trigger warning: mentions of attempted suicide.

       Jaebeom's mother continues rehabilitation diligently, and Jaebeom relaxes more and more every day regarding that. She's working hard and progressing fast. The tests revealed she will be twenty-six percent paralysed, but she'd be able to walk with a crane and do most things without assistance. Her speech will improve as well and she shouldn't have major problems communicating, still some days could be harder than others. What is wonderful is that aside from that, his mother will not show other sequels after the accident, and Jaebeom and his aunt couldn't be happier. Everyone, actually, even the doctor was surprised and glad about the diagnosis.

One week after she woke up, Jaebeom's mother is already speaking full sentences, slower than normal but at least she's communicating. She can lift and squeeze with both hands now, although she still struggles with her left hand quite a bit; her left leg is still very unresponsive.

All in all, she's doing wonderful and that's the best thing.

One week later, too, Jaebeom hasn't seen Jinyoung anywhere, which is now his main worry. The last time he saw him, the young man looked so unstable and on edge, so Jaebeom cannot help imagining the worst case scenario.

Jaebeom's nightmares have changed after his mother woke up, but they have not disappeared. Instead of a car accident, Jaebeom dreams with bridges over dark pits of water, and Jinyoung standing on the rail, the wind pulling his clothes and hair in every direction, the rain pouring and mixing with his own tears. He opens his arms, welcoming the storm and death.

Jaebeom screams his name.

Jinyoung turns to look at him.

Jaebeom sprints forward.

Jinyoung smiles.

Jaebeom fears.

Jinyoung jumps.

Jaebeom wakes up screaming, hands reaching out to nothing but thin air.

Sometimes his dreams change a bit, instead of a bridge Jinyoung is on top of a tall, unmeasurably tall building, There are clouds everywhere and it's impossible to see the bottom, the street. It seems like the free fall will be endless. And Jaebeom never makes it to Jinyoung side, his hand inches from grabbing his friend's clothes but always too late, he only sees him falling, swallowed by the clouds and abyss.

When Jaebeom wakes, his eyes are filled with frustrated tears, his skin pearled with cold sweat and his throat sore with hopeless screams. And with every passing day that he doesn't see Jinyoung, it gets worse. Because of those nightmares (and because his mother doesn't allow it anymore) he sleeps at home now, where even if he screams in the middle of the night, his father won't care or won't even hear him. However, that emptiness at home, without anyone to reassure him it was just a bad dream, it's suffocating.

Jaebeom regrets so much not getting Jinyoung's number, because when he wakes up from a nightmare he's even more desperate to just call him, hear his voice to know he's still alive. He needs just that reassurance. Even a text message would help, anything.

It's overwhelming how worried Jaebeom grows day by day, evidence of how much he actually cares about Jinyoung by now, how quickly the boy grew on him. It makes Jaebeom incredibly sad to think that maybe one day Jinyoung will succeed and kill himself, get in some accident or intentionally take his life... and Jaebeom will never find out. No one will let him know Jinyoung isn't with them anymore, he'll live the rest of his life not knowing what happened to that different and strange young man he met on a bridge.

His mother notices his mood, the worry he carries and how his thoughts often drift to somewhere else, far away from the present.

"What worries you, adeul?" She asks, slowly and careful to pronounce every word correctly. Some sounds are still confusing and inaccurate, but he can still understand what she wanted to say, and she uses very simple sentences.

"Oh, it's nothing," he tries to hide, hesitant to talk about Jinyoung and his situation, not sure how others will take how worried he is.

"Don't lie to your eomma," the woman smiles, her eyes amused for his attempt to lie to her.

Jaebeom laughs sheepishly, looking away and trying to put his thoughts in order.

"I'm worried about a friend. I haven't heard from him in over a week and last time I saw him he wasn't doing too well," he finally explains, his eyes fix on the view outside the window. The days are getting progressively colder, but the sky is always clear, the sun always big and bright.

"Go to his home?" she suggests and he knows she actually wants to ask why he doesn't go to visit him home.

"I don't know where he lives, and I never asked for his number. We always just met here, casually," he explains, once again feeling regret for always leaving it to serendipity.

"Meet him here again," his mother says, so slowly and this time Jaebeom has to think harder to figure out exactly what she wants to say with that simple sentence.

"To wait for him here? Like hoping to see him?" He questions, wanting confirmation.

His mother nods, that warm smile that promises things will be all right. "Hope is powerful."

Jaebeom nods, thinking about it. He still spends a lot of time at the hospital, especially now that he's persuaded his aunt to go back to her own home for a few days as his mother is doing so well. He hasn't gone to the rooftop for a while, so maybe he should and wait there. Maybe Jinyoung will show up at some point.

But what if he doesn't? Jaebeom is scared of assuming that it'll mean Jinyoung is gone.

"I'll try," he concedes, holding on to what she said about hope being powerful.

That's why that night before going home and after saying goodnight to his mother, he goes to the rooftop. When it's autumn and practically winter in Seoul by mid October, the sun has set already so when Jaebeom makes it to the rooftop, the lights from buildings, billboards and even the bridges not too far away replace the sun, outshining the starts and only allowing the moon to be seen in the night sky. It's beautiful in a completely different way, it's vibrant and busy, as if Jaebeom could feel the electricity in his own bones, the different colours stimulating all his senses.

It's a cold night, the wind strong and chilly, so he bundles up in hoodie, taking the scarf from his backpack and wrapping it around his neck.

Aside from the buzzing energy from the city, the rooftop is empty. Jaebeom looks everywhere trying to find Jinyoung but he's the only soul in that place. Still, he approaches the rail, taking a deep breath that chills his bones and makes him feel so alive at the same time.

With his hand on the rail, Jaebeom leans forward and looks down, at all the passersby, walking quickly to avoid the low temperatures and in a rush to get wherever they are going. The cars, taxis and buses in a constant movement like the waters of the Hangang. The view is similar yet a lot nosier, that's for sure.

Jaebeom stays there for a while, watching everything and everyone, feeling somehow alien to what he sees. He's there but he's not part of anything, he's so distant from the life on the ground and that somehow feels so liberating.

No wonder Jinyoung likes it so much up here, he muses, once again thinking of Jinyoung and wondering where he is right now, hoping he's somewhere, watching the night view, high in some building or bridge, away from the busy life of Seoul.

By the time Jaebeom's hands start to hurt, he decides he should go home. He tries to control his disappointment for not seeing Jinyoung, and hopes the nightmares won't be too bad. He tries not to feel guilty for not caring more before, he tries not to think how if he had shown more interest, if he had reached out for Jinyoung a bit more maybe things would be different now.

He fails.

The nightmares that night are as terrible as usual, or worse. Jaebeom dreams he jumps after Jinyoung, but even if he does, only his friend is falling and he just stays floating, as the clouds were holding him, keeping him from reaching Jinyoung.

Seriously, can't he ever save the other boy?

The next day, before going home, Jaebeom goes to the rooftop to wait for Jinyoung but he stays there alone again.

He walks to the river, but he does not find Jinyoung.

The next day is the same. And the next one. Jaebeom waits, searches, and hopes to see Jinyoung, but that doesn't happen. His anxiety is making his nightmares worse, now he starts to see Jinyoung when he impacts the ground and the horror that fills him when he does makes him so sick he ends up throwing up every time.

The more he thinks about it, the more scared he becomes that maybe that happened. Maybe Jinyoung died. Or he attempted suicide and survived and now he's alone in a hospital, hanging in there for life.

That is still better than death.

Jaebeom calls every hospital asking if someone named Park Jinyoung has been admitted in the past two weeks for suicide attempt or an accident. From one hospital they say they have a patient who had a heart attack, but the man is forty-seven.

Definitely not the Jinyoung he knows.

His Jinyoung isn't in a hospital, which makes him star considering the option that maybe he's in a columbarium already. When he thinks about that, his chest is tight and it's actually hard to breathe, feeling desperation because how is he supposed to find his friend? He can't even say goodbye.

Jaebeom regrets so much leaving him alone that night. He should've insisted, should've persuaded Jinyoung to come with him or go with him, make sure he went home safe and sound.

How could Jaebeom be so careless?

His mother is worried because every day Jaebeom looks anxious, and he can't even hide it despite how happy he's about his mother and how well she's doing. He feels even guiltier because of that, but he can't help thinking the worst happened to his friend.

Regret is a nasty emotion he does not know how to deal with.

By now, when more than two weeks have passed since Jaebeom saw Jinyoung last, going to the rooftop and then crossing the bridge to walk to the station at the other side of the river have become a habit for Jaebeom. He's feeling particularly edgy that night, so much that not even the view of the light up bridges down the Hangang distract him. He stares every person he sees, wishing one of them turned to be Jinyoung, but no one does.

Jaebeom's feeling hopeless by now.

The darkness of his feelings and fears is matching with the deep waters down the bridge, so he stops to take a look, breathing deeply the cold air and wishing that same cold will help him cool down his own mind and put things in perspective. But the vastness of the river only makes him wonder if Jinyoung is there, if he jumped and actually succeeded at killing himself, if the rescue boats were too late...

Jaebeom's mind can't be stopped when thinking of tragic outcomes for Park Jinyoung.

"Aish, Jinyoung-ah. Where are you?" He wonders out loud, grabbing the rail and leaning back, his head facing the starless sky, closing his eyes and breathing deeply, feeling his facial muscles freezing with the biting wind of late October.

"Walking behind you for a while already," someone says, startling Jaebeom so much he lets go of the rail and falls back, landing on his bum. Yet he barely registers that, his heart hammering as he turns to his right, almost losing his mind when he sees Jinyoung standing there. The boy is smiling cheekily, his hands shoved deep int he pockets of his caramel coat, his hair a lot longer from the almost buzz cut from two weeks ago, his features as handsome as he remembers them, looking actually intellectual with round gold framed glasses.

Jinyoung looks so handsome, like taken from a melodrama. But overall, Jinyoung looks so alive and Jaebeom is so relieved he could cry.

"Did you miss me?" Jinyoung asks, his smirk growing and Jaebeom swears he could punch him.

∞

I hope you enjoyed the chapter and have enjoyed so far how Jaebeom has been slowly falling for Jinyoung.

Bel,xx