As time passes by, Jaebeom settles even more in his routine. Studying, preparing his final project, helping his mother, meeting Jinyoung at the rooftop of his building. He often teases Jinyoung that by this point the people around must think he actually lives in the building with how comfortably he comes in and out every day.

"I assure you, they barely notice me," Jinyoung replies, bundled up in blankets next to Jaebeom at the rooftop, shielding themselves from the biting cold of December in Seoul.

Jaebeom isn't heartless and he actually asks his friend to go inside if he pleases, every time. Yet Jinyoung declines time and time again, refusing at the same time meeting his mother, or any of his friends when Jaebeom suggests it.

His friends, however, keep pestering him to meet the famous Jinyoung, urging him to be more persuasive or just trick the younger to come somewhere where they accidentally will meet.

"Foolproof plan," Jackson states, Mark only smiles, Jaebeom thinks about it before he shakes his head. He knows Jinyoung wouldn't appreciate something like that, and he's too clever not to realise it was a plan. Moreover, Jackson isn't subtle.

In addition, Jinyoung doesn't seem fond of the idea of sharing his time with anyone but Jaebeom. Once the older actually asked if he didn't even want to make other friends, vouching for his, saying they were nice and would never do anything to make him uncomfortable. At least not on purpose.

"I don't need any more friends. I have you and that's more than enough for me," Jinyoung replied when Jaebeom commented on the fact.

Along with a very unbecoming blush he did his best to hide, Jaebeom struggled with a racing heart and a stomach tied in knot.

"Anyone that heard you saying that would say you're dependent of me," the older tried to pass it as a joke.

"Is there a problem with that? Does it bother you?"

As if the statement on its own didn't make Jaebeom's heart race even more, the look in the younger's eyes and the tone of his voice was enough to leave the older speechless. All he could do was shaking his head and trying to swallow the lump in his throat.

Jaebeom might be dense, but he's not that bad as not to realise just friends don't react in the way he does, they don't feel as possessive as he does when it comes to Jinyoung, or as protective, or as flustered for tiny things. Just friends don't crave so much seeing the other, or any sort of contact. His feelings for Jinyoung aren't the same kind as his feelings for Jackson and Mark, for instance. Or for his younger cousin Youngjae. What he feels for Jinyoung is something he's never experienced before and it's both terrifying and worrisome.

He questioned his own sexuality long ago, when Jackson realised he was more attracted to men than women, but that overall he cared more about the person instead of their sex or whatever. As his closest friend discovered what being pansexual meant, Jaebeom obviously questioned himself and tried to see if there was a more suitable label for him than heterosexual. With Jackson he went learning so many other divisions and realising there wasn't just homosexual and heterosexual, there's a whole colourful spectrum in the queer world.

He realised long ago heterosexual felt too restraining and it didn't fit him, but he never got a label. He did relate when Jackson said sexual attraction was just chemical so it was in the brain, while love was in the heart and soul and for that, gender or sex didn't matter.

Jaebeom has never being in love or liked someone enough to actually pursue a relationship. He dated a few girls that confessed to him in high school, but after a week or less he broke up with them. He dated a guy on his first year of university and it went well, but his feelings never grew and when the guy realised he broke up with him, saying love had to be mutual.

Jaebeom started to consider maybe he was closer to the spectrum of aromantic but didn't think much about it, saying time would give him the answer eventually. One day he'd find someone who actually awoke feelings in him, whether a man or a woman, it didn't matter to him. He has never applied a label to himself, it didn't seem important to him, he just was himself. Moreover, when Jackson started dating Mark and his mother found out, she did her best to understand and after a while told Jaebeom:

"If you find one day someone who loves you like Mark and Jackson love each other, I don't care if it's a man or a woman. I'll be happy knowing you're being loved. I'm okay if you want to adopt to give me grandchildren, though."

Jaebeom felt so proud and moved that day, especially because he knew his mother meant it from the bottom of her heart.

So now, as he starts to realise his own feelings for Jinyoung, figuring out they are more in the spectrum of romance, he doesn't panic nor does he have an existential crisis, his only worry is whether he's getting confused or not, and if Jinyoung feels the same way.

His friends say it's most likely his feelings are reciprocated, but Jaebeom is a bit scared to be hopeful, and most of the time Jinyoung makes him too flustered to actually gather the courage to ask anything about it.

Jackson has a dream about it, when Jaebeom finally confesses and starts dating Jinyoung and they can go on double dates.

Jaebeom blushes too much to even make a comment about it.

As much as the idea of dating makes his heart racing, he feels there's so much about Jinyoung he doesn't know. The younger is vague and doesn't like talking about himself too much, he's always asking about Jaebeom's day, Jaebeom's worries, Jaebeom's dreams... only about Jaebeom.

Obviously, he's tried asking but Jinyoung rarely gives a clear answer and it's always up to Jaebeom to interpret what the younger meant.

Regardless of all that, Jinyoung is a constant present in his mind when he's not busy thinking of something else. That's how the few times he goes to the hospital to pick up his mother, he always stops by the rooftop, wondering if Jinyoung stills goes there without him. Probably, Jaebeom thinks, after all Jinyoung already visited the rooftop before they met.

One day he's arrived earlier than expected to the hospital to pick his mother, she still has another half hour to go before she finishes her therapy session. She's doing wonderfully and Jaebeom doesn't want to interrupt, so he ends up going to the rooftop.

Mid December; it's a cold, cold day in Seoul. 2017 has proved to be colder than the year before, covering the city in white snow that doesn't seem willing to melt even when the sun is shining so bright. The rooftops instead of being bright green are of a blinding white that actually hurts one's eyes.

It's cold so Jaebeom is wrapped in warm layers, with a long padded coat, beanie and a scarf. Since he's always wrapping his scarfs around Jinyoung, and losing them like that, he's had to buy more. He doesn't mind, but he wonders why Jinyoung never wears one of the scarfs Jaebeom's given him.

With hands deep shoved in the pockets to keep them warm, Jaebeom takes the lift to the top floor and then the stairs to the emergency room to the rooftop.

The moment he opens the doors he's slapped with the cold air at such height. It makes his eyes tear up as he tries to hide inside his scarf. The change from a very warm place to a very cold outside is always painful and it takes a few seconds for Jaebeom to acclimate. Like a turtle he pokes his head out of the cocoon on his scarf to appreciate the wintery view. It snowed the night before again, so everything looks brighter than normal, the snow like a mirror for the bright sun of that afternoon.

Jaebeom smiles at the view, finding it as inspiring as usual, taking his mind away from how cold it is.

He steps forward, smiling and taking a deep breath. The air feels clean and fresh, although a tad bit dry. It burns his nostrils and it makes his lips feel like they are more chapped than usual, yet he still loves it

Jaebeom is so mesmerised in the view that he doesn't notice he's not alone on the hospital's rooftop.

His heart leaps when he notices the presence of someone else, but then it sinks when he realises that no, it's not Jinyoung. The other person is a young boy, slim and lanky, like a typical teenager that's still growing, someone who's still uncomfortable in his own body. The poor creature looks so fragile by the rail, staring at the whole horizon but looking like he could be blown away any moment.

Jaebeom feels disappointed it's not Jinyoung, yet he still feels somehow pulled to this young student. Maybe it's because he looks so hopeless, just in his uniform when it's so cold; or maybe because he looks so alone there.

Maybe he's like Jinyoung... alone, hoping to end his life, Jaebeom thinks, taking a few steps closer to the student.

As he gets closer, Jaebeom realises the kid is shaking. It could be the cold, but the tremors look more like of someone who's crying, which sets off alarms in Jaebeom's head.

"Haksaeng," Jaebeom calls softly for the student, hoping he won't startle him and cause the kid to trip and fall, or any other sort of tragedy. "Are you okay?" He asks next. There could be plenty of reasons for someone to be crying at a hospital, but because they are at the edge of the building rooftop, Jaebeom is more careful.

The student freezes, it's like he's holding his breath, hands clenching the rail.

"I understand if you need to be left alone, I don't know what happened, but if you need someone, I could help... maybe," Jaebeom adds, hoping he's not making the situation worse.

"Hyung," the students murmurs, a voice that's shaky and clearly not deep enough for a teenage boy.

Jaebeom waits, the student seems to be debating on what to do, until slowly, he starts to turn around. Jaebeom takes a deep breath, at least it doesn't look like he's going to have a panic attack or any sort of breakdown.

His relief fades away as easily when the student turns around, because that's a face Jaebeom is familiar with. Although younger, awkward, with tear stained cheeks, that's a face Jaebeom recognises.

That's Jinyoung.

An incredibly younger version of Jinyoung, right in front of him.

"You weren't supposed to see me like this," the student... no, not the student but Jinyoung says.

Jaebeom is confused, so utterly confused because he knows the boy in front of him is the Jinyoung he knows, but he looks so different. The kid across from him looks barely fourteen, maybe even younger. His uniform looks like a middle schooler. But that's Jinyoung, his eyes, his ears, his lips.

It makes no sense.

"See you how? Like a student? Cosplaying as a student?" Jaebeom doesn't know why he's angry, why he's raising his voice. He just knows he doesn't understand what's going on and he needs an explanation.

"When I was one," Jinyoung replies, looking down, looking even more fragile. His eyes fill with tears that immediately start dropping like raindrops.

"What do you even mean?!" Jaebeom screams, feeling his chest tightening up, his mind frozen in a state of deep confusion, and a bitter taste in his mouth that doesn't go away even if he swallows the spit filling his mouth.

He feels dread, he is scared, he is confused but overall, he feels... betrayed and he doesn't even know why.

"I guess I couldn't keep the truth hidden forever," Jinyoung sighs, wiping his tears with his sleeve. "Sooner or later you'd find out." Jinyoung looks up, seeming so utterly sad it breaks Jaebeom's heart to the point he almost forgets what's going on just in his dire need to comfort Jinyoung.

He shakes his head, trying to clear his thoughts and prioritise things, demand for an explanation as Jinyoung steps back, away from him.

"Could you please stop talking in riddles and just—"

Jaebeom doesn't get to finish his sentence when he sees Jinyoung leaning back, and faster than he can register what's happening, Jinyoung is falling over the rail and down the thirteen storey building.

∞

well... that happened. Just so you know, comments always work to make me update before the set date ;)

Bel, xx