Jinyoung's hand sticks out, waiting for Jaebeom to take it. He continues just watching the younger from the floor, his heart hammering with relief and surprise. Honestly, his whole body feels made of gelatine in that moment, so grateful Jinyoung is there, alive and smiling at him. Oddly, he feels like he can properly breathe now that he's seeing him, his whole chest expanding just to give his heart more room to beat freely, louder and stronger.

The only time Jaebeom has felt this relieved was when the doctor told him his mother had survived the surgery and later when she woke up. It's understandable, his mother is basically the most important person for him, which makes it so odd that he feels so strongly when it comes to Jinyoung. They barely know each other, their friendship is tentative, just blossoming at best. It would be sensible to feel like that if it was about Jackson or Mark, or Youngjae, but Jaebeom thinks even if he didn't hear from them in months he wouldn't be that worried or that relieved if they showed up.

Perhaps, Jaebeom tells himself, it's because he thought Jinyoung had killed himself. He'd never think that of any of his other friends. Maybe that's why he feels so relieved to see the younger again, alive.

Happy.

Jaebeom is just so happy to see Jinyoung, so he takes the hand the other boy is offering and allows Jinyoung to help him back on his feet. Using the momentum of the lift Jaebeom pulls Jinyoung to him, wrapping his arms around his slim frame, hugging him tight. The younger man is evidently surprised and tenses in his arms, not quite sure of what to do. Jaebeom, on the other hand, just squeezes Jinyoung as if trying to make sure he's really there, breathing deeply and willing his heart to calm down, his friend didn't kill himself, he didn't disappear without saying a word.

"I'm so glad to see you again," Jaebeom mutters, holding him a bit tighter, burying his face in Jinyoung's shoulder, breathing in and associating the soft scent as Jinyoung's.

His friend finally seems to relax and hugs him back, his own arms wrapping around Jaebeom, patting his back in a comforting gesture.

"It looks like you actually missed me," Jinyoung comments, sounding amused.

"I missed you," Jaebeom breathes out and he can feel how Jinyoung tenses once again. "I thought you had killed yourself. I had no idea how or where to find you. I was so worried."

This time Jinyoung pulls back, needing to look into Jaebeom's eyes to believe his words and confirm his honesty. Jaebeom knows he looks anxious and a bit on edge, he honestly looks like someone who's been worried for a long time. However, this is how Jinyoung knows Jaebeom: anxious, nervous and worried.

"I told you I was going to be fine..." Jinyoung whispers and Jaebeom is shaking his head already.

He keeps Jinyoung at arm length, his hands on the other's biceps, with a firm hold. His eyes are intense and a bit desperate, making Jinyoung not only surprised but probably also uncomfortable.

"You didn't look fine and I felt guilty the whole time, imagining the worst case scenario. The worst part was realising I would never know if something happened to you, and I'd have to live with that worry the rest of my life," his voice sounds higher the more he speaks, his fingers burying deeper in Jinyoung's arms, but the younger doesn't complain.

"Don't be dramatic, you would've completely forgotten about me after a while."

Jaebeom feels offended Jinyoung says that, and his face reflects that emotion. Jinyoung has made an impact in his life, somehow he got under his skin and became precious to him. How dare he say such thing?

"Can you stop saying stupid things and just promise me you'll never leave without telling me first? At least to put me at ease?" Jaebeom asks, a tad bit fed up already and just needing that reassurance. "Have some sympathy. I keep having nightmares of you jumping and me being too late."

Jinyoung doesn't reply, he continues staring at Jaebeom as if he were trying to put all the puzzle pieces together but the big picture is too abstract, all the colours too similar and the pieces too small for him to make progress.

"I..." Jinyoung opens his mouth, but he doesn't say more, just staring at Jaebeom. "I'm sorry, I didn't... I didn't think you'd be worried."

"Are you kidding me? I worried even when I didn't want to worry about you," Jaebeom reminds him, clearly meaning all those times he rushed to 'save' him when he thought Jinyoung wanted to kill himself. "I kept waiting for you all these days at the hospital rooftop, just hoping to see you and make sure you were alive."

"You were?"

"Do you really not believe me? Is it so hard for you to accept I was worried?" Jaebeom starts to see a different problem. He can see that it's not that Jinyoung is laughing or that he underestimated him, or anything like that. The issue here is that Jinyoung never expected Jaebeom to honestly care about him to the point of worrying.

Jinyoung nods, confirming Jaebeom's realisation.

"It's not the first time I hide like this, from everything and everyone. But it's the first time someone actually worries," Jinyoung explains, his expression showing a vulnerability that tugs at Jaebeom's heartstrings. "You know I've had my quota of suicide attempts, and my parents have always thought it was a cry for attention and they don't even care anymore, just taking me to the hospital if necessary. Giving up on me already. No one thinks it's because I truly don't want to live."

It's so conflictive to hear Jinyoung speaking like that. Assuming the boy has ended up in the hospital before and confirming it are two very different things. Hearing that Jinyoung's family don't even care about the boy anymore... all that breaks his heart and it makes him want to pull the younger for another tight hug. Instead, his hands only hold him tighter, his arms shaking a bit.

"I've got to know you aren't a shallow person," Jaebeom says softly, feeling uncomfortable at the thought he's comforting a suicidal person, scared to encourage him along the way. "I can tell it's not for attention."

Jinyoung laughs, void of humour and more pained than Jaebeom would ever want to hear.

"Maybe I do want attention, how can you tell?" The younger ponders, cynical.

"It's not attention, it's recognition. You want acceptance and having people worry about you is like showing they accept you," Jaebeom explains and watches how Jinyoung's eyes fill with tears, proof that Jaebeom hit the spot. "I'm sorry it's like that, Jinyoungie..." he adds in a whisper, his tone incredibly endearing.

Jinyoung's features quiver, his bottom lip trembling and his eyes are so glassy. He takes a deep breath and the first tear drops, and at the sight Jaebeom's heart breaks for the other boy. Without thinking about it, he pulls Jinyoung against his chest again and offers him comfort like the younger did before when he needed it.

Jinyoung needs to be held, and Jaebeom is there for him.

"You're the first person to actually worry about me... to look scared I would never come back," Jinyoung whispers, his face still hidden in Jaebeom's neck, fisting his clothes and slightly trembling. "No one has ever been afraid to lose me. I've never felt... wanted here."

"It's okay," Jaebeom whispers, knowing it's not but not having any other words of comfort. "I'm here now, Jinyoungie."

"Why do I only get to know you now?" Jinyoung wonders, putting so much emphasis on the last word.

Jaebeom thinks about it, imagining meeting Jinyoung before and wondering how his presence in the younger's life would've affected his actions. How would've Jaebeom changed Jinyoung's life if they had met before? And vice versa?

"Maybe because we needed to meet each other now?" Jaebeom suggests, accepting he also needed to meet Jinyoung because the younger has been the most important factor to endure his mother's situation. Being a distraction or just holding him while he cried, giving him a different perspective and just listening.

Jinyoung pulls back to meet his eyes, staying close but with enough distance to lock gazes. Jaebeom tries to smile as comfortingly as he can, rubbing Jinyoung's arms to keep the other warm. The night is cold, the wind chilly and biting, it pulls the younger's dark hair in every direction, making Jaebeom want to do something about it.

Keeping his smile, he lifts one hand to try to put Jinyoung's hair in place, fighting the wind but not accomplishing much, yet he tries again. His fingers run through the smooth strands, still surprised how much they've grown since the last time he saw Jinyoung. He's also surprised at how soft his friend's hair is.

Jinyoung stares at him with bloodshot eyes, but they are also intent and heavy, making Jaebeom a bit nervous in a different way, alien and funny to him. It makes his stomach tight, as if he had knots inside, twisting in unsettling ways.

"Hyung..." Jinyoung mumbles, his hands sliding until he's fisting the front of Jaebeom's clothes, tight and pulling a bit, but not enough to move Jaebeom. "You'd really miss me if I'm gone?"

Jaebeom nods, not thinking of how he's feeling and focusing on reassuring Jinyoung. Maybe that's what the younger needs, some acceptance, someone who actually wants him to stay alive so he'll stop trying to die. Maybe it's as easy as to tell him he cares, he worries, he wants Jinyoung to stay alive.

"Yes, so please stay and don't do anything reckless," he requests, still trying to keep Jinyoung's hair in place.

"But what if living is too hard? What if I can't... take it?" Jinyoung asks in a small voice, his eyes trembling with uncertainty.

"If you decide you can't go anymore, if you really can't take it anymore... let me know. I can't promise I won't try to stop you, but at least give me the chance to say goodbye."

Jinyoung's eyes fill with tears again, his smile is so sad and broken, but there's another gleam in his gaze, something beautiful that makes Jaebeom thinks he's perhaps helping Jinyoung to pull the pieces of his life together. He watches him with so much fondness he didn't even know ran that deep in his heart. Trying to memorise Jinyoung close to him and the night landscape of the bridges over the Hangang lighting up in every colour, giving light to a night where the stars can't be seen, hoping he'll be able to see Jinyoung against a beautiful landscape over and over again.

"Can you promise me you'll let me know if you ever decide to leave?" Jaebeom asks once again, needing himself that reassurance.

"Okay," Jinyoung finally agrees, smiling more warmly, still broken but more alive than before. "You make me want to stay."

Jaebeom feels so happy to hear that. The promise and the fact he makes Jinyoung want to stay alive, and he doesn't have to go out of his way to accomplish that, he just needs to be there by Jinyoung's side and tell him he is important for Jaebeom.

That's not hard at all.

"Good. Then stay here and live your life," Jaebeom requests, wishing for Jinyoung to find more happiness, more reasons to stay alive, to take it all.

Jinyoung nods his head, although there's still some reluctance and hesitance in his eyes, and Jaebeom can see the way he's struggling. Still, it's a first step and he's delighted Jinyoung seems to have taken a more healthy path.

"Come on now," Jaebeom speaks, stepping back and feeling immediately colder. "Let's go somewhere warmer, I don't want to catch another cold for staying so late here on the bridge. Plus, I have a lot to tell you."

Jinyoung only smiles, shoving his hands in his pockets and breathing deeply, nodding his head. Jaebeom smiles even wider and leads the way, away from the heights of the bridge, away from the dark and the always flowing waters of the Hangang.

∞

Sorry I didn't update yesterday, the day went by too fast and suddenly it was Monday and I was working all day. I hope you enjoyed this chapter!

Bel, xx