom isn't aware of what's happening, but he isn't unconscious yet. Even if his body has been exposed to the cold, soaked wet from the melted snow under him, his mind can't give up and keeps torturing him. He spends the night at the hospital, but he's never asleep, he's just in agony. Constant agony, feeling lost and desperate.

Only one voice can bring him back from the shock trance, and that's his mother when she comes in the morning to the hospital.

"Im Jaebeom!" She screams and that works, only when the voice bounces in the walls of the room he was put, louder, stronger and cleared since she woke up from the coma, Jaebeom can actually see what's in front of him.

Finally, he feels the cold that still lingers to his bones. Finally he feels the pain of his burnt hands. Finally he feels the heartache, stronger than anything else. And he sees his mother, struggling to make her way to him, her face painted with worry and fear.

Jaebeom starts crying again, just at the sight of his mother. The guilt and the horror of finding out the truth choking him, and it's even worse because he knows he can't tell her anything.

"Eomma," he whispers, cracked and barely audible, his tone stained with so much sorrow.

"My boy... my boy..." she cries, finally getting to his side, grabbing one of his bandaged hands and squeezing it tight. It hurts so much, but Jaebeom doesn't mind... he even feels like he deserves that pain. "Why are you here?"

No clue. Jaebeom has no clue how to explain how he ended up staying hours in the snow, first crying and then just in shock.

Instead, he just apologises. "I'm sorry... I'm sorry."

For staying in the snow and almost losing his hands?

For being reckless?

Or for befriending Jinyoung?

Jaebeom himself doesn't know exactly what he's apologising for, he just feels so sorry towards his mother.

"How did you end up like this? What happened?"

"I'm sorry," he continues answering to all her questions, no matter how she poses them, Jaebeom can only say he's sorry.

Ultimately, his mothers gives up and just comforts him. With her there, the staff move him to a private room that to his horror is on the same floor as Jinyoung's is. He can barely breathe when he realises that, but he cannot explain what's wrong.

It is ironic, Jaebeom realises later during the day. He's the one in a hospital bed while his mother sits by his side, trying her best to talk to him even when Jaebeom isn't really responsive. She understands he's not ready to talk so she grants him the time he needs to put himself together. But Jaebeom can't do that, he tries not to think about it. He forces himself to block any thought related to Jinyoung, although it proves so hard when even looking at his mother is now a reminder of the boy who came in his life to cause havoc.

It's crazy, ironic and so unfair. Jinyoung came into his life with a scare, frustration and confusion but he also came with acceptance, an open mind and comfort. He put Jaebeom's pieces together, mended his worried and worn heart and consoled him until Jaebeom felt himself again. But then he tore everything apart, mercilessly, and abandoning him in the remains of his heart.

"How are you feeling?" His mother asks at the end of the day. His friends have come to see him but he's refused to see anyone. The doctor says he's fine, the burns in his hands will heal with time and if he's constant with the ointment there shouldn't be any scars. He can leave the next day but mostly because he still looks emotionally unstable, his body, thankfully, is in far better condition for what he put it through. "Are you hungry?"

Jaebeom only shakes his head. He hasn't taken a bite in the whole day, so they keep the IV to make sure he's having the nutrients he needs

"You have to eat, adeul. I know something happened and you can tell me when you're ready, but for now you have to eat and get strong. Whatever it is, you can't give up on yourself like this," his mother speaks.

The young man looks away, trying not to feel so choked up with the weight on the emotions in his chest. It'd feel so good to talk to someone about it, but how is he supposed to explain what Jinyoung is? What's his proof? He doesn't fully understand how it's even possible, not able to fully grasp that there's a whole grey area between life and death he never imagined it could exist. The only person he could talk about that is the same person who caused the problem to begin with.

"Life and death—" Jaebeom begins, heaving an exhausted sigh. "—is more complex than I imagined."

His statement confuses his mother momentarily, but as the perceptive and understanding woman she is, she realises he needs to speak about it, even if he's not talking about the issue itself.

"Of course it is more complex," she begins, her tone sympathetic and soft, still warm and soothing. Jaebeom turns to meet her eyes, watching her with respect, expecting some knowledge that can only come from age and life experience. "Everything in life is more complex than what we imagined." Her smile is so fond as she grabs his hand and pats it comfortingly. "I never imagined having a child would bring me so many worries, so many fears but also so many wonders and happiness. I never imagined that being an adult and growing up be so hard, but so rewarding at the same time. It seems to me we always underestimate a situation until we live it ourselves, either for good or bad, it never fully meets our expectations."

Jaebeom can't argue that, realising there's so much more to anything, and that is part of growing up, he guesses.

"And obviously there's more than to live and to die. There's a whole spectrum that's beyond our understanding," she continues. "When I was in a coma I know I wasn't exactly here with the living or in my body, but I wasn't completely gone."

"You remember?" He asks, never even thinking of the possibility before.

"Not exactly, but there's this feeling I can recall from that time. I can't say those months don't exist or that I didn't feel them, it feels like they passed me by while I was just waiting," she tries to explain as best as she can, with her own speed and stumbling over some words, but getting the message across. "I guess it's like being trapped in limbo."

"Did you want to wake up?" He asks, trying not to remember how he talked about something like that before with Jinyoung.

"I can't say I wanted or that I didn't, I was just... there. But I remember being called, like someone screaming at me to wake up and dragging me."

"Someone?" Jaebeom asks and his mother shrugs.

"It's a feeling, adeul. I don't know if it was a dream, but that's the last thing in my memory before waking up: someone screaming at me to wake up." She moves her hand, slowly until she's patting his head, softly stroking his hair. "I don't know if it was a dream or something else, I don't know if I was somewhere, if my soul left my body while I was in a coma or something else, I'm just happy it happened and I'm here again with you. And if I came back from that place, then you have to be strong because of one thing I'm sure: I came back for you, I couldn't and wouldn't leave you alone."

Although infinitely grateful, Jaebeom gets distracted, thinking of that dream he had before his mother woke up. In the dream it was Jinyoung rescuing his mother, desperately calling for her, telling her Jaebeom was waiting for her.

In that moment, Jaebeom thinks what if... what if Jinyoung, as a soul trapped in a limbo called for his mother? What if it was Jinyoung who helped his mother to wake up from the coma?

The air gets stuck in his throat as he thinks about it, as he considers the option for the first time and it only makes him feel more torn. How is he supposed to feel if Jinyoung is the cause his mother ended up in a coma but also the reason why she woke up?

Thinking about that is suddenly too much and Jaebeom isn't ready for that, so he pushes the thought to the farthest corner and instead focuses on his mother next to him.

"I'm grateful you woke up, regardless of how it happened. I'm glad you didn't leave me," he tells her, leaning in her touch.

"If you're grateful, will you have some food? For me?" She asks, her eyes so sweet and he chuckles, the liveliest sound he's done the whole day, which makes his mother smile so widely.

"Yes, I will," he concedes and can see how her eyes light up.

Jaebeom watches as she calls for a nurse to see if they can help them. It's still hard for her to move around to get him food and luckily the nurse that comes is one of the ones that are familiar with them so she gladly goes to get him something to eat, even if it's past dinnertime.

As he eats his food, he tries not to think of the possibility, not to think of Jinyoung but it gets harder and harder because every time the thought sneaks in his mind, it makes more and more sense. The actual possibility grows stronger, and it becomes suffocating.

He spends another restless night due to Jinyoung and by the time he's cleared up the next day he still has no clue how to feel, what to do, and to make it worse, now he has burnt hands to deal with.

∞

My apologies for not updating yesterday, I was busy till late. I hope you still liked the chapter, though.

Bel, xx